Vito killed Hagen's father? That's a stretch.

Carmela was a classic wife of her times and ethnicity. My guess is she weilded more power than she let on. There were good scenes in GF and GFII where she would put her foot down and tell people not to interfere, or tell Connie to go see her children. I am sure when she was raising them all Vito backed her up 100%