I swore I'll never give Bay my money again after ARMAGGEDON and guess what? I'm faithful to that vow.

TRANSFORMERS really is like Bay trying his best to make a human story this side of BATMAN BEGINS or CASINO ROYALE.

Of course, BAD BOYS was Bay trying to make LETHAL WEAPON, ARMAGGEDON was Bay trying to make an action movie out of a 1970s disaster movie, THE ISLAND was Bay trying to make an action movie out of a 1970s Sci-fi movie (hell, he did! CLONUS!) and now....

Better yet, TRANSFORMERS is Bay trying to make himself a Spielberg theme park spectacle this side of JURASSIC PARK. Unbelievable CGI creatures dominating the landscape, with the humans playing set-up for these beasts.

As for the "Human Story," Bay could have told a tale about a kid growing up into a man. Not this p****-emo angst about trying to hit up with a hot girl or Bay's continuing disturbing fetish-love for cars....but you know, about a kid learning that there is a world outside of his doinky little town in the middle of no where.

If anything, TRANSFORMERS is like the clusterf*** $200 million version of THE LAST STARFIGHTER. Same basic set-up, except with that Nick Castle 1980s picture, you buy the kid wanting to escape...wanting to fly the stars...and happening to be damn good at the trailer park video game consule. When he does end up having to save the universe, you eat up its goofy but charming tale.

With TRANSFORMERS, you just want to slap Shia Lebouf around. The fact that he's playing the son of Harrison Ford in the next INDIANA JONES film, makes me wonder what in the world is Spielberg thinking.

Bay should have had the "human story" be about a younger kid who happens to discover these Transformers. Now thats a adolescent fantasy that seems more believable of a hook than a teenager wanting a car.

Anyway, Bay continues his money-wasting over-the-top spectacle-but-not-that-impressive, and if it wasn't for two reasons, I would have given this movie the same rating as I gave ARMAGGEDON and PEARL HARBOR....a Bomb score.

The two reasons?

(1) The CGI. I tell ya, while the cast didn't give a damn, Bay certainly didn't bother to bother, ILM hauled ass with the CGI. In a way, I feel bad for those guys. They work hard to create eye-popping CGI robots fight...and all for a crappy film. Its BLACK HOLE all over again. I give half-a-star as consolation to ILM.

(2) The editing. Indeed, the usual Bay fare would have, on paper, the most AMAZING sequences shot for film, but which would be completely undone by Bay's ADD-induced editing narrative which cuts and jumps all the place to the point that you lose interest and get bored.

But only 15% of the film reportedly was cut by Bay, and the rest of the film cut by Spielberg and his editors is......manageble.

Yet even the best editing of Bay-shot footage can't salvage maybe the one thing that annoyed me more than anything else about TRANSFORMERS. The humor.

I once said that there is nothing worse than a completely unfunny comedy. For a movie where robots are supposed to duke it out, I don't want a stupid PANTS joke.

People who've seen the earlier are correct. The humor is designed to cool off the "serious" drama....but there is nothing serious about TRANSFORMERS...and when certain shots are supposed to make us care or give a damn....we instead are angry at the little kids that won't shut up (thank God for bootleg!)

When Bay's best film is one that Spielberg had to salvage and recut himself...Bay is a hopeless cause. Make him bunk beds with Uwe Boll.

TRANSFORMERS (2007) - *1/2 - Fuck Michael Bay