So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
I met the person who invented Tippex the other day, I said "You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong".
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood"
I said, "Where is he?"
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate.
He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo"
He said "You're closest"
I visited the offices of the local Animal pound today. It's so tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?"
He said, "He's not your type."
I said "How about Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"