Granny Smith is my favourite green, favourite overall too; Braeburn is my favourite red. But both seem inadequate or disappointing when too ripe (and thus soft). I prefer them sour and bitter and crunchy and dark.

But let's not overlook some important issues here. Sure, apples are tasty, juicy, healthy, etc., but they also happen to be loyal companions, worthy pets, and fantastic company if you're feeling alone. A man alone in a room full of apples is never really alone. They're great sex toys, too, if you're into that sort of thing (though I would not recommend them to novices, for an apple stuck in an area rarely prodded can be very painful; always use lubricant, proper stuff too, not just citrus).

Great for sports, too: Sixteen apples can go a long way on a pool table, with seven greens, seven reds, one yellow and one crimson. A soft-tip cue is recommended, with plenty of chalk too (edible chalk, if you're keeping the apples for post-match consumption). You can practice you're soccer skills with a small apple; great for keep-ups. A basket of apples can be used for a game of baseball, for cricket, for bowls, for many things.

And that's local, rather domestic issues. I've not even moved onto global problems. Imagine if everyone used apples instead of shells for artillery? Wouldn't the world be a much happier, safer, juicier and healthier place? It'd smell a lot nicer, too.