I can see the headline now:

VAN HALEN REUNITES FOR NATIONWIDE TOUR:
PANDEMIC OF LIVER CIRRHOSIS REPORTED AMONG 14-YEAR-OLDS

Ntra la porta tua lu sangu � sparsu,
E nun me mporta si ce muoru accisu...
E s'iddu muoru e vaju mparadisu
Si nun ce truovo a ttia, mancu ce trasu.