Assosiated Press: Turi Giuliano Takes Step Toward '08 Bid

By: Col. Donald P. Icewater III


In an unprecedented move today, foreigner Turi Giuliano; ambassador to the United States from the country of Well-Intentioned British Persons, announced his intentions to run for the U.S. Presidency in 2008. Guiliano is a seasoned drinker and made his announcement while standing atop the roof of the legendary Apple Corps Building. After a startlingly good performance of “Get Back” and “That Drinking Song From Jaws”, Giuliano began his controversial rant. Transcription is as follows:

“We need to get back…get back…get back to where we once belonged. Get back, Jojo.”

It is believed Jojo was Giuliano’s pseudonym for current U.S. President George W. Bush, and his position to “getting back” was reference to prior celebrated U.S. Policies. The transcription continues as follows:

“I think American Beer sucks! I HATE IT! I’m not going to stand for it! I’M MAD AS HELL AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!”

After a rousing cry from the audience of three drinking buddies and an amused constable below, he fell onto the propositioned mat below. When interviewed in his jail cell about his obvious self-nomination, he replied: “Well, obviously I’m buggered about the bloody thing. I mean, this is going to cost me big in the end. I’m never drinking cheap American Beer again.” When asked what ticket he would run under, he replied: “Run under? What the bloody hell are you jabbering about, mate? I’m talking about my court costs. Presidency? Ah, well, ok then.”

U.S. Political analysts stress that this is indeed a very unwise decision due to the fact that not only is there a thirty-five year age minimum for the position of U.S. Presidency, but that he is not a natural citizen of our country. U.S. Residents of local Washington D.C. Community Colleges made similar statements about the issue: “Yo, that mother-fucker is the man! Shit yeah! The Beatles were important and shit, you know? Shit, yeah he’s got my vote!”

Guiliano is already ahead in U.S. polls with an estimated 78% of the popular vote. Though he would be immediately arrested upon entering the White House, he had only this comment concerning the issue: “I need a lager, mate. Where the hell am I?”

America is looking for a change, and apparently it lies within this well-meaning, strapping young lad from Liverpool.

And you liar, teller of tall tales: you trample all the Lord's commandments underfoot, you murder, steal, commit adultery, and afterward break into tears, beat your breast, take down your guitar and turn sin into a song. Shrewd devil, you know very well that God pardons singers no matter what they do, because he can simply die for a song.