Although I tremble to disagree with the great Don, I must side with Plaw here. While much of what you said is quite true, such as the typos and/or spelling errors (for example, is it Michelson or Michaelson?), but I have to stop you at the run-on sentences. I think that writing style is quite personal, and that creative writing is just that - creative. It doesn't always follow the very strict rules of grammar. For example, can you imagine an editor making a call, "EE, what is with the lowercase? It's just WRONG, and unless you start applying the rules of capitalization, you can shop these poems somewhere else!"

Now, Plaw, don't get your head in the clouds, I'm not comparing you to ee cummings, but I think that the hardest part of writing is finding your own voice. While PL's structure and style so far is evocative of Puzo's style, t's not imitation. And that's a hard line to straddle. I think that perhaps your sentence structure is your style and shoule be respected.