Very nice, Plaw! I finally read the first two chapters.

I sure hope you like criticism, as I'm not one to hold it in if I feel it would be helpful to the other person to improve himself.

[And upon reading what I had written below, it seems I'm only pointing out the bad things. I actually like it more than it may seem by my comments! You are doing much better than most other fan fiction I've read.]


Okay, here goes...

As of yet, IMHO, it's not a sequel at all so far, but just extensions of the story as we know it. Such things, in sequels, are usually included as flashbacks. I can see what you're trying to do -- as Puzo did -- and I like the back and forth a lot. But so far, I'm reading these mini-chapters more as ideas than as a finished work.

I think you have some great ideas here, and successfully (most of the time) fill in many of the gaps we've wondered about all this time! I think your dialogue is actually pretty good, and I like your style, when it's clean.

I really think you would benefit from a plot outline. You should have some idea of where the story is going to head, and basically how it's going to end. After the outline is when you fill in the details. Think of the story arc, the protagonist, antagonist, climax, etc. All the shit I don't know about because I never took creative writing. But I'm sure that info is out there.

Your ideas are awesome, and there are many spots of brilliance mixed in there. But at this point, I'd like to see more character development. I know that we already know most of these people, but take note of how Puzo describes his characters -- enough so we can picture them in our minds. You need to do more of that.

I like to hear your casino expertise shine through in here, and I know you know it! But that blackjack explanation is too drawn out. I would think that a math prodigy would already know the basics of blackjack since he was 4 years old. And I think we readers know them, too. All of that explanation led up to card counting? I think we all know how that works. Also - did they only use one deck of cards back then as you imply?

Although I still haven't finished Winegardner's book, I'm one of the few here who doesn't think it's a total piece of crap. Winegardner is a professional writer with many years of experience honing his craft. While I admire your effort greatly, I will be honest and say that you have some more practice to do until you reach that point. Not just you -- any and all of us here!

And FS, of all people, is right: You have way too many run-on sentences -- full paragraphs containing just one sentence -- that at times makes it difficult to follow.

I know this is just a rough draft, and a first attempt at writing prose, but at some point you'll have to go back and check your: spelling (e.g., "Out side", "lurative"); typos (e.g., "make a clean breast of things"

But again, I think you're doing a great job overall. I, for one, am just not someone who calls a novice an expert before he's evolved into one. I'm certain you can, and will. And my comments are meant to help. So stop crying.

Now do my stats, bastid!