Firstly: anyone who attempts to chronicle the events between GFII and GFIII makes a brave and worthy attempt, and in this case it has been done in a bold, informed, intelligent and detailed manner.
Secondly: I'm relatively new here and plawrence is an established member of these boards... also I'm not very popular, and I'm fully aware that my opinions may well be dismissed summarily.
Nevertheless, plawrence has submitted his work for criticism and I will venture it, understanding that I may be hated, flamed or ignored. I hope my observations are taken in the productive way in which they are intended.
1. Too many lines from the films.
I don’t know who this man is, and I don’t know what he does for a living. Now tell him you don’t want to see him anymore. I’m sure he’ll understand
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a plot against the emperor failed
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That was no heart attack
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This was GFIII's failing... gratutious and obvious insertions of film quotes. Be your own man.
2. Unrealistic dialogue.
“Fredo didn’t drown” Michael said in his flat and emotionless way. “He and Neri went out in the boat, and Neri shot him and dumped his body in the lake.”
“But why, Mike?” Hagen’s voice cracked, and he felt tears welling up in his eyes.
This is the worst example. Why does Mike tell Tom? And "tears welling up"!? Ah, come on!
3. Inaccuracies
Frequent references to Pantangelli as an underboss, when he was a caporegime. Or, if this is intended to reflect an error in the famous FBI chart, some indication that that chart was wrong and that Frankie was an underboss. [Debatable]
Connie actually thinking that Fredo drowned. Something about the way she said "poor Fredo drowned" in GFIII didn't ring true... she sounded more like a witch from MacBeth than a concerned sibling... she
knew that Mike had killed him and was glossing it over for the sake of old Mike and his health. Plus at this stage, Connie was pretty ruthless herself.
Having said all that: the introduction to Altobello and Saza is great. But I just don't find your style as captivating as Puzo's - it's not engaging or stylish, although the underlying ideas are fantastic.
My (limited) attempts at criticism have aimed to be constructive, and I certainly don't represent that I could do anywhere near as well. I think a lot could be built on this... and needless to say, it far surpasses GF Returns. Hope my remarks will be taken in this vein.
