Ha ha ha ha!! Very good.



TIS

Roses are red, violets are gorgeous.

Never creep up on Oscar Pistorious.

You're a sick puppy Yogi...a sick puppy indeed..

Thanks Lilo. Kind words indeed

Husband takes the wife to a disco.



There's a guy on the dance floor living it large - break dancing, moon

walking, back flips, the works.



The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy?

25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."



Husband says:

"Looks like he's still celebrating!!!

Good one

Ha ha ha ha. Very funny!!



TIS

I'm using that one tonight, fathersson.

The best part about this joke it is sharp, but clean.

You wife may slap you, but everyone else will laugh out loud.

And even a blonde can understand it!

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver-haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the
table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."



GOD HELP US ALL!!!

Ha ha ha ha ha!! How hilarious (yet kind of sad).




TIS

I know right?

Since thursday I've told this joke three times. It works like a time bomb: It always takes the listeners three seconds until they get it.

A man was dining in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .....




She said .... ......:

.

.

.

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

I just don't get it?

signed: Stevie Wonder

Man says to his wife "Go into the bathroom and have a look at the crap i have just had, its massive."

"Urgh, no thanks" she says, wrinkling her nose in disgust.

"Go on," he says "just a quick look,it must be about 2 pounds at least"

"Okay then you disgusting man" she says, and runs in and then runs back out. "Its not there," she says "it must have flushed"

"Oh no" he says, "did you not look on the bathroom scales?"

Women watches an Italian funeral pass. There are two funeral hearst. Then an old italian women with her dog, and behind them 200 hundred other women.

The women never saw a funeral percession like this before. So she starts to talk with the women walking the dog.

She asks who is in the first Hearst? The women walking her dog answers that is my husband. The other women asks how did your husband die. She said he was beating me so my dog attacked him and killed him. Then she asks who is in the second hearst? She answers that is my husband mother she tried to stop the dog. So the dog killed her as well.

Then the women asked her if she can borrow her dog? She said yes but you have to get in line with the other women walking behind me.

[for pizzaboy]

Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis and one day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!" Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I hear ya can drink dat jet fuel and get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed. Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?"

Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?" Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?" Ole says, "No dat jet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta do dis more often."

Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting." Ole asked, "Vat's dat?" Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?" Ole stopped to think. "No”


"Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Iowa.

The Russian Accent is funnier then the joke

Edit Reason
: The joke isn't funny

What's even funnier is that the accent is Swedish.

Well you got me on that one

Two nuns driving along in their car on a nice hot day. They come to traffic lights and are sitting with the windows down when a car load of rowdy youths pull up alongside.

"Wahay penguins, get your boobs out," shouts one.

"Give us a kiss penguin," shouts another.

Mother Superior is horrified and says to her passenger "Sister Bernadette, i think these yobs don't know who we are? Show them your cross"

"Yes Mother Superior," says Sister Bernadette who leans out the window and shouts. "Fuck off you little bastards or i will smash your ugly faces in!"

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he reentered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American Space Programs. Over the years many people questioned Mr. Armstrong as to what the "Good Luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Mr. Armstrong always just smiled and would not answer. Just last year, (On July 5, 1996) in Tampa, Florida while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 29 year old question to Mr. Armstrong again. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question... When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in his backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, the then young Neil Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky saying "Oral Sex! You want oral sex? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

Humpty Dumpty

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her.

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love," replied St. Peter.

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you", the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word", the woman told him.

"Which word?", her husband asked.

"Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis."

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school;usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, seated behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!", shouted April! The teacher said, "very good"; April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "who is our Lord and Savior?" But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!,"shouted April and the teacher said, "very good". Again, April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question: "what did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F**KING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!!!"

The Teacher fainted.

April must be a Heroin Addict

Great one Mig.