Oh how i used to love play time at school. Mis-behaving,swearing,fighting,smoking cigarettes and feeling up all the girls behind the bike sheds!

Damn i miss that janitors job!

I know something like this has been posted before, but it's fun to rehash.

Boy, I can relate to nearly all of these.



Things In The Life Of An Italian Child

01. You have at least one relative who wore a black dress every day for an entire year after a funeral.

02. You spent your entire childhood thinking what you ate for lunch
was pronounced 'sangwich.'

03. Your family dog understood Italian.

04. Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents and extended family.

05. You've experienced the phenomena of 150 people fitting into 50 square feet of yard during a family cookout

06. You were surprised to discover the FDA recommends you eat three meals a day, not seven.

07. You thought killing the pig each year and having salami, capacollo, pancetta and prosciutto hanging out to dry from your shed ceiling was absolutely normal.

08. You ate pasta for dinner at least three times a week, and every Sunday, and laughed at the commercial for Wednesday is Prince
Spaghetti day..


12. You thought nylons were supposed to be worn rolled to the ankles.


13. Your mom's main hobby is cleaning.

14. You were surprised to find out that wine was actually sold in stores.

15. You thought that everyone made their own tomat sauce.

16. You never ate meat on Christmas Eve or any Friday for that matter.


17. You ate your salad after the main course.

18. You thought Catholic was the only religion in the world.

19. You were beaten at least once with a wooden spoon or broom.

20. You thought every meal had to be eaten with a hunk of bread in your hand

21. You can understand Italian but you can't speak it.

22. You have at least one relative who came over on the boat..

23. All of your uncles fought in a World War.

24. You have at least six male relatives named Tony, Frank, Joe or Louie.

25. You have relatives who aren't really your relatives.

26. You have relatives you don't speak to.

27. You drank wine before you were a teenager.

28. You relate on some level, admit it, to the Godfather and the Sopranos. .

29. You grew up in a house with a yard that didn't have one patch of dirt that didn't have a flower or a vegetable growing out of it. Figs, remember?

30. Your grandparent's furniture was as comfortable as sitting on plastic. Wait. You were sitting on plastic.

31. You thought that talking loud was normal.

32. You thought sugared almonds and the Tarantella were common at all weddings.

33. You thought everyone got pinched on the cheeks and money stuffed in their pockets by relatives.

34. Your mother is overly protective of the males in the family no matter what their age.

35. There was a crucifix in every room of the house.

36. Wakes would be held in someone's living room.

37. You couldn't date a boy without getting from your father. (Oh, and he had to be Italian)

38. You called pasta 'macaroni'.

39. You dreaded taking out your lunch at school

40. Going out for a cup of coffee usually out for a cup of coffee over Zia's house.

41 Every condition, ailment, misfortune, and accident was attributed to the fact that you
didn't eat something.




TIS

Still happens in KY where the Col has some Family. If they have the wake/funeral at a church, a member of the family sits up with the dead all night. Me and the Col done that a few times.

Great list, TIS. I relate to about 99% of those!

BLONDE'S PASSWORD...


During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento.

When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to beat least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

If State Flags Were Honest(NSFW)

A pharmacist returns to his shop after his lunch break to see a man,pale faced,sweating and shaking,griiping the edge of the counter.

"Good Lord" he exclaims"whats the matter with this chap?" he asks his new assistant.

"He came in with a nasty cough wanting some syrup,but i couldn't find it so i gave him a bottle of laxatives instead" the disinterested youth replies.

"You gave him a whole bottle of laxatives, for a cough??????" the pharmacist is stunned. "You can't do that?"

W"Why not?" says the youth,pointing to the hapless man. "He isn't going to coough again in a hurry is he?"

Just got back from the hospital. They think i may have pneumonoultramicroscopicsiliconvolcanooconiosis.

But at the moment they are not sure. Apparently it is hard to say!

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . . . . . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

Two Garbage Bags

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind
her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls
out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling out of your
bag."

"Oh, really? Darn," says the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and
see if I can find them.
Thanks for telling me..."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did
you?"

"Oh, no,' says the little old lady. You see, my back yard is right next
to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come
and pee through the fence into my flower
garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time
some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I grab it and I say, '$20
or off it comes!'"

"OK, that seems only fair," laughs the cop. "So, good luck. Oh, by the
way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this' and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said , Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, 'What's wrong, honey?' She replied, 'What happened to my booger?'

Daffy Duck takes his girlfriend away to a hotel for a saucy week-end away.

He realises though that he has no condoms so he rings down to the desk to see if they can help him out.

"Certainly sir" says the receptionist. "Shall i put them on your bill?"

"Don't thbe fwuucthing thstoopwid" says Daffy. "I thwould swuthocate..."

Ha ha ha!! That's cute.



TIS

Generation Y

What's green, slimey, and smells like Miss Piggy?

Kermit's finger.

25 WAYS TO TELL YOU'RE GROWN UP

1.) Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2.) Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question

3.) You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4.) 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5.) You hear your favorite song in the elevator

6.) you watch the weather channel

7.)your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up".

8.) You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14

9.) Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as " dressed up"

10.) You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door
won't turn down the stereo

11.) Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12.) You don't know what time taco bell closes anymore

13.) your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14.) You feed your dog science diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15.) sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16.) You take Naps

17.) Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of
one.

18.) Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset,
rather than settle your stomach

19.) you go to the drug store for Ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and
pregnancy tests.

20.) a $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer " pretty good shit"

21.) you actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22.) "I just can't drink the way I used to replaces "I'm never going to
drink that much again."

23.) 90% of the time you spend in front of the computer is for real
work.

24.) You drink at home to save money before going to the bar.

25.) When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them
instead of asking "oh shit, what the hell happened"?

Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them


You hear your favorite song in the elevator





TIS

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure
it out.'

So I wrote down:
ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little bastard

Ha ha ha!!! Those smart ass kids hu? That's funny. I'll have to remember that.



TIS

What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the windshield?

His ass.

Prostitute says to a man passing in the street. "Hey, do you want to sleep with me for £25?"

The man stops. "Well i'm not really tired", he says "but i could always use the money"

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

Ouch .

A man goes to the doctor and complains of having hearing problems.

"Describe to me the symptoms?" says the doc.

"Homers a fat idiot and Marge has blue hair" says the man!

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.." 

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." 

With his sermon complete, he sat down.The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365....Shall We Gather At The River".

A man is out when his friend stops by his house. His wife tells the friend her hubby isn't home. The friend says to the wife, "You're a beautiful woman, and I will give you $200 if you show me your boobs, and I won't tell your husband." So she does it and gets $200. Satisfied, he leaves. A few hours later, the husband comes home. The wife tells him his friend stopped by, and the husband asks, "Did he drop off the $200 he owes me?"

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

Ouch!

I guess this one must be the best joke ever. Even if you don't understand a word - after 2 minutes you'll get a grin on your face that won't leave for hours.