Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day....


My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.


Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
What the Hell was I thinking?'

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....
That you're not here to ruin it for me.


Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Arkansas , Kentucky & West Virginia )


Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

[i]When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.[/i]


I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay



TIS

Good ones

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator ..."

Good one LN!!!! LMAO



TIS

Chick introduces herself to a dude at a party:

"Hi my name's Carmen" as she offers a hand shake.

He replies "Carmen... what a beautiful name!" Taking her hand and and gazing into her intriguing green eyes.

"Thanks I decided to name myself after two things I really love, cars and men. What's your name?"

"Beerpussy"

Doctor: "I have some bad news and some very bad news."

Patient: "Well, might as well give me the bad news first."

Doctor: "The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live."

Patient: "24 Hours! Thats terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?"

Doctor: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

Very good jokes, everyone. I'm going to borrow them tomight.

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with beautiful tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere"

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

On January 21, 2009 a guy comes to the White House gate and says to the guard, "Excuse me, but may I go inside to see President Bush?" The guard politely says, "Sir, President Bush is no longer here, President Barack Obama is now in office."
The next day the same guy coms back to the same guard and again he asks if he can go in and see President Bush. Again the guard says, "Sir, as I tld you yesterday President Bush is no longer here, President Barack Obama is now in office.

The third day the same guy comes back once more and asks the guard the same question. The guard is now exasperated and says, "You've come here three times asking for President Bush and three times I have told you that President Bush is out of office and tht Barack Obama is now in office. What's the matter with you?

The guy replies, "Nothing's the matter with me. I just like hearing you say that."

GreatJoke DT. I had no idea where it was going, but it is funny. It is great to hear isn't it??? I'll definitely pass it on.




TIS

A mafia boss has been ripped off by his book-keeper to the tune of 10 million dollars. He especially chose this chap because he was deaf and therefore could'nt hear any of his "business",so could'nt testify against him in court.

However he had done the dirty with the money so the boss went to see him,taking along his attorney ,who knew how to sign.

Once they had the deaf guy in a chair the boss tells his lawyer to sign for him
"wheres my fuckin money?"

"i don't know", pleads the deaf man.

"Yes you do. Last chance now. where's my fuckin money?"

"I swear i don't know", signs the man with shaking hands.

The boss takes out his gun and puts it to the guys head.

"Tell him if he does'nt tell me where my money is in the next 10 seconds i'm gonna blow his brains out?" he tells his lawyer.

The lawyer signs this to the man and he signs back in a frenzy.

"Oh my God! I'm so sorry. The money is buried in my cousin Enzo's garden,behind the pond. Tell him i'm sorry. Please don't let him kill me".

"What did he say?"growls the boss.

"He said you haven't got the guts to shoot anybody you fat bastard" says the lawyer

A man in the bedroom shouts through to his wife

"Come in here and see my clock".

She enters the room and he is lying naked on the bed with a massive erection.

"That is not a clock", she says.

"It will be when you put 2 hands and your face on it" he replies.

A young boy lost an eye in an accident, and at the time the best they could do was to place a wooden eye in the socket. He wasn't happy about it, and was then made fun of throughout school. Nobody could resist making a joke, and because of that he had no friends.

Later in the year the school he was attending decided to hold a dance. The boy didn't want to go, but his parents forced him to, in an effort to make him be sociable. When he arrived at the dance, he noticed a little girl who had a wooden peg in place of her leg.

After the dance started, the boy was sitting by himself when he noticed the little girl looking over at him and smiling. "Hey, she's actually looking at me!" So he went over and started talking to her, and they were actually getting along. The boy finally decided to muster up the courage to ask her "Do you want to dance?"

The little girl's eyes got wide and she was grinning. "Would I!"

Then the boy angrily shouted "PEG LEG!"

Ha ha ha!!! Very cute!



TIS

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow a and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'


--Merry Christmas everyone.

Here's one (courtesy of TIS):

Mrs. O'Malley went into the pharmacy, walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

Mrs. O'Malley replied calmly, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes almost popped as he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy, Mrs. O'Malley! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

Mrs. O'Malley reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.”

A lady goes into Tiffany's to look at the jewels on display.
Whilst bending over a cabinet to look at a diamond studded necklace she is mortified to let out a mighty fart.
"Please don't let there anyone behind me" she thinks as she sheepishly looks around......only to see a salesman standing right behind her!!!!

The salesman is obviously a gentleman and a professional because he is saying nothing about her mishap and keeps a poker straight face!

Encouraged,the lady enquires as to the price of the necklace to which the chap replies
"Madam,if the sight of the necklace was enough to make you pass wind,i assure you the price will cause you to shit yourself!"

Why I Fired My Secretary

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and
possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
'Happy Birthday.'

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

Ha ha ha ha!! Now how embarrassing would that be? That's great! Thanks for sharing, and welcome Frankie!



TIS

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".