What falls but doesn’t break, and what breaks but doesn’t fall?

Night and Day.

An Indian enters a wine shop and says to the shopkeeper, "Hey mate, could you reccommend me a good port?"

What does the shopkeeper say?

The shopkeeper says "Dover".

LMFAO!

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.


New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com
<http://classmates.com/> ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for
25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already
know what the captain of the football team is doing these days ---
mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description
for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'


New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.


New Rule:There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle
of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored
water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored
water.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee,
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One
NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.


New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the
kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Mars
Bar.


New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.


New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember
the reason something was a television show in the first place is that
the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.


New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just
had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be
there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your
webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27
months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't
really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that
pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or
tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future
around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?

I know we've had these "You Know Your From....." threads, so here's one relating to my neck of the woods.


Subject: U KNOW YOU'RE FROM SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA WHEN:

>Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income (and you think
it's normal)

>You drive next to a Rolls Royce and don't notice it.

>You don't know anyone's phone number unless you check your cell phone.

>You speak Spanish, but you're not Mexican.

>You begin to "lie" to your friends about how close you are when you
know darn well that it'll take you at least an hour to get there (see
below).

>Getting anywhere from point A to point B, no matter what the distance,
takes about "twenty minutes".

>You drive to your neighborhood block party.

>In the "winter", you can go to the beach and ski at Big Bear on the
same day or mow your lawn in your shorts on New Years Day, and maybe
sunburn.

>You eat a different ethnic food for every meal.

>If your destination is more than 5 minutes away on foot, you're
definitely driving.

>Calling your neighbors requires knowing their area code.

>You know what "In-'N-Out" is and feel bad for all the other states
because they don't have any.

>Stop signs stand for, Slow To Observe Police.

>You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.

>You eat pineapple on pizza.

>Your cell phone has left a permanent impression on the side of your
head.

>You think that Venice is a beach.

>The waitress asks if you'd like "carbs" in your meal.

>You know who the Tinsel Underwear dude at Venice Beach is.

>You classify new people you meet by their Area Code. An "818" would
never date a "562" and anyone from "323" or "213" is ghetto/second
class. Best area code: "949/714." Nobody likes anyone from the
"909/951" because it stinks there.

>You call 911 and they put you on hold.

>You have a gym membership because it's mandatory.

>The gym is packed at 3 pm...on a workday.

>You think you are better than the people who live "Over the Hill". It
doesn't matter which side of the hill you are currently residing, you
are just better than them, for whatever reason.

>You know that if you drive two miles in any direction you will find a McDonald's, Subway or a Starbucks. (Do we have to go two miles for a
Starbucks?)

>You know what "Sigalert", "PCH", and the "Five" mean.

>You know the meaning behind the name of the 405 freeway.... because it
takes 4 hours to get one way, and 5 hours to get back.

>It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news
station:"STORM WATCH".

>The Terminator is your Governor.

>You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from
California!


TIS

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the
words back or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did.

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband
didn't say a word. He knew better.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I
was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached by one of the good looking
gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without
thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No,
I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically,
the boy grinned, and I turned beet red and walked away. To this day, my
sister has never let me forget.

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My
three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I
was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While
enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that
Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to
go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an
accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Dan!
are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just
KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting
worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an
accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the est laugh they'd ever had!

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a
very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get
any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was
supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and
asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!

While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out
peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights
lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180
degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone
buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up,
grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off." No one saw her
for the rest of the flight to Houston.

Beth, those are some of the funniest things I've read in a long time. Thanks for the laughs.

Beth, those were great. Here's something I did that should surely be added to those.

I was friends with a colleague from another office who was single. He had not answered several messages that I had left him. The receptionist at his office said that she believed he was down near my office getting his car serviced. When I finally got him on the phone, I asked him why he had come down to our county to get his car fixed, when I knew he lived about an hour away, and he told me that he had been "in the area" the night before.

Kidding around, I asked him if he had gotten lucky. He said, "Well, you know Jane, who works for the County Executive?" I never had much respect for Jane, and referred to her as "dumber than dirt", so of course I said, "Oh God, please don't tell me you're doing dumber than dirt Jane!". To which he replied, "She's not really stupid." I said, "Oh, c'mon! Her bra size is bigger than her IQ!!"

To which he replied, "We eloped over the weekend."

When my boss told her husband the story that night over dinner, she told me that he was choking so badly that she almost had to give him the Heimlich.

"lol" This is sooooooooooooooo bad. But I'm sure he's happy with her big bra size anyway.

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening
with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler
said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by
check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it
now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in
that account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"


All Seniors Aren't Senile!!!

This was ace!!

Ha ha ha!!!Great one SB!!



TIS

Glad I could give you a chuckle, TIS.

Hey, I'm a joke!

How to know you're a region rat

Fifty ways to know if you are a Region Rat (Northwest Indiana)

This list is characteristic of the Northwest region of Indiana, Chicago, and Chicago suburbs. Northwest Indiana is actually quite different than the rest of the state. To understand this list, a reference key will be at the bottom and the number on this list will correspond to that number on the key.

50 If anyone asks where you are from that is not from da region you tell them Chicago.
49 You are pale as a ghost from the lack of sun.
48 Oil tanks are more common than trees in your neighborhood.
47 You don't know anything about farming...at least not legal farming.
46 When you need to run out to the store you go to Jewel.
45 You call the interstate the "Tollroad"
44 You know what good pizza tastes like, and its not Papa John's.
43 Running red lights is normal!
42 Midway's not an island, its an airport.
41 You know the night sky is not black, its orange!
40 You know roads are just a place for trains to park across.
39 Only a true region rat can tell which town they are in at any given time.
38 You love Kohl's (store).
37 You measure distance in minutes instead of miles.
36 You understand what "Lake-Effect" is.
35 You don't pronounce the 's' in Illinois and you get aggravated when people do.
34 "What's a sheriff?"
33 School isn't cancelled unless there is at least 20 feet of snow on the ground.
32 You know more about what's going on in Illinois than Indiana.
31 You don't drink soda, you drink pop.
30 You don't consider pigs as being a domestic pet.
29 Your favorite holiday movie is "A Christmas Story."
28 You can see downtown Chicago from your neighborhood, yet it takes an hour to get there!
27 You think bridges were invented to cross railroad tracks, not rivers.
26 You like White Castle.
25 Your bumper is rusted from road salt.
24 You know that country music sucks.
23 Sometimes you forget that Indiana HAS a football team (Colts?)
22 You don't "Cruise the strip."
21 You are skilled at lane changing and know that "All five lanes on I-80 were MEANT to be used!"
20 You can appreciate the humor of Mancow.
19 You know that beaches exist in places other than Florida and California.
18 You always keep at least $5 in change in your car for tolls.
17 You think all amusement parks are called "Great America"
16 You know that not all passenger trains are powered by steam.
15 You're neighborhood IS a proposed third airport.
14 You know better than to light a match within 5 miles of the Little Calumet River .
13 What the hell is Hardee's?
12 You're not really a "Hoosier"
11 Even though you go to school three hours away, you still cant help but watch WGN news on cable each night.
10 You have motion-sensor lights on your garage and house, but don't lock the doors on either of them!
9 You leave your car running in the parking lot at the store.
8 You end sentences with unnecessary prepositions ("Where is my coat at?" or "I want to go with!")
7 You forget we even have a county fair.
6 Who needs a county fair anyway when there is August Fest?
5 There is only one LAKE, everything else is a pond.
4 Everyone else at the gas station is from Illinois.
3 The "northern lights" are the flames from Amoco's refinery.
2 You think anything south of US-30 is "Southern Indiana"
1 588-2300-EMPIIIIIIIRE or 773-202-Lunaaaaaaaaa

Reference Key (aka: what does this malarkey mean?)


36: That means, ultimately, wind, snow, and contrition.
33: School is never canceled!
32: Sometimes I get confused and think my mayor is really "Dickie" Daley.
29: "A Christmas Story" is, aside from the best Christmas movie ever, a regional gem. The movie is set in post WWII Northwest Indiana and was filmed in Hammond, Indiana.
28: You can see Chicago's Loop from Michigan City, Indiana!
25: "da Region" is infamous for abundant salt usage during the severe weather.
22: Strip cruising is, as far as I know, only being done in LaPorte and that's it.
20: Mancow is a Chicago disk jockey... he's not for the faint at heart either.
13: More like, "Where the Hell is Hardee's?"
6:Clarification: August Fest refers to Oktoberfest which is held somewhere from late August to Labor day.
5: I believe Lake Michigan Speaks for itself.
2: This is not only thought but believed
1: 588-2300-empire is the phone number for the famed Chicago Empire carpet store. Depending on where you live, remember to dial area code 312 first.

YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN FLORIDA WHEN....

You spend more time on your roof than in your living room.
Your kids start schol in August and end in July.
You know the plot to "Groundhog Day" even though you have never seen the movie.
Having a tree in the living room doesn't necessarily mean its Christmas.
You know which weathercasters are pregnant.
Plywood is considered a window treatment.
You actually like talking to your insurance agent.
Suspended tolls are a highlight of your life.
You find the sound of a home generator erotic.
You don't worry about relatives coming to visit in the summer.
You are nostalgic for the days when the only news about Florida was flawed elections and drug kingpins.
You know how long two bags of ice will last in your cooler.
Sundown means time for bed.

You spend more time on your roof than in your living room.. That's some funny sutff right there.

This is for Joisey.


Windows XP New Jersey Edition
(This note is for those outside the Garden State)

Dear Consumas:

It has come ta our attention dat a cupola copies of the WINDOWS XP NEW JOISEY EDITION may have been shipped outsida Joisey. If ya got one a dese, you may need some help unnerstanin da commands.

Da Joisey edition may be recognized by da unique openin' screen. It reads; "Windas XP" wit a background pitcha of Hoboken. When yous start da program, instead of da usual harpy stringy like music, you hear a little Springsteen. It's also shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava.

PLEASE ALSO NOTE:

Recycle bin is labeled "Newark"
My computer is called "My Computa"
The Inbox is referred to as "Da Trunk"
Deleted items are referred to as "Wacked", "Erased", or "Rubbed Out"
Control Panel is known as "The Bosses"
Performing an "illegal operation" is known as "enhancin da family business"
and will actually maximize da program instead of shuttin' it down.
Hard Drive is referred to as "Da turnpike on da way to da shore"
Instead of an error message a "You ain't gonna believe dis" pops up
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA JOISEY EDITION:

OK...........Sure ting
Cancel......Fugetaboutit
Reset........Start ova
Yes............Yeah
No..............Nah
Find............Put a contract out on
Browse........Get a looksee
Back...........U-Toin
Help...........Get your own ansa
Stop............Knock it off
Start............Move it
Settings.......Here's da rules
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you mistakenly got a copy of the JOISEY EDITION.

You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WIT DAT?

(By da way, spellcheck is a nightmare wit da JOISEY edition dey still haven't worked out all da bugs)

This is for Sicilian Babe and Pizzaboy.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM THE BRONX IF:

You know someone who went to Evander, Dodge, Ursula, Fordham, Rice, Clinton, Walton, All Hallows, Taft, Aquinas, Barnabas, Mt St Michael, St. Simon Stock, Preston, Helena's, Cardinal Hayes, Kennedy, Truman, Roosevelt, Raymond's, Lehman, Spellman, Tolentine and many more.

You and any other friends who lived on West 228th Street and towards the Yonkers city line, probably went to Sacred Heart High School in Yonkers.

You know that Lehman College is really Hunter College in the Bronx.

You actually think the subway is fun and a very reliable form of transportation.

You went to the fresh meat market on Arthur Avenue with your Dad/Grandmother to buy the fresh chickens and rabbits. (If you were really Italian!)

You've taken the Bx 1, 2, 4, 6, 8, 9, 10, 12, 13, 14, 16, 20, 31, 34 or 41 bus, at least once in your life.

You agree that the Grand Concourse has too many lights and no parking!

When people ask you where you're from you tell them the closest train stop.

You don't go to Manhattan. You go "downtown." You say downtown and Expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.

You assume that everyone knows where Tracy Towers is.

You never realize you have an accent until one of your new neighbors tells you it's cute.

You're the toughest person you know; your best friend is a close second.

There was at least one pizza place about 1 block from your house.

You curse....A lot! With no guilt whatsoever!

You were sure Son of Sam was looking for you, so you wore your long dark hair with a scarf.

You went to Orchard Beach and walked all the way to section 13 which was the best section.

You went to Rye Playland at least once a year.

Your friends came over to hang out on the porch/stoop or in front your house/apt building.

You've been to the Bronx Zoo & Botanical Gardens on class trips.

You shopped at Alexander's on Fordham Road.

You call it the Stadium, not Yankee Stadium.

You used to go to Fordham Road to buy jewelry and household appliances.

You bought a slice of pizza AND a soda for $1.00.

You still don't understand why people are crazy enough to drive to the Stadium for a Yankee game, when you can take the 4 or the D train.

You know that Riverdale is really the Bronx.

Every year when you were little around Christmas time you would go to see the houses on Pelham Parkway......only if your parents had a car.

You know how to get on a bus using the rear door.

You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.

You know that the Bronx is the best borough of all, except for maybe Manhattan....maybe!

You went to #6 parking lot at Jones Beach.

In high school, you cruised the strip on Central Ave in Yonkers.

You had to take city buses and/or the subway to get to high school, unless you went to Spellman & you got your own special bus.

Your mother would yell your name out the window when it was time to come home.

You played stick ball and stoop ball.

You rode horses in Pelham Bay Park or Van Cortlandt Park.

When you say "New York" you mean the "City". The rest of the state really doesn't exist.

You know what a bodega is.....you secretly wish there was one where you live now.

Jaywalking is imaginary. It is an important skill you were taught when learning how to cross the street.

You went sleigh riding at the Van Cortlandt golf course.

You knew New Jersey sucked before the phrase came into vogue.....

You know it is really the "Liberry" and not the Library.

You know what a Spaldeen is.

You kept your bike underneath the stairway on the first floor hallway of your apartment building.

Your fire escape was the closest thing you had to a back yard.

You've played Ringaleevio & Kick the Can around your apartment building.

You have a great sense of humor.

At 16, you used your fake ID to get into French Charley's on Webster Ave.

You know that the Pelham diner is one of the best diners in all of New York City.

During the summer, you went to the public park to play in the sprinklers.

You know that all people from places outside of the Bronx don't know what they missed out on.

Beth, That's great! And I admit that I definitely am familiar with most of those!! My brothers went to Spellman, we definitely played in the sprinklers, I wish I still had a Spaldeen, the boys always played stickball and the girls (mostly) played stoop ball, love Arthur Ave., shopped at Alexander's, and loved Orchard Beach.

Bit of trivia: my grandfather worked at Van Cortland Park during the Depression. It was a WPA project, and his job as night watchman was to make sure that the construction equipment didn't get vandalized.

Can't leave out SC, Turnbull and Don Cardi. Some I deleted because they were already mentioned with New York and Da Bronx.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM BROOKLYN IF...

You don't go to Manhattan; you go to "The City"
Growing up, you thought Nellie Bly's Fairyland on Utica Avenue was a major amusement park.
You know at least one person with mob ties
You've ever played handball in the park
You've ever been to the REAL Nathan's in Coney Island (That means I'm a New Yawker now).
You know where to find alcohol at 3AM
There is a 24 hour bagel shop near your house
Your whole family lives either in your house, or a few blocks away
A pigeon has ever crapped on your head or at least your car
As a kid, you've ever ran into your house to get money because you heard the ice cream man coming
You've never been to the shore; you've been to the BEACH
You consider going away to college to be NYU, Pace, or Pratt
You regularly go to Brennan & Carr to get beef broth
You would only be caught dead in Staten Island to go to the mall because you know how crappy Kings Plaza is.
You know which ethnic groups you can find in which neighborhoods
You know the dirty names that go with all the Catholic girls' high schools.
You know the difference between going with, seeing, fooling around with, and going out with somebody
Deep down, you know that Long Islanders aren't real New Yorkers. (Oops, sorry SC).

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.



She put an ad in the local paper that read:



HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MYAGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON
ME & MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON


On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her
dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair He had no
arms or legs.



The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs! The old man
smiled, Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'



She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!' Again, the old man
smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'



She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in
bed???' The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile
and said,' Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

That's a variant on an old joke, Mig, but it's still good for a laugh!!

Well I'm glad I was able to make you laugh.

That was funny. I don't usually have a sense of humour, but that livened me up.

Here have a beer!

Wanna hear a joke?...I'm you!

An eagle is horny for some female action. So, he swoops over the forest, spots a loon sitting on a limb, grabs her by the neck, and flies back to his lair. He ruffles up his feathers and fixes the loon with his sexiest stare. The loon replies:

"I'm a loon/I'm a loon/I love to spoon/under the moon/in June"

This pisses off the eagle, who boots the loon out of his lair. "I want action and I want it now--no poetry!" he declares. He swoops down over the forest again and spots a dove. He grabs the dove by the neck, brings it back to his lair, ruffles up his feathers, gives it his sexiest stare. The dove replies:

"I'm a dove/I'm a dove/I love to make love/under the stars above."

"DAMMIT TO HELL," the eagle yells, "I'm the national symbol. I'm on the Presidential seal, and all the money. I deserve better than this poetry BS. I WANT SOME REAL HOT ACTION--AND I WANT IT NOW!"

So the eagle takes off again. But now he takes his time. Eventually he spys a duck blind. "Aha, a duck!" he chortles. He swoops down, grabs a duck by the neck, brings it back to his lair, ruffles up his feathers, and fixes it with his sexiest stare. The bird replies:

"I'm a drake/I'm a drake/You made a mistake."

That was great!!!