Since SC posted a Russian joke:
It's the early days of post-USSR Russia, and Boris Yeltsin has summoned Fidel Castro to Moscow for a meeting. "Fidel," he shouts, "Communism is dead. Capitalism is in. You got to get with the program..."

Castro's got a hangdog expression, bowing his head while Yeltsin lectures. He notices that his Soviet Army-issue boots are in tatters. He pipes back, bravely: "Boris, you lecture me on capitalism vs. Communism? Your damn country can't even make a decent pair of boots!"

"Bulls**t!" shouts, Yeltsin, his face purpling. "Russians make the finest boots in the world." He opens his desk drawer and takes out a gun. "Here, Fidel," he shouts. "You can search high and low throughout Moscow. If you find one person in bad shoes, I give you permission to shoot him!"

Castro walks for hours through Moscow, looking at people's feet, banging into lightposts, bumping into cars. Finally, at twilight, he stumbles, all done in, onto a park bench. He notices a bum sleeping on the bench, his face and torso covered by newspapers. The guy is wearing the rattiest pair of tennis sneakers Castro's ever seen. "Aha!" he says, regaining his confidence. "Just what I was looking for!" He whips out the gun, shoots the bum, and returns, exhausted, to his hotel room and promptly falls asleep.

The next morning, an aide brings him the newspaper. The headline reads: "Cuban Ambassador Assassinated by Bearded Madman."

The headless horseman is riding on his horse, holding his head underneath his arm through the woods one day. His horse stumbles a little, causing the horseman to lose the head, and it rolls down a hill. Somewhere off in the distance someone could hear the faint sound of singing. It was the horseman's head singing, "I ain't got no booooooooooddddddddddddy".

I bought a pair of tortoiseshell shoes today. It took me two hours to walk out of the shoe store.

My g/f and I were in the throes of passion last night. She cried out, "Hurt me! Hurt me!"
I replied, "All right, your dog's dead."

Man takes his kids to the zoo. they are standing next to the Gorilla compound when the father throws a grape at the gorilla. the gorilla picks it up, looks at it, sticks it up its ass, takes it out and then eats it. the man is horrified. He tries another grape. Same thing. Gorilla picks it up, sticks it up its ass, takes it out and then eats it.
The Zoo keeper comes walking along and the man says, 'Whats the matter with this gorilla? He's disgusting. I threw him a grape and he sticks it up his ass before he eats it!"
"Harry the Gorilla is very clever sir," Says the Keeper. "Someone threw a peach in there once and he couldnt shit the stone out....now he tests everything!"

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I met the person who invented Tippex the other day, I said "You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong".

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood"
I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate.
He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo"
He said "You're closest"

I visited the offices of the local Animal pound today. It's so tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there.


I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?"
He said, "He's not your type."
I said "How about Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

Don't quit your day job.

Why do I find these hilarious?

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?


If we don't get some support soon, people are gonna think we're nuts!!



TIS

Oho, a good one, TIS!

So funny, and so true.

ITS... ROTFL

Sorry (TIS)

Though this is not by any means a competition, Dave Moore's jokes are the ones that've made me last most. That monkey and custard one had me fucking creased.

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this
see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager
tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" And out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs,and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

Kids in church.

KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

Those quips remind me when my oldest was small and he would say, "Give us this day, our jelly bread,..."

He would end it with, "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from Eagles. Amen"

As a Steeler fan, I didn't correct him.

He also told his CCD teacher that he was Catholic, not Christian. That one cracked up the monsignor.

FUNNY CHURCH BULLETINS

1. Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.
2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

7. Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed accompanied by the pastor."

9. Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.

10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

16. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

17. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

18. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

19. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.

20. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

21. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

22. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7p.m. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

23. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

24. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

25. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

26. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

27. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

28. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

29. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

30. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

31. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

32. Evening massage - 6 p.m.

33. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

34. Ushers will eat latecomers.

35. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

36. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

37. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

38. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

39. Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

40. Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

41. The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

42. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

43. 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

44. Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

45. Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"
Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"

46. (During the minister's illness) GOD IS GOOD.
Dr. Hargreaves is better.

47. The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

48. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

50. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

51. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

52. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

53. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

54. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

55. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

56. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

57. The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.

58. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

59. Youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

60. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

61. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

62. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

63. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

64. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank fuck for that !"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"

A guy pulls out of his driveway and slams straight into the side of a passing car.
He gets out and watches as a dwarf gets out of the passing car. The dwarf walks over and says.
"I ain't happy!"
the guy says,
"Which one are you then?"

The Pope's riding through the streets of Rome in his bubbletop limo when he notices that his chauffeur is yawning. "What's the matter, Giovanni, are you tired?" he asks. "Oh, I'm ok, Your Holiness," the driver answers. "If you're tired, get in the back and I'll drive," says the Pope. "But, Your Holiness, it's my job..." protests Giovanni. The Pope's voice turns hard: "Giovanni, whose car is this?? Now, get in the back!"

The Pope gets behind the wheel and he's having a grand old time. But he's never driven before, so he drives on sidewalks, knocks over garbage cans, etc. A Rome police car pulls him over and hands out several moving citations. Just as the Popemobile pulls away, another Rome police car pulls up behind the first one.
"That's some car," says the second cop to the first. "Whose is it?"
"I dunno," says the first cop. "But he must be important--the Pope's driving him."

Ladies, aren't we all guilty of at least one or two of these?


Nine words women use...

1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.


2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in "fine".

4.)Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)


6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint.Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying *$@*#&%!

9.) Don' t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.


TIS

My list is a little more colorful than this.

Great list, TIS.... and a very helpful translator.

This reminds me of a true story, and looking back on it after nearly forty years, one that I'm not particularly proud of:

In my teenage years, my mother and I were having one of our all-too-frequent violent verbal arguments. I don't remember what triggered it, but at one point I yelled that unless she stopped I was going to throw the glass coffee carafe out the second-floor kitchen window. "Go ahead," she screamed back at me. "I want to see you do that!"

I need say no more...

Signor V.

It's all in the delivery. If the hands are on the hips and the eyes are flaring, it's definely a no-no.

Nice. Now that takes balls. But I'm disappointed it was merely verbal. I beat my mother often. I think every mother should be beaten up by their strong, masculine son at least once a week. How else are we boys going to a) prove we are men, and b) vent our teenage angst?

Have you been channeling Uztopoke lately?

These are priceless!

Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked....

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M. , flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. ***A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER***

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering human kind please share these with your friends and family... unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

***** Remember ... they walk among us! *****