nice one Turnbull!

I hope you all like this one:.

two hunters are out in the woods, suddenly one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says: ok, now what?

Apparently this is a true story:

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."

X - Welcome back! How was the West Coast?

Hey SB!

California was great (as always.) But that fantastic "California weather" I've grown to love over the years was suspiciously absent this year. The first few days were nice...but then the rain came, and it was pretty cloudy and chilly for the rest of the time.

But that didn't affect my having a good time. Oh no, not by a long shot!

I took some pictures...but um...I kinda left my digital camera in my girlfriend's car. And uh...she's kinda still in California.

I had a lay-over in Las Vegas...which was REALLY cool. It was night time when my plane arrived...you could literally see the city from 50 miles away! And there's slot machines IN THE AIRPORT! They're ready to take your money as soon as you get off the damned plane!


All in all...we had fun (as we always do). But my trips always have a bittersweet ending. It's never easy having to leave the one you love behind.

X- Glad that you had a terrific time, despite the weather. I'm sure it must be very difficult to say good-bye.

A duck walks into a bar and orders a pint.
"That's two pounds, please," says the barman.
"Cheers, put it on my bill."

----------------

A duck walks into a bar. "Got any bread?"
"No," says the barman.
"Got any bread?"
"No."
"Got any bread?"
"For fuck's sake, I've just told you, no."
"Got any bread?"
"Listen, if you ask me that one more time, I'll nail your beak to the bar."
"Got any nails?"
"No."
"Got any bread?"

A man walks into a bar with an octopus and announced, "I have the most talented octupus in the world. He can play any musical instrument superbly. I will give anyone a thousand dollars if he can't play an instrument.

A young lady said, "I have a trumpet. Let's see him play it."

The octupus wrapped a tentacle around the horn and began playing as well as Louie Armstrong. The patrons of the bar cheered.

The bartender said, "How about the piano over there." Immediately, the octopus was pounding the keys with all eight tentacles to create the the sweetest melodies those people ever heard.

Then a Scotsman pushed his way through the crowd and placed a set of bagpipes in front of the beast, and stated, "Let's see if the feller can handle me pipes."

The octopus wrapped the tentacles all over the instrument and rolled it around on the floor, but didn't play a note."

"Har, har, har," laughed the Scotsman as he watched the octopus struggle. "He can't play it!"

The octopus turned to him and said, "Play it? I'm going to f**k it as soon as I can figure out how to take its damn pajamas off."

That was great!

Here's one I just received in my email:

An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees"!

"What powerful rivers"!

"What beautiful animals"!

He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look.

He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

A barrage of blond jokes:

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
***************
Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children?

She heard that one out of every four children born in the world was Chinese.
***************
Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?

There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

*****************
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.

He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

**************
A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.

The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.

As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

****************
A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "That's a thermos...it keeps some things hot and some things cold."

"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. "What do you have there?" he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos . it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee".
***************
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

******************

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though...How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?".

Very funny jokes

In line with the theme.

A ventriloquist was performing with his wooden dummy in a small night club. Sitting in a chair while holding the dummy, he would act as a straight man setting up blonde jokes while the dummy delivered the pointed punch lines. After several of these jokes, a blonde rose from the audience and yelled, "Enough is enough already! How dare you make these insulting cracks about blondes! For years we've endured the scorn and ridicule of guys like you who make baseless accusations that we blondes are stupid, and it's downright mean and hurtful! Your unjust stereotypes of our ability to think are demeaning and you're adding to our misery with your cruel performances, mister."

The ventriloquist was stunned, reflected for a second and said, "You're absolutely right. I'm truly sorry and prom-"

"Shut up, sir," she said, "I'm talking to the little bastard sitting on your knee."

Brilliant

Ancient Chinese Proverbs

> Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
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> Man who run in front of car get tired.
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> Man who run behind car get exhausted.
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> Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
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> Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
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> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
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> Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok .
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> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
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> Man with one chopstick go hungry.
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> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
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> Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
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> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
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> Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
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> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
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> Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
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> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
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> Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
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> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
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> War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
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> Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
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> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
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> Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
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> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
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> It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
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> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
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> Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
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> Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
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> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
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> Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
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> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
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> Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
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> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
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> Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
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> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
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> Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Clapping ....TOO FUNNY!

Young gal comes home to parents and announces that she's fallen in love with a very religious young man who's enrolled in a theological seminary, studying to be a clergyman and religious scholar. Her father's dubious, and wants to meet with the religious student before consenting to giving him his daughter's hand in marriage. So, daughter arranges for the pious lad to meet with her father at their home.
Father says to young man: "How are you going to support my daughter?" Lad replies, "God will provide, God will provide..."

Father: "How will you put a roof over your heads, clothing on your backs, food on your table?" Lad: "God will provide, God will provide..."

Father: "And when children come into your lives, how will you provide for their needs?" Lad: "God will provide, God will provide..."

This goes on for over an hour--same type questions, same answer.

After the lad leaves, mother asks father how it went. "Well, it was the old bad news/good news routine," says Pop. "The bad news is that this kid hasn't got a clue about anything."

"And the good news?" asks Mom.

"The good news," replies Pop, "is that he thinks I'm God."

Very good ones, TB and klydon!

Here's another:

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl.

At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.

"Watch and learn," answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.

The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

Continuing in the vein of tickets and ticket-taking:
Two guys want to go from NY to Pittsburg by train. First guy says he'll go to the counter and buy the tix. When he gets there, the clerk has her back turned to him. He ahems, and she turns around--and she's spectacularly endowed. "Yessssss..?" she says in a sultry voice. "Uh, uh, two pickets to titsburg," stammers the guy, who then turns red and dashes away without the tix.

His pal, annoyed, says he'll get the tix. Again the clerk's back is to him when he approaches, but she turns to him. "Yessss...?" she says. "Uh, uh, two pickets to titsburg," the guy stutters--and he walks away, redfaced and ticket-less.

The two guys are afraid they're never gonna get to Pittsburg. But just then, they spot a priest in clerical garb. They ask him if he'd do them a favor and buy their tickets. No problem, he says. They give him their money. He approaches the counter, and again the clerk's back is to him. She turns: "Yessss...?" The priest pipes right up: "Two tickets to Pittsburg," he says confidently. The woman takes the money, prints out the tickets and hands them to the priest. He starts walking away, then suddenly remembers that he needs change. So he walks back and says, "Oh, and by the way, can I get two nipples for a dime?"

Guy wealks into a bar and orders ten shots. Baretender pours them and the guy starts slamming them down one after another very quickly. After the 8th shot the bartender says,"Man, you're drinking those awfully fast." The customer replies "If you had what I have you'd be drinking them fast too." "What do you have?" the bartender asks.
"Seventy five cents."

Clinton and the Pope are at a conference together and are both killed in a terrorist attack. Suddenly the Pope finds himself at the gates of Hell, and Clinton finds himself at the Gates of heaven.

The devil comes out and the Pope says, "This has to be some kind of mistake. I've lived a pious life, I have prayed every day,l and I have been a good priest and a good pope. The devil says that sometimes these things do go amok and he gets on the phone.

A few minutes go by and the Devil hangs up and says to the Pope, "you are right there was a mix-up. We're going to fix it right away. Suddenly the pope feels himself rising into heaven, and simultaneously Clinton finds himself heading downward. About halfway inbetween they see each other. The Pope shouts out to Clinton how sorry he is for this whole thing, but Clinton shrugs it off and basically says he figured this would happen. The pope says, "Thank you for your understanding, and just to let you know I'll put in a good word for you when I meet the Virgin Mary. "You're too late," Clinton says.

Those are very funny, TB and dt.

St. Peter had been working hard at the pearly gates when Jesus approached him, gave him the day off and said he would man the gates himself.

As he looked happily on the throngs of people entering the gates, he noticed a familiar old face in the distance. He couldn't believe his eyes as the old man in tattered garments drew near. Jesus walked to him and asked, "Old man, tell me, what is it that you seek?"

The old man, head bowed, replied, "I look for my son. In life -long ago- I was a simple carpenter, who had a son. A magnificent son. But he left me. He endured cruel treatment from wicked men, and I've searched forever for him."

Jesus hugged the old man and said, "Oh, Father!"

The old man embraced Jesus and exclaimed, "Pinocchio!"

(Okay, I'll say 4 Hail Marys and 2 Our Fathers.)

Another guy-in-bar joke:
Young Texan walks into a saloon and says in a drawl, "Uh, hey, barkeep: lemme have a dozen whiskey sours." Bartender starts setting them up and says, "Say, it sounds like you're celebrating something."
"Yup," drawls the young Texan. "Ah jest had me muh first blow-job."
"Well, that's really worth celebrating," says the bartender. "Tell you what--I'll throw in one on the house, make it a baker's dozen."
"Naw," says the young Texan. "If twelve don't get the taste outta mah mouth, I'll jest go home and go to bed."

Here's a funny one about dying and going to Heaven:

>> Two 90 year old men, Moe and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Moe visits him every day. One day Moe says, "Joe, we both loved baseball all our lives, and we played minor league ball together for so many years. Please do me one favor, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there."

Joe looks up at Moe from his death bed," Moe, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Moe is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Moe, Moe."

"Who is it?" asks Moe sitting up suddenly.

"Moe, it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's baseball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. And better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," says Moe. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."

A Golf Story

At the golf course one day, an elderly man challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side.

"But," said the man, "since you're obviously much better than me, to even things up a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."

The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.

And off they went.

Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the old man $100.

"What happened?" asked one of the members.

"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the old SOB stuck his hand between my legs, grabbed my crotch and yelled 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"

I read that in a book while sitting waiting for a dental appointment. By all accounts it is a fact. The queen laughed at Reagans response too, according to the book. But then, with Charles as a son, she has to have a sense of humour!

Country Funeral

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do . The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul.

As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory"! I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Another golf story.

The same four guys had been paying every Saturday for nearly twenty years. One day on the eighteenth hole, as one of the foursome was about to putt, he could see a distant street where there was a procession of black cars, led by a hearse. The guy paused, tipped his hat, and then putted out. At the 19th hole one of the other guys said "That was really considerate of you showing respect for the dead like that." The other guy said, "Its the least I could do. After all she was a wonderdul wife."

Just in time for the holiday-

Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Blondes," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Booboo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans
hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder.

St. Peter said, Verrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder, and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

St Peter fainted.

What does one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?

"We taste like chicken."

Believe it or not...
But this is true...
My company issued cellphones to all the salespeople.
One day one of the guys, Patrick, didnt show up for a meeting. I rang his cellphone and he answered.
"Do you like your job? Why aren't you at my meeting?" I asked

And he replied...
"How did you know I was in the pub?"

Priceless!