But seriously though, JC. For my 2024 New Year's resolution I was gonna drop all my bad habits.

But let's face it buddy, nobody likes a quitter. ;-)

Just because we gotta start 2014 off right...lol
--


THE CONFESSION...


Vito, a kid in the neighborhood, was feeling a little guilty, so he decided to go to church, to confession.

"Father, I wanna confess that I kinda took a little lumber from that new construction site down the block.”

The Priest, recognizing the voice, remarked, "Is that you Vito? What did you do with the lumber, my son?"

The kid Vito: "Well, Father, my grandmother's porch, she's had a big hole in it, for a long time. And I was afraid she’d fall in and hurt herself. So I fixed the hole."

The Priest: "Well, that's not such a bad thing, my son.”

Vito: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber leftover.”

The Priest: “Is that right? So, what did you do with it?"

Vito: "Well, my poor dog, Brutus, he never had a nice warm, dry place to get outta the bad weather when it would rain or snow. So I make him his own little doghouse."

The Priest: "OK…Is there anything else you’d like to get off your chest my boy?”

Vito: "Well, Father, I had a little more lumber leftover. And ya know, same as our dog, my pop never had a shed or garage to park his truck inside of, and through the years it was getting real beat up from the weather, so I make him a nice two-car garage."

Upon hearing this, the Priest was a bit taken back, and remarked: "Now Vito, this is starting to get a little out of hand already. It sounds like you stole a lot of wood from that business. For your penance, you're going to have to make a major Novena. You do know how to make a Novena, don't you?"

Vito: “I’m not really sure, Father... But, if you got the plans, I got the lumber."

-

Happy New Year 2024 folks!

Over the last few months, mafia members have visited all the local pizzerias demanding shakedown money.

So it appears these mob guys really want their piece of the pie.

Why don’t the animals like to play poker deep in the jungle?



...Apparently, there's too many cheetahs.

SPAGHETTI......

For several years, a married man had been having an illicit affair with a very sexy young Italian woman.

One evening, as they laid in bed right after having hot torrid sex, she decided to confide in him that she recently became aware that she was pregnant with his child.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation in the neighborhood...or his marriage, he quickly told her that he'd pay her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy and secretly have their child over there. She agreed.

He further told her that if she agreed to remain in Italy to raise their child, he would continue to give her money each month and provide extra child support payments until the child turned 18 years old.

She agreed to all of it, but asked how he would know when the baby was born? To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard with the inscription "Spaghetti" written on the back of the card as soon as the baby was born. He would then arrange for the child support payments for her and the baby to begin.

So, one day, about 9 months later, he came home one evening to his very confused wife, who said, "You received a very strange post card in the mailbox today."

"Oh, really? Let me see it." He commented.

So his wife handed him the postcard and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted, hitting the floor like a sack of potatoes.

On the card was written, " Spaghetti...Spaghetti...Spaghetti. Two with meatballs. One with bracciole. So you'd better send a lot more sauce!"
-

...Happy Monday folks!

THE HOUSE BURGLAR...
-

One evening a very wealthy and religious old woman, who had lived her whole life in a very innocent and celibate way, caught a cat-burglar inside her home ransacking through her things.

The burglar told her straight out, "Listen lady, you better keep quiet if you don't wanna get hurt. Just show me where all your jewels are."

Scared to death, the old woman replied, "I don't keep them here. They are in the bank, in a safe-deposit box."

He retorted, "Then where's all your silverware?"

She said, "I'm so sorry, but it's all been sent out to be cleaned and polished."

Growing more frustrated by the moment, the thief yelled, "Then give me all your money then!"

"I tell you." she said, "I don't keep any cash or valuables on hand."

Now completely pissed off, he growled, "Listen lady, I'm warning you here and now, you'd better give me your cash or I'm gonna physically rip it off of you!"

He then forcefully grabbed her and started pouring over her body, feeling her up and down, around her waist and from her chest to her legs looking for it.

"I keep trying to tell you," she said, "I don't have and money here! But if you do that again, I promise to write you a check."

HOW COME???
-

A Chinese husband filed for divorce.

The day they finally called the case in divorce court, the trial judge asked him, "What's the reason you're seeking a divorce?"

The husband replied, "Me no come! She no come! But baby come!...How come?"

A Chinese guy and his wife are sleeping.
The man rolls over and elbows his wife in the side.
She wakes up and he says "I want 69"
The wife looks at him and says "you want beef and broccoli NOW"?

LOL. I liked that one too.

LOUIE THE LOOPER...
-

One day Louie came home from work and saw a note his wife Mabel had left for him on the refrigerator door.

She wrote, "I'm sorry Louie, but this just isn't working anymore. So I've decided to go to my mothers."

Louie opened the fridge and it was nice and cold and the light quickly turned on.

He immediately said to himself, "What the hell is she talking about, the refrigerator is working fine."
-

...Happy Sunday GBB!

Why did the poorest family in the neighborhood stock up on yeast?


...Because they were hoping to make some dough.

The Middle East reminds me of that old joke about "The optimist and the pessimist"...
-
The pessimist says "Everything's terrible. It can't get any worse!"

But the optimist says, "Oh, yes it can!"

I met the Godfather of the Irish Mafia once....

…But he was so drunk, he couldn’t even form a sentence to make me an offer I couldn’t refuse.

“Respect Your Elders”

An old man was sitting by himself, having breakfast at a diner, when three scruffy outlaw bikers walked in.

Noticing him sitting there, they immediately walked over to the old guy. The first biker, staring the old man down intently, stuck his lit cigarette directly into the old man’s scrambled eggs.

The second outlaw biker then spit out his chew tobacco right into the old man’s coffee cup.

Seeing his buddies actions, the third biker then joined in by taking the old guy’s plate of bacon and eggs and shoved it completely off the table, smashing the plate all over the floor.

The old man, without ever looking up or saying so much as a single word, got up out of his seat, payed the waitress, and then exited the diner without ever looking back at his antagonists.

The three biker buddies just looked at one another, laughed out loud, and then sat down at the old man’s table.

Commenting to the waitress and everybody within earshot eating at other tables, the lead biker sarcastically remarked, “Not much of a man, is he?”

Turning her gaze from the diner window, the waitress quickly replied back to him, “Looks like he’s not much of a driver either. That man just drove his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles.”
-


Happy Saturday GBB!

Did you hear about the Irishman who got so drunk on a visit to Rome that he kissed his wife and punched the Pope on the foot ?

Lol. Whatya want? After all, the poor guy got confused.

What did Spider-Man say when he was deployed to the Middle East?

Iraq...no phobia

STALKER :
[ 'staw ke (r) ] noun

a full-time online private
investigator who perform
their duty at no cost.

LOL

THE ESCAPED CONVICT...

A man escaped from prison, where he'd been locked up for 15 years.

He broke into a nearby home to look for money and guns but found a young couple in bed.

So he ordered the guy out of bed and tied him up to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed posts. He got on top of her, kissing her neck for a bit, then suddenly got up and walked into the bathroom.

While the escaped convict was in there, the husband whispered to his wife, "Listen up babe, the guy must be an escaped convict, just look at his clothes. He's probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't had a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants to bang you, don't resist him, don't complain, just do whatever he tells you to do. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you."

The husband continued, "This guy is probably very dangerous. And if he gets angry, who knows what he's capable of. He might kill us! Be strong, honey...You know I love you."


To which his wife whispered back, "Babe, he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were very cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom medicine cabinet. Be strong honey...you know I love you too!"

Q: What do horses say when they fall?


A:...Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up!

^^^^^ this one was quite good lol lol

LOL. Then you get it. LOL

TD, here's another good one you might find humorous...

"Stalking is when two people go for a long walk together, but only one of them knows about it." LOL

I was seeing a girl for 3 weeks,but then I lost my binoculars.

LOL. That was good.

Zelensky: What made you invade Iraq?

United States: Because we "suspected" they may have had a number of nuclear weapons.

Zelensky: So, why not go on the attack against Russia now?

United States: Because we know that Russia DOES in fact have nuclear weapons!

SOME SATURDAY CHUCKLES...
-

During 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon, there were many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters. In the end, the Syrians reportedly lost over 80 fighter planes and had quite a number of SAM Batteries knocked out as well, while the Israelis lost no planes at all.

Sometime later, Syria's Defense Minister visited Moscow, Russia again to shop for more weapons to rebuild their arsenal. His host, the Soviet Defense Minister, was quite embarrassed about Lebanon's poor military scorecard as a result of the inferior weaponry previously sold to them.

So he told his Syrian guest, "Go ahead and take anything you want. You can have our best tanks, rifles and Surface-to-Air Missiles."

"No! No!" remarked the Syrian Defense Minister, "You don't understand. Last time, you gave us Surface-to-Air Missiles. This time around, make sure you provide us Surface-to-Jet missiles!"