I wrote this when I was bored in an effort to save the world from the impending Zombie attack. Prepare friends. Let me know what you think.


The Zombie Survival Guide

By: Dr. Thadius Q. Ferro


So, you don’t want to be eaten by a zombie, huh? Well, it’s time to face facts. Eventually we all get eaten by zombies. It’s the number one killer of men, women and house cats. But, in the meantime, The Doctor will give you some valuable tips on how to keep those mindless brain-munchers at bay.

1. If you live in a house, you will die. Zombies love houses. They always go for houses. Move into an apartment. They will get bored looking through the directory for hours trying to figure which number you live at. Zombies have very short attention spans and will move on to houses.

2. If you have trouble spotting a zombie when you know they are around, just listen for moaning sounds. Zombies moan excessively loud, mostly stating their lust for brains. So just keep your ears open for that awkward moaning noise. If you hear it, check your roommate’s room to make sure he’s not fooling around with his girlfriend, if he’s not, then odds are it is indeed a zombie.

3. Women are natural prey for zombies. Their weak stature makes them a key target for the undead. If you are walking your girlfriend home and see a zombie, ask your girlfriend to stand still then run away.

4. Zombies are terrible runners. This is due to the rapid tissue degeneration in their legs. If you are walking to your car and see a zombie approaching, just run away and don’t bother with the car. Fact is more people are killed by zombies when they are stuck trying to open their car then if they had just run away to an apartment. On the other hand, if you are already in your car and a zombie attack occurs, just drive away as fast as possible. Also, contrary to popular belief, you should not turn around and try to run the zombie over; they might jump on your car. Just keep driving away. Let some other poor dope deal with it.

5. If your friend turns into a zombie, then just walk away. Say, “Hey listen man, I know we were friends and all, but you’re a zombie now and I’m not cool with that”. Don’t worry. He’s a zombie now and he probably will get over the loss of your friendship after he’s had some tasty brains.

6. If you are confronted by a zombie while eating, do not try and bribe the zombie with your human food. Zombies have a keen sense for flesh and will not bother with it. Just get up as fast as possible and run. They might pick at the food momentarily until they realize it’s not flesh and leave. By then you should be long gone and back at your apartment watching TV.

7. If you are in a pool and a zombie approaches, just stay in the pool. It’s a well-known fact that zombies are poor swimmers. They might fall in the pool in an attempt to reach you, but they will sink harmlessly to the bottom. They wont drown, but they will no longer pose a threat. If there are any remaining zombies, get the long pole with the net on the end and hit the zombie from the middle of the pool. This will annoy them and they will leave to eat people in the locker room. Once you hear people screaming from the locker room, it’s safe to leave out the back door.

8. If you accidentally interrupt a zombie while it is eating another person, just look at the zombie and say, “Whoops, I seem to be in the wrong room”, then leave. If the person is crying for help, ignore them. Once they are bitten they will become a zombie soon anyways so what’s the point?

9. If you meet a celebrity who has turned into a zombie, DO NOT ask for his/her autograph, they will just try to eat your brain. Though discerning a zombie from a celebrity might be difficult with some cases, such as with Keith Richards, just assume it’s a zombie and leave. Unless you see a crotchety, old, wrinkled man falling apart at the limbs playing a guitar, then you can be sure that it is indeed Keith Richards. This is because zombies can’t play guitars.

10. In the unlikely situation that the world is overrun by zombies and you are the only human left, just go to the store (Watch for zombies in the organic foods section, they like that stuff because it has the most similar taste to decomposing flesh) and get a lot of water, fruits and nuts. This will help to keep you thin. Then when the zombies come to your apartment, just open the window and yell down for them to look at you. They will see how thin you are and leave. Eventually all the zombies will turn to cannibalism-cannibalism. This is the stage when the flesh eaters eat each other. After they have eaten themselves to nothingness, you’re in the clear. Enjoy a world all to yourself. Become your own dictator. How fun! (Warning: Keep your eyes open for a few days. Some remaining zombies might be trapped in houses or cars still. They’ll be dead soon, so don’t worry too much.)


The Doc

I feel so much safer having read this! You may have just saved my (and many others') life.

You've done a great public service here, Doc. I hope to see snippets of this in 30-second commercial clips on TV and radio. "Paid for by the Department of Health and Human Services, and the Ad Council." :p

Thanks, I'm just doing my part. Funny thing is, I'm not really sure why I wrote this. I think it is because I'm really afraid of zombies.

The Doc

I think that's the best thing I've read in a long time. Thanks Doc!

Would it hurt to carry two of these with you Ferro?

This.. is my boomstick.

That would indeed help. I made these suggestions in an effort to help people avoid zombies, not kill them. After all, zombies are kind, peace-loving creatures. Yet, unfortunetly, they enjoy the succulent taste of brain. There is no need for violence, just steer clear. :p

The Doc

I'm still confused on how to distinguish between a zombie and a celebrity. What if that celebrity never played guitar?

Good one Doc!

If this is the case, odds are it is indeed a zombie. Always assume zombie. Unless the zombie is, like I said, playing the guitar, drums or triangle bell. It's widely known that zombies can't play drums because they have no rhythm. And they can't play the triangle because when they do, they go into a feeding frenzy. It's sort of an unspoken law in the zombie world.

Keep your eyes open, folks!

Any more comments before I list more tips?

The Doc

When you say Zombies tend to go after women because they are weaker, does that include Janet Reno?

No, Janet Reno is a Zombie. Zombies love pant suits.

The Doc

No, Janet Reno is a Zombie. Zombies love pant suits.

The Doc [/b][/quote]So Hillary Clinton and Laura Bush must be Zombies.

if it Tony todd do not shoot he will no what to do

Zombies: George Bush, John Kerry,

Not Zombies: Donald Runsfeld, Charlie Rangel


Zombies: Tom Cruise, Renee Zellwegger

Not Zombies: Tom Hanks Paris Hilton

Hey, I saw The Zombie Survival Guide at Borders the other day. Have you read it, and based this on it, or was it a total coincidence? I flipped through it, and while it was a good attempt, I like yours better. It's much more concise, way funnier, and a hell of a lot more practical. When the zombies come for me, you can bet I will be using your advice, Doc-- no one else's. :p

Great one, Doc!

HAHAHA! Are you kidding me? You saw this type of thing at a book store? Hell, I'm going to go to a publishing company and get this crap made into a book.

Thanks guys, I'll be posting more of my stuff soon.

The Doc

Totally man, go for it. I'm telling you, yours was funnier. And Max Brooks wrote the other one.