Imagine you are in mid-thirties (Don't if you are ) and you don't have any kids (Don't if you don't ), so you decide to go through adoption. Which of these options sounds better to you and why?

1) A newborn baby who for sure has lost both parents.

2) A boy/girl who has shown a bright future while he/she is studying in the middle school.

3) Other. Please explain.

I'd go with option #1, a newborn. Because I really like kids and I'd love to see them grow and be with them from "the beginning." Plus, if you adoptated a child in middle school, I think it'd be harder on them to adjust to new parents, whereas a new born, they don't know that you're not their biological parents until you tell them. And for those wondering, yes, if I ever adopted a newborn baby I would tell them they were adopted and that I was not their biological father.

So you are cool with the age gap Irish?

Absolutely. My mother had me when she was 33 (she was 34 3 months after I was born). I've actually thought about adoption if I never get married. I really want a family and family is very important to me

Is the age gap a big thing? A lot of people have kids in their 30's. There's a 39 year age gap between me and my ma.

My mother was 35 when I was born as well. I've never had any problem with that and never even wished to have a younger mother but I actually hate it to be in late 50s when my child is graduating from college which I hope he/she attends in the first place. I think I'd cope with a hard adjusting middle school bright kid just for that. I don't know.

I think that Adoption is a fantastic thing! Anyone who sincerely wants to adopt a child and raise them has a HEART OF GOLD! A beautiful thing! As for your options AFS, tough for me to choose between them, as I love ALL children! So I guess that I would take all three!

But for someone else who has to make that sort of a choice, I would say that it is totally up to them. They would have to consider what their own life entails, what the probable outcomes may be by the choice that they make and which situation would suit their own life, and the child's life, the best. That's a tough choice to make, but I am sure that if someone's heart is really in the right place and they weigh all of the options, they will no doubt make the correct decision. Hey let's face it, just truly wanting to adopt any of those kids is the right decision within itself!


Don Cardi

Very well put Don Cardi! But I really want to know what everyone thinks. There might be angles that I cannot see where I stand. This is what I hope to do when my finances are in order.

Can I just ask you something...what way would you have of being absolutely certain that a newborn has 'for sure' lost both parents?

I am assuming you would word it this way because you wouldn't want the birthparent(s) turning up to regain custody once the child is older.

And, to respond to # 3 - would foreign adoption (Chinese/Russian/Guatemalen...) be a consideration?

Apple

Yes, this is the reason. It's happened a lot with people I know actually. It torn them apart really badly.

Yes, absolutely.

I'm off to bed now, but you guys carry on and I catch up with your comments in the morning.

Yes, absolutely.[/QB][/quote] http://www.allforchildren.org

If I was young I would want foremost (if possible) the new born baby. Although I wouldnt be too concerned if the birth parents were alive or dead really, maybe I'm just naive

If I was older I would be happily prepared to adopt an older child also (wether or not they were doing well in school with a bright future on the horizon ) Though I would still enjoy a new baby. (My grandson was born last year and new babys a great, but boy are they hard work )

I dont really understand what you mean by other do you mean like handicapped or problematic and such like? If so I would have to consider if I had the skills and ability to give the child what he/she needs.

I think it's wonderful for anyone to adopt a child and raise it as best they can. I think when my home is finally 'empty' if ever, I'll just have to foster kids cos I'll be too old to adopt!

Me and Capo are thinking about adopting a wee Scottish Terrier whos parents were viciously drowned. Obviously that's not going to happen until we're married though.

I think that if God didn't bless me with the ability to have children, I would be willing to take any child He was willing to give me. As every expectant mother, I would pray for that child to be healthy, but we can't always know what life will throw our way, can we??

Personally I would adopt the older child, simply because I would feel like he/she would have less of a chance to get adopted. Every child deserves a loving home.

That being said, I would love to adopt a child someday, but with two on the way it won't be anytime soon.

What I say is not meant for you, this is what I would do.

If I am in my 30s, how will I be sure that I will never have kids of my own in future? I cannot be sure. Unless there is a medical problem (with me if I were single or with either of us if I were not single). My sister's friend adopted 3 months ago after years of unsuccessful fertility treatment, but she is pregnant now! Her father, who himself is a gyno doctor says that when people are more happy and stress free, there is a higher chance of conception.Ok, I digressed too much.
However good natured we are, there is a biological reality that we must accept. Any mother would show much more affection and care for her biological child, compared to a adopted one. It may not be immedietely preceivable, but subconsciously acting on their decisions. This will create a lot of problems. The point I am trying to drive at is that I will consider adoption ONLY if I am sure that I will not have my own children in future.

IF we discount the above mentioned factor, I would adopt a small baby. But not any arbitrary baby from an orphange. First I would try all my immediete sources. That is, I would ask all my blood relatives if any of them are willing to let me adopt their child. I might possibly be able to offer the child a better living than my relative.They might agree. If that does not work out, then a child of my own race and country(please don't brand me a racist already, there is a logic). Why would I do that? There would be too much social discrimination when it becomes very obvious that a child is adopted. I will have no chance to delay the process of breaking the fact to the child if I go ahead and adopt an african child! Simple logic.
Humans are governed by their genes and environment. When I adopt, the genes are already decided. I cannot change that. But I atleast want some reasonable control over the environment(i.e. nurture). So a small baby is ideal for adoption.

Thanks everyone for comments.

Kris, how are you three doing?! I think once twins are born you wouldn't think about having more children!

Turi, I heard Capo is madly in love with someone else. Sorry mate, I wish I was a guy so we could have made a cute couple and adopt such a child. *Sighs* What's the use, I'm gay and trapped in the body of a woman!

svsg, adopting a foreign baby depends on where you live. If I were living in the States, I might have considered it more strongly. Funny thing is I too know two families who thought they couldn't have any children but a few months after they adopted a baby the wife got pregnant.

Adopting a newborn baby can always arise this question that why not your very own child? I've some reasons; mainly I wouldn't want my own child if I never get married. Why should I bring a half orphan to this world when there are plenty already in need of even a single parent? And as a single parent I could not make it to take care of a child unless I wait a few years more when I'd be doing better financially and the age gap would be something I wouldn't like. Add to that, given that everyone likes to be there for the first step of their child or the first word he/she would say but have you even considered, as a single parent raising a newborn baby would mean cutting down your work hours?

I've this resolution that by age 35 become a financial guardian to a child who is doing great in school so that he/she would be able to go to college and get the best education and be able to stand on his/her own feet. I'm thinking if I never get married, why not adopt that child and help him/her emotionally and educationally with all I know? I think a child who in spite of his/her unfortunate fate is doing the best possible to change his/her fate deserves much more than financial help. What's even better is that, this child would never have that moment of shock and drama when finds out about the adoption.

Afsaneh- Your resolution to raise a parentless child is wonderful! It truly breaks my heart thinking of all the children without homes in the world. For you to give the opportunity of a safe and secure home to another person is an incredible sacrifice that I am sure will give you just as much as it gives the child. That child would be incredible lucky to have someone as caring, smart, and giving as you.

But why, Afi? There's a difference. Your own child has your genes, and carries them further to the future. In a sort, it is your duty before God. If there's no medical problems, why should you deny him/her life? Just because there are orphans? I guess it's better to live a half-orphan than not to live at all. I think we must give them a chance. If I was less shy and upright and wouldn't think it such a sin, I'd have one already!
Speaking about adoption.
Consider, why should people leave a child. No normal people should. Events when the young child loses both parents and has no other relatives are rare. Usually the parents are either alcoholic, or drug addicts, or there's some problem with the child. Of course you can adopt ill child, but that is a commitment that must be well thought over. We have a family in our neighborhood, they adopted two boys, and they said that the earlier you adopt, the better. The more time this child spends without parents, the more reserved he/she becomes, and it may be difficult to wake their abilities later. There are some processes in human psycho that have no recourse, so I understood. Usually the most healthy and able children are adopted at once, on place. What remains - goes to charitable organizations, and the last remaining sometimes to the US. BTW, speaking about Russia, after some monster of an american woman killed a child that was adopted from Russia, there was a strong indignation, and many illegal adoption scandals, so now there's a strong movement against international adoption. They are doing well, and I hope they'll prohibit it finally. Every child must grow in their own nation.
So, what I mean is, when I give birth to a half orphan myself, I at least know that never in my life and especially during pregnancy did I smoke, drink or take drugs, I know who's genes are in this child, I'd look after my health and eat normal food. So, this child has a chance to be much healthier in every respect than any random orphan.

Kris, Thanks a lot. Hearing that from a soon to be mother makes me really thankful. You've no idea how those little ones inside you are fortunate to have such a great mother.

JM, It is not going to be a random orphan, but a child who is doing well at school. I wish I was kind enough to be able to adopt a child regardless of anything at all but I've some standards I'm going to stick with it.

I already mentioned problems a single parent is going to encounter if they adopt/have a newborn baby. Being a tad old fashioned, I don't see how an unmarried person have a duty to God to have his/her own child. What's more, I'm not that snobby about my genes, nationality or anything that we have no choice about it. Once you are what you are, it is great to feel good about it but that definitely is not what's important. What's important and would be what you'd be recognized with are your virtues, your thoughts and your acts.

Adopting internationally would help nations to feel friendlier toward each other. There have been many cases that biological mother has murdered her child. You can never stain the whole goodness because of some cases of unfortunate tragedy. We don't have much choice about where we're born and if our parents are rich, poor, alive or dead. What we can do however, is that if there is a chance and opportunity; make a difference in a fellow human life.

100 years from now, it doesn't matter how we lived, what we had or how rich we were. But if you've made a difference in a child's life, that'd stay a little longer than you in this world. I read this on a mug! I'm thankful for it because it had me thinking since then and I made that resolution. Anyhow, I thought I campaign a little for a good cause.

Plenty of people are unable to have children, does that make them unable to fulfull thier "duty" to God. What about the duty to take care of children without parents? Don't you think God would want that as a "duty"? It is in the Bible that we should all take care of orphans so apparently that's a duty too.

This statement is a huge generalization. Yes, some children are more reserved when they are adopted at an older age. Why woulden't they be? Older children are more wary of strangers and strange situations, making reservation a defense mechanism. It does not mean something is wrong with their abilities.

So you would rather have a child grow up parentless than to grow up in another nation? You brought God into the issue in an earlier comment, or else I never would have, do you think God cares about nations, border lines, or race? I find the statement that every child must grow in their own nation about as silly as a white child should not be raised by black parents. Children know and need love, nothing else matters. To want to prohibit international adoption is incredible selfish in my eyes. If you don't want to adopt an unwanted child, what right do you have to wish others cannot?

JustMe...judging from your posts here I'd say you are a bit limited in your thinking.

I'm not gonna try & change your mind or preach to you or anything like that. You're entitled to your opinions on adoption (foreign or domestic), birth, and 'duty to God'.
But I do want to say that I pity you and anyone who feels similar to the way you've expressed yourself here in this thread.

afsaheh77 - have you taken a look at the link I provided several posts back? While the discussion here has been wonderful and I'm sure very helpful to you...you might want to interact and get feedback from professionals as well.

Good luck!!

Apple

Apple, I'm not American nor live in the US. This organization seems to help Americans or those who live in the US to adopt internationally. But thanks anyway. I might be able to get some great information if I look to it more detailed later.

Yes, I'd say take a look when you have the time. Even if this agency is not right for you it could lead to lots of links which might eventually steer you in the right direction.

Again, good luck!

Apple

Afi you are to be admired, as is anyone who raises his/her own children, let alone adopts a child or two. I would think it is probably better to get a child two years old or less because then you will have the true influence of a parent. You know, a dog or a cat can sire younglings, but it takes quite a bit more than biology to really be a mother or a father. If you love the child and if you raise the child in a sound environment and discipline the child in a consistent and rational way, you ARE the parent of the child and it will not matter if some biologiacl parent comes out of the woodwork some day.

I am blessed with two children (not adopted) so I do not know much about the adoption process. I do know that it is important to have basic information about the child, especially if there are inherited medical issues.

I was adopted as an infant. I have no idea why my birth parents put me up for adoption nor do I care. My adopted parents were and are the best. They told me when I was 9 years old and I didn't have a problem with it. They gave me a wonderful life and I have no desire what so ever to look for my birth parents.
That being said I would love to adopt a baby or an older child. I wouldn't care. I would love to give a child all the love that my parents gave me. But already having 3 of my own and getting up in age I don't know if I will or not.

Af's I say go for it when you feel you are ready. And I applaud you for wanting to do that.

Are you potty trained?

Well I hope you don't have carpet in your bathroom :rolleyes:

Thanks Mig and Don Tom for your input!

Part, I said age gap is important to me; but a negative age difference? :rolleyes: :p

I really think that my sincere belief in everybody's sence of humor misled you. The "GOD" part was a joke entirely, and when I read how seriously some of you took it, that sounds as even a better joke. I really thought smilies imaginary necessity.
Never in my post I said that you shouldn't adopt or take care of orphans. If you accuse me of it, prove it.
All I said is that if I'm able to give birth to a child, and have opportunity, I'd prefer to have my own child, and not to refrain from bringing him into this world for any reasons, including adoption.
And yes I think that it's better to raise the kid in his own nation and race, because once you are what you are, you cannot change your mentality, and the same people with you will underatsnd it better. At least, the child won't be laughed at or pointed at by his peers at school etc. Children are cruel, they naturally have no tolerance to anything outstanding, different from them.
Never in my post did I say either that I think it's better to grow up homeless than be adopted internationally. Why do you honor me with so many opinions that I never expressed?
I think that the best way to grow up is in your nation and home. That's why I think noone should abandon their children to charity of strangers, if they are sane.
As to the question if the God cares about the existence of different nations, yes he does, he devided people so himself. I think it's a great treasure - that we are all so different. It's interesting.
It's a real honor to be a subject to your pity, Apple.
I'm touched and moved to tears, and very proud.
But if you see any real reason to believe my thinking limited, wouldn't you kindly point it out?