Only an Italian can walk into a bar, holds up 2 fingers to the bartender and then say..."Five beers, please!"

Q: How did the "Hipster" burn his lips?

A: He ate his pizza before it was cool.

On that note...

Q: While residing downtown in Greenwich Village, what did actor Robert DeNiro say to the pizza guy working behind the counter?


A: You wanna pizza me? Well do ya?

Question: What's the favorite type of sandwich that Italian-born "Dominatrix" love to order whenever they visit a trattoria cafe?

Answer: An Italian "Sub"

Q: How do you teach an Italian how to swim?

A: Place them waist-high in a pool of water, and them ask them a question!

Q: How does an Italian get into an honest business?

A: Usually through the skylight

Little Vito's Report Card....


Upon receiving his son's report card from school, Vito's father pointedly asked him why he was doing so poorly in history class?

After thinking for a moment or two about was asked of him, Vito quickly replied to his dad very defensively, "Because the damn history teacher keeps trying to ask me about things that happened way before I was even born dad!

Q: Fractions in mathematics were invented by whom?

A: Henry the 1/8th

Here's a very timely one I dare say...


Q: What made WWII happen so quickly?

A: Because they were Russian.

Q: In what way is eating pussy exactly like the Mafia?


A: Because just one slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit!

HISTORY LESSONS 101....


Here's a very timely joke for ya....

Russian history in 6 simple words: "And then things got even worse!"
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Here's another little quip for ya...

Q: In what way was the Roman Empire divided in half?

A: With a pair of Caesars of course!

A guy with amnesia walks into a bar,goes up to a cute blonde,and says "do I come here often"?

What do you call someone who takes care of chicken's?
A Chicken Tender

A cowboy walks into a saloon. His pants,shirt,and hat are made out of paper, The Sheriff comes in and says to the cowboy "you're under arrest"'
The cowboy asks "on what charge"
"Rustling". says the Sheriff

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. When he finishes,he asks the bartender "what do I owe you"
The bartender replies,"for you,no charge".

Some more Sunday Shenanigans...a few little history lessons for the forum...

Q: In Great Britain, where are the Kings and Queens crowned?

A: On their heads!
--
...on that note...

Q: Although he was indeed the King, why did he only stand one foot tall?

A: Because he was a ruler!
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Q: Or all the great strides man had made since the beginning of time, what was his single most ground-breaking invention throughout all of human history?

A: The shovel!
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Q: When the first Italian-born man was finally elected to serve in the White House as the new President of the United States of America, what was President-Elect Vito Bacigalupo's favorite new power as President?

A: Why it was his "Vito Power" of course!
--


Have a great Sunday folks!!

Not to diminish the horrors presently taking place in Ukraine because I think its disgusting, but I thought we could all use something to lighten the somber mood a bit...so here goes!
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In a free country they have lemonade. In Soviet Russia they have Leninade, advertising, "Why not refresh yourself with a Cold War?"
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A Russian provoked war isn't about who's right, it's about who's left!
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Yo mama so stupid she tried stopping The Cold War with a space heater!
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Shopping in the Soviet Union...

A Russian man walks into a shop. He asks the counterman, "You don't have any meat?"

The shop clerk says back to him, "No comrade, here we don't have any fish. The shop that doesn't have any meat is directly across the street."

ROOSKY RANT OF THE DAY...
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Soviet Dogs!...

An American dog, a Polish dog, and a Soviet dog sit together. The American dog says, "In my country if you bark long enough, you will be heard and given some meat."

The Polish dog replies, "What is meat?"

The Soviet dog quizzically replies, "What is bark?"
-

GOD BLESS THE FREE WORLD!...AND MY GOD HELP THE PARTS OF THE WORLD THAT AREN'T!

Daily existence in "Mother Russia"...

A Russian factory worker standing in line for over 6 hours just to buy a bottle of vodka at the liquor store finally says to his comrades, "I've had enough of this bullshit! Save my place, I am going to shoot that fucking Putin right in his head!" Two hours later he returns to claim his place in line. His friends ask him, "So, did you get him?"... "No, the line there was even longer than the line here!"

SOVIET FREE SPEECH...

An American explained to his Russian friend that the United States is a truly free country because a person could literally stand directly in front of the White House and scream out, "Fuck the U.S. President" and nothing would happen to him!

The Russian quickly countered that what his American friend was saying is all false propaganda because he too could also easily stand in the middle of Red Square and shout out, "Fuck the U.S. President" and nothing would happen to him either!

...GOTTA LOVE IT!

Geez Soviet Cold War jokes?
Don’t give up your day job

Its better to laugh about it than cry! (lighten the mood a bit no?).

Who is crying?

I don't know, are you?

MOTHER RUSSKIE.....
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A 4th grade school boy wrote in his weekly essay, "My cat just had seven kittens. They're all communist."

The following week the same boy wrote, "My cat's kittens have all turned capitalist."

Puzzled, the teacher called the boy up in front of the classroom and asked him to please explain this sudden dramatic change of opinion. "What happened, last week you said they were all communists?"

The boy just nodded his head and said, "They were, but this week they all finally opened their eyes!"

Q. What's the definition of a racist?
A. Anyone winning a debate with a liberal.

Q. What is a conservative?
A. A liberal that's been carjacked.

ANOTHER DAY IN MOTHER RUSSIA....
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The building housing the KGB headquarters in Moscow suffered a major fire and was almost completely destroyed.

Shortly afterwards a man called their temporary axillary office and spoke to a Russian receptionist looking for help. "Im sorry" she answered, "but we can't do anything for you, the KGB has burnt down."

Five minutes later the receptionist received another phone call. She repeated to the caller, "I'm sorry, we cannot help you. The KGB has burnt down."

Not five minutes after she hung up the phone rang yet again. The receptionist immediately recognized the voice as the man who'd just called twice earlier.

"Why do you keep calling? I told you that the KGB has burnt down!"

The man replied, "I know. I just like hearing it!"

PUTTY JOKES (because he's such a fun loving comrade)....
--

Vladimir Putin is at an airport and is going through the customs checkpoint.

The Customers Officer asks, "Occupation?"

Putin replies, "No, just visiting"

Q: What is Vladimir Putin's favorite song?

A: Crimea River
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Q: How do Russians start a joke about Vladimir Putin?

A: By glancing over their shoulders!
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Q: What was Vladimir Putin's mother's nickname?

A: Mama Putana
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Word just came in that Vladimir Putin was just re-elected.

He won over 134% of the vote!

More Vladimir..........

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that cosmonauts will live their permanently. When the cosmonauts were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape with no prospects of happiness, the Russians said...

"No! That's why we want to go to the moon!"



PS: Gotta love that VVVVladimirrrr! What a guy! A regular God fearing humanitarian of the first order.