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Forums21
Topics42,315
Posts1,058,472
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Jan 21st, 2020
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Re: Lets Get Some Jokes!
[Re: Yogi Barrabbas]
#663598
08/30/12 11:24 PM
08/30/12 11:24 PM
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Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 19,066
OH, VA, KY
Mignon
Mama Mig
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Mama Mig
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 19,066
OH, VA, KY
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A man left for work one Friday afternoon.
But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.
How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?
To which he replied. That would be fine with me.
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just nough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye
Dylan Matthew Moran born 10/30/12
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Re: Lets Get Some Jokes!
[Re: Mignon]
#663686
08/31/12 03:13 PM
08/31/12 03:13 PM
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Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 2,414
Bar Vitelli, Queens, NY
Signor Vitelli
Underboss
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Underboss
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 2,414
Bar Vitelli, Queens, NY
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"For me, there's only my wife..."
"Sure I cook with wine - sometimes I even add it to the food!"
"When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies?"
"It was a grass harp... And we listened."
"Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it? Every, every minute?"
"No. Saints and poets, maybe... they do some."
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Re: Lets Get Some Jokes!
[Re: Mignon]
#664987
09/07/12 02:15 PM
09/07/12 02:15 PM
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Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 25,984
California
The Italian Stallionette
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Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 25,984
California
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super sad story this 60 year old ladys husband died and she was so upset she wanted to kill herself so she called the hospital to see exactly where ur heart is so she could do it right. . .they told her right under her left boob. . .that night at the hospital they treated the old lady for a gun shot to the knee cap. . .aint gravity a bitch Ha ha ha ha ha  How sadly hilarious. LOL TIS
"Mankind must put an end to war before war puts an end to mankind. War will exist until that distant day when the conscientious objector enjoys the same reputation and prestige that the warrior does today." JFK
"War is over, if you want it" - John Lennon
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Re: Lets Get Some Jokes!
[Re: The Italian Stallionette]
#664999
09/07/12 03:21 PM
09/07/12 03:21 PM
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 2,418
Secret location (WITSEC)
HairyKnuckles
Underboss
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Underboss
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 2,418
Secret location (WITSEC)
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CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing there were three people left, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will be following all your instructions, regardless of circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."
The man said, "You're kidding, I could never shoot my wife" The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for the job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but can not kill my wife."
The agent said, "You do not have what it takes, you go home with your wife."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another, they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls and all kinds of noices. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said ...
"This gun is loaded with blanks damn it, I had to beat him to death with the f-g chair!"
![[Linked Image]](http://i1364.photobucket.com/albums/r729/michaeld78/Namnls000_zps164d4a3d.png)
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Re: Lets Get Some Jokes!
[Re: HairyKnuckles]
#665003
09/07/12 03:30 PM
09/07/12 03:30 PM
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Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 25,984
California
The Italian Stallionette
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Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 25,984
California
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Ha ha ha!!! That's another good one. TIS
"Mankind must put an end to war before war puts an end to mankind. War will exist until that distant day when the conscientious objector enjoys the same reputation and prestige that the warrior does today." JFK
"War is over, if you want it" - John Lennon
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Re: Lets Get Some Jokes!
[Re: The Italian Stallionette]
#666804
09/19/12 02:10 PM
09/19/12 02:10 PM
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 1,619
NJ
Don Marco
Underboss
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Underboss
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 1,619
NJ
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All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died. The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest......"
"After all, we are not communists"
Christopher Moltisanti: You ever think what a coincidence it is that Lou Gehrig died of Lou Gehrig's disease?
Tony Soprano: Yeah well, when you're married, you'll understand the importance of fresh produce.
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Re: Lets Get Some Jokes!
[Re: Obsessed With The GodFather]
#668325
09/30/12 01:51 PM
09/30/12 01:51 PM
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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,193
Muscat, Oman
Don Zadjali
Underboss
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Underboss
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,193
Muscat, Oman
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"Pain has no tendency, in its own right, to proliferate. When it is over, it is over, and the natural sequel is joy."
- C. S. Lewis
"Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh"
- George Bernard Shaw 
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Re: Lets Get Some Jokes!
[Re: Don Zadjali]
#668418
10/01/12 01:45 PM
10/01/12 01:45 PM
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 11,468
With Geary in Fredo's Brothel
dontomasso
Consigliere to the Stars
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Consigliere to the Stars
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 11,468
With Geary in Fredo's Brothel
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Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He pasta way. This is supposed to be a joke thread.
Last edited by dontomasso; 10/01/12 01:45 PM.
"Io sono stanco, sono imbigliato, and I wan't everyone here to know, there ain't gonna be no trouble from me..Don Corleone..Cicc' a port!"
"I stood in the courtroom like a fool."
"I am Constanza: Lord of the idiots."
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Re: Lets Get Some Jokes!
[Re: XDCX]
#671904
10/24/12 11:21 PM
10/24/12 11:21 PM
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Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 19,066
OH, VA, KY
Mignon
Mama Mig
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Mama Mig
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 19,066
OH, VA, KY
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MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs.. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes
Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's
biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another
Mr. Sanders arrived as well and we are now
uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the
results are either bad or terrible.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and
the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't
tell which is your husband's.'
'That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?' questioned Mrs.
Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere
in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him
Dylan Matthew Moran born 10/30/12
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Re: Lets Get Some Jokes!
[Re: Yogi Barrabbas]
#672313
10/26/12 05:45 PM
10/26/12 05:45 PM
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Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 101
Go West Young Man.
Big Alex
Made Member
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Made Member
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 101
Go West Young Man.
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My next door neighbour accused me the other day of pinching her washing off the line.....
What a shock i got.
I nearly shit in her knickers!! Good One!
You gonna finish that?
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Re: Lets Get Some Jokes!
[Re: Big Alex]
#675991
11/11/12 02:42 PM
11/11/12 02:42 PM
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Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 25,984
California
The Italian Stallionette
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Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 25,984
California
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Watching "The Rainmaker" and heard this lawyer joke (no offense to our BB lawyers of course)  "What's the difference between a hooker & a lawyer?" a) A hooker will stop screwing you after you're dead. TIS
"Mankind must put an end to war before war puts an end to mankind. War will exist until that distant day when the conscientious objector enjoys the same reputation and prestige that the warrior does today." JFK
"War is over, if you want it" - John Lennon
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Re: Lets Get Some Jokes!
[Re: Obsessed With The GodFather]
#676408
11/13/12 04:08 AM
11/13/12 04:08 AM
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Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 2,414
Bar Vitelli, Queens, NY
Signor Vitelli
Underboss
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Underboss
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 2,414
Bar Vitelli, Queens, NY
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Lilo, I greatly enjoyed the map! Signora V. was a Michigander - born in Cadillac, raised in Battle Crik (sic), spent lots of time with relatives in Houghton Lake and Lake City (where her ashes are). Lovely people, lovely memories. Will willingly re-post Michigan humor upon request.  Signor V.
"For me, there's only my wife..."
"Sure I cook with wine - sometimes I even add it to the food!"
"When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies?"
"It was a grass harp... And we listened."
"Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it? Every, every minute?"
"No. Saints and poets, maybe... they do some."
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Re: Lets Get Some Jokes!
[Re: The Italian Stallionette]
#676425
11/13/12 11:18 AM
11/13/12 11:18 AM
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 11,468
With Geary in Fredo's Brothel
dontomasso
Consigliere to the Stars
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Consigliere to the Stars
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 11,468
With Geary in Fredo's Brothel
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Watching "The Rainmaker" and heard this lawyer joke (no offense to our BB lawyers of course) "What's the difference between a hooker & a lawyer?" a) A hooker will stop screwing you after you're dead. TIS As lawyers say, if you want justice go to a whorehouse. If you want to get screwed go to a court house."
"Io sono stanco, sono imbigliato, and I wan't everyone here to know, there ain't gonna be no trouble from me..Don Corleone..Cicc' a port!"
"I stood in the courtroom like a fool."
"I am Constanza: Lord of the idiots."
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