Little boy in the bath with his mother!

Points between her legs

"Mammy,mammy,whats that?" he asks.

"Er..that's my sponge" she replies.

"Oh yes", says the boy."The babysitter has one as well,i've seen her washing Dad's face with it!"

This did actually make me laugh out loud.

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns


Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

---------------------------------------------------

Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.
-Walter

While speeding down a winding mountain road, a man has to swerve to avoid a woman who comes flying round the corner. As she passes him she leans out of the window and screams, "pig!".
Astonished, the man turns and shouts back, "idiot!".
Then he rounds the bend and crashes into a pig.

An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Pop,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,

Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love,

Vinnie

A man goes to confession. Tells the priest, "Father, i have sinned. I spent last night with 2 twin sisters,beautiful they were,20 years younger than me. We made love all night in positions i think may be illegal. What will be my penance Father?"

The priest thinks it over. "My son, go and buy a dozen lemons,squeeze them and drink all the juice in one go", he says.

"will this cleanse me of my sin?" the man asks.

"No", says the priest,"but it might knock that smug f*****g look off your face!"

Wife walks in on her husband while he's got a hairdryer to his crotch. Surprised, the wife asks "What the hell are you doing?"

The husband replies " Since you've been working hard all day, I thought I'd warm up your dinner"

Homely nurse is prepping a male patient for hernia surgery. She shaves half his crotch, then leaves the room, laughing.

"What's so funny?" asks a pretty nurse she encounters in the hallway.
"That guy," she replies, "he's got the littlest dick I ever saw. And not only that, he's proud of it--he's got a tattoo on it that says, 'TINY.' "
"You're kidding," says the pretty nurse. "No, I'm not," says the homely nurse. "If you don't believe me, go in there and finish the job."

So the pretty nurse goes in and shaves the other half of the guy's crotch. When she's done, the homely nurse is waiting. The pretty nurse says, "You were wrong. The tattoo didn't say 'TINY,' it said 'TICONDEROGA NY.' "

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! That's hilarious!!!




TIS

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patient
to operate on:

The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think Librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
Construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC , shut them all up when he
observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate
on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.'

What does a girl from West Virginia say after she's had sex?

Get offa me, Daddy. Yer crushin' my cigarettes.

Where's the joke?

Top 10 reasons why a Handgun is better than a woman:

#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.


#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.


#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.


#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.


#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.


#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.


#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.


#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.



AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN . . .



You can buy a silencer for a handgun!

Not really a joke and not even sure if this is a true transcript from a court case but it is funny.



If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's
credibility...

Q: 'Officer
-- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running se veral blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court
complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'


The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The
officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback'
line -- and we think he'll win.

Who in there right mind would make that trade?

A husband and wife are doing their grocery shopping.
up a case of beer and sticks in into the shopping cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans', he says.
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart.
'Whoa, what do you think you're doing?' asks the man.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

The man replies...'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER, AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE!'


TIS

[INAPPROPRIATE]

Oh boy!!! Do you know how to say arreverdecci?



TIS

WHAT THE FUCK? YOU INSULT MIGGIE'S DAUGHTER AND NOW YOU ARE MAKING RACIST JOKES?

Vaffanculo, tu madre scopante fica!

Santino, you're a good boy. But let the mods handle it.

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered,

'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars.'

'Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars',

and then, ask your brother 'if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked,

'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The mother
replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up
the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in
a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know how much a million bucks
would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?'

The boy replied, 'Yes... potentially, you and I are sitting on three
million dollars, but realistically we're living with two sluts and a queer'

And Then The Fight Started...


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station...

and then the fight started....


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go
home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said,
'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience
at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other
driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are
you?'

And then the fight started.....

TIS

Legs Up For Jesus

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air.

She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, “I’m afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy.”

“So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?” asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, “Tiddles’ legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to Heaven.”

Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: “Mommy almost died this morning.”

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, “How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!”

“Well”, mumbled Lucy, “soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, “Oh Jesus!!! I’m coming, I’m coming!!!” and if it hadn’t been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy.”

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to
go home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned
that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in
bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. .. my wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband,
'Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that
said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.''

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White Housein D.C.; One from Ohio another from Tennessee and the third, from Kentucky. They all go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Tennessee contractor takes out a tape measure and does somemeasuring, then works some figures with a pencil. 'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, thensays, 'I can do this job for ! ! $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

The Ohio contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, '$2,700.' The official, incredulous, whispers back, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?' The Ohio contractor whispers back, '$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire that guy from Kentucky to fixthe fence.' 'Done!' replies the government official.

And that my friends, is how it all works ! ! !

The wage and hour board in Wiscoonsin was investigating an allegation of unfair wage practices on a farm there, so they went to the farmer ans asked him about who worked there.

The farmer said, "Well, we got a farm hand here, I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board and 3 weeks vacation. HE's been with me 10 years. Then we got a housekeeper who makes 175 a week plus room and board and three weeks vacation,
and finally we got this half-wit who makes about $10 a week, does 90% of the work and sleeps with my wife a few times a year."

The wage and hour investigator says, "That's who we need to talk to... that half wit."

"You're talking to him" the farmer says.