That one hits close to home.

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.
He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."

A Fairy Fable

A married couple, in their early 60's, was celebrating their 42nd wedding anniversary at a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny beautiful Fairy appeared on their table.
She said: "For being such an exemplary married couple and especially for being so thoughtful and loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
"Oh, said the wife, I want to travel around the World with my Darling husband"
The fairy waved her magic wand; and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner and Ten Thousand Dollars appeared in her hands.
Then it was the husband's turn.
He thought for a minute and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. So I'm going with my mind and not my Heart. "
"I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
The wife and the Fairy were shocked and disappointed.
But a wish is a wish. So, the Fairy waved her magic wand, and - Poof! - The husband became 92 years old.
The Moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful idiots should remember; Fairies are females.

What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale?

The Northern fairy tale begins with, "Once upon a time".

The Southern fairy tale begins with, "Ya'll ain't gonna believe this shit".

TIS

A month after "The Producers" opened on Broadway, tix were going for $900 each. One evening a well-dressed elderly woman showed up with front-row-center seats. She sat in one, and put here hat and coat on the other.

Lights dimmed, overture started--and no one showed up for the second seat. Ditto after intermission. Lights went up after the play concluded--still no one.

Man sitting next to the woman asked, "Pardon me, ma'am, but was your husband delayed in getting here?" "No," she replied, "he died a few days ago."

"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that," the man said. "But, didn't you have a friend or relative that you could give the seat to?"

"Nope," she replied. "They're all at the wake."

Top Ten Ways To Make The Godfather More Appealing To Teenagers:

10. Marlon Brando gets two-foot tall sidekick, Mini-Vito
9. Enemies now killed by the explosive flavor of snapping into a Slim Jim
8. Three words: no Jar Jar
7. Sonny Corleone ambushed at tollbooth by foul-mouthed South Park character
6. Corpses of victims get dumped in Dawson's Creek
5. Theme song by Ricky Martin, "Livin' La Cosa Nostra"
4. Instead of organized crime, family now makes money by selling term papers
3. Change title from "The Godfather" to "The Puff Daddy"
2. Goodbye severed horse head, hello severed Backstreet Boy head!
1. New title: "I Still Know Who You Whacked Last Summer"

Nah, most of the general public thinks Puff Daddy is a breakfast cereal.

It's not?

I guy walks into a bar and orders a water.

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.

I wanna hear this song.

There's a picture that's going to be in my head for quite some time!

There was a young virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.

She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

Dianne goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."

The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.

"Well, what is it?" he asks.

"It's a bit embarrassing," she replies. "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs."

The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, "Is your boyfriend a Harley rider?"

The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually he is."

"That's the problem," the doctor says. "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers a question time. One little boy puts up his hand. The senator asks him what his name is.

"Kenneth."

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions: First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as president? Second - why would you run for president after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?" Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary informs the kids that they will continue after recess.

When they resume, Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary point him out and asks him what his name is.

"Larry."

"And what is your question, Larry?"

"I have five questions: First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as president? Second - why would you run for president after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? Fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall."

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.

The next day the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, and then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth; first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out still nothing. We even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first
with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeez'n it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get that damned jar open."

Why did the red neck farmer cross the road??

because his dick was still stuck in the chicken

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

___________________________

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

___________________________________

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

_________________________________________

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

Catholic Parrots


A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem. I have two female
parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say" the priest inquired..

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed.

Then he thought for a moment. "You
know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem
I have two male talking parrots, which I have
taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and
we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship!"

"Thank you," the woman responded,

"This may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots
to the priest's house. As he ushered
her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside
their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her
parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison,
"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male
parrot looked over at the other male parrot
and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Pete.
Our prayers have been answered."


TIS

"As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!" Ha ha ha ha ha


TIS

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas."

He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free".

He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?" "I'm going too!!" he replied. "Why?" She asked.
"I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!

Dear Friends,

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven.

He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motorhome with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy ...'. And here I am."

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Where is Funny?

On your FACE!


OHHHHHHH BURN