MAFIA DON

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed. "You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead."

"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. "Whadda you gonna do then.....pointa to you watch and a say, Times Up?"

...and then there was the guy who was drummed out of the Mafia for being too stupid. They sent him out to blow up a car--and he burned his lips on the tailpipe.

Good one There was a joke posted a while back about a lawyer and the mafia. I couldn't find it, but found these top 15 Mafia Valentine greetings. Some funny ones!



15) My love for you... it came and went.
So your feet are now in wet cement.

14) I'm here To fulfill your fondest wishes
Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.

13) Lie down with me -- it's my final offa,
Or you'll be lying wit' Jimmy Hoffa.

12) I picked up this card from a slim selection
But that's all they offer here in witness protection.
Love, J. Doe

11) I've waited so long for you to be mine.
Now that Sinatra's dead, be *my* Valentine.

10) Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.

9) Cinderella got her fella,
with a slipper made of glass;
So please be mine, Valentine,
or I'll have to whack your ass.

Violets are blue, roses are red,
I blew up your car -- So why ain't you dead?

7) The day we met, my little pet,
I knew with just one look
You'd bear a son, and now that's done,
So shut your mouth and cook!

6) Hey.

5) Youse da greatest. Youse da best.
But you're as untouchable as Elliot Ness.

4) Lust is fleeting, true love lingers.
Be mine always and you'll keep your fingers.

3) Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know, dis ain't really what a guy's heart looks like.

2) Valentine, Dear, lend me a hand
So I won't be a self-made man.

1) When a goon makes you die,
Cuz you told him goodbye -- that's amore!



TIS

Great stuff! Keep 'em coming!

Signor V.

Ok, this is very weird. On my last post, you'll notice the "cool" emoticon? I did NOT put that in. I went to edit thinking I had accidently put it in and it doesn't show on post preview. So I went to the site that I got the joke list from, thinking it was on the original text, and wasn't there either. I'm losing it!!!!

Ok, carry on. Just had to add another 2 cents.

TIS

Here's the one I was looking for. I think I read a variation of it, but basically it's the same.

Mafia and The Deaf Man


The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police, they decided to use a deaf person for the job. That way, should he get caught, he would be unable to communicate to the police what he was doing.
During his first week on the job, the deaf collector picks up over $60,000. He quickly becomes greedy, decides to keep the money and hides it in a safe place. Realizing that their collection is late, the mafia sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf man and ask him where the money is. Since the deaf collector is unable to communicate with them, they drag him to an interpreter.

The mafia hood tells the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs "Where's the money?" to the deaf man.

The deaf man signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The hood takes out a pistol, places it in the deaf collector's ear and says, "NOW, ask him where da money is."

Again the interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"

The deaf man signs, "The $60,000 is in Central Park. It's hidden in the fifth tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."

The interpreter turns to the hood and says, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger!"


TIS

Post deleted by Don Cardi

ROTFLMAO---Too Funny Don!!

ROTFLMAO WITH THAT ONE Turnbull!

Love It TIS...

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! TIS, looks as though you and I posted the same joke about the same time!


I'll delete mine.


Don Cardi

DC, our minds must have been on the same channel!!!

I'm on a roll. Here's another I found.



MAFIA CHRISTMAS

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.
He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."


TIS

Just too Funny!
Keep sending them!!

Here's another!!


MOBSTER'S TRIAL


The mobster was on trial, facing a possible life sentence, but his lawyer bribed a juror to hold out for a lesser charge. After hours of deliberation, the jury returned a verdict carrying a maximum of ten years in prison.

Afterwards, the lawyer approached the juror. "You had me worried! When the jury was out so long, I was afraid you couldn't pull it off." "I was worried too!" answered the juror. "The others all wanted to acquit.


TIS

That was great TIS..Thanks guys the laughs were good!

If you all don't mind, I'm going to use these jokes this weekend.

Of course silly!!!!! However, if you charge admission don't forget our cut!!!!


TIS

TIS, the text for smiley is , similar to for smiley. If you don't want the website to interpret those texts as smileys, put them inside code (the # button)

This form speaks for itself:

Is this the form that Geoff is going to require new members to fill out in order to join these boards?


Don Cardi

That is hilarious!!!!


"Bigga Shotza" I have to laugh because my grandmother, who spoke basically no English would say exactly to describe a show-off type person.


TIS

TIS - Did she ever say "sonomonbeech"? That was a phrase uttered with some frequency at my grandparent's house.

OMG!!! Not that grandmother, but my other grandmother. She too, spoke even less English than my other Grandmother.

I remember she was always cold and would sit in a chair right by the heat register. Well, the heat would turn on and then off. When it turned off, she'd hit the register with her cain and say "sonomobitchee" She couldn't figure it out!! Ha ha


TIS

Not to hijack the thread, but I will. My grandmother LOVED game shows and one of her favorites was Hollywood Squares. She especially loved Wally Cox, who she called Wally Cocka. Well, poor Wally passed away and they made an announcement at the beginning of the show that they were so sorry that he had died, but that he would be appearing in several episodes because they taped in advance. My brothers convinced my grandmother that it was Wally's corpse in the square and that they had him propped up with a broomstick. It happened to be a night that he didn't get called on, and they kept telling her that it was because he was dead. All night long, she just kept saying, "Poor Wally Cocka!"

Babe, that's too funny!

My grandmother on my mother's side spoke broken english. She used to say "son om a beech." And her favorite italian saying when she would get mad at us was " I'ma gonna geeva you a matzare ifa you don'ta stop it" while shaking an open hand at us.



Don Cardi

Great stories you guys! I am surprised there are so many mob/mafia jokes.

Here's another I found!


SIGNS YOU’RE WORKING FOR A
MOB-CONTROLLED COMPANY:


1. The front-desk receptionist greets each new visitor with "Good morning! Do you have a search warrant?"

2. The office supply cabinet features both paper clips and ammo clips.

3. The heating system works fine but everyone still wears gloves.


TIS

Christopher Moltisanti and Paulie Walnuts decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. After 2 hours of drilling they pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.

Christopher says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So he and Paulie eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.

Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They don't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed, Paulie says "Well, at least they left something for us to eat."

The next day, while listening to the news they hear:

"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people....."




Don Cardi

I remember Wally Cox, the voice of Underdog.

Did you know that he was actually very close friends with Marlon Brando. I believe they studied acting together and may have been roommates at one time.

I think I read this in one of the Book of Lists about 20 years ago in a list of unlikely companions or roommates.

Maybe someone else heard this too and can confirm it.

Ewwww!!!! I wasn't sure where it was going but I sure didn't see that coming.


TIS

Its true. They were roommates until Cox could no longer stand living with Brando's pet animal. I read that online some years ago.