For all you "PaulaHaters" in need of a giggle(from the Toronto Star):

Apr. 7, 2005. 08:04 AM

Someone please stop Paula Abdul


VINAY MENON

Paula Abdul must go.

Don't care where, don't care how. Just go. Please.

Readers of this space will know that calling for one's head is usually verboten. But today's dispatch is an exception.

Let us now ask — no, beg — producers to quietly extricate Paula from her judge's chair. Somebody must intervene and bring an end to the blathering spectacle that is Paula Abdul, circa 2005.

On Tuesday's performance show, in which contestants belted out showtunes, Paula seemed positively erratic.

Scott Savol was first to perform, going with "The Impossible Dream" from Man of La Mancha. Between the static phrasing and squealing high-notes he sounded like a Man of La Senza.

No matter. To Pollyanna Paula, every performance is a sonic orgasm.

"Let me tell you, Scott, to open the show like that," she gushed. "I think this is one of the most heartfelt performances so far in this competition."

When Simon called it "ordinary," Paula interjected.

"Oh, it was extraordinary," she hissed.

Why is Paula talking over the other judges? Why are her eyes so glassy these days? Do her toes itch? Is that why she's always stomping her feet during impromptu one-woman ovations?

Constantine Maroulis was next. He selected "My Funny Valentine" from Babes in Arms. He stormed the stage looking like he just sacrificed a virgin. When he was done warbling and staring into the camera with the unblinking menace of a serial killer, Paula applauded like a giddy toddler on a sugar high.

"Okay, I lost it, I lost it, like, in the first verse," she stammered. "The first step is admitting it. I admit I'm falling in love with you."

Creepy. And interesting. Do you get the feeling she's familiar with step programs?

Simon started to talk but, again, was cut off by Petulant Paula.

Next up: Carrie Underwood. She sang "Hello, Young Lovers" from The King and I. Carrie looked exquisite in her baby blue dress, her face framed by tangles of golden hair. She was delightfully retro.

Simon noted, "It was rather like watching a washing powder commercial in 1965."

Paula giggled like this was The Funniest Joke Ever! She cradled her head and was like, Oh, Simon, you don't `wash' your powder!

Time for Vonzell Solomon. She bravely went with "People" from Funny Girl. Surprise: Paula was back on her feet, her arms contorted over her head, clapping like a trained seal in need of fish.

After Randy let fly with one of his gender-neutral exclamations — "Dude!" — Paula displayed a penchant for existential tautology.

"That was such a bold choice to pick a Barbra Streisand song. But Barbra is Barbra and Vonzell is now Vonzell."

And the audience at home is now scared.

Simon glanced at her with the muted concern of a parent in the stumbling company of a drunken child. Reluctantly, he said Vonzell left him cold.

"How in the heck could that leave you cold?" asked Paula, palms outstretched with plaintive indignation. Then she rested her head on a fist and gazed quizzically into Simon's eyes like they were magical jellybeans.

Anthony Federov unwisely selected "Climb Ev'ry Mountain" from The Sound of Music. He arrived in white trousers and a blue shirt that made him look and sound like the 1-3 a.m. act on a discount cruise ship.

Randy could not sugarcoat things: "I didn't think it was very good at all."

As he was talking, Paula decided at least eight seconds had passed since she last upstaged a colleague. She held her right arm behind Randy's back and encouraged catcalls from the crowd with an exaggerated thumbs-down gesture.

After Nikko Smith showed off his mid-'80s ensemble — polka-dot tie, banker's vest and top hat — Anwar Robinson sang "If Ever I Would Leave You" from Camelot, which should certainly end speculation about his sexual preferences.

Noted Paula: "The second you smile, it melts America's hearts."

Then she winked at the grinning unicorns only she can see.

Bo Bice sang "Corner of the Sky" from Pippin. If you missed it, imagine the Allman Brothers doing The Lion King dressed like the Village People.

As the night wore on, so did Paula's ability to enunciate. To transcribe her comments about Bo, I needed to rewind the tape 36 times.

"In the package earlier you said you were keeping your fingers crossed, you could cross your toes, you could cross your legs, you are in this competition," Paula said, showing off her pig Latin.

Simon said Bo had suffered his second bad week. Paula looked ready to slash his jugular with a butter knife.

"Oh, baloney! Baloney!" she hollered. "It's showw-thunes!"

Yeah, Shimon, shtop bwingin ush dhown!

Nadia Turner, mercifully, was the last to sing. She selected "As Long as He Needs Me" from Oliver! and took to the stage in a satin wedding dress. Judging by her hair, she was also electrocuted earlier in the day.

The cameras caught Simon whispering to Paula. He probably told her to relax and that in a few minutes she could gobble down some Skittles.

The show ended. Ryan encouraged viewers to vote. He thanked the judges. Paula clapped. She laughed maniacally.

Then her head rolled back and she clapped some more.
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Who IS this Vinay guy? I LIKE him!!!