Doom

Yes I know what I should expect when I see a movie based off of a video game, I know that “greatness” is not something I’m going to be experiencing during the course of it’s run. I would find it highly suspect if I ever saw a VG based movie win any award that wasn’t Golden Popcorn, because that what these movies are, Popcorn-ass-bubblegum-fluff-entertainment. With that in mind…

I spent the entire movie wondering why the fuck they named it after the VG Doom. Did you ever play Doom? Well I did and you know what there was no “team”! It was you a freaking pistol and what ever you could manage to find along the way. Also I don’t know about you but when I played Doom I was shooting fucking demon scum from hell. Now in the movie Doom it is some type of mutant, who have been exposed to some 24th chromosome and mutate. They even have lines in the movie about the chromosome unlocking evil or some shit, you want to know what unlocks evil pretty damn good…A GATE TO MOTHERFUCKING HELL, YOU KNOW LIKE YOU WOULD FIND IN SAY DOOM! I guess by now you might be detecting some bias on my part, I would say that I’d try to restrain myself…but I won’t. You want to know what this movie has in common with its namesake; it’s one saving grace- it has a B.F.G. otherwise know as a Big Fucking Gun. Oh sure you might see on a computer screen that B.F.G stands for “Bio-Force Gun” or some shit but ask any Doom fan, any real fan…it’s a Big Fucking Gun.
Ok sure I’ll take back the “no team” comment I understand some concessions must be made to translate the VG to Film, especially since only one of them survives. (I swear to Christ if one persons says anything about spoilers and the movie Doom – I will find you and give you a mushroom tattoo) But the other things are basic to the movie, sure I get that shooting “mutants” isn’t really that much of a stretch from shooting “demons” in that your still shooting “monsters” and that the mechanic is still the same. It seems little but picky to bitch over something like that given that I already understand that there are concessions to be made if the property is to translate from one medium to anther but come on. Think merely on the connotation of the words listen to it; say it out loud “mutant”. Now what did you think of? The X-men? The Toxic Avenger? Some gross and hideously deformed humanoid that used to be your aunt? To Mutate is to change that usually means that the monsters aren’t that far removed from humanity, like tragic figures that due to circumstances beyond there control have been changed into monsters, their biology now betraying them forcing them to go on basic instincts, predatory reptilian brain impulses and shit. Now say the word “demon” any trace of tragedy there? No more like pure evil images of blood and fire, of deceit and corruption. Now were talking intelligent creatures of a black dominion that’s sole purpose their only reason for existence is to feast on your flesh and devour your soul. So what sounds like a better bad guy to you? It’s like taking Tom Cruise’s character in Collateral and making him a thief instead of an assassin, I mean he’d still be forcing Jamie to drive him around and commit crimes but it wouldn’t be murder it just changes it.

Score: D-
P.S. – Yeah I know how could I write two whole paragraphs, lengthy ones at that bashing a movie and not give it an F? For the reasons I didn’t talk about. The Rock is nothing if not charismatic and fun to watch, I really like some of the team members, the aforementioned BFG, and for the reference to the creator of Doom that I was the only one in the room to get.