1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.

You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it

didn't move."


2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"

"No, You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"


3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"


4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm
a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:

"The big sissy."


5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,

"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."


6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"


7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,

"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."


8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.


9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."


10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"


11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

I'm sick right now and my parents are leaving to go back to New York tomorrow and I have to work tomorrow night. Other than that, graduation was fun and I didn't get sick until later that night

Bad news, guys. My car (my beautiful M3!!), that I got less than a year ago, is totaled. Luckily it wasn't my fault, but I think my insurance is still going to skyrocket because the guy who hit me kept going and I didn't get his license plate number.

On my way home from dinner tonight, I was slowing down to make a left turn from a left turn lane at a green light. This huge Expedition from the lane next to me (I was totally not even in his way, btw) swerved into me and hit the back corner of my car SO hard, that he actually pushed my car a good 10 yards like that, and drove away. My car spun out of control from the momentum, and hit a streetlamp on the other side of the street, so the side of my car (not as far as the door, though-- just the hood section) looks like a fortune cookie the way it folded around the lamp post.

And thank God, the street was kind of empty, so there weren't any cars coming from the other side, just one guy like a minute later, who pulled over and waited with me for the cops and made sure I was okay. He was really nice, he got out of his car with his cell phone already in his hand, asking me if I called the police already and if I needed to sit down or anything.

It was the most terrifying thing ever... thank God, I'm okay, just a little back and neck pain. And I have some cuts on the back of my hands, but I'm not sure how that happened... I don't think I touched any glass or anything.

This is the second car of mine that's been totaled... I have like the worst luck!! But this accident was way worse than the first one. And it's a shame, too-- I really loved this car, and I highly doubt my next one will be anywhere near as nice. With two totaled cars within a year and a half, I have a feeling my dad's gonna make me pick a cheaper car for my next one. Which isn't completely bad... I've been eyeing the Toyota Matrix for a while, I think it's cute. I'm trying to look on the bright side of it and tell myself that at least I'll have a new and different car.

My sister (who is VERY superstitious) says I brought it on myself yesterday, because I was complaining about how annoying it is to drive a stickshift in L.A. traffic... and even though I love driving stick, in a moment of spontaneous frustration, I said, "I can't wait until I get rid of this car and get an automatic!!" And boom, the next day, it's totaled. Good thing I'm not a superstitious person, because that would have freaked me out.

Anyway, this got a little long, sorry. It's different when you let it all out in writing; it's like therapy. Whew!

Hi all, this is my first post hope you don't mind me joining you. Guess I'd better keep my mouth shut and my eyes open for a while, but just wanted to say buongiorno and that I'm ecstatic to have found a board like this. Nice to 'meet' you all, I'm off to catch up on the Godfather quoting game! Ciao

Zia, that sounds terrible.
I'm glad you're OK. So, it's unrepairable?
Those insurances are bitchy. Ours make you pay more if you were in accident, even if you're not guilty.
We sold our last car after my father had an overturn in it. So you were lucky.
And you're right, concentrate on your new car. I like automatics too, but they are not very reliable on bad road.

Joolsie - welcome!

Welcome Joolsie,nice to have a another UK member on board,make sure you stick around this great site and enjoy

I'm so sorry to hear that, Zia! It's one thing to be in an accident and have it not be your fault, but its another when the bastard who did it runs off. Reminds me of a few years ago.

My girlfriend's best friend was driving along, and this drunk f*cker just rear ended him outta nowhere. The guy hit him so hard, that he ended up slamming into the guy in front of him. Now this was a brand new Toyota Camry, he'd only had it for a few months, so needless to say, he was a little pissed. Well, the guy who caused it took off, so Jerry (the friend) jumped back in his car, and went after him. Well the guy that Jerry hit in the process thought that Jerry was taking off, so he got pissed and was about to go after him, but the woman he was with noticed that Jerry's back end was pretty even with the front, and realized he got hit too. So they both went after this guy, Jerry called the cops on the way. They asked him what to look for, he said "Look for an accordian driving down the street."

Also reminds me of a story my grandfather told me. He was driving along in his souped up Thunderbird. He had just finished fixing up this car, and when he was done, it was better than fully equipped. He was driving along, and some dude ran a stoplight (or stop sign) and slammed into the side of him. Well that dude was about to take off, but my grandfather jumped out of his car with his baseball bat, and said "Oh no ya don't!" Then he proceeded to smash in the other dude's car. All that guy could do is watch, I mean c'mon! Are you gonna try and stop some crazy guy with a baseball bat? When the insurance came in, it was just enough to pay for his car, and the other guy's, so he broke even.

Hopefully that'll lighten your mood a little bit, Zia.

Zia,

That's awful. I'm so glad that you're ok. Just remember it could have been a whole lot worse. Don't ignore the neck/backpain. Make sure you get checked out. I hope your insurance doesn't skyrocket too much. They usually really put the screws to young drivers.

Ha ha...a stickshift in L.A.??? I love stickshifts too, and my last car was but my current car is not. They are fun to drive, but definitely a pain in stop/go traffic.

Anyway, glad you're ok.

TIS

Welcome Joolsie!

Letizia, I know how it feels when a thing like this happens, but consider you could have been injured or even worse. You can buy a new car. You can never buy a new Zia! There were cameras on the road? Call the police, maybe they can help you find the plate number.

Welcome Joolsie! Buongiorno to you too....or should I say buon pomeriggio now?

Btw Zia, what's with these Freeway shootings starting up again? There was another one yesterday, and one here in Riverside as well. Freekin' idiots.


TIS

nah......she received anti rabies vaccination, anyway....

Welcome to the boards, mate! Please, don't refrain from partaking in the festivities. Just be warned. Once you're in, there's no way out! (Well, I guess if you get banned or something, or if Afi bites you.)

Sorry to hear about your car, Zia. Thankfully, you came out of it OK.

What goes around comes around - that dude will get his.

Ummm... That was a loooooong time ago! I'm not sure if it is still effective.

I'm desperately looking for a way to get rid of an annoying colleague. I can't stand this guy!

Zia, I'm sorry to hear about your car. I'm in the mood to go whack someone, if only you'd taken his license plate number...

Sad day for me tommorow It's the last 'proper' day of school before the study leave for the exams begin and a few of my friends who have come all the way through playgroup to primary school up untill now are leaving this year so it will be their final day tommrow after 12+ years of being together as a group I know we will all keep in touch hopefully but it's not going to be the same.

I suppose we all have to move on some day but it seems like its come upon us all to quick...

Sorry to hear about ur accident Zia x

Zia,

I am so sorry to hear about your car accident. Thank God you are ok. PLEASE get your neck checked out. It's not fun having whiplash. I hope everything turns out ok for you and with your insurance. Keep us posted ok.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by afsaneh77:
<strong>I'm in the mood to go whack someone, if only you'd taken his license plate number...

Thanks for all the kind words, guys. I feel like crap today, aching all over and stuff, but I'm going to the doctor's office in like an hour and a half. I think it's going to be pretty pointless, but my dad's making me go, and he's always right. So I'll go-- it's fifteen minutes out of my day, big deal.

XDC, I love the baseball bat story!! The best part is that he actually HAD a baseball bat in his car... That's hilarious! I have to get one now to keep in the car. I want one of those metal ones, I bet they can do more damage than wood.

True, every once in a while, a few of them happen all within like two weeks. Weird... there are a lot of psychos out on the streets, it's scary! Between the drunks, the hit-and-runs, the just-plain-bad-drivers, the shootings, and the road rage, we hardly stand a chance!

Thought this one was hilarious for you political-follows out there:

A young boy asks his dad, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way.

1) I'm the bread winner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism.
2) Your mom is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.
3) We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.
4) The nanny we'll call the Working Class.
5) Let's call your baby brother the Future.

"Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

The little boy then goes to his parents' room and finds his sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He then gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad I think I now understand politics. The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is about. "The little boy replies "While Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the future's in Deep Shit."

I've had a sore throat for 3 days now

That's awful Mig. Hope you feel better soon.

I think it's allergies Af's.

God Bless America!!!

DS

My Home Sweet Home!!!!

WOO HOO!. Just got my last grade and I made the honor roll again for the 4th straight semester. I made 3 A's and 2 B's. My GPA when I graduated was a 3.52 (which is exactly what I wanted). It's funny, my first 4 semesters in college I never made the honor roll, and the last 4 I make the honor roll every semester

Last night I won my first film award; Best Director, for the opening scene of a thriller, at a ceremony held at a cinema in Newcastle. I was up against other people in my A-Level Media class.

The first of many, I hope...

Mick

That's just wonderful Mick! Congratulations! I wish we could get to watch it though.

Congratulations I12. That's great news. You're hard work paid off. Now, are you ready for the real world????

Capo, I'm so happy for you as well. You must be thrilled to death. Who knows, this could be just the very beginning of something "big." I too wish we could see it. Good luck to you.


TIS