A man sees a good looking lady giving him the eye in the supermarket!
"Do i know you?" he asks her.
"Are'nt you the Father of one of my children?" she asks him.
He quickly thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful.
"Were you the hooker i made love to over the pool table at my stag do whilst your mate spanked my ass with a big stick of celery?" he asks her.
"Er no..." she replies "I'm your son's teacher!"

That one's great.

This is apparently a true story although it reads as a joke would.

When Ronald Reagan was president, he was either visiting or being visited by Queen Elizabeth. They and some others were horseback riding when the Queen's horse suddenly and loudly passed gas. Embarrassed, the Queen said, "I'm so sorry, Mr. President."
Reagan replied, "If you hadn't said anything, I'd have sworn it was the horse."

Maybe someone can validate the story. I recall the Queen once visiting him in California.

ROTFLMAO!!!---TOO FUNNY!

It had to be the horse.....
The Queen does'nt break wind
She gets a footman to do it for her.....

A loving husband comes home with the words "I luv u" tattooed on his penis!
He proudly shows his wife his new handiwork!
"There you go again" she says,"trying to put words in my mouth".........!

A priest, a minister and a rabbi were camping together in the middle of the woods when they began discussing their powers of persuasion. they made a friendly wager as to see who could go out and be the first to convert a bear.

When they met in the evening, the priest said, "I found a bear, doused him in holy water, and read my catechism to him, and he became gentle as a lamb. So moved was he that the bishop is coming up tomorrow to give him Holy Communion and Confirmation."

The minister then said, "I too found a bear along the river. I preached a stirring sermon about the fires of hell, eternal damnation and the joys of heaven. So moved was the bear that I took him into the river and baptized him there."

The rabbi, who was heavily bandaged and limping, said, "I found a bear and in retrospect, perhaps I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."

Wendell was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds... AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!"

The next morning Wendell got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift out in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought in the box, which she hoped contained a car key.

She opened it and found a new bathroom scale.

Wendell has been missing since Friday.

With a man soon to celebrate his 50th wedding anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Pete to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to maintain his marriage with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The minister inquired, "Trips to where"?

"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."
The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Pete."

Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary."

Pete said, "I'm going to go get her."

\

Great ones, XDCX!

Signor V.

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
*************************************

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon :
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:
"We're #1 in the #2
business."
**************************

At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************

At an Optometrist's Office :
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
***** *********************


On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************

In the front yar d of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************

When is it time to hang up the "thong"???





http://www.locogringo.com/forums/upfiles/7682/D80BF7F5D7B44F43923F5A30DB62C693.jpg

TIS

TIS - That was just frightening.

that ones gonna give me a nightmare now

Everyone thinks that TIS is such a goody-goody.... click on that link (in her post above) and see if you still think that about TIS.

TIS - I'm blind now.... Thank you very much.

.

.

Ha ha!! Didn't mean to blind you SC, but isn't that disgusting??? Someone at work e-mailed it to everyone today. Ha ha. The old broad has a lot of guts I'll say that. Along with the wrinkly saggy skin that is. Not a pretty sight.

TIS

Considering that she must be 110 years old there SHOULD BE laws against that (in public).

OH MY GOD! What the hell is that?

Holy shit! What nerve she has!



Don Cardi

I would guess that her physical infirmities are exceeded only by her physical infirmites.

When are we going to get the view from the front?

Crazy

What World did she come from?
No No No

FRONT? Panic
I AM OUT OF HERE!!

What's wrong with you people? You didn't enjoy that? You've got to be kidding me. I need new pants after a peek at that snapshot.

WEDDED BLISS


The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him
25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany,Holland, Japan,India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozenglasses.."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, sa id, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise.

OK?" You want hors d'oeuv res, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres:
chicken wings, pigs In blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... At the bar... you know...there's swearing,
dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your fucking beer in your
goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfucking snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?"

........and, they lived happily ever after.

Isn't that a sweet story?

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man: I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample...

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: WHAT?

What did he say? What's he want?

His wife yells back, He needs your underwear!

Clapping
ROTFL

WAY TOO FUNNY!

French joke:
Little guy wants to join the Foreign Legion. Commandant tells him he's way too small. Little guy replies that he's tough, all heart--just set him a challenge and he'll do it.
OK, says commandant, you have three tasks:
--You got to smash this huge boulder into gravel with a hand hammer;
--You got to break the arm of a gorilla we got in a cage here;
--You got to get buggered by a sailor we're keeping in the brig.
OK, says the little guy, I accept.

He goes out back and takes his little hammer to the huge boulder, and, within three hours, it's just a pile of gravel. Then he goes into the gorilla cage. There's about twenty minutes of howling and screaming. Then the little guy emerges, bloody and disheveled, and says, "OK, where's this sailor whose arm I'm supposed to break?"

Good one, TB!!