MORTAL KOMBAT (1995) - *1/2

FINISH HIM!!!

You young kids who grew up in the Epoch of Playstation and X-Box just don't understand how big of a fucking deal MORTAL KOMBAT was back in the day. It wasn't the first arcade fighting game, for hell STREET FIGHTER II came out earlier and was pretty popular too, but creators Ed Boon and John Tobias decided to push the envelope in digital violence. The problem is, many parents and politicians thought it shredded the envelope.

Instead of defeating an opponent by knock out or whatever sillyness, you can kill him or her with the right combination activate a Fatality, and...well, it's called a Fatality for a reason. Now you tots may look at these 16-bit deaths, subdued compared to contemporary video game gore, and laugh. But this shit for us was hardcore insane, and light-years ahead of anyone else. So much that overnight, FIGHTER II became synonymous with lame, or it did for me. Remember when many silly authorities tried to get GRAND THEFT AUTO III banned? Well those same jerks earlier in 1992 tried the same with KOMBAT and it's homicidal cousin DOOM (which came out a year later), enough that the video game industry tapped out and created the ESRB rating system so to shut them up.

Sequels quickly followed, and I tell ya that's the biggest thing I miss about the Video Game Arcades. You and your friends would find out KOMBAT and its sequels from either Nintendo Power magazine or Electronic Games Monthly, wait months for that giant-ass arcade console to be hauled to your local Arcade, and then everyone literally everyone would take a crack at it, see who can be the first to beat the machine, metaphorically from victory or literally due to resentment from futility. Then when the Sega or Super Nintendo version goes on sale, we all buy it and likewise afflict similar abuse to ourselves over utterly meaningless bragging rights. Of course this was before on-line play, so thankfully you didn't have to endure some stupid jackass ruining your little party, nor commit any post-mordem humpings on you like QUAKE.

Anyway boys and girls, MORTAL KOMBAT was so popular, the movie adaptation was inevitable, and we were hyped up for it in summer 1995. KOMBAT was such hot shit, that the film was a big box-office hit in spite of the fact that it was absolutely terrible, and even the techno-theme song went platinum. It also launched the Hollywood career of director Paul W.S. Anderson. That's right, the same asshole hack auteur who later shot such turds like ALIEN VS. PREDATOR, RESIDENT EVIL, and the recent DEATH RACE, all either based on video games, or scripted like them. So basically, it's my generations fault that you kids had to suffer A.V.P.

Sorry.

Some well-meaning people out there insist that KOMBAT is the best video game-adapted movie ever, but that's complete bullshit. It's not just bad for that genre, which itself has not one single quality work, but just individually horrible horrible horrible! Yes I know it's sequel MORTAL KOMBAT ANNIHILATION is remarkably even worse, but that's like excusing the Khmer Rouge because the Nazis had a higher body count.

What strikes me immediately in watching this again, for a would-be martial arts action extravaganza, all the fights in KOMBAT are all incredibly...dull. How the fuck can you make a movie brawl with super-powered jumping and kicking all over the place boring, much less all of them in the same movie? This was before THE MATRIX and THE BOURNE IDENTITY, when we expected our movie stars to be credible action heroes, so you get lots of awkward Steven Seagal-esque close-up shots and body doubles. But at least in many Seagal pictures, you had fun watching him kicking ass. Not here with KOMBAT.

That stems from KOMBAT not having a nonsensical story worth spit, for that script is a glorified quota of producers trying to appease fanboys. Sure KOMBAT wouldn't be Oscar-winning material, but there was good trash pulpy storylines to mine from the KOMBAT games themselves. I mean why would any would-be intergalactic Emperor agree to a truce where he has to win ten straight tournaments before being allowed to conquer Earth? Why not just two? Is he that lazy? There is many plot holes I really want to drill, but there's too many of them, and they're giving me a headache. Worse I

The KOMBAT crew could have been inspired by the Bruce Lee classic ENTER THE DRAGON, and infact the basic plot follows DRAGON. But at least the filmmakers behind DRAGON were slick in producing an economical screenplay to give enough plot without getting in the way of action, and those Lee-choreographed fights were great. For example, DRAGON had three principal heroes in Lee/Saxon/Kelly brought together to a MacGuffin-island tournament for different reasons, but ultimately they together end up defeating the villain. Each were fleshed out and dynamic with unique individual scenes to make us care about those archetypes, and all those actors were adequete for the job.

With KOMBAT, the opposite is true. We simply just have way too many characters, all underdeveloped and I just don't give a shit about any of them. It doesn't help that most of them are casted with bad actors who display some cringing thespian work, poor even for the martial arts genre.The biggest offender methinks is the one playing the sole-female Sonya Blade. Supposedly that character is supposed to be a special forces soldier trained in the fighting arts, but notice that that actresses' major fight how pale and flabby her physique is.

Plus, her part in general is written not as a tough soldier but as a prissy bitch who seems more at home at the Nail Salon than the Firing Range. I mean Jesus they don't never even come close for her to be a credible warrior, which would wrongly insinuate that they tried in the first place. We viewers also suffer as we get scene after scene of comedic interplay between her and egotistical Hollywood action star Johnny Cage, who's a bigger whiney bitch and annoying than Jean Claude Van Damme (his alleged inspiration) ever was. I mean remember that YouTube video of Van Damme accidentally poping a boner on live television? That at least was funny, so he stomps his parody's teeth in as far as I'm concerned.



Fun Hollywood trivia for you, but that Sonya player got that part after the original actress dropped out due to a wrist injury. Cameron Diaz. Yeah she would have absolutely sucked too.

The only good thing in KOMBAT I guess is Christopher Lambert, if out of default because that casting wasn't a complete failure. As lightning god Raiden, he just hams the fuck out of the movie as he chews the scenery to new heights, annoying at times but at least I was sorta engaged with KOMBAT when he was on-screen. His odd foreign accent, giving off an unhuman vibe, worked for HIGHLANDER and for the same goals here. I mean trust me, all things considered with Lambert here, we're lucky that he's here and not in another HIGHLANDER sequel instead.

Alright fuck this movie, let's instead talk about the original classic video game. My favorite character was Cage (he wasn't a pussy in the game), and my favorite fatality that I only pulled off once (by accident) was when I uppercut my buddy off a stone ramp, and onto the pit of spikes. Also, I loved that Cage's special trademark move was the nut punch, which I wanted to do to this movie.

But I can someday to Anderson when I meet him on the street.