THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR (2008) - **

With due respect to Maria Bello, who is a proven quality actress (and we men will never forget her beaver shot in A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE), but I recognized also while watching the third MUMMY entry how much Rachel Weisz is missed here. Just maybe Weisz's tendency to perform hyperbolic in these pictures seemed in line with the blunt stark nature of such blockbuster pulp action trash, because to my great shock Bello is surprisingly boring here. Perhaps it's that give a great character, and not a paper-thin archetype, Bello can soar as an actress, while Weisz is watchable no matter what (CONSTANTINE anyone?), I just don't know.

What is known is that she reportedly passed on returning for THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR because of "problems with the script." Considering that she left alot of money on the table, and she had previously agreed to a crappy screenplay like THE MUMMY RETURNS, that's a pretty damning ominous sign if you ask me.

Anyway, just look at the stuff in this movie: Stone zombie mummies, flying dragons fighting an fighter plane, fireworks used as weapons during a car chase, Yeti throwing henchmen around like ragdolls, displays of martial arts, gunfire, and fistfighting in the midst of two Dead armies numbering in the thousands waging war. This is the ridiculous juvenile masculine power-tripping shit you know me for gladly eating up with a grin, and I should have fun with TOMB, right?

Wrong

You know how you're sitting in a theatre, there is a moment when you realize that thereafter either a movie is good or bad? Well that spot came for me for TOMB during the prologue when I noticed, that like the PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN trilogy and the recent INDIANA JONES adventure, that these filmmakers are really overcomplicating the fuck out of this incredibly simple story to set up both Jet Li and Michelle Yeoh. Hey Hollywood, this action story shit aint rocket science. Either trim it down and then "reveal" more later in plotting or don't even bother. Worse is when the voice-over narration was everything the most obvious stuff from the affair to what exactly the Five Elements like we're retarded. Look, I know the demographics for such movies like TOMB are most likely lesser in the intelligence department compared to say THERE WILL BE BLOOD, but this is goddamn ridiculous.

The second stamp of doom though was the comedy. To quote the great Mike T. Nelson of MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATRE 3000, there is nothing worse than an unfunny comedy. I haven't seen such lame attempts at popcorn humor since TRANSFORMERS last year. You could hear a pin drop in my theatre during the "silly" shenanigans at the manor between Bello and Brendan Fraser. If anything, its amazing how Fraser's goofy braun charisma is just completely muted here which brings me bad memories of when Christopher Reeve was stuck with SUPERMAN IV: THE QUEST FOR PEACE. Yet as desperate as the repeated "music record abruptly interrupted" gag and Yak vomiting is, they fail in comparison to the lowpoint of getting a laugh when a Yeti kicks a Chinese guy over the uprights of the mountain temple entrance, and his buddy indicates goal!

Oh for fuck's sake.

I gotta say, there is one kinda cool thing about TOMB, which is that Li the mummy is trapped in clay and each time he moves his face, that mask breaks and promptly burns itself a new coat. Hell, a creative shot is when he throws a broken piece as a weapon. Later, he gains the power to transform into bizarre creatures, like a three-headed dragon, so what does Li do when he finally duels Fraser? Neither. This is a villain that deserved to lose, not because he's evil, but because he's just simply dumb.

I think I simply gave up on hopefully having some form of fun with TOMB when during intense heavy FX sequences, my mind was distracted by plot holes the size of Texas. Before some of you go off on me for being hypocritical, consider this: There are two types of plot holes: those your brain can give half-ass wisdom and movie logic to explain the gaps, and those that you can't. For instance, you have a ninja woman who assaults the spectacularly bland Luke Ford at the Tomb, persumingly to stop Ford from opening the coffin and resurrecting Li from the dead, right? Alright, she's chased off by bullets, but later she's revealed to be immortal, and she knows it.

OK, so why the hell did you run in the first place?!? You could have stopped whitey from unleashing the apocalypse, and saved some people alot of trouble. I hate to say this, but to quote NATURAL BORN KILLERS, you're just "a stupid bitch." Sorry babe, but common sense and martial arts just aren't a good mix for you. I just don't see what Ford sees in you...or at least I wouldn't if I actually gave a shit about that romantic sub-plot. Speaking of which, anyone else notice how Ford's character went from being an annoying spunky English-tongue brat in RETURNS to a whiney emo-bitch with an American accent?

I guess I could go on about during the finale why a drawn & quartered guy returns with his corpse intact or why I'm still tired of the movies having the modern concept of freedom being uttered by ancient peoples, but instead I'll note that I briefly grinned when Yeoh and Li duked it out. Both Hong Kong martial arts cinema legends are now in their late 40s, but it was nice as a fan from back in the high school video store days to see them reteam after TAI CHI MASTER (aka TWIN WARRIORS.)

The sad thing is, TOMB is actually sort of what I had in mind when Rob Cohen signed on as director. Yeah I hated the hell out of VAN HELSING, displeased with RETURNS and keep forgetting DEEP RISING like probably the rest of you, but I have to give Stephen Sommers credit on THE MUMMY. That one was an expensive trashy idiotic matinee movie, but it was a good expensive trashy matinee movie that was more a fluke than intentional. My point is, Sommers has a anomaly of decency within his otherwise mediocre-ass career, which I can't say for Mr. Cohen. I won't go on a IMDB.com-esque detailed ranting to ascertain why Cohen is a Hack Auteur, but just consider that this is his third lousy Universal Studios-basked film with DRAGON in the title(!) in the last 15 years.

Or ponder how much one screws the pooch when JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH is a superior Fraser vehicle and that you have actually made some folks almost nostalgic for THE MUMMY RETURNS.

Almost.