Hey guys, check out this beauty - it's a Hewlett-Packard DFR323 Super-Charged Cootie Detector with the optional Virus Killer attachment. Let's see if it works.

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM (sound of machine surveying the room).

EH EH EH EH EH EH EH EH EH (sound of machine indicating that "something" was found).

Peeling off the print out to see what was found.

[*] Detected Food Separation Cooties - indicates phobic fear of mixing mashed potatoes and vegetables together.

[*] Detected Smoked Venison Meat Cooties - indicates deer meat farts left behind. Also detected were strange canned pasta indications; unable to decipher.

[*] Detected "Twilight Zone" Music Cooties - subspecies Texan accented.

Guys, I think we had three intruders in here.