THE REPLACEMENTS (2000) - **1/2

Making fun of Keanu Reeves' acting skills, or the lack of them, is as old hat as mocking George W. Bush's dumbness, Bubba Clinton the whoremonger, and O.J. Simpson's murders. Thing is, I'm going to disagree and say that he isn't a bad actor.

No I'm not saying that he's good per say, since I haven't forgotten BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA. But the guy seems competent as a presence in certain roles, which usually seem to be for action slammers and chick flicks, and since THE REPLACEMENTS is sort of a mix of both, he's workable here. Besides, the dude cut a big chunk out of his salary to get Gene Hackman booked for this flick, which apparently he did as well for Al Pacino with THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE, so that's cool of him.

The players of a professional American Football league goes on strike during the middle of the season, and team owners replace the field ranks with "replacement" players. The Washington Sentinels wants former head coach Hackman to coach these scabs...and he agrees only if he coaches the players he wants.

If you haven't guessed it already, THE REPLACEMENTS is basically the NFL version of MAJOR LEAGUE, where has-beens and never-beens team up, blue collar misfits making use of their one real chance at glory, jam their thumbs in the eyes of the rich snobs.... and hilarity ensues.

So yeah you have the goofy gimmick players from the speedy convenient store working wide receiver (Orlando Jones), the psychotic linebacker that was previously a SWAT guy (future IRON MAN director Jon Favreau), the Hip-Hop bodyguards-turned-Offensive Linemen, the foul mouth Welsh kicker (Rhys Ifans) and a former college quarterback star (Reeves) who now scraps barnacles off boats.

Yet while REPLACEMENTS constructs the MAJOR LEAGUE blueprints to a T, it simply lacks the magic.

I think the immediate problem is that with the villains being the striking players, I just don't buy it. NFL players don't have guaranteed contracts, and only thing they're assured is their signing bonuses. Hell, the NFL players union is notoriously patsy to the NFL owners, and in fact their last strike was back in 1987, which not only was a spectacular failure, but also was the basis for this movie, for Head Coach Joe Gibbs of the Washington Redskins not only went 3-0 in those "replacement" games, but won the Super Bowl that same season.

My point is, sports fans would be more likely to buy pro baseball or basketball players, who have secured payments whatever they suck or not, being the baddies.

Hell, a better gang of bad guys would have been the New York Knicks. The NBA's highest payroll (about $130 million) and owner of the league's worst record, imagine the outcry from Manhattan if those expensive bums went into the picket lines. Too bad they fired their sexual harassing and fantastically awful Head Coach/General Manager Isiah Thomas. He would have been great as the top evil.

Anyway, do you really see NFL stars like Tom Brady and Brian Urlacher physically protesting stadiums in the flesh? I don't. The same when in THE REPLACEMENTS, the striking Washington players confront the title characters in a bar, and a brawl ensues. If anything, I would imagine it more likely that such pampered guys hire thugs to beat these scabs out of commission, or risk a serious lawsuit.

Then there is my problem with REPLACEMENTS using fake teams instead of real NFL clubs. Either Warner Bros. were too cheap to buy the license, or NFL refused to sell, but after several games when the people of Washington D.C. fully get behind these replacements...something about it just doesn't work for me. There is just something about using real teams that would make that whole fan-franchise connection a lot more credible.

I mean, look at MAJOR LEAGUE with the Cleveland Indians, who were what, basement dwellers for decades, and the city was in decay. But once that team-not-supposed-to-win actually start to win, the fans come back, and the area is revitalized with joy and optimism. I mean, the New Orleans Saints' success in the 2007 season didn't fix all the problems still lingering in that city after Katrina, but gave them something to be excited about.

That said, I'm not saying THE REPLACEMENTS is a bad movie. I laughed at the cheerleaders recruited from the local strip club, Ifans smoking a cigarette out in the field, Favreau beating the hell out of Reeves, and Jones early in the movie running full-sprint after a customer, just to retrieve a shoplifted Twinkie.

The romance subplot between Reeves and the head cheerleader didn't waste my time, though I groaned when Reeves goes all Emo when the striking Washington star Quarterback tries to make a play for her. Whatever.

I won't recommend this movie for you to check out, but if you happen to catch it on television while on vacation, suffering from a hangover, or in prison, you might find yourself watching a term which I created for Taylor Hackford's RAY.....a well-made average movie.