A dumb guy walks into a pizzeria, he says "gimme a large pie." The counter man says, "would like that cut into 6 pieces or 12." The dumb guy says "you better make it 12, I'm hungry today."

Love it!!!!

Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to call the Oval Office.

"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.

"Who is this?''

Very good (and very corny) Colletti! Poultry in Motion.

DC, also a good one!!


TIS

That was good Don, I am sure you have more let's have them!

Did you hear about the Polish Admiral that wanted to be buried at sea?

Five sailors died while digging his grave.

Good joke. But does Poland have a Navy?

Can you take another blonde joke?


Subject: Blonde goes shopping


A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She
tells the Salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of
pink curtains."

The salesman assures her that they have a large
selection of Pink curtains. He shows her several
patterns, but the blondes seems to have a hard time
choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The
salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds
very Small - what room are they for?"
The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room,
but they Are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But miss, computers
do not Need curtains!"
The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got
Windoooooows!"


TIS

I'm full of it tonight (jokes that is)

PICTURE ON THE NIGHT STAND

After a long night of making love, Thomas R. notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."


TIS

Oh, TIS, that IS a good one!!

Fairy Tale:

One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who
did not whine, nag, or bitch........
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But this was a long time ago.....

and it was just ONE day.

The End

Those "once upon a time fairy tales" are NEVER true!!

....because it really was more than ONE day -- right? It was really two days

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.


With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.


Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.




So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.


The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."


The man dated the first daughter.

The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.


"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."


The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.


The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.


"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."


The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.


The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."


So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was
the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.


"Well," explained the Redneck...

"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...

pregnant when you met her."

Good one Mig!!!




TIS

WAY TO FUNNY Mig!!!

Anyone heard this one?

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.
He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts: Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food! The panda yells back: Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!
The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: (A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.)

* groan *

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible
to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.


That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was
positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,
"Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

Thanks Af's for sending me this.

The perfect Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. She's dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy T-shirt with holes in it and wearing flip-flops exposing her crackedand filthy toenails.

When she yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed,
crooked teeth with more than a few missing.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no theyain't! The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why thehell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"

"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe someone wouldhave had sex with you twice."

I think you'll like this. I do!!


A MOTHER'S WORRIES

[color:#000099]An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her
period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A
mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good Morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,'You try again.'




TIS

This may be the biggest joke in this thread.... he's also the least funny one.

What's the difference between a zoo in New York and a zoo in Alabama?

Both zoos have the information about the animals on a plaque outside the cages, but in Alabama there's also a recipe.

The man tells his doctor that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past 7 months. The physician tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.

When the wife comes to office, the doctor asks her why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband any more.

"For the last 7 months," the wife replies, "every morning I take a cab to work. I don't make much money and my husband doesn't give more than bus fare, so the cab driver always asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' I always give him an 'or what'. That makes me late to work I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to dock your salary, or what?' That's another 'or what.' On the way home, I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' And, again, I do an 'or what'. So you see, Doctor, when I get home I'm all tired out and I don't want sex any more."

The doctor thinks for a second. "So," he says, "are we going to tell your husband or what?"

What happens when you play a country song backwards?

You get your truck back, you get your dog back, you get your wife back, and you're not drunk anymore.

Young woman falls in love with a young, fundamentalist man who spends all his time reading the Bible and is scraping by to go to divinity school. He wants the gal's father's permission to marry his daughter. So he comes over one night, and has a heart-to-heart talk with his prospective father in law:
"How do you intend to put a roof over my daughter's head?" asks Dad. "God will provide," replies the young man.
"And when children come along, how will you provide for them?" asks Dad. "God will provide," the young man replies.
"What about sickness? Can you afford to pay doctor and hospital bills," Dad persists. "God will provide," the young man says again.

After about an hour of this, the young man leaves. Mom asks Dad how it went. "Well, it's the old bad news/good news routine," Dad answers. The bad news is that the kid doesn't have a penny, or a clue."
"And the good news?" Mom asks.
"The good news is that he thinks I'm God."

Ha ha ha That's hilarious!!!



TIS