This spring training is so young, the Detroit pitchers have barely had time enough to blow their first bunt coverage. But already there has been unrest in the camp of the pinstripes, which is not exactly the Bronx Zoo yet but seems to be installing a few cages. And since there are few things in sport more entertaining than a good Yankee controversy — what with the New York media foaming at its minicams and printing presses — where can we apply to get updates?
The central theme of this new mini-series, of course, is how the left side of the infield is getting along. But there are subplots, too. So in case you have been out of touch, wandering the jungle or stuck on a JetBlue flight, here's your Yankee soap opera summary.
(Starring, in order of appearance, Alex Rodriguez, Derek Jeter, Gary Sheffield, Joe Torre, Bernie Williams, Brian Cashman, George Steinbrenner, Steve Swindal, Willie Randolph, Carlos Delgado and Bill Clinton).
Alex still likes Derek.
Derek still likes Alex.
But Alex said he and Derek aren't best pals the way they used to be. Which, presumably, means no more sleepovers, ordering pizza, talking about girls or making S'mores together. One theory is this happened because Alex got tired of being asked all the time if he wanted to see Derek's collection of World Series rings. But maybe not.
Anyway, Derek said it was no big deal and he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. Neither does Alex, who seems as relieved to get this off his chest as a guy walking out of a confession booth.
So now the Yankees have gone back to getting ready for the season. I thought they were in the market for more pitching, but it turns out they apparently could also use new best buddies for Alex and Derek.
Whether any of this should matter when it comes time for a couple of 30-something guys to produce in the ninth inning against the Red Sox is not clear. But wouldn't we all feel better if Alex and Derek were chums again? That way, when they go out to dinner, they'd only need one limo.
There's more. Gary's not a Yankee anymore, but he's still mad that Joe benched him for a playoff game against the Tigers. That's what Gary told the New York Post. Joe made him feel bad, sending him out there before the game to be with the rest of the spare tires. Gary doesn't do spare tires very well.
Meanwhile, Bernie doesn't feel very good, either. He seems to think the Yankees don't want him anymore. That's because Brian won't give Bernie the contract he wants. Joe says he thinks Bernie's feelings have been hurt. Of course, Joe came close to being sent out himself with last season's laundry.
No word from George, or even his publicist, about whether he wants Alex to like Derek or Derek to like Alex, or how he feels about losing Gary and maybe Bernie. Or even if he's mad at Steve, his son-in-law and partner, who had to be bailed out of jail the other morning after allegedly driving the streets of Florida with too much of a liquor store in his blood stream.
What George might be worried about is how good Willie and Carlos and all the other guys are looking over at the Mets' camp. Since George knows, like the rest of us, that the last time the Yankees won a championship, the president of the United States was named Bill.
That was so long ago, Alex and Derek were close enough to share the same bubble gum. Now what they share mostly is an infield, and headlines.
