They've been credited with ruining baseball, but have no direct affiliation with Bud Selig, Scott Boras, Victor Conte or Chris Berman.
They're the alleged architects of a lopsided playing field, but have failed to win the World Series since Al Gore finally realized he no longer had a shot at the White House. Their players are believed to be self-absorbed, but have been the focus of fewer egomaniacal publishing efforts than fans of the Boston Red Sox.
So, back in the crosshairs by popular demand, we now tip our caps to the New York Yankees.
Yeah, even though we can't seem to live with 'em or get away with settin' 'em on fire, the Yankees remain crucial to the success of Major League Baseball.
Sure, you may have had it up to your eyeballs with the Yankees, but MLB would be in lousy shape if Selig — finally sick of a little prosperity — decided to contract George Steinbrenner's team.
Let's begin this celebration of the Yankees' existence by thanking them for goosing an otherwise lackluster trading-deadline countdown. In case you were busy paying attention to the Washington National's clumsy auction of Alfonso Soriano, the Yankees were able to pry Bobby Abreu — and his mighty contract — from the Philadelphia Phillies.
Yankees GM Brian Cashman surrendered an allegedly-pedestrian prospect list (that failed to include hotshot pitcher Phillip Hughes) in exchange for Abreu and pitcher Cory Lidle.
According to critics who expect a lot from a multi-millionaire, Abreu quite possibly is even more overrated than Paris Hilton. When the trade was made, "Sock it to 'Em" Bobby wasn't exactly providing much sock, ranking 107th among National League hitters in slugging percentage.
But the pro-Bobby crowd reminds us that Abreu leads the league in pitches seen per plate appearance, and has an on-base percentage even greater than that of Gomer Pyle.
So, while we'll have to wait and see how much Abreu adds to the Yankee offense, Yankee-haters will crow about how baseball is ruined when Steinbrenner adds to his payroll.
Instead of whining about the Yankees, I prefer giving them credit for becoming a landfill where teams can dump salary. This means that while George pays even more for less than a California homeowner, other teams can use their savings to purchase productive players or build the farm system.
For the record, Steinbrenner began this season with a payroll of $208 million and change, which is almost more scoots than the payrolls of the other four AL East teams — including the pricey Red Sox — combined.
This less-than-thrifty approach enables other MLB teams to receive a financial windfall from the Yankees in the form of luxury-tax loot. Several third-world AL teams can use this money to pay for players or pocket it and pretend it doesn't exist.
Yankees fans should be saluted for adding much-needed controversy to the lull that generally trots right behind the All-Star Game. Instead of wringing our hands over the New York Mets losing home-field advantage for the World Series, Yanks backers created E-Ticket intrigue surrounding defending AL Most Valuable Player Alex Rodriguez.
When A-Rod's arm suddenly became as inaccurate and controversial as that of ex-New Yorker Kerry Collins, Yankees pulled out a brilliant approach to assist their third baseman: boo the heck out of him.
Please note that — considering his level of productivity and good-guy image — booing Rodriguez seems as intellectually bankrupt as heckling the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes guy because your jackpot has been immediately downsized by taxes.
The booing — which included razzing in Canada (Eh-Rod?) by traveling Yankees fans — reportedly led to a Rodriguez intervention. This intervention produced a celebrity list that included diet and brain guru Dr. Phil, Yankees teammate Derek Jeter, ESPN smoke alarm Steven A. Smith and Fox Network philosopher Homer Simpson. It went something like this:
A-Rod: I apologize for you guys having to come here and intervention me.
Dr. Phil: Get real! We're being paid to be here.
Homer: Less talking, more little hot dogs in barbecue sauce.
Smith: You're getting' paid? That's terrible. I'm in the wind. You with me, Derek?
Jeter: I have nothing to say.
Homer: OK, let's bottom-line this thing. Alex, if you don't expect anything, you won't be disappointed.
An obvious reason for celebrating the Yankees' existence is their status as a team that millions of baseball fans love to hate. This hating, as suggested previously, often involves Yankee fans. But most of the bad karma is generated by out-of-town baseball followers who loathe New York's successful history, Steinbrenner's payroll blitzkrieg or the team's connection with the big, bad Apple itself.
This hate, if used in moderation, is fine. According to dozens of armchair psychiatrists, Americans need something to hate; this cultural phenomenon may explain the popularity of Michael Moore, Ann Coulter, Mike Tyson and Taylor Hicks' Ford commercial.
Additional Yankee love should be offered in tribute to their ability to cast a large shadow.
For example, in addition to Steinbrenner's aforementioned financial contributions to baseball, the Yankees are a huge gate attraction on the road. This is explained by both the established hatred and the scores of New Yorkers who fled the city to live in smaller-market cities.
The large Yankee shadow is quite prominent in Boston, where the rivalry has enabled many frosty fans to forget how mediocre the Celtics have become. Boston fans also use this desire to get over on New York as a method of keeping Sox management on its toes.
The Yankee shadow is big enough to — nationally, at least — obscure a relatively terrific season from the New York Mets, and almost obliterate the St. Louis Cardinals' whiff during the 2004 World Series.
Another fine Yankee trait is their ability to invent controversy. The latest example involves the Abreu trade, which could — if injuries heal as expected — create an outfield logjam. Among the potential returnees is right fielder Gary Sheffield, who still has one of baseball's quickest bats and fastest mood swings.
It has been reported that Sheffield — a former shortstop and third baseman who has tested positive for EGO — may be asked to spend a little quality time at first base. At this stage of his career, asking this guy to charge home plate during a sacrifice-bunt situation may require a legal negotiation.
With so many things to be thankful for, it's time to identify the most important Yankee contribution.
I'm partial to their providing evidence that even though George may be able to buy the World Series, his actors will retain the potential to ignore the script.
