WAR of the SCRIPTS, part I
(The very next day, Michael, Fredo, Mamas A&C, Vincent, Johnny Fontaine, Apollonia, and Tom Hagen are gathered in the kitchen.)
MICHAEL. I have called this meeting so that we might finally be able to end this war between the families...
NERI. Uh... boss... that was last week's meeting.
MAMA A. Leave the poor boy alone, he's young and stupid.
MICHAEL. Oh, shut up! (takes some pills) I have called this meeting to begin work on my movie, which will be infinitely better than the pathetic drivel Roth and his men will produce!
FREDO. YAY! (holds up a sign that reads: Michael Is 100 Times Cooler Than Roth)
MICHAEL. That is not going to make me forgive you, Fredo.
FREDO. It was worth trying...
VINCENT. Hey, Uncle Fredo, haven't seen you in a while. How ya doin'?
FREDO. Oh, I'm doin' good. How you doin'?
VINCENT. Doin' good. How ya doin'?
HAGEN. Dang, not this again.
MAMA C. Have some pasta, Vincent.
VINCENT. Thanks, Mama!
MICHAEL, TOM, and FREDO. She's OUR Mama! Not yours!
HAGEN. Technically, you're the weird miracle baby of Lucy and our dead brother, Sonny. I don't think we'll ever know how Dr. Jules managed that.
MICHAEL. You know... since it's physically impossible for you to exist... Maybe I should...
VINCENT. (sinking back into a dark corner) Sorry... Please, don't hurt me.
MICHAEL. Now, something occurred to me last night while I was lamenting my existence... Roth is going to create some kind of epic Mafia movie.
HAGEN. Yes. We can create a much better Mafia epic!
MICHAEL. That is not the point, Tom!
HAGEN. Why do you wanna hurt me like that, Mike?
MICHAEL. Look, if you're going to be difficult, you can take your wife, and all the girls in the house that you've been messing around with, and leave!
HAGEN. We can't leave, remember?
FREDO. You could go live in the boathouse. That's what I did.
FONTAINE. He made you live in the boat house? But that places floods and it's infested with bugs and rodents.
MICHAEL. Fredo felt right at home.
FREDO. Hey!
MICHAEL. Now, what occurred to me is that the movie-going public does not want great Mafia epics.
VINCENT. They don't?
MICHAEL. No.
HAGEN. What do they want then?
MICHAEL. Romantic Comedies.
EVERYONE ELSE. Romantic comedies????!!!
MICHAEL. Yes, romantic comedies... the whole boy gets girl, corny sex jokes, bad dialog deal...
HAGEN. Are you sure about that, Mike?
MICHAEL. Have I ever been wrong?
(everyone looks at him funny)
MICHAEL. About this kind of thing?
(they keep looking)
MICHAEL. Okay, fine! Fredo, what did you think of "Bridget Jones’ Diary"?
FREDO. Oh, that. Yeah, that was funny!
HAGEN. I'm still not sure I like this idea.
MICHAEL. Tom, you'll be playing the guy. Apollonia will be playing the girl.
HAGEN. Well... that's different then.
APOLLONIA. Bella, bella, bella, bella! (Translation: He's bald and not Italian. Please, NOOOOOO!)
VINCENT. How come I don't get to be the guy.
MICHAEL. Because I don't like you.
FREDO. You don't like anyone.
MICHAEL. And Fredo, you're playing the guy's drunk friend.
FREDO. Does this mean I get to... drink?
MICHAEL. Yes.
FREDO. WOOHOO! Count me in!
FONTAINE. What we gonna call this romantic comedy?
MICHAEL. I was thinking something like... "Romance of the Sadistic Lawyer."
VINCENT. Lame!
MICHAEL. You come up with the title then!
VINCENT. Okay... Uh...
FREDO. Banana Daiquiri!
ALL. Banana Daiquiri?
FREDO. Yeah...
MICHAEL. I never thought I'd say this, but... Fredo, that's brilliant.
