Best thing on television at the moment by far, i also saw this earlier:

1. If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
2. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
3. Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
4. If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
5. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
6. When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
7. Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
8. Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
9. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
10. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
11. If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef.
12. Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
13. Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
14. Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
15. Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
16. Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
17. Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.
18. Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
19. Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
20. If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.
21. Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
22. Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
23. When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
24. If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.
25. Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.
26. When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".
27. Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
28. Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
29. Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
30. When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
31. Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
32. Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.
33. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
34. If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
35. Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
36. In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the fuck have you done with your life?
37. Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
38. There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.
39. When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
40. Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.
41. Jack Bauer uses #1 pencils on standardized tests.... Jack Bauer doesn't associate with anything that is #2.
42. Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
43. Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.
44. When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
45. Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris were stuck in a room together once... After 3 minutes, Chuck Norris left crying without a scratch on him.
46. You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
47. Jack Bauer once won a game of rock paper scissors using niether rock, paper nor scissors.
48. Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
49. Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.
50. In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
51. Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.
52. Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.
53. It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*", there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."
54. Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
55. If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
56. Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
57. If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.
58. If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
59. What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.
60. During the 18 months Jack Bauer was believed dead, CTU saved over $1 billion on ammunition.