this isn't really a joke but this seems like the right place to put it in. the guy's response to the department is the good part


Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality
that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced
parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or
contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet
stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this
type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits
have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation
of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,
being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws,
annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed
during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.
We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this
location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood
and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall
be completed no later than January 31, 2003.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a
follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply
with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this
case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel
free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price District Representative
Land and Water Management Division


** This is the actual response sent back: **


Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N;
R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price:
Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am
the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and
maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they
would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials
"debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their
dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there
is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their
dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their
dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a
dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against
my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this
State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of
Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam
permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of
Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and environmental
Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to
324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is ... aren't the beavers entitled to legal
representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to
pay for said representation, so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a
recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which
the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond
Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers,
but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam
letter ... they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized
dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water
flows downstream.

They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department
of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect
the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more
elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003?

The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for
you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality
(health) problem in the area. It is the bears!

Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting
the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the
beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on
your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Thank You,
Ryan DeVries &The Dam Beavers