Grade School in Sicily... - Vito, a little Sicilian boy, came home from elementary school one afternoon very upset. With tears in his eyes, the boy explained to his father that, "Papa, everyday in class the other kids make fun of me. I don't understand why, but they constantly call me a little mafioso."
Upon seeing his son so upset and hearing why, the Sicilian father consoled his boy, "Don't worry Vito, your papa will go to that school tomorrow and straighten it all out for you, ok? Now go wash your hands and get ready for dinner, it's time to eat."
Little Vito looked up at his father, gave a little smile and then said, "Thank you papa. But please, just make it look like an accident, ok?" -
The other day I went to visit my doctor/dietician, Dr. Ubatz, because I've been having an extremely hard time losing weight. When I went into his office, he asked me, "What's wrong?
So I said, "Doctor Ubatz, I'm gonna level with you here. Although I've been trying, I can't seem to burn off a single ounce. Tell me, Whats the best way to burn 1000 calories a day?"
Doctor Ubatz thought for a moment, and then replied, "You wanna burn a 1000 calories? That's easy. Just leave the pizza in the oven too long!"
Notwithstanding the seriousness of the current situation in the Middle East, or maybe because of it, ButtonGuys felt a little lightheartedness might be some good medicine... -
What did the son say to his father when he lost his suitcase in the airport on their way to Iraq in the Middle East? He said, "Where's the Baghdad?"
Q: Why do melons typically get married in formal wedding ceremonies and afterwards have big receptions with all their melon relatives and friends present?
Once upon a time, an older Catholic priest, and a pretty young nun straight out of the convent, went on a mission trip high up in the mountains when suddenly a major snowstorm hit the area.
They were walking through horrible blizzard conditions when they finally spotted an abandoned log cabin. So they went inside to take refuge.
After shaking the snow off of them, the priest found some dry wood and started up a fire in the fireplace to warm them up a bit. He also discovered a few blankets and a sleeping bag in a closet...but only one bed.
The priest told the nun that she could sleep on the bed and he would sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag.
They were all alone and it was pitch black out. But after awhile they both began to get more comfortable and settled in a bit...when suddenly the young nun suddenly called out in a soft sing-song voice, "Father?"
The priest replied back, "Yes, sister, what is it?"
"I'm cold" replied the nun.
So the priest dutifully got up, went to the closet, got an extra blanket and covered the nun with it.
As he settled back down into his sleeping bag, not fifteen minutes later she called out again, "Father? I'm still cold."
So the priest once again got up and got another thick blanket from the closet and then draped it over the nun, tucking her in tightly and snuggly as she smiled at him softly.
He then slipped back into his sleeping bag. But just and he was getting settled in and comfortable again, with the fire now crackling, she whispered out to him once again, "Oh my goodness, I'm still so very cold."
Upon hearing this he commented, "Sister, let's face it, we are all alone out here, in this cabin, deep in the mountains, am I right?"
"Yes...we are Father," whispered the pretty young nun.
The priest then continued, "Now, I'm gonna ask you something, ok? If you promise that it would be alright with you?"
"Yes, Father...yes!" exclaimed the nun.
"So, I was thinking, just for this one evening," asked the priest.
"Yes, yes?, replied the nun.
"For just tonight. Would you like to pretend that we are married?" inquired the priest.
"Oh, yes, yes, I would, very much so!" Exclaimed the young nun.
Good...then get up and get your own dang blanket!"
A cruise ship sinks and the only survivors are a dentist and a super model. They manage to swim to shore on an isolated island. As time goes by,they start to do what comes naturally. One day a crate full of men's clothing washes up on the beach. The dentist suggests that since it'll probably be a while until they are rescued,that they play a little game. He convinces the model to put on a suit,hat,and wingtips. After a week or so,he asks her if he can draw a mustache on her "just for fun". She agrees and about a week later,he says,just for fun,can I call you Bob? This strikes her as a little weird,but she figures,well we've been here for a while,and he's been pretty nice,so she says "sure". One day he says, hey Bob, you'll never believe who I've been screwing!
A cruise ship sinks and the only survivors are a dentist and a super model. They manage to swim to shore on an isolated island. As time goes by,they start to do what comes naturally. One day a crate full of men's clothing washes up on the beach. The dentist suggests that since it'll probably be a while until they are rescued,that they play a little game. He convinces the model to put on a suit,hat,and wingtips. After a week or so,he asks her if he can draw a mustache on her "just for fun". She agrees and about a week later,he says,just for fun,can I call you Bob? This strikes her as a little weird,but she figures,well we've been here for a while,and he's been pretty nice,so she says "sure". One day he says, hey Bob, you'll never believe who I've been screwing!
News stations this evening are reporting that there's been a complete government ban placed on all telecommunications coming out of the Middle East...It's called the teleban.
FIVE DEADLY TERMS USED BY A WOMAN...(a woman's dictionary) - 1) FINE - This is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she is right and you need to stop talking.
2) NOTHING - Means something and you should be worried.
3) GO AHEAD - Do NOT confuse this with permission! It's a dare and don't even think about it.
4) WHATEVER - A woman's way of calling you an idiot.
5) THAT'S OK - She is thinking long and hard on how and when you will pay for your mistake.
Bonus Word: WOW! - This is not a compliment. She is just amazed that one person could be so clueless.
