My dad went to our local Peppers outlet store today, and he bought me this hot sauce called "Da' Bomb Ground Zero." Here's the inscription:

This sauce is the hottest on Earth. Pure habanero pepper enhanced with habanero infused flavor create a sauce measured at 234,000 Scoville units. Wicked beyond belief.

I put the very tip of a toothpick into it and tasted it. Lit my whole mouth on fire.

"Growing up my dad was like 'You have a great last name, Galifianakis. Galifianakis...begins with a gal...and ends with a kiss...' I'm like that's great dad, can we get it changed to 'Galifianafuck' please?" -- Zach Galifianakis