guys, ever since i moved out and bought my own place my mom has been making me feel incredibly guilty for leaving her. she called me last night and i ended up crying and telling her I couldnt talk to her. Aside from the whole cultural thing, me moving out has been a huge step for me, but I feel like its getting harder and harder for me to deal with my decision. WHY CANT PARENTS JUST BE SUPPORTIVE? I feel like a disapointment when im 20 years old with a great paying job and condo, on my way to greatness, but mom is not happy with me, so it just puts a gigantic damper on my spirit. Anybody know what I mean?

PP

Well, I don't know. She should be happy for you making your way in the world.

My mother made me feel terribly guilty when I got my first apartment. I didn't know what to do. Her feeling was that a woman was supposed to live home until she got married. I, too, was doing well in my job and was very proud to be able to afford a nice place.

Just remember to be true to yourself. You are doing very well. I'm sure it is a cultural difference, or perhaps just a parent's concern for you. As a mother, I can tell you that it is very difficult to let go, because you are so afraid for your children.

Just keep telling yourself that you are doing the right thing, in spite of any other concerns. If you're mother tries to make you feel guilty, refuse to give in to it. Tell her that you will not indulge in that conversation. Tell her respectfully, but firmly. And once you have done so, change the subject.

You may want to make a standing date to have dinner with her. It helped a lot when I did that. I used to have dinner at my parents' house every Wednesday night. It was something to look forward to, and it made us all happy. Or try to do a ladies afternoon of shopping and lunch once a month, just you and your mother.

Her biggest fear may be that she thinks you are going to move on and forget her. Showing that you still want to her to be involved with your life may go a long way.

Good luck, and hang in there. We moms may not always do the smartest things, but we do them out of love.

Are you the first of your siblings to leave the house? Is she now all alone? That could explain her (over-) reaction - but there's no reason to feel quilty about it -- you're doing the absolute normal thing. You're an adult who's starting her own path in life. I'm sure she's quite supportive, just overwhelmed; she'll get over it soon enough. Just be sure to keep in touch, and visit often in the beginning. But at the same time, don't hesitate to live your own life either. You are no a dissapointment -- just the opposite!!! You've probably accomplished more than most 20 year olds -- probably more than a lot of 30 year olds! For that, I congratulate you!! Support her, tell her you love her, but don't compromise your life/career to make someone else happy. You are the one who needs to make yourself happy.

Hi. I know what you mean. Don't feel so bad, most all parents are like that. I'm 27 and my mom is constantly calling me, she's hot on my trail everywhere I go. She wants me to visit her everyday. My brother gave me property next to his about four years ago, then I bought my own trailer and stuff so my boyfriend and I would finally have our own place instead of living with friends and in the car (I even used to sneak him into my old room at mom's. Ha!) After I finally ended my eight year long relationship with my exboyfriend (he was very abusive) my mom is constantly calling me to spend time with her and help her out. She'll find some type of reason to get me up there and also makes me feel incredibly guilty when I don't want to. It's to the point that I'm never home and wonder why I even have a trailer? The thing is you can't let yourself feel guilty about it. Allow yourself to feel that way only for a moment and then forget it if you can. Push it out of your mind. That's what I do and it works to a certain extent.

thanks, G, you're awesome. and SB, you have it right on the mark. I am the first child , the eldest (have one younger brother who is the next Jimi Hendrix, I swear), and of course the first to move out. It is a cultural thing, the fact that I'm not married yet and all that. she just very badly wants me to admit to ONE specific reason for why I left. I cant think of anything besides, I wanted a change, etc. Plus I have a boyfriend, and he's not from where i'm from and if she found THAT out, she would LOSE it. My pop is a little more forgiving, actually he's really cool. Of course he doesnt know either, but thats not THE reason I moved out. OH- and financially- I was a big help. Even though my pop works hard, (my mom would beg to differ)- I guess it's a big chunk of money I've taken away that's making it difficult. But I'm trying to be better so I can do well and help my family like I really want to. Hopefully with an education and a great job. I'm not trying to abandon them.

I had a similar reaction from my mother when I moved out on my own in (gulp)...1981. Not only the eldest child and first to leave the nest, but also within our big Italian family...the first female among some 25 cousins to leave home without having gotten married first!!!

Needless to say I apparently caused quite a scandal at the ripe old age of 23!!

Anyway, my mother freaked and wouldn't even say goodbye, I always figured she couldn't bear to watch me walk out the door with suitcase in hand.

She never tried to make me feel guilty about it after that, though. In fact it was ME who called her every single day for at least the first month, just to say hi and let her know I was still alive. Eventually, she got over it, got used to it and was fine. She may have cried herself to sleep nights, but I didn't ask, will never know and it wasn't my problem anyway.

So pacino princess, you are letting your mom upset you and you have to get into your head that this is HER problem and she cannot make it yours. Personal situation (boyfriend) has nothing even to do with it; even if she knew, it's even LESS her business than your moving out. You did the right thing for yourself by getting out on your own.

Speaking as someone with a 41 year old brother and 45 year old sister who have NEVER been completely on their own without some kind of financial support or sharing of housing with our parents....trust me, I know!!

This is all new and may take a while. But you'll get through it fine !!

Apple