So much serious talk lately. let's have a bit of fun!! It'll be fun to see how far we can go with this. Ever heard of those contest where they award a prize for the worst story or song title? Well, let's see how bad we can make this! A joint effort here at bad writing! Feel free to include those who post on here by name or "mysteriously".

It had been 3 days since the voices in his head had stopped talking to him! Sure, there were times in the past when they had been quiet, but never for this long. He was starting to become worried now. All of a sudden a knock on the door jolted him out of his deep thoughts. "This is the San Franciso PD Uztopoke............"

......"The San Francisco PD?" Uztopoke asks himself quietly. "Shit. I thought I was in Houston."
Nevertheless, he arose from the dingy couch, stretched his back, and walked to the door. Opening it, he saw two figures side by side. One was tall and black, with a gray trenchcoat and a tophat. The other was a small Greek man, complete with a nose like a zucchini and breath that reeked of anchovies.
"What can I do for the San Francisco PD today, gentlemen?" Uztopoke asks.
The men look at each other in dismay. Uztopoke scratches his forehead and squeezes his lip. The black man in the trenchcoat peers at Uztopoke with an air of great skepticism and veiled fright.
"We don't want anything, sir," the black cop says.
"No, we don't want anything at all. You called us," the little Greek cop adds...........

Who, it crosses Uztopokes mind, bears an uncanny resemblance to Dustin Hoffman. At this moment one of Uztopoke's alternate personalties, Hatchet Hank, suddenly emerges. The change in Uztopokes countenance is so sudden and dramatic that both officers become frozen with fear. Unbeknownst to the officers "Hatchet Hank" has been responsible for the murders of.......

...Uztopoke's own fiance and her lover of 5 and one half months.....

cutting short her promising and well paying career as Hollywood's most popular Domanatrix....

"Something wrong Officers?" Utz/Hatchet asked. Utzopoke was a wide man with rotund open eyes. There was something reassuring about the comfortable mound of his stomach, the way one shirt tail was not fully tucked in and that his fly was not zipped up all the way.

But, being SFPD they were used to seeing oddly dressed people. "Mr Uztopoke, Sir, we really need to know why you called us out here this evening." Trying to control himself, Hatchet Hank answered, " I want to report suspcious behavior in my next door neighbors, Apt. #10..............

At that moment, the cops begin to enter the apartment. Uztopoke, still confused about how he arrived in Frisco, allows the cops to pass by.
Suddenly, the black cop, named Rerun, shoots a glance over to his partner. The Greek partner, Bizzach, knows exactly why Rerun looks perplexed.
A stale, heavy scent of rotting flesh permeates the apartment. Uztopoke, still in a stupor as he combats his nemesis, hatchet hank, pays them little attention. The cops walk toward the bathroom.
There, in the tub, Bizzach and Rerun see the ossified corpse of Oprah Winfrey.
"Good God!" Bizzach exclaims. "That's why no new shows have been playing!".....

After Uztopoke had been placed under arrest he was escorted out of his Apt. by rookie officer Cletus Mistersixer. While in the process of escorting Uztopoke down to the patrol car to be taken to Headquarters for questioning, out in the street shots suddenly ring out and while Officer Cletus Mistersixer instinctively dives for cover, trying to use Uztopoke as a human shield, Uztopoke manages to escape and flee to the cover of Castro Street's gay bar scene where he............

....meets partner in crime, Turi Giuliano.
"Turi, you should come t mexico with me," Uztopoke says.
"Are there good gay bars south of the border?" Turi asks.
"Sure there are...and they are YOUNG down there, too, Turi," Uztopoke explains.
Turi takes the last sip of his Ovaltine and rum, winks at the bartender, pays the tab and swiftly follows Uztopoke out of the bar.....

and climb into Turi's lavender 1978 Pacer. While Turi is busy driving, Uztopoke begins to search thru Turi's CD's looking for some good music to listen to. Suddenly over the radio comes a Police Bulletin..............

"Attention: all points bulletin: SFPD ISO white male, 6'2", 200 lbs., last seen wearing khaki pants and a 1981 Marshall Tucker Band tour t-shirt, no shoes, outside gay men's pub. Wanted on 187 of 287 pound media star. Approach with caution."

Uz breathed a quick sigh of relief as he looked at Turi and noticed he had not even been paying attention to the radio broadcast. Turi, lost in his own thoughts of Mexico and the luscious young men in the bars there decided to make a quick stop at this adult book store he knew well.
Uz was unhappy at this change of plans but decided to accompany Turi in to the store. Inside the store, the owner, a vicious former Hells Angels biker mama named the Scarlett Harlot......

Uztopoke, overjoyed by seeing the mama, hops the counter and embraces the washed-out lush whore.
"I haven't seen you since Sturgis in '99," Scarlett says.
"Yes, that was quite a time. Did those sores ever clear up?"
"No, they're still there," Uzi. "Say, want me to close early and we can take a spin on the old Shovelhead I bought?"
Uztopoke weighs his options. He looks over in the corner, and Turi is looking at a skin mag, kissing his own arm and rubbing his pee-pee. Scarlett is holding her plump tits for Uzi to see.
Never one to abandon a friend, he runs over to Turi, gives him a quick hand job, and returns to Scarlett. The roard of an old hog rumbles away....

.......unfortuately for Uz, in his haste to leave the bookstore with Scarlett, failed to notice Scarlett's old man, Pete the Pig, Sergeant at Arms for the Oakland Chapter of the Hell's Angels pulling up out front right behind him.
Pete the Pig, his murderous jealous fury rising by the second takes off after Uz and Scarlett vowing to get "Midevil on their asses" as soon as he catches them. Heading south on Interstate 5 towards L.A uz suddenly looks in his mirror and notices that Pete the PIg is.............

....singing show tunes. Is it possible that the giant Sergeant-At-Arms is a Liza fan? Can't be, Uzi thinks.
However, noticing the impending danger, Uzi leaps from Scarlett's bike and awaits the estranged man's ride to pass by. As it passes, Uzi turns into Batman and shoots a long steel line out of his wrist. It encapsulates the biker and his Harley. Uzi then transforms back into himself and proceeds to set the steel wire/biker cluster-fuck on fire and run toward Arizona....

...where he stumbles across a bikini-clad and lucious La Dolce Vitaski at a swanky spa in Scottsdale. He finds he cant resist her after all and slurps a shot of jaegermeister out of her navel noticing she sure licks her lips alot....

Spying on all this is La Dolce's husband Richard Gere, world renown manufacturer of snow globes.......

After knocking boots (or sandals) with Vitaski, Uztopoke smeels the Liberal sweat of husband Richard Gere behind the bushes. He creeps around the spahouse with a large cactus, sneaks behind Gere, and bludgeons him to submission, then pokes his tight Hollywood rear.

recharded for the journey south, Uztopoke has a quick iced tea, kisses Vitaski's inner thigh, and sprints off...

Making it as far as the bus station where he buys a ticket on the first bus heading out.
Climbing into the comfortable air conditioned bus, UZ takes a seat in the back. As the other passengers start to board Uz is surprised by a familiar face, it is..........

...Snake Russell, an amnesiac, missing in action for over a month, trying to make his way back to Memphis...

figuring it is better to turn himself in over that silly underage minor incident rather than see his profile shown again this Saturday on "America's Most Wanted."
Snake, finally noticing Uz sitting at the back of the bus immediately sits down in the seat next to him and breaks out a...........

...copy of his latest poem.

Funny, Snake Russell was not your typical bohemian poet -with his large puppy dog eyes, handsome rugged exterior and confident swagger - he looked more like the Marlboro Man from the billboards.. Since he was no stranger to life on the road, he decided to share his latest work with the scruffy, anxious stranger with the haunted eyes.

When he finished the poem, Uztopoke had tears in his eyes as he said to Snake.......

...."Snake, my God man, what did they do to you back in the Memphis jail? You went in hardcore and come out a freakin poet?" Upon hearing this Snake bursts into tears and replies, "Uz, I want to help you get in touch with your feminine side, just like I have, I have never felt so alive!"
Becoming frightened Uz decides to move to anothr seat for the remainder of his journey. The only empty one on the bus is next to some Goth kid made up like Marilyn Manson. As Uz takes the seat the kid looks up at him and Uz notices that........

...this kid reminded him alot of his pal Turi (with alot less makeup, of course) whom he had left behind at the bookstore.

"That seemed an eternity ago", Uztopoke mused.

Not one to give a hand job and run, Uztopoke vowed he would go back and find his friend no matter how troublesome it was. In some strange way he needed Turi, like the crops need rain; like the flowers need sunshine; like cops need doughnuts.

Destitute and hungry, he decided to get off the bus in Tucumcari and head west back to Cali pronto.

The first thing he saw as he disembarked that Greyhound was.....

.....Tucumcari Police Officer Omar Suarez taping up wanted pictures of him on the wall outside of the Bus Station. Spotting each other at the same moment Uz takes off running. With Officer Suarez in close pursuit Uz heads straight for the seedy, run down section of downtown Tucumcari.
Although he is horribly out of shape Uz manages to outrun the more out of shape Officer Suarez. Hardly believing his good luck in escaping police custody for the 2nd time in as many days Uz walks in to the nearest bar for a celebratory drink.
Not until walking into the bar does he realize he has made the mistake of entering Tucumcari's notorious private Swinger's Club "Saladbar's", oowned and operated by former madam and Mob girlfriend........

...Saldbar Kowalsky, wife of the head of the R.I.U.S(Russians and Italians United by Slaughter). She is attending the local patrons. Saladbar was a very intelligent woman, with brown eyes with the color of chocolate---a beverage Uztopoke needed urgently--- and black hair. To Uztopoke, she bore an striking appearence with Natalie Wood.
"Uztopoke! How are ya, ol' rascal" She yelled effusively. A disastrous thing to do: the bar was filled with mobsters, hitmen and bounty hunters searching for Uzi.
"Why, you must be Uztopoke Jones," Said the head of the hunters---Giorgio Luigi Gambino---a Mexican with an Italian name.
Uztopoke frowned. He had to move fast. Gambino was the best hunter of the west!
"You passed on my jurisdiction in Arizona! You poot a foot on Mexico and I'll send you blasting to Yankee Land!" He then called four of his buddies: Anthony Lombardy, Michael Corleone 14, The Irishman and El Capo de La Cosa Nostra. Uztopoke, feeling surrounded, put his hand on his coat, ready to take his gun: a big...

....chuckle escaped his lips when he realized that his gun was no longer there. The pieces of the puzzle started falling into place. His gal Turi must have lifted his gun when Uztopoke's hands were otherwise occupied pleasuring the poor boy.

Uztopoke had to think fast. With Omar and company hot on his heels, there was only one thing to do.....

High tail it to Texas! Where they picked up two bad son's o bitches named Pancho and Lefty. Pancho offered them a room at a run down hotel just North of Del Rio, no A.C and TexMex prostitutes grabbing at their gringo dollars. After all of this fiasco Uztopoke needed a few days of rest and relaxation so good ol' Pancho took him to Corpus to do a little fishing and drinking.

When they finally showed up in their 69' Chevy they pulled into a bar called the Yellow Cactus Saloon, they were talking to these to ladies named Sugar and Spice. These women were looking for some action so they decided to.........

... buy the girls some drinks. Uz thought Sugar and Spice were great girls, they enjoyed a few games of pool and darts with UZ and Pancho and then UZ suggested maybe the girls would like to go someplace a little more private where they could get to know one another better. While leaving the Saloon Uz and Lefty were oblivious to the stares and snickers of the other patrons as they headed out. The massive and musclebound bartender Don Corpuzzi, doubled over in a fit of laughter says to the customer on his right, "You know Turnbull, you're one of the old timers around here have you, in all your years, seen any two biggers morons in your life than those two who just left with Sugar and Spice?" Turnbull replies, "No, Don, I have to say those two were about the worst. Boy, aren't those boys going to be surprised at the end of the evening? I think they've got themselves a little something more than they've bargained for!"
Back at the motel room things are going just as Uz and Pancho had hoped........