Well I saw Tim Burton's DARK SHADOWS, starring his BFF Johnny Depp and of course based off the cult TV Show. But I'm gravely disapointed to tell you all that it bites. A few laughs*, but a mostly a stiff narrative that bones me by how overall tone deaf the movie was in mixing the thrills with laughs. Was this really the same guy who made BEETLEJUICE? The vampire was too good at sucking, because this movie sucks!

(OK I promise, no more bad puns. I swear it on my sole.)

Remember my rant above? If AVENGERS thankfully had little plot but overfilled with storytelling, DARK SHADOWS unfortunately had little storytelling and overfilled with plotting, coffin up subplot after subplot (enough to occupy a whole franchise) with very little payoff. This is one of those movies which tells us that character A hates or loves character B, instead of showing us why and investing the audience enough to sorta give a shit what happens to whom.

I mean it starts out promising enough, interestingly just like the TV show did: Mysterious woman on a train heading to an ominous mansion owned by a family dynasty on the decline. But once Depp shows up, the movie completely loses focus and really the scripts panics by throwing ideas in quiet desperation. Which is unfortunate because in retrospect, all the elements wrecklessly and cheaply tossed out there (which the movie pathetically tries to unsatisfatory tie up together) maybe could've been nailed down into a coherent, engaging, entertaining, (and simplified) plot. This indeed could've been a decent movie that some folks maybe were expecting from the ads.

You know what this movie really reminds me of? COWBOYS & ALIENS. That one also had a bigass budget, a good cast, a summer release date, lots of pricey SFX, a respectable director at the helm. And like DARK SHADOWS, technically it wasn't a "bad" movie but it's something worse for me: An offensively lazy mediocre picture. At least with real turkeys, you can laugh at them in retrospect like a Nostalgia Critic video or whatever. You don't get that luxuy with these sort of misfires.

The other day, Cracked.com had an article about artists who need to take a break and Tim Burton was ranked. And I have to agree with them. Burton in the past has made movies I've enjoyed whether BATMAN RETURNS or EDWARD SCISSORHANDS or A NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS (which he produced/co-wrote) and so forth, but now he's stuck like way too many pop star legends who produce work derivative of their greatest hits, but with diminishing artistic returns. In that regard, Burton is alot like a former associate of his in Prince.

You know what I'm talking about with Burton's "greatest hits," and DARK SHADOWS is full of it: Dark gloomy goth-friendly aesthetics that rape and plunder German Expressionism, misfit protagonists (usually monsters) who don't relate well with or tolerated by the normal conservative society, Danny Elfman soundtrack, lots of SFX and CGI, Depp covered in enough pancake makeup to be confused for Queen Elizabeth I, his mate Helena Bonham Carter always in the cast, even Christopher Lee gets a part once he gets stirred up from his tomb.

Easily the worst Depp/Burton collaborated production yet. (Yes, even worse than CHARLIE & THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY. Let that fact sink in.)

*=I'll admit it, I laughed at the hippie scene. But for some reason it's funnier when I think of how Seth McFarlane would've written that sketch. Vampire smokes pot, gets stoned, gets the munchies...

Hell I'm surprised the movie didn't make more of a point where Depp is trying to quit sucking blood by going to an AA meeting. "Hello, I'm Barnabas Collins and I'm here because I have a drinking problem." NYUCK NYUCK!