What did the boy lizard say to the girl lizard?

Iguana tap it, but I have a reptile dysfunction.

Joke: what do you call all the worlds lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?


A: a good thing


Some might consider this a fact, I'm on the fence it could be both!

Gorbachev, Thatcher, and Reagan walk into a bar. Gorbachev shrieks in horror, seeing that he's accompanied by walking corpses.

Probably sounds better in German!

East, you are more funnier when not telling a joke. I´m sure all lawyers agree.

I'm sorry you don't find me funny Hairy! However I have "reliable" sources that say I'm funny.

Don´t get me wrong, you ARE funny. Just don´t tell any jokes. Be yourself!

You can convince someone that a lemon is an orange.
It's still an orange.

THIS IS DEFINITION OF TACT

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.
The waitress, thinking this was quite risqué behaviour that might offend other diners, went over to the table and tactfully, began by saying to the woman , "Pardon me, madam, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He actually just walked in the door."

McDonalds has introduced a new treat. They take a dill pickle, wrap it in dough, put it on a stick and deep fry it.
It is marketed as the "McDildo"

After being married for 49 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife ..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said,"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot".

She smiled happily and said ..."Oh, that's so lovely - but what about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"




The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

Lizards actually screw when stuck to a wall. My brother was down in costa rica last month and took a picture of it

Hi, It's really nice to read your all jokes and they are very funny , I think these stuff have very important in our life because it's help us to laugh and laughing is the very important because it's decrease our stress and worries and many thing more.

An angry man walked into a busy bar, pulled out a .44 six shot revolver and fired one shot into the ceiling.

'I don't want a m*****f***** to move!!!", he yelled.
"Which one of you b******s has been ****** my wife!!!???"

The bar grew silent. Finally, someone yelled from the back, "You're gonna need a higher capacity magazine, buddy!!"

Ha ha ha ha!!



TIS

Shamus asked Paddy how he got his black eye.
"You'd never believe it," said Paddy, "but I got it in church."
He said he had been sitting behind a fat lady and when they stood for a hymn, he noticed her dress was creased into the cheeks of her arse.
"All I did was lean forward and pull it out and she turned around and hit me." Said Paddy.
A week later Shamus was surprised to see Paddy had another black eye.
"I got this one in church, too," explained Paddy.
He said he found himself behind the same fat woman and when they stood for a hymn her dress was once again creased into the cheeks of her arse.
"My little nephew reached forward and pulled it out. But I knew she didn't like that, so I leaned over and tucked it right back in ."

Thanks for this but are you realy from South Boston? The moment i see "arse" in a post i instantly think, British. If i'm wrong i apogize. But you accidentaly type British words like Immamobguy, and you have the same avatar as the banned account Immamobguy made after being banned.

No I'm from East Boston ,the other side of the tunnel. My family is Irish American and used the term arse quite often as in "In a Pig's arse". I come from a large family of Irish Boston cops. Eastie was once an Irish haven before it was known for being mostly Italian . Now it is mostly Latino. As far as Imamobguy's avatar, who gives a Rat's ass. I chose the rat bastard because my Grand Father arrested him once. I like the irony. Oh and by the way at one time everybody from here was British . We had a war . We threw tea overboard kicked their ass and sent them packing. Because we won we got to pick and choose which sayings and terminology we wanted to keep. Arse was the winner.

An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie

A guy moves into a really old house, and while rummaging through the basement he finds an oil lamp, which he rubs. uddenly a genie comes out of the lamp and tells him he can have one wish. The guy thinks for a minute and he says, "I always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I am afraid to fly and I don't want to take a boat. Can you build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive? The Genie thnks for a minute and says, "A bridge to Hawaii? Do you have any idea what that would inolve? Permits, Engineering and architectural accomplishments beyond anything known. A way that the bridge does not interefere with shipping lanes and is environmentally sound. Millions of pilings, incredibly labor intensive....I just dont know. Please ask for something else. The guy ponders this for a minute and then he says, "OK then, instead, I wish to understand women." The Genie stares at him for a moment and says "One lane or two?"

George Zimmerman took a test to become a police officer. To see if he was qualified a cop sat him down and showed him a picture of a suspect for 5 secons and then put it face down on the table.
Cop - Ok, describe the suspect.
Zimmerman - Thats easy he only has one eye.
Cop - You idiot, that was a profile shot. Now take another look (shows him photo for another 5 seconds)
Zimmerman - This is a no brainer. He only has one ear.
Cop - It's a PROFILE, whats wrong with you?
Zimmerman - Please give me one more chance.
Cop - OK, (shows it again and puts it face down)
Zimmerman - He is wearing contact lenses.
Cop - Thats an amazing deduction. Let me check the file. (He checks and comes back into the room) He does wear contact lenses. How did you figure that out?
Zimmerman - Easy. How could a guy with one eye and one ear wear glasses?

Even though it's technically a funny joke, I don't see the need to transfer the over-heated discussion of the other threads into this one where we're supposed to have fun, no matter who posts a joke.

Damn, that joke is old, I swear my father told that to me when I was a kid! Sounds like it came from those old funny papers or the New York he would read!

Here is another old joke for you, since we are pulling them out of years gone by!

Before there was Dirty Johnny there was Little Harry



A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I ...think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

Who's on first?
What?

I also have a joke for all of you

Three women sit in a beauty parlor talking about their husbands. The first woman says, "Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn't there!"

"I know!" the next woman says, "Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house, but when I called he wasn't there."

The third woman says, "I always know where my husband is."

"Impossible!" both women exclaim, "He has you completely fooled!"

"Oh no," says the woman. "I'm a widow."

Hope you like this......

Ha ha ha Good one Arina and welcome to the BB.





TIS