HOW TO HANDLE A HUSBAND

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches
in Montego Bay , Jamaica .

Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple'

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their
long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in
America ,' explained the man.

'We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona , and took
a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse.
We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled
and she almost fell off.

My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.'

We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my
wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time
my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the
poor animal like that, are you *%&#@$ crazy!?'

She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.'

And from that moment..... we have lived happily every after.'


TIS

Retiree Bathtub Test -

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not a retiree should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the retiree and ask him or her to empty the bathtub"

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

A chap is fed up with the stress and rigours of modern life, so he decides to join a Tibetan monastery to get away from it all. The head monk agrees to let him stay so long as he works and observes the vow of silence. In fact he is only allowed to say 2 words every five years!

So for 5 years the man works the fields,chops wood,tends cattle and sleeps in a little cell with a moldy old, holy blanket. After 5 years the head monk comes to him and says he can have his 2 words and the chap says "More blankets!"

Another 5 years of hard work later and he is allowed another 2 words. "More food!" he says this time.

5 years on again and the head monk comes to him again . "I'm leaving" he says this time.

"Thank God for that", says the monk, "you have done nothing but complain the whole time you have been here!"

Husband and wife talking.

"How many women have you had apart from me?" she asks.

"Fourteen" he says.

"So that makes me your 15th?"

"Naw love", he says "you were the seventh!"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson laying in bed one day resting. Suddenly Sherlock leaps up, runs into the kitchen and comes back with a jar of lemon curd which he promptly starts to smear all over Watsons backside and asshole!!!

"Good heavens above" cries Watson "what the dickens are you up to Holmes old boy?"

"Lemon entry my dear Watson", says Holmes, "lemon entry!"

I posted this in the YouTube thread also, but felt it may be appropriate here, as well!

It is a question that has plagued music professionals for generations (actually, only about 41 years). Just what the hell is Joe Cocker saying during his Woodstock performance? Well, ladies and gentlemen, someone who speaks Cockernese (or Cocker Spaniel, one of the two) has FINALLY translated it. Here is the fully translated Woodstock performance of "With a Little Help From My Friends." Enjoy!

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat and says "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my trousers and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here honey, try these on.' So, she did and said 'Well dear they're a little too big, I can't wear them'. So I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will'. Ever since that night we have never had any problems. "Hmmm," says Jack.

So, on his honeymoon Jack takes off his trousers and says to Jill, 'Here babe, try these on'. So she does and says,"These are too large, they don't fit me." So Jack says, "Exactly. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that." Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "Here, you try on mine." So he does and says, "I can't even get into your pants." So Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your damn attitude, you never will".

Good one Don Marco


TIS

What do you call a rabbi with heartburn?

An acidic Jew.

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy..'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Young bearded stranger turns. Rabbi goes, "Don't touch me, I'm on total disability."

I'm an atheist. I don't believe in Oprah.

And I'm a dyslexic atheist.

I don't believe in Dog.


Signor V.

Q. When's the only time you hear "Jesus Christ" in a Unitarian church?

A. When the custodian trips over the stepladder.

A dyslexic walks into a bra....

DAM - Mothers Against Dyslexia

Guy is playing golf in Ireland. He hits a ball into the rough, which lands on Leprachaun's head. When the man finds the leprachaun he tends to him, and is so apolgetic and kind, the leprachaun wants to repay him, so he tells him good things will be happening to him within a year. Then the leprachaun does a secret incantation and wishes that the man become a great golfer, make lots of money and have the best sex in the world. A year later the same man is plying the same course, and the leprachaun sees him. He approaches the man and he asks, "So tell me how is your golf game?" "Amazing, the man replies. I am now playing on the professional tour, and within the past yrar I have already won two majors.' "And about money?" The man replies he is making money hand over fist, and has so much he doesnt know what to do with it all. Then the leprachaun asks him about his sex life, and the man says, "Its ok, I get sex once or twice a week." The leprachaun frowns and says, "thats not so great, I thought you'd be doing better than that." Then the man says, "Well, its not so bad considering that I am the parish priest."

Two hardened New Yorkers sit down in a Lower East Side restaurant. The waiter asks for their order. "A glass of tea," the first guy says. "For me, too," the second guy says. "And make sure the glass is clean."

Waiter returns with two teas. He asks: "Who wanted the clean glass?"

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.' Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you!I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give
you one heck of a headache.'

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!! That's hysterical!





TIS

Vinny,

That was very funny.



TIS

Vinny,

That was quite funny! I never knew it had been made into a "cartoon." That story (and variations of it) has been going around for many years - actually, I might have an old greeting card with it somewhere in a drawer. I remember that version had to do with green peas:

"I told the waiter I wanna peas onna my plate. The waiter said, 'You better not-a pees onna you plate, you sonnomabeetch!"

It's a classic.

Signor V.

Where to Retire.

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park three blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open the oven door.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there, rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The four seasons are: fire, flood, mud, and drought.

You can live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature".
4. You think that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can live in Maine where...
1. You have only four spices: salt, pepper, Ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over Parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can live in the deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

You could live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $4,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the Mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition, "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

Or you can live in Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind....even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

Hmmm... Lilo, some of those things mentioned in those lists seemed vaguely familiar. Then it hit me: Here is something my sister-in-law sent my wife almost ten years ago. (My wife was from Michigan; born and raised in Battle Creek, but spent a lot of time in Houghton Lake.)

Signor V.

**********************************

Michiganders

1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.

2. "Vacation" means going up north past Grand Rapids for the weekend.

3. You measure distance in hours.

4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.

5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.

6. Your whole family wears hushpuppies and blue and gold shirts to church on Sunday, and they yell "Go Blue!" at the end of every prayer.

7. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.

8. You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.

9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

10. You think of the major food groups as Beer, Fish, and Venison.

11. You carry jumper cables in your car, and your girlfriend knows how to use them.

I thought I remembered that there was more, and there was: My wife received this from her sister eight years ago. I won't comment any further.

Signor V.

************************************

You Might Be A Michigan Redneck If...


1. You define Summer as three months of bad sledding.

2. You think Alkaline batteries were named for a Tigers outfielder.

3. You can identify an Ohio accent.

4. Your idea of a seven-course meal is a six pack and a bucket of smelt.

5. Owning a Japanese car is a hanging offense in your hometown.

6. You know how to play (and pronounce) Euchre.

7. The Big Mac is something that you drive across.

8. You believe that "down south" means Toledo.

9. You bake with soda and drink pop.

10. You drive 86 mph on the highway and pass on the right.

11. You've been to a Little League game that was snowed out.

12. You learned how to drive a boat before you learned how to ride a bike.

13. You know how to pronounce "Mackinac."

14. The word "thumb" has a geographical rather than an anatomical significance.

15. You have experienced sunburn and frostbite in the same week.

16. You expect Vernor's when you order a ginger ale.

17. You not only know Kalamazoo exists, but that it isn't far from Hell.

18. Your favorite holidays are Christmas, Thanksgiving, Opening Day and Devil's Night.

19. Your snowmobile, lawn mower and fishing boat all have Chevy big block engines.

20. At least one person in your family disowns you for the week of the Michigan/Michigan State Game.

21. Your year has two seasons: Winter and Road Construction.

22. You know what a millage is.

23. Traveling coast to coast means driving from Port Huron to Muskegon.
24. Half the change in your pocket is Canadian, eh.

25. You show people where you grew up by pointing to a spot on your hand.

Those are all true Signor V..

Having been born up in the Great North Woods in Iron Mountain, it is scary how many of those items I can relate to. I would add "pasties" to the major food groups.

Very good SV. I sure can relate to a few myself.



TIS