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Lets Get Some Jokes! #358144
01/21/07 09:20 PM
01/21/07 09:20 PM
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 443
New Jersey
Obsessed With The GodFather Offline OP
Capo
Obsessed With The GodFather  Offline OP
Capo
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 443
New Jersey


A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy right up to the
pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some
cyanide."
>
>The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
>
>The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
>
>The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your
husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us
in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You CAN NOT have
any cyanide!"The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of
her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the
picture and replied, "Well, now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a
prescription.


Johnny Cash & June Carter Cash Fan!
Re: Lets Get Some Jokes! [Re: Obsessed With The GodFather] #358145
01/21/07 09:29 PM
01/21/07 09:29 PM
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 25,984
California
The Italian Stallionette Offline
The Italian Stallionette  Offline

Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 25,984
California
That would be the prescription I'd say. That's hilarious!!!


TIS


"Mankind must put an end to war before war puts an end to mankind. War will exist until that distant day when the conscientious objector enjoys the same reputation and prestige that the warrior does today." JFK

"War is over, if you want it" - John Lennon

Re: Lets Get Some Jokes! [Re: The Italian Stallionette] #358161
01/21/07 09:47 PM
01/21/07 09:47 PM
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 15,018
Texas
O
olivant Offline
olivant  Offline
O

Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 15,018
Texas
Hilarious? Poleeese! More like lame.


"Generosity. That was my first mistake."
"Experience must be our only guide; reason may mislead us."
"Instagram is Twitter for people who can't read."
Re: Lets Get Some Jokes! [Re: olivant] #358163
01/21/07 09:53 PM
01/21/07 09:53 PM
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 17,300
New York
Sicilian Babe Offline
Sicilian Babe  Offline

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 17,300
New York
A elderly woman is wandering around her nursing home. Every time she encounters one of the male residents, she lifts up her dress and says, "Super Sex!!"

She waits expectantly for a reaction, but gets none. She goes to three or four different men, lifts up her dress and says, "Super Sex!!"

Nothing.

Finally, she comes across a new male resident. She lifts up her dress and says, "Super Sex!!"

The gentleman checks out what she's flashing, thinks it over carefully, and replies, "I'll have the soup."


President Emeritus of the Neal Pulcawer Fan Club
Re: Lets Get Some Jokes! [Re: Sicilian Babe] #358199
01/22/07 12:01 AM
01/22/07 12:01 AM
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 2,414
Bar Vitelli, Queens, NY
Signor Vitelli Offline
Underboss
Signor Vitelli  Offline
Underboss
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 2,414
Bar Vitelli, Queens, NY
A man came home early from work one day and found his next-door neighbor in bed with his wife.

Quickly pulling a gun, he marched the naked fellow into the garage where he tightly secured the neighbor's private parts in the vise on the workbench. Still holding the gun to the man's head, he broke the handle off the vise with a crowbar. Putting the gun in his pocket, he then took out a very large hunting knife.

"Hey," yelled the neighbor in panic, "you're not gonna cut it off, are ya?"

"No," said the husband as he placed the knife on the workbench, "you are. I'm torching the garage."

Signor V.


"For me, there's only my wife..."

"Sure I cook with wine - sometimes I even add it to the food!"

"When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies?"

"It was a grass harp... And we listened."

"Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it? Every, every minute?"

"No. Saints and poets, maybe... they do some."


Re: Lets Get Some Jokes! [Re: Sicilian Babe] #358200
01/22/07 12:03 AM
01/22/07 12:03 AM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 11,797
Pennsylvania
klydon1 Offline
klydon1  Offline

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 11,797
Pennsylvania
Very good.

An elderly couple, celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, fly across country and find the diner where they first dined after becoming husband and wife. Entering the establishment, the husband says, "Look, dear, there's the same booth we had 50 years ago."

Sitting down, the wife excitedly says, "The place hasn't changed a bit." And they go on to order the same meals they enjoyed 50 years previously. They even play the same songs on the juke box.

A cop overhearing them reminice, says," Excuse me. I've been listening to you and think it's great that you're reliving your special day. I'm chief of police in this town and if there's anything I can do to make your day special, tell me."

The husband replies, "Actually, my wife and I first made love after our dinner by that very same oak tree by the fence on top of that hill across the street. So if it would be alright-"

"Say no more, my friend. It's no problem. You and the Mrs. go up there by the tree and I'll make sure you're not disturbed," says the cop.

He helps them as they hobble with the use of canes and walkers. After a few minutes, the cop grows curious and takes a peak, only to find the old couple going at it wildly, their bodies flying about with fury, rolling around together with unbelievable speed. His jaw dropped as he had never seen such energetic body contortions for such an extended length of time.

When the couple finally hobbles down the hill with their canes and walkers, the cop says, "I admit I took a peak. You two were amazing. Was it like that 50 years ago?"

"Not quite," says the wife. "Back then the fence wasn't electrified."

Re: Lets Get Some Jokes! [Re: klydon1] #358203
01/22/07 12:15 AM
01/22/07 12:15 AM
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 25,984
California
The Italian Stallionette Offline
The Italian Stallionette  Offline

Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 25,984
California
Ha ha ha!!!!!


TIS


"Mankind must put an end to war before war puts an end to mankind. War will exist until that distant day when the conscientious objector enjoys the same reputation and prestige that the warrior does today." JFK

"War is over, if you want it" - John Lennon

Re: Lets Get Some Jokes! [Re: Obsessed With The GodFather] #358299
01/22/07 03:19 PM
01/22/07 03:19 PM
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 25,984
California
The Italian Stallionette Offline
The Italian Stallionette  Offline

Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 25,984
California

Big 10 Incher

Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one..

"I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."

"I got it from my genie." "You have a genie?" he asked. "Yes, he's right here in my pocket." "Could I see him?"

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.
The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" "Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.

About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?"






TIS


"Mankind must put an end to war before war puts an end to mankind. War will exist until that distant day when the conscientious objector enjoys the same reputation and prestige that the warrior does today." JFK

"War is over, if you want it" - John Lennon

Re: Lets Get Some Jokes! [Re: The Italian Stallionette] #358300
01/22/07 03:26 PM
01/22/07 03:26 PM
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 5,453
California
X
XDCX Offline
XDCX  Offline
X

Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 5,453
California


Here's one I received in my email not so long ago:


Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.


The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.


The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."


Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.


The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.


There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish.


"Growing up my dad was like 'You have a great last name, Galifianakis. Galifianakis...begins with a gal...and ends with a kiss...' I'm like that's great dad, can we get it changed to 'Galifianafuck' please?" -- Zach Galifianakis



Re: Lets Get Some Jokes! [Re: XDCX] #358301
01/22/07 03:31 PM
01/22/07 03:31 PM
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 5,453
California
X
XDCX Offline
XDCX  Offline
X

Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 5,453
California
Here's another:

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he would like to pay for his treatment.

She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother in law.



"Growing up my dad was like 'You have a great last name, Galifianakis. Galifianakis...begins with a gal...and ends with a kiss...' I'm like that's great dad, can we get it changed to 'Galifianafuck' please?" -- Zach Galifianakis



Re: Lets Get Some Jokes! [Re: XDCX] #358302
01/22/07 03:35 PM
01/22/07 03:35 PM
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 25,984
California
The Italian Stallionette Offline
The Italian Stallionette  Offline

Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 25,984
California
Ha ha ha!! Both good ones, but that second one is great!

Here's a "Lawyer" joke"

My Car!

A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed.

A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god man, your left arm is gone!"

The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"


TIS


"Mankind must put an end to war before war puts an end to mankind. War will exist until that distant day when the conscientious objector enjoys the same reputation and prestige that the warrior does today." JFK

"War is over, if you want it" - John Lennon

Re: Lets Get Some Jokes! [Re: The Italian Stallionette] #358307
01/22/07 03:43 PM
01/22/07 03:43 PM
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 19,066
OH, VA, KY
Mignon Offline
Mama Mig
Mignon  Offline
Mama Mig

Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 19,066
OH, VA, KY
A couple age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Doctor, Will you watch us have intercourse?"
The Doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple finished, the Doctor said "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he charged them $10.00.
This happened for several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, and then leave.
Finally the Doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. Holiday Inn charges $22.00, the Hilton charges $27.00, we do it here for $10.00 and I get $8.00 back from Medicare for every visit to the Doctor's office."


Dylan Matthew Moran born 10/30/12


Re: Lets Get Some Jokes! [Re: Mignon] #358336
01/22/07 04:14 PM
01/22/07 04:14 PM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 11,797
Pennsylvania
klydon1 Offline
klydon1  Offline

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 11,797
Pennsylvania
Good ones.

A man wlks into a bar with a crocodile and announces to all the patrons, "I am going to perform a feat so astounding, that if you are truly amazed, you will each by me a drink."

The crowd looked on as he struck the crocodile over the head with a beer bottle. The crocodile immediately opened its mouth whereupon the man dropped his pants, inserted his genitals into the gaping mouth, struck the crocodile on the head again, and the reptile closed its mouth.

The crowd gasped for thirty seconds, after which the man struck it on the head again and the mouth opened. Amid great applause the man was then lavished with drinks from around the bar. After a few drinks he stood up and announced, "I have a 100 dollar bill in my hand and will give it to any patron willing to do my trick!"

The crowd was silent. Finally a young woman stood up and said, "I'll try it...but don't hit me too hard with the bottle."

Re: Lets Get Some Jokes! [Re: klydon1] #358346
01/22/07 05:42 PM
01/22/07 05:42 PM
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 17,300
New York
Sicilian Babe Offline
Sicilian Babe  Offline

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 17,300
New York
What's the difference between a Porsche and a Porcupine?

Porcupines have their pricks on the outside.


President Emeritus of the Neal Pulcawer Fan Club
Re: Lets Get Some Jokes! [Re: Sicilian Babe] #358370
01/22/07 07:31 PM
01/22/07 07:31 PM
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 19,066
OH, VA, KY
Mignon Offline
Mama Mig
Mignon  Offline
Mama Mig

Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 19,066
OH, VA, KY
What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale?
A Northern fairy tale begins, "Once upon a time"
A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit"


Dylan Matthew Moran born 10/30/12


Re: Lets Get Some Jokes! [Re: Mignon] #358536
01/23/07 03:49 PM
01/23/07 03:49 PM
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 8,845
Newcastle-upon-Tyne UK
Yogi Barrabbas Offline
Yogi Barrabbas  Offline

Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 8,845
Newcastle-upon-Tyne UK
My wife said to me "Run upstairs and make love to me"
I said "One or the other dear...i cannot manage both"


I would rather die on my feet than live on my knees!
Re: Lets Get Some Jokes! [Re: Yogi Barrabbas] #359007
01/25/07 09:57 PM
01/25/07 09:57 PM
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 443
New Jersey
Obsessed With The GodFather Offline OP
Capo
Obsessed With The GodFather  Offline OP
Capo
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 443
New Jersey

FLORIDA STATE TROOPER
> >
> >
> > A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
>of
>the
> > dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph,
> > enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
> >
> > "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even
>more.
> > Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him,
>blue
> > lights flashing and siren blaring.
> >
> > He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought,
>"What
>am
> > I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the
> > trooper's arrival.
> >
> > Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked
>at
> > his
> >
> > watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.
>If
>you
> > can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll
>let
>you
> > go."
> >
> > The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with
>a
> > Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
> >
> > "Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
> >
>


Johnny Cash & June Carter Cash Fan!
Re: Lets Get Some Jokes! [Re: Obsessed With The GodFather] #359127
01/26/07 10:10 PM
01/26/07 10:10 PM
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 443
New Jersey
Obsessed With The GodFather Offline OP
Capo
Obsessed With The GodFather  Offline OP
Capo
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 443
New Jersey
Apples and Wine...

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something
acceptable to have dinner with.

Share this with all the good apples you know.


Johnny Cash & June Carter Cash Fan!
Re: Lets Get Some Jokes! [Re: Obsessed With The GodFather] #359208
01/27/07 02:47 PM
01/27/07 02:47 PM
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 5,453
California
X
XDCX Offline
XDCX  Offline
X

Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 5,453
California
Good one!

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other
monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,
not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot
to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in
the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be
continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for
centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark
caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as
archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him
banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R" ! , we
missed the "R" !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...

CELEBRATE!!!


"Growing up my dad was like 'You have a great last name, Galifianakis. Galifianakis...begins with a gal...and ends with a kiss...' I'm like that's great dad, can we get it changed to 'Galifianafuck' please?" -- Zach Galifianakis



Re: Lets Get Some Jokes! [Re: XDCX] #359383
01/28/07 10:01 PM
01/28/07 10:01 PM
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 443
New Jersey
Obsessed With The GodFather Offline OP
Capo
Obsessed With The GodFather  Offline OP
Capo
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 443
New Jersey
FLAT TIRE
> >
> >
> >
> > A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day, so she eases it
> > over onto the shoulder of the road.
> >
> > She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out two
> > cardboard men, unfolds them and
> >
> > stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
> >
> >
> >
> > The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies
> > to
> > approaching drivers... Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and
> > backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.
> >
> >
> >
> > The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled
> > vehicle
> > yelling, "What is going on here?"
> >
> >
> >
> > "My car broke down, Officer," says the woman, calmly.
> >
> >
> >
> > "Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by
> > the road"?!, asks the Officer..
> >
> >
> >
> > "Oh, those are my emergency flashers", she replied.
> >
> >
> >


Johnny Cash & June Carter Cash Fan!
Re: Lets Get Some Jokes! [Re: Obsessed With The GodFather] #359391
01/28/07 10:35 PM
01/28/07 10:35 PM
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 17,300
New York
Sicilian Babe Offline
Sicilian Babe  Offline

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 17,300
New York
A blond walks into an appliance store, walks over to a display, and says to the salesman, "I want to buy that television."

The salesman replies, "I don't sell to blonds." She walks out in a huff.

The next day, the blond returns, goes over to the same display and says to the same salesman, "I want to buy that television."

Again, the salesman tells her that he doesn't do business with blonds, and she again walks out in a huff.

The next day, she dons a black wig and goes back to the store, walks up to the salesman, and says, "I would like to buy that TV."

He says, "I don't do business with blonds."

She says, "I'm wearing a wig. How do you even know I'm a blond?"

He says, "Because that TV you've been trying to buy is a microwave."


President Emeritus of the Neal Pulcawer Fan Club
Re: Lets Get Some Jokes! [Re: Sicilian Babe] #359396
01/28/07 11:13 PM
01/28/07 11:13 PM
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 2,414
Bar Vitelli, Queens, NY
Signor Vitelli Offline
Underboss
Signor Vitelli  Offline
Underboss
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 2,414
Bar Vitelli, Queens, NY
A blonde was walking along a riverbank when she noticed another blonde on the opposite shore, waving at her to attract her attention.

"Excuse me," yelled the blonde in the distance. "How do I get to the other side?"

The first blonde thought for a few moments, then replied, "You are on the other side!"

Signor V.


"For me, there's only my wife..."

"Sure I cook with wine - sometimes I even add it to the food!"

"When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies?"

"It was a grass harp... And we listened."

"Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it? Every, every minute?"

"No. Saints and poets, maybe... they do some."


Re: Lets Get Some Jokes! [Re: Signor Vitelli] #359400
01/28/07 11:27 PM
01/28/07 11:27 PM
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 443
New Jersey
Obsessed With The GodFather Offline OP
Capo
Obsessed With The GodFather  Offline OP
Capo
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 443
New Jersey
SB & SV!
WAY TOO FUNNY!!


Johnny Cash & June Carter Cash Fan!
Re: Lets Get Some Jokes! [Re: Obsessed With The GodFather] #359406
01/29/07 12:47 AM
01/29/07 12:47 AM
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 19,066
OH, VA, KY
Mignon Offline
Mama Mig
Mignon  Offline
Mama Mig

Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 19,066
OH, VA, KY
A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."


Dylan Matthew Moran born 10/30/12


Re: Lets Get Some Jokes! [Re: Mignon] #359742
01/30/07 03:15 PM
01/30/07 03:15 PM
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 5,453
California
X
XDCX Offline
XDCX  Offline
X

Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 5,453
California
All great ones!

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road in upper New York State one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't -- the aged bovine was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his
clothes in disarray.. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you," asked Hillary?

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me!

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm
Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just had an accident and killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."


"Growing up my dad was like 'You have a great last name, Galifianakis. Galifianakis...begins with a gal...and ends with a kiss...' I'm like that's great dad, can we get it changed to 'Galifianafuck' please?" -- Zach Galifianakis



Re: Lets Get Some Jokes! [Re: XDCX] #359748
01/30/07 03:22 PM
01/30/07 03:22 PM
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 17,300
New York
Sicilian Babe Offline
Sicilian Babe  Offline

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 17,300
New York
Good one, X!!


President Emeritus of the Neal Pulcawer Fan Club
Re: Lets Get Some Jokes! [Re: Sicilian Babe] #359840
01/30/07 10:13 PM
01/30/07 10:13 PM
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 443
New Jersey
Obsessed With The GodFather Offline OP
Capo
Obsessed With The GodFather  Offline OP
Capo
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 443
New Jersey

>>Subject: Why I fired my Secretary

>>Last week was my birthday
>>and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
> I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant
and say, "Happy Birthday"
>and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone Happy Birthday".
>I thought.....Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids...They will remember.
. My kids came bounding down the stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when i left for the office. I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss"
and by the way Happy Birthday!>>
I felt a little better that at least someone remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door & said
"You know, it's such a beautiful day outside,and it is your Birthday, what
do you say we go out to lunch, just you & me".
I said, "Thanks,Jane that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go!

We went to lunch but we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet place with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day.....
We don't need to go straight back to the office Do We? I responded,I guess not.
What did you have in mind?"
She said, Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
Boss if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back." "Ok. I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and,after
a couple of minutes,she came out carrying a huge birthday cake....followed by my wife,
kids, an dozens of friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there.....

On the couch.....

Naked.


Johnny Cash & June Carter Cash Fan!
Re: Lets Get Some Jokes! [Re: Obsessed With The GodFather] #359842
01/30/07 10:40 PM
01/30/07 10:40 PM
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 18,238
The Ravenite Social Club
Don Cardi Offline
Caporegime
Don Cardi  Offline
Caporegime

Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 18,238
The Ravenite Social Club

A married couple are having marital problems. the go to a counselor. The wife explains to him that there are two things about her husband that bother her: He's always picking his nose and he never lets her get on top when they have sex.
The marraige counselor asks the husband to explain this. The husbands replies that before his father passed away, he gave him two pieces of advice: Always keep your nose clean and never f**k up.




Don Cardi



Don Cardi cool

Five - ten years from now, they're gonna wish there was American Cosa Nostra. Five - ten years from now, they're gonna miss John Gotti.




Re: Lets Get Some Jokes! [Re: Don Cardi] #359844
01/30/07 10:44 PM
01/30/07 10:44 PM
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 443
New Jersey
Obsessed With The GodFather Offline OP
Capo
Obsessed With The GodFather  Offline OP
Capo
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 443
New Jersey
Originally Posted By: Don Cardi

A married couple are having marital problems. the go to a counselor. The wife explains to him that there are two things about her husband that bother her: He's always picking his nose and he never lets her get on top when they have sex.
The marraige counselor asks the husband to explain this. The husbands replies that before his father passed away, he gave him two pieces of advice: Always keep your nose clean and never f**k up.




Don Cardi


Very Good Mr. DC...LOL...LOL...


Johnny Cash & June Carter Cash Fan!
Re: Lets Get Some Jokes! [Re: XDCX] #359849
01/30/07 10:56 PM
01/30/07 10:56 PM
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 443
New Jersey
Obsessed With The GodFather Offline OP
Capo
Obsessed With The GodFather  Offline OP
Capo
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 443
New Jersey
Originally Posted By: XDCX
All great ones!

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road in upper New York State one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't -- the aged bovine was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his
clothes in disarray.. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you," asked Hillary?

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me!

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm
Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just had an accident and killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."


Good One!


Johnny Cash & June Carter Cash Fan!
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