Elder Care Is Stressful

First of all, thanks to SC for motivating me to address this. Because I've been kinda short tempered these past few months, and I owe some of you an apology, and all of you an explanation.

My Dad, who's almost 85, developed a hernia earlier this year, and there are some complications because of where it's situated. Anyway, he's lived up in Eastchester in his own condominium since my Mom passed away. He's the most self-sufficient senior you'll ever meet, which makes this all the more difficult to deal with. Because in his current state, he was forced to move in with us until they can do the surgery, which takes place the first week of September (thank God). And it's really taking its toll on me because this is a guy was was still WALKING the golf course in Boca this past winter. He's short tempered and angry because of all this, and dealing with it is making me a grouch myself. Eh, who am I kidding? More than a grouch, I've been a real asshole. On these boards and in "real life."

Point is, it's a lot on my plate, and I'm sorry for being such a jerk lately. I'm home more than I have been in years because I don't like to leave him alone, and because of that I'm on the silly Internet more than I've ever been in my entire life. That's half the problem.

Anyway, it's no excuse for the way I've been behaving lately. Just a little bit of an explanation .

PB, Thank you for sharing that, its always difficult when we watch our loved ones struggle. Hang in there!!!

Fortunately, both of my parents lived into their mid-80s and were relatively healthy until just days before they died. Thank God that my sisters were there for them; living in Texas I was unable to attend them those last few days. That is one of my regrets.

Being a jerk can be occasioned by many things; PB, even if you have been from time to time, your travails are understandable as a reason.

PB you haven't been a jerk pal. You have been on point and informative in your post. Some people on here tweak you but what do you expect from a Mafia forum? If some ones feelings get hurt maybe they should post on , MY QUILTING BEE.com
You are entitled to your opinions just keep them within the rules of the board. SC is wise and does do a great job Moderating these boards. If someone gets to you, remember to say. "A bigger fool is the one who argues with the one who thinks he know it all!"
Prayers going up for your father and we wish him the very best on his upcoming surgery.

Don't be gun shy PB. When you're right you're right and when you're wrong, well, we will have to tell you and in the end if we still don't agree, then we will just have to agree to disagree!

PB, you are experiencing the burden that many of us middle age + people go through; caring for and assisting our aging parents. Thanks to modern-day medical care our parents are living longer and living healthy longer and then one day - POW - they need our help, love, care, support, comfort, compassion and shoulder. It takes many forms. Maybe its Alzheimer's, maybe a broken hip, pneumonia, phlebitis, financial, or just plain loneliness. My Dad had a stroke at 59 and died at 64. My Mom had to take care of him and they did great for those 5 years, but us kids had to be there as support. Then my Mom was alone. She did great for many years until Alzheimer's caught up to her. That was a tough two years.

In all of this we have to consider the dignity of the individual. They deserve our respect, love and care. It can be an emotional burden and a psychological strain. Hang tough my friend. Approach it with humor, humility and compassion. And I believe you are a man of faith, the Lord can ease the burden. Peace.

One of the best things about a message board like this one is you get to know people after a while and you get to take an interest in their lives. I always enjoy hearing your stories of what you and your dad do (mostly the golf ones). It's quite evident to all how close you are with your father, and it's heartwarming.

We'll set up a prayer thread for him for his surgery, and then while he's recuperating we'll loot your apartment.

Hang in there, and next spring you'll be arguing over how many strokes he'll give ya on the front nine.

Thanks, everyone. For the first time in a long time, I have no words.

But you all know that won't last .

Sorry to hear all that your going through, it must be tough on you right now.....You just have to keep a level head for the sake of your Dad and Family....Even if you just go out of the house to take a walk or go down to the local cafe for an espresso(with a little Sambuca) and a biscotti for an hour or so just to clear your head when you get stressed out like that...In the end you know everything will work out for the best...My blessings go out to you and yours...Take care pal!

I've gotten to know a bit about your father through you, PB. I'm sure he'll pull through and be his usual spry self when this is over. Meanwhile, it took courage for you to post your feelings and your apology.

Pizzaboy, very sorry to hear about your father. There will be a lot of forum members praying for his total recovery. You don't owe anyone an apology. In the short time I've been a member here you always seem to have knowledgeble and informative posts and contribute a lot of good and credible information for which we all thank you. We know it is difficult to deal with a loved one in distress, so just keep up your good work

Hang in there PB. I also have a lot on my plate with my elderly and demanding mother so I know what you are going through. As for the being grouchy ,you are never grouchy with me so I have no complaints

For some reason, I'm envisioning Larry David and his tv father from "Curb." Hopefully your dad won't have the porn channel volume turned up to 10 the next time you come home like Larry's dad.

Seriously, I echo everyone else's well wishes for your dad. I'm sure he appreciates having a son who cares so much.

I'll make this short and sweet because I don't like posting personal things. But my Dad's surgery was this morning and it was as routine and successful as the doctors promised me it would be. He's in a private room and coming home with us tomorrow. He should be able to start splitting his time again (between our house and his condo) within a month.

I just wanted to thank everyone here for their support, pms, emails and phone calls. And hopefully I'll be a little less cranky now that this is finally over with. So thanks again .

(The smiley is for Carmela, she knows why ).

Glad to hear he's better PB

Good to hear everything went well....As far as the cranky part goes, nuttin's gonna change there J/k

Glad to hear that, pb! You two will be out on the course in no time (and he'll only have to give you 18 strokes).

Great news. Enjoy your time with him as much as you can

Thanks, guys. He's already acting silly. And if you knew him, you'd know it's a good sign.

The first thing he asked the nurse was if he could keep the hernia. Like a kid with tonsils. But he did it with a straight face, so the poor kid actually tried to explain to him that they don't actually remove it, they pretty much just put it back where it belongs. So the old coot starts in with the mock outrage. You mean they just stick the f'n thing back inside of me? Where's the doctor!?!?

Then he broke out laughing, so the nurse was off the hook. But you have to realize that he has a very warped sense of humor about getting old. He thinks it's funny to feign forgetfulness. I remember one time I drove him to the library to pick up one of his old cowboy dvds. He walks up to the librarian and asks her with a straight but confused face which aisle the canned goods were in. The poor girl. True story .

Glad to hear the good news about your dad PB. Now I know where you inherited those smiling faces from.

I'm so glad to hear the great new PB. Your Pops is a character.

PB - Great to hear about your pops. I told you so
Apologies are not necessary as you are a great member, poster and a good guy. Hang in there and just take it slow with him. Time and a gradual ease into normal routine is the ticket to a full recovery.

You've always been a jerk so I'm not sure where people think it just started?

I'm very happy to hear that your father is doing better. He sounds like quite a character! That story about asking the librarian where the canned goods are is hilarious!

That's 0 for 2 for me today.

Really glad to hear things went well and are looking up.... My grandma has to take care of her daughter (my aunt) who has servere ms and can't talk and literally is bed ridden.. Then about a year or 2 about her husband (my grandfather) got serious dementia.. Like really bad.. I give my grandma so much respect for having to literally take care of both of them every single day. Its not easy task. Its actually a nightmare.. I don't know how she hasn't gone insane yet.. Anyways several days a week I go out to her house and watch my granpa and aunt for her so she can get out of the house and away from the madness.. Its a rough job for me to even handle but I think its a must that my grandma gets to get away from it and go out to the movies with my mother or go on walks to get her mind off it it for a few hours..she's a strong lady and I give her a lot of credit cause after a day of dealing with it I'm burnt out. Feel its the least I can do though to help out my grandma she's a great lady.

Dsbaloo,

My Aunt had to eventually put her husband in a home when he got Parkinson's and dementia. He would roam outside at night and walk down the street and where they lived there was hardly anyone around. What made it so hard was that he was about 6'4" and 250 when this started and she is about 5'1" and 100 soaking wet. He would get semi violent with her too so they finally put him in a home where he gave up and was about 120lbs. when he died. That crap is not something anyone should go through honestly but sadly we all have that someone we have to take care of eventually.

kind of crazy I mentioned my grandfather in this thread out of nowhere... turns out he passed a few days ago on the 25th.... he was 90 so he lived a long great life... but im absolutely devastated for my grandma... what she must be feeling and going through I cant even begin to imagine.. they were married for something like 60 years...imagine losing a life partner of that long...
to help her cope a bit I've decided to move in with my grandma for a few months once shes done with all the funeral and death stuff... figured she could use the company and not be left in her home alone thinking about it...going to bring over my sopranos box set so we can watch it since she loves it ahaha.. but damn yeah..... rough times... I feel for you pizzaboy.

dsbaloo me and my wife have only been married 4 years and she left me back in July and we are in the process of getting back together (according to her). I was devastated to say the least so I couldn't imagine being with her for 60 years and losing her.

My Uncle died back in 07 about 3 months after his wife died and they were married over 50 years. She battled breast cancer until it spread to her brain and finally took her at home with him by her side fighting emphysema in which it should have killed him years before except he fought it to take care of her until she went then he just gave up. It was the most heart breaking thing in the world to see him say he wanted to die so he could be with her again. I just hope to have half the love they had with my wife before we die.

Your Grandma loves The Sopranos? That's freaking awesome dude. I never had a Grandma, my Mom's mother died giving birth to my Mom and my Dad's Mom died in her sleep about 6 years before my birth. All I had was one Grandfather that we lived an hour from so I never got to enjoy the spoils of being a Grandson. I always gripe at friends that take theirs for granted because they've always been around because I never had that. Be sure to take care of your Grandma.

I'm sorry to hear about your Gramps, Buddy. He sounds like he had a full life, though. If you need anything, you know where to find me.

Meanwhile, take care of your Grandma .

Dsbaloo-Take care of your grandma. I'm so glad that you are staying with her she needs you.


Dixie- I hope you get to experience true love.

PB how is your Pops?


In 2012 I lost my mom to cancer and my father passed away 9 months later in the hospital of a heart attack a day after having a brain biopsy. They were together for 43 years and only in their early seventies. I don't know what was more difficult to see, my mom dying before my eyes or seeing my pop watching the love of his life dying before his eyes. He went into a deep depression, she was EVERYTHING to him. I was so afraid sometimes to go into his house I thought for sure I was going to find him lying on the floor dead from overdosing. He just couldn't cope.
He would take care of her night and day sleeping on the FLOOR next to her side of the bed so that when she woke up in the middle of the night (she was weak and doped up) to use the bathroom he would help her so that she wouldn't fall. I have never in my life seen a husband so devoted to his wife as my pops was to my mom. HE LOVED HER UNCONDITIONALLY.
Most people don't know what to say to me losing both my parents so close to one another. Usually I end up consoling them. It's tough having all our family in Jersey and on the east coast. I wish I could move back home.
So if anyone ever wants to talk to someone about their loss or taking care of an elderly parent or grandparent please don't hesitate to pm me. I'm here for you.

Sorry to hear about your loss Dsbaloo..My condolences go out to you and your family.

thank you everyone for the kind words.. it really does mean a lot...im hoping me moving into my grandmas for a few months will help her out.. I just don't think her being alone after the loss of her husband could be good for her... I want to keep her company make sure shes never lonely and bring some youthful vibes into a rather morbid atmosphere..

ha yea my grandma loves sopranos... she was a huge fan of tony until he killed chris.. she was so mad after that point she said she didn't care if he lived or died after that ahaha (tony the character that is). shes a pretty hip lady for being in her 80's.. I took her to see The Wolf Of Wallstreet in theatres... haha imagine a 20 something year old kid and his 80 year old grandma going to watch that movie... she loved that also.. she ended up buying it on dvd when it came out!

For the past six months I've been lucky enough to help take care of 3 of my parents' closest friends. They are all in their seventies. One has pulmonary fibrosis, another has the West Nile Virus, and another pancreatic cancer.

Out of all three I'd have to say that the West Nile Virus has to be the worst. He and his 45 year tri-athlete neighbor were both bit by a mosquito back in August of 2015. Both were paralyzed but she started recovering in January 2016, while our friend did not. Years back, he was diagnosed with an immune disorder but it was extremely mild so he did not need any meds. However, because his immune system was slightly compromised, he would be affected by the West Nile Virus differently than a healthy person would.

He needs a feeding tube, cannot speak, cannot sit up, he may never walk again. He can barely move his fingertips. The physical therapist and speech therapist have their work cut out for them. When I go see him, he lights up and tries to talk to me, mouths words. It is very painful for me to watch this man who I've known since I've been five suffer like this. His wife has her own set of health problems so she cannot help him much. He needs 24 hr care and it costs them a fortune. (She has great stories of years 1940's + of what was going on in Fort Lee area. I've learned some interesting things about OC. They're Jersey transplants)

The next good friend who has pulmonary fibrosis is refined to a scooter and needs oxygen. She is getting progressively worse. Her husband enjoys company because he's bored out of his mind staying home all the time. He and my Dad were good pals. I was driving and something made me go over to his house even though I just visited a week or so ago. I rang the bell, he answered and it looked like he saw a ghost. He said madonna I was just thinking about you this second and here you are. That was weird. They needed help with something and I miracuralously had the exact number they needed to call. It was really strange.

Last but not least, is my Mom's very good friend who has cancer. She has a TPN bag which is a nutrient bag that is hooked up to her port which gives her nourishment because of her trouble keeping food down. I brought her some pizzelle because she enjoys those. She still has energy. And most importantly, she has NO pain!! Luckily, her granddaughter came out to help her Grandpa take care of her. They also use hospice care.

To end on a happy note. All of these friends of my parents have brought up their children who are around my age, to become successful, wonderful adults. That must make them feel very proud!!

God Bless You for checking in on your parents' friends,AG.

Laughter and the presence of friends does WONDERS for health. I'm sure you benefit even more than them by being able to spend time with such great people.

YES, GOD BLESS YOU A.G. YOU ARE TRULY A BEAUTIFUL AND CARING LADY.

My mom died 18 years ago from complications brought on by Alzheimers. It is a burden on the family. I arranged in-home care for my mom. If you have the money it is the way to go. I empathize with all who have to got through it.

My Mom's good friend, the one I was talking about on here with pancreatic cancer passed away yesterday morning That type of cancer doesn't even give you a chance. Cancer SUCKS!!!

Aww how sad. Sorry to hear it. I hear that pancreatic cancer is one of the most painful cancers.


TIS

So sad to say, but my parents' friend who had pulmonary fibrosis just passed away. She was like an aunt to me. What's so bizarre was that her son told me she passed away 45 minutes after I left her house. She gave me a kiss good-bye on the cheek and a blessing, made the sign of the cross on my forehead. And I went home. Sal, her husband, and her sons are convinced that my late Father put it in my head to visit her that day at that time so we could say our good-byes to one another. This happened on Monday. They couldn't find my number and the one on Sal's phone had the last two digits wrong so he kept calling some other girl instead of me. Finally, one of his sons figured out the number to call me today to give me the bad news:( So, I was the last person to have a conversation with her. She was physically very weak but in good spirits. So, I did most of the talking. And the sons wanted me to recite the whole conversation to them. I'm still in shock. Poor Sal and his sons. They're having such a hard time. Feel so badly for them.

Sorry to hear about the passing,AG. You should find comfort in knowing that she lived a long life and was around people who loved her until the end.

Sounds like when my Aunt passed from Cancer. It had spread from her breasts to her head and she was in bad shape. In and out from the morphine. I took my Mom and Aunt to visit her on a Saturday and we couldn't even talk inside the house because it hurt her head that much. We go to leave and I stop to tell her bye and she was ready enough to go that she even thought up to tell me a joke before we left. She made it mid-week before she passed. Wouldn't want anyone to see loved ones like that, it was horrible.

Thanks, Gets. I agree. Thank you so much for the comforting words.

@Dix
That's wonderful that she shared a joke. It's so difficult to see our loved ones suffer with that pain. Your Aunt managed to keep her sense of humor. Many don't. Thanks for sharing that story.

My wife fell in the middle of the night when going to the bathroom. She suffered a severe fracture of the femur in 4 pieces which was reduced with rod and screws. Was in Rehab facility for 2 months but now home. SO... I'm getting good at laundry, cleaning cooking Etc while doing my regular duties. Wife can barely walk at all yet and is also getting home health care, but since I was diagnosed with congestive heart failure, I am not supposed to be doing much of anything. This is getting old fast.

Wow, Bigboy. Good luck with your wife, as well as with your own health.

Take care of yourself man! Hope your wife gets better too

AG,

Did you speak during her funeral services? Are non clergy allowed to speak at Catholic funeral?

Since I last read this thread...one of my cousins died in a car accident....and my brother's close friend had a stroke(he's alive).






Dixie ,

Sorry to hear about your aunt.She was in good spirits until the end though.

At a catholic funeral mass, usually a close relative will speak in addition to the priest. They had four family members speak. I would have gone up there if they needed me. There are a few ways relatives can be a part of the service. Two go up to read from the Bible. Two or more can bring up the gifts (Eucharist and Sacramental Wine). They had the niece sing at the service. Beautiful. It was more of a celebration of her life than a somber service like some are.

I'm so very sorry to hear about your cousin and your brother's close friend!!! You never know one day to the next what life has in store for you. You are having a normal day and then just like that, life throws something your way, and everything changes. How do you cope? It's very tough. I'll keep your family in my prayers.

AG,

Thank You. It's easier to cope with an older person passing away but my bro's friend is a few years younger than I am. My cousin was 24. He's my blood cousin's grandson. My cousin was much older than me so I always called him uncle...so his grandson is my 3rd cousin....once removed....carry the one...or whatever..

Burying people younger than you doesn't seem natural.

The Grim Reaper got my family 4 years in a row recently(including the uncle/cousin I just mentioned), and gave us a break last year ...back in full force this year.

A third of my family are Catholics, as was my cousin so I'll be seeing the Catholic funeral mass in person soon. Thanks for the outline and I'm glad that, all things considered, that the services you attended were pleasant.

My father died when I was 15, He did not die a natural death. I came back home after to hep my mother. All she could do for herself was cook. Man could she do that well. Any way after Daddio died she did not want to live anymore. I think she was nuts. Daddio abused her and my brother and I. I ran away from home at 11 yrs old. My brother is 4 yrs older then I. Both my brother and my mother put up with Daddio' bullshit. I always thought both of them were weak for putting up with him. My father did everything for my mother so she could not do anything for herself to keep her dependent on him. She was also abused by her father he used to hit her with a rubber hose. Daddio liked to burn her with cigarettes.

Any way she died 6 months after Daddio died.

Foot,

Sorry to hear about what your dad put your family through.

Some people say they liked society the way it was structured back then...like the song they sing in the opening of "All In The Family"


I'm glad for some of the changes in society...especially that women have more career and educational opportunities now than they did back then. There's less pressure on them to hurry up get married and have kids and thankfully they are mostly less dependent on men now.

I respect "traditional households" and I grew up in but , as you pointed out....it's a trap sometimes.

Rest in Peace to your Mother. May she find the peace that she couldn't enjoy here.


*On another note, I don't attend funerals or services for people who were known to be bad people, relatives or not. I can't force myself to sit through the BULL where people are lying and saying good things about them.

Gets, I agree it's just not natural to bury those younger than us. My Grandma's sister did NOT want me to tell her anything about my Dad's death or the funeral because she could NOT come to grips with the fact that she was still alive at 90 and he was dead. So, I was not permitted to say a word about it when I went to visit her in Jersey. My cousin had to bury her two month old baby. I went to that funeral. And man, was that tough. Awful, awful, awful.

4 years in a row of losing loved ones is too much for one family to take, Gets. And now, losing more loved ones this year is definitely not going to be easy. Take each day as it comes is really all you can do.

I've had to bury three of my ex boyfriends. Those are stories for another day. Very strange and awful.

I had to be a pallbearer for a 4 month old. Not something I care to do ever again. My Great Grandmother had to bury her husband (my Great Grandfather) and 3 of her 5 kids including my Grandfather. I couldn't imagine.

Sad, Dix. You know what I found strange. When I went to this last funeral, the family was recording part of the funeral AND taking pictures next to the coffin!! Omg I stood there in disbelief. Is that what people do nowadays? I have never seen anything like it in all my years going to funerals. So weird to me. You'd think it would be a day to forget right?

Technology has got people doing that type of shit a lot more often. I'm sure it's just going to become more common.

But on the subject of funerals, I always thought a crazy tradition they have in some Caribbean islands (and possibly elsewhere, I don't know) was that instead of putting people in a coffin they set them up doing some shit like they would do in life.

Example
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-...EN-funeral.html

I remember another one where they had the body on a motorcycle in the full get up with the jacket and all that.. Shit's definitely different than my experiences at funerals but I'm not one to judge peoples grieving processes.

Rollin
That is so BIZARRE!! I have never seen anything like it! Wow!

Thanks for sharing that article and info.

That's some crazy shit there

Rollin,

When I saw the picture and his clothes,I immediately thought that he's aligned with the Lo-Lifes


WHEN I DIE,BURY ME WITH THE LO ON.


In West Africa, there's a coffin making industry where they send people off in very creative ways, but in the Caribbean and Latin America....the only time I've read about these bizarre funerals/wakes/coffins/poses is when it involves heavy crime figures

EDIT

Just saw an article about the funeral home that did this guy's wake as well as the motorcycle rider guy.


http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/real-li...eca388e41d10e12

As article mentions, the stories get a lot of press coverage which makes more people's families want to do similar things.

This is some hood stuff, without a doubt. I guess it helps the families deal with the loss, but some real gutter hood stuff. The causes of death of the deceased hints at what kinds of lives they lead..so not a complete shock that their families would send them off like this.

In my will I am to be buried just outside my soccer field under a shade tree. My wife knows about it she wants to be buried in the plot we bought. I told her we are not going to die at the same time any way. I said just think of it as separate vacations.

Years ago my oldest daughter's pet rabbit died she was married then. But she was upset any way and calls me up. I told her I will be over in an hour and I will take the rabbit to my soccer field and bury it where I want to be buried under that shade tree. I had the keys to get in it was around 2 am. So I go collect the rabbit and I actually tried to do what I said I will do. But it was winter time and the field was frozen. Then I said fuck this. Took the rabbit and put it in someone's garbage can along the way home.

When my friend Johnny told me about his friend and my acquaintance Michael Medish's murder the night we were too all meet at Rao's but Meldish never showed up. He actually wanted me to go to his funeral with him that's why I love Johnny if he is your friend he is your friend no matter what you done in your life.

When I die I would like my grand children to come to the funeral. But crying is out not that anyone would cry. But I just want them to talk about all the funny stuff we did together. I want my handsome Henry that is the one that lives in Germany to sing all the songs I taught him. The Duke of Earl, Eh Cumpare, everyone to sing Cara Mia and lastly More the theme from Mondo Cane. I always liked that movie. Ever see it a shark eats a kid. So the fisherman go out and catch a bunch of sharks and stuff sea urchins down their throats and they die a horrible death. Hey I got to add that to my bucket list maybe that fucked up cop I know.

You are cold,Foot.

Almost as cold as the rabbit was when you tossed him.

I would laugh my ass off if Foots daughter was reading this thread

From the film Con Air

I saw a movie a few days ago with Henry. It was a cartoon about pets. They could talk to each other but the owners could not understand what they said. It was on Netflix. Very funny there were pets who were let go by their owners. They hated humans because of it. The leader was a cute little bunny. They did scenes from Saturday night fever and other movies very entertaining. I would recommend it to adults " the secret life of pets" I liked it.

AG,

Here's a story that I can laugh at. The first person in that four year span to pass was my aunt. Funerals are always stressful but you know that there are talkers and there are doers. LOT of talkers emerged in her immediate family, so my family had to do a lot of the work and planning.

We arranged for a guy to videotape the ceremonies to send to family members around the world who couldn't make it on short notice. Sounds simple, right? Wrong...at the last minute the cameraman tried to raise the price.

I say F it, F him, I can hold a camera he's not gonna shake us down. So now,on top of grieving for my aunt (actually my cousin....and the sister of the uncle I mentioned earlier)...I have to record the wake, and the funeral. It actually turned out okay...I only had to edit out 2 parts where I was crying and the camera starting shaking.

==

The cousin who passed away recently was cremated, and apparently there was some kind of family drama going on between his parents.I called the mom directly and asked her when and where the services were and she never got back to me. Really low life behavior from both the parents so I stayed away.

Gets, that's very different from what I witnessed. You were recording the service so that people who missed it could view it. That makes a lot of sense. And would certainly be very tough to do because it is quite an emotional day for you.

Sometimes, a death brings out the worst in family members. I have been to many funerals and have never heard of there NOT being some sort of drama.

Hope things get better for you and your family!