help with a suicidal/drug addicted friend?

pretty seroius request for advice here guys, as i know we have alot of older, level headed posters here. a friend of mine who i've known for over 20 years has hit about as rough of a patch as you could imagine. he has a daughter with an ex girlfriend who lives a few states away that he never sees because he is so far behind on child support that he is real close to losing the little amount of custody he has left. he has had another toxic relationship with a girl up here, and they just seem to enable each others addictions.

for a while he had a good job, and was going to a methadone clinic and seemed to have things somewhat in order. the last few months, it seems like everything is just falling apart. he lost his job due to heroin addiction(missing work, calling out, asking for advances of pay ect) since then, i know for a fact he has started back up on the heroin.

a few nights ago, he called me, hysterical, threatening suicide, so i offered to let him stay with me for a few days to calm down. to make things even more complicated, i moved back in with my parents a few months ago until the spring/summer because of problems at the house i was renting with a few other guys as well as to save money while i can because the plan is for them to put the house up for sale soon and they wanna move to pa. now as much i like to drink beer, joke around and have a good time, my family gets along pretty well, but they won't tolerate any kind of drug use/chaos.

so my buddy rode his street bike over here, clearly messed up. i had him inside, ordered a pizza for us, bought him a pack of smokes as well as a 12pk of his favorite soda. he was an emotional mess, and to make things even worse, it looks like he must have crashed the bike recently as its all fucked up with coolant and oil dripping all over the driveway.

a set him up on the couch in my room, go to throw some sheets in the washer for him, and when i come back, hes in the process of cooking up dope. i was shocked, and didn't know what to do, like that frozen feeling you get. he finished, and started the nod. here i am having to stay up all night to make sure he isn't dead, while trying to hide this from my family. i went threw his bag, found more empty bags, and some xanax in a bottle prescribed to him, unreal. for those who don't know, xanax mixed with any kind of opiate is a lethal combination. i had to call out of work the next day(yesterday), just so i could try to figure something out.

i am physically sick right now, my face feels all fuzzy, and i'm hurt. he left early this morning on foot cause his bike is undrivable, im assuming he is trying to get more drugs after begging me for cash which i refused, and i think he went back to that poison bitch he's with. his parents live in west virginia, and i've been on the phone with them constantly trying to figure out what to do. he has fucked them over so many times that they are at there wits end and just don't know what to do. they sent him money to get on a bus to go down, but that money is gone. my car probably wouldn't even be able to make it there, otherwise i would drive him myself.

my parents seem to know that something serious is going on, and i don't know what to do. if i turned my back on him and something happened i couldn't live with myself, but at the same time i cant keep missing work to babysit a full grown man, luckily i'm off today, but not tomorrow. i would be greatful for any advice, because i'm at a complete loss here.

You've already done A LOT for him. He has to be willing to help himself now. Do NOT, I repeat NOT, feel guilty about not doing enough for him. Lay the law down now.... no drugs if he's gonna stay with you.

Good luck!

I agree with SC. If he is staying with you and still using, then he's just found another comfortable place to use. He may not realise it now, but you would be doing the best thing for him to kick him out if he uses at all.

He doesn't belong in your parents' house. He's using your generosity as a means to facilitate his drug habit. You may not be doing him a favor by housing him. It sounds as though he needs to be admitted into an in-patient drug program. He may have health benefits from his current job that will pay some, if not most, of it. But whether he can afford it or not, that's where he needs to be. You can schedule an evaluation for him and if he doesn't go, you should kick him out immediately.

Don't give him money and if his parents decide to pay for treatment, they should pay the facility directly.

He might be upset about not seeing his daughter, but his daughter is better off without him unless and until he's clean.

Good luck.

i have to agrre with the others. you have done loads for the guy already.fifty plus years on this world, i have had a lot of friends die before there time. drugs is always one of the ingredients to there deaths. overdoses, car accidents, shootings, hiv, suicides. after fifty years kid you get pretty fucking cynical about human nature in general. ill give you the advice id give my son. [you may totally disagree with me here, but you asked for it] look after number one. no matter how much you do, you will always feel guilty in the end. you cant win out to a drug. especially not heroin. its human nature. he is going to fufil his needs e.g. heroin. i had friends with a similar situation, and honestly, i dont have any good stories about them to tell you. the four guys i can think of off the top of my head...dead [shot], jail [man 1],dead[in jail],and dead [od]. so ive definately had piss poor experiences around addicts. 3 out of those 4 were on h. one was on crack. so my outlook is generally skeptical, but my advice is, look after yourself first. he may be your friend, but his only friend [while hes using] is heroin. do your best to keep him off the street. i recomend going to a priest. we had one help out a good friend of the family with pills. sorry your in this situation you sound like you got a good heart, good luck to you kid. -joe

Some problems cannot be solved. Some problems take reasources beyond an individual's capacity to try and solve them. You have exhausted your resources. Stop trying to help him and turn your attention to those problems you can solve.

Don't bring an addict into your own house, let alone your parents.
It's time to turn your back. Such a person is beyond your ability to help.

After reading that FF I've tried to help friend(s) in the past but if hes that heavy into that shit I'd drop him off at the nuthouse if he doesn't have insurance a local social worker can fill out welfare stuff unless his parents are well off and can help I don't know what else you can do to really help him. Before you know it his bike and your car will be on craiglists for $100.00 all joking a side if he gets sick and starts throwing up all over the place your really in for it get him the fuck outta there!

thanks alot for every response guys, alot of sound advice that i knew but sometimes it helps to just hear it repeatedly. i talked to him before, and he seems messed up, but its hard to tell on the phone when he's upset on top of it. he won't tell me where he is, but i know he's back with that girl, which means nothing good. as far as letting him in the house, you guys are right but again, sometimes its hard to make the right decisions in the middle of a crazy situation. i located a county run rehab/detox center that is free is you have no money/job/insurance ect. the only problem is they only have a limited # of beds and i can't reserve one for him, although i'm sure that if we just showed up there, they would more than likely take him in. the problem is its voluntary, but that part isn't up to me.

other than that i told him that he can stay for another day or 2 so he can figure out what to do, but only under the condition of no drugs whatsoever, and that means having to search him myself. other than that, i can't do anything else. even if he decides to stay, i have work tomorrow and he will not be left alone, so he would have to figure out what to do during the day, but it seems like that might just lead to more trouble. with that said, i'm gonna try as hard as i can to is pick him up and bring him to the rehab center tonight because i CANNOT miss another day of work. its real nice to see people telling me to worry about myself first, as it really helps lesson the guilt of an extremely difficult situation. hopefully nobody here will have to go through anything similar to this, because heroin has got to be the single most destructive substance ever, it makes cocaine seem like tylenol by comparison.

You got strong nerves there, man. I for example couldn't deal with a drug addict, neither would I even let them near my house. It's just that I'm against drug use totally and I think those are very weak people.

But yeah, I guess it would be hard for me not to help a good friend who would have such a problem.

All you can do is talk to this guy and try get some sense in his head that using drugs is not the answer. Then take him to rehab. But the man needs to understand and want himself to get rid of the addiction. Otherwise it won't work.

One major thing is as the others said already, think first about yourself. If the man doesn't want to change it's his life. There's nothing you'll do about it. Even if you force him in rehab, he'll be out of it soon and will continue using.

FF, he's lucky to have a good friend like you. However, you need to end this immediately. Your kindness is enabling his drug use. He must hit bottom (it sounds like he's pretty darned close) and decide on his own that he needs help. Nobody can help him. He must help himself. He will lie, steal and cheat to get drugs. He will sell his own mother. He has no conscience right now. Your friend no longer exists, only an addict. Once he's clean and sober, your friend may come back to you. You must have faith.

FF, good luck with the situation going forward. Alot of sound advice from other posters for you to heed.

Good luck Felonies. I can only agree with what everyone else has already said. He needs to get out, you can't help him. And you can't babysit him forever. He'll be robbing your parents blind if left alone. He needs help that you can't give him.
I wish you the best.

FF - much good advice has already been posted above so I don't have much else to offer except a couple of things... This situation is waaaay beyond your capability. Everything you have described can only be helped by sound, professional help from experienced personnel at an inpatient facility. No disrespect but Carmela is exactly right - your friend WILL eventually rob you & your family and do ANYTHING to buy that fix he craves. I have seen and heard stories like this that seem to have the addicted person floating from place to place and friend to family member preying on their good nature and empathy. Those people only end up with heart break, guilt and an empty wallet until the addict finds another person to help him out. God bless and good luck.

I'm guessing he stole your computer

methadone clinic it helps nowdays they make you go to counciling 1 aweek or every 2. you wont get dosed if you got benzo's in the piss, there trying to do away with any alcohol. the clinic down the street where i live is crazy thou people hanging out seelling everything police just sitting in unmarks busting people with warrants but it will get you off dope if you just give it a try there salot of rich people since sniffing pills and smoking them in the last 10yrs, coming off the methdone thats another story, but if theres there a will theres way.the suboxone dont work it just not close anuff to the dope high.

The best thing to to would be to get him into a 12-Step program like NARANON. You could attend the support group associated with the program. They'll tell you not to let the addict's illness make you sick. "Let go and let God" is their byword. You'll hear plenty of stories from parents, sibs, friends of addicts who've gone through far more than you have--and who have plenty of their wisdom to share with you.

so i little update... last night after i got back from going out to eat, my friend called me and informed me that he was coming over and hung up before i was able to get a word in and wouldn't pick the phone back up. so i waited outside and about 20 minutes later he arrived by car with some real sketchy people that i have never even seen before. when they got here, the driver wanted gas money which he said my friend promised him. too bad, i wasn't giving someone money who i never even met. then the driver wanted cigarettes. i don't even smoke, so tough luck. my buddy finally hopped out of the car, barely able to stand. this is around 11:30, mind you.

i was pretty pissed already by having someone tell me they are coming over, rather than even ask. i told him no way can you stay over here in this condition, and then he tries to convince me he's ok. thats the funny thing about people like that, they seem to get mad if you know they are messed up. the past few days i've come to realize that selfishness isn't always a bad thing, depending on the situation. i can afford to not be living at home now, but the whole point is to save the money while i can so i can put a down payment on a small place down south, which is what i've been striving for the past few years. why should i sacrafice that for someone who in thier present condition, probably wouldn't buy me a pack of gum?

we argued for a few more minutes, and i told him that its too late and we can't be causing a scene this late. long story short, i dropped him off at a nearby wawa. i let him know that i'd be more than happy to give him a ride to the rehab center i located for him if given notice, and he is welcome to call me whenever, but i just can't have somebody in an extremely unstable condition staying with me. i also reached out to his parents, and was able to convince them to give him another shot with them. they are very busy, and over 400 miles away, but the father recently had major surgery and has a dr's appointment in philly in about 2 weeks, and he said he is willing to come up here and pick him and the bike up and then to spend christmas with the family, dry out, and figure out what to do next, which hopefully will include some type of rehab. now its on him to try an keep it together for a few weeks, and try for a fresh start, really nothing more i can do/offer at this point besides support and encouragement.

Many, many years ago when i was still just a teenager, one of my cousin's on my mothers side(not the Scottish ones) got into drug related problems and difficulties. She ended up living in her parents house with her equally drug afflicted boyfriend who was a proper nightmare. I remember at a family do he turned on my uncle,who was an older,sweet natured chap who wouldn't hurt a fly and my Dad had to dish him out a kicking. This dragged on for months and in the end they went AWOL and it was only several years later that she turned back up at my uncles funeral and then got herself sorted out. She is 15 years older than me so i was never that close. In recent years she has dropped off the map again but i hope she is okay??

Sorry to hear about your friend and his problems. Hope you all get it sorted somehow!