Just wanna say thanks

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year. Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.


I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)


Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.


I can't touch any woman' s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!


I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.


Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.


I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.


I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.


I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.


I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.


Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.


Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.


I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pump ing gas.


I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.


I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.


And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.


I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.


I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.


I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually AlQaeda in disguise.


I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.


I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for or which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .


I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.


Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt .


And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.


I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!


If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Are you implying that those emails that you described aren't true???

Hey Mignon, you'll be fine!

Your kinda like a female Howard Hughes[keeps washing hands and OCD with words]!

Thanks

I wanna say thanks to all the pain in the ass e-mails I get daily from the UK., Africa, Italy, and some nations I have never heard of, that always star: "Beloved", Friend in Christ, I Need Your Assistance (transferring funds in my account of course) I don't even open them. I can tell by the title they are spam.

More than once I received something from BofA regarding my account activity. I have never had any BofA account.
I found an e-mail address to B of A and forwarded that e-mail thinking they may want to follow up and/or report it to whomever. They did e-mail back and basically blew me off, saying that they don't do business like that and to disregard the e-mail.

TIS

There are times, however -- and this is one of them -- when even being right feels wrong. What do you say, for instance, about a generation that has been taught that rain is poison and sex is death? If making love might be fatal and if a cool spring rain on any summer afternoon can turn a crystal blue lake into a puddle of black poison scum right in front of your eyes, there is not much left except TV and relentless masturbation.

Mig, you need some of that bacteria in your system to build up your immunities. But, yeah I'm guilty of picking my nose when driving, but as Jerry Seinfeld would attest, 'it was only a scratch!'

I would like to thank George Bush for getting rid of WMD in Iraq. He did do that, didn't he?

No WMD were ever found.

Maybe the aliens took them.

There never were none. Some say that 9/11 was caused by the American government, so US troops could go into Afghanistan and destroy the heroin and stop it going onto the streets of the free world. They went into Iraq to oust Saddam and control the oil production. In both countries, they reinstalled new governments. Two that they could control.

Aliens are behind 9/11. It was the first step in their invasion to Earth.

Stop heroin from getting into the free world? Are you fucking kidding me? The aliens use heroin to gas up their UFOs.

You American?

Afraid so.