A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." > >The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" > >The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." > >The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You CAN NOT have any cyanide!"The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.
A elderly woman is wandering around her nursing home. Every time she encounters one of the male residents, she lifts up her dress and says, "Super Sex!!"
She waits expectantly for a reaction, but gets none. She goes to three or four different men, lifts up her dress and says, "Super Sex!!"
Nothing.
Finally, she comes across a new male resident. She lifts up her dress and says, "Super Sex!!"
The gentleman checks out what she's flashing, thinks it over carefully, and replies, "I'll have the soup."
A man came home early from work one day and found his next-door neighbor in bed with his wife.
Quickly pulling a gun, he marched the naked fellow into the garage where he tightly secured the neighbor's private parts in the vise on the workbench. Still holding the gun to the man's head, he broke the handle off the vise with a crowbar. Putting the gun in his pocket, he then took out a very large hunting knife.
"Hey," yelled the neighbor in panic, "you're not gonna cut it off, are ya?"
"No," said the husband as he placed the knife on the workbench, "you are. I'm torching the garage."
An elderly couple, celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, fly across country and find the diner where they first dined after becoming husband and wife. Entering the establishment, the husband says, "Look, dear, there's the same booth we had 50 years ago."
Sitting down, the wife excitedly says, "The place hasn't changed a bit." And they go on to order the same meals they enjoyed 50 years previously. They even play the same songs on the juke box.
A cop overhearing them reminice, says," Excuse me. I've been listening to you and think it's great that you're reliving your special day. I'm chief of police in this town and if there's anything I can do to make your day special, tell me."
The husband replies, "Actually, my wife and I first made love after our dinner by that very same oak tree by the fence on top of that hill across the street. So if it would be alright-"
"Say no more, my friend. It's no problem. You and the Mrs. go up there by the tree and I'll make sure you're not disturbed," says the cop.
He helps them as they hobble with the use of canes and walkers. After a few minutes, the cop grows curious and takes a peak, only to find the old couple going at it wildly, their bodies flying about with fury, rolling around together with unbelievable speed. His jaw dropped as he had never seen such energetic body contortions for such an extended length of time.
When the couple finally hobbles down the hill with their canes and walkers, the cop says, "I admit I took a peak. You two were amazing. Was it like that 50 years ago?"
"Not quite," says the wife. "Back then the fence wasn't electrified."
Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one..
"I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."
"I got it from my genie." "You have a genie?" he asked. "Yes, he's right here in my pocket." "Could I see him?"
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" "Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.
About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?"
Here's one I received in my email not so long ago:
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish.
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he would like to pay for his treatment.
She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother in law.
Ha ha ha!! Both good ones, but that second one is great!
Here's a "Lawyer" joke"
My Car!
A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed.
A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god man, your left arm is gone!"
The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"
A couple age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Doctor, Will you watch us have intercourse?" The Doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple finished, the Doctor said "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he charged them $10.00. This happened for several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, and then leave. Finally the Doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. Holiday Inn charges $22.00, the Hilton charges $27.00, we do it here for $10.00 and I get $8.00 back from Medicare for every visit to the Doctor's office."
A man wlks into a bar with a crocodile and announces to all the patrons, "I am going to perform a feat so astounding, that if you are truly amazed, you will each by me a drink."
The crowd looked on as he struck the crocodile over the head with a beer bottle. The crocodile immediately opened its mouth whereupon the man dropped his pants, inserted his genitals into the gaping mouth, struck the crocodile on the head again, and the reptile closed its mouth.
The crowd gasped for thirty seconds, after which the man struck it on the head again and the mouth opened. Amid great applause the man was then lavished with drinks from around the bar. After a few drinks he stood up and announced, "I have a 100 dollar bill in my hand and will give it to any patron willing to do my trick!"
The crowd was silent. Finally a young woman stood up and said, "I'll try it...but don't hit me too hard with the bottle."
What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale? A Northern fairy tale begins, "Once upon a time" A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit"
FLORIDA STATE TROOPER > > > > > > A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out >of >the > > dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, > > enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. > > > > "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even >more. > > Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him, >blue > > lights flashing and siren blaring. > > > > He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, >"What >am > > I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the > > trooper's arrival. > > > > Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked >at > > his > > > > watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. >If >you > > can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll >let >you > > go." > > > > The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with >a > > Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." > > > > "Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper. > > >
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...
FLAT TIRE > > > > > > > > A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day, so she eases it > > over onto the shoulder of the road. > > > > She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out two > > cardboard men, unfolds them and > > > > stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. > > > > > > > > The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies > > to > > approaching drivers... Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and > > backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. > > > > > > > > The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled > > vehicle > > yelling, "What is going on here?" > > > > > > > > "My car broke down, Officer," says the woman, calmly. > > > > > > > > "Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by > > the road"?!, asks the Officer.. > > > > > > > > "Oh, those are my emergency flashers", she replied. > > > > > >
A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.
"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road in upper New York State one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't -- the aged bovine was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray.. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you," asked Hillary?
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me!
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just had an accident and killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."
>>Last week was my birthday >>and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. > I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday" >and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone Happy Birthday". >I thought.....Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids...They will remember. . My kids came bounding down the stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when i left for the office. I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss" and by the way Happy Birthday!>> I felt a little better that at least someone remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door & said "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside,and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you & me". I said, "Thanks,Jane that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!
We went to lunch but we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day..... We don't need to go straight back to the office Do We? I responded,I guess not. What did you have in mind?" She said, Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, Boss if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok. I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and,after a couple of minutes,she came out carrying a huge birthday cake....followed by my wife, kids, an dozens of friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
A married couple are having marital problems. the go to a counselor. The wife explains to him that there are two things about her husband that bother her: He's always picking his nose and he never lets her get on top when they have sex. The marraige counselor asks the husband to explain this. The husbands replies that before his father passed away, he gave him two pieces of advice: Always keep your nose clean and never f**k up.
A married couple are having marital problems. the go to a counselor. The wife explains to him that there are two things about her husband that bother her: He's always picking his nose and he never lets her get on top when they have sex. The marraige counselor asks the husband to explain this. The husbands replies that before his father passed away, he gave him two pieces of advice: Always keep your nose clean and never f**k up.
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road in upper New York State one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't -- the aged bovine was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray.. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you," asked Hillary?
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me!
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just had an accident and killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."
A man sees a good looking lady giving him the eye in the supermarket! "Do i know you?" he asks her. "Are'nt you the Father of one of my children?" she asks him. He quickly thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful. "Were you the hooker i made love to over the pool table at my stag do whilst your mate spanked my ass with a big stick of celery?" he asks her. "Er no..." she replies "I'm your son's teacher!"
A man sees a good looking lady giving him the eye in the supermarket! "Do i know you?" he asks her. "Are'nt you the Father of one of my children?" she asks him. He quickly thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful. "Were you the hooker i made love to over the pool table at my stag do whilst your mate spanked my ass with a big stick of celery?" he asks her. "Er no..." she replies "I'm your son's teacher!"
This is apparently a true story although it reads as a joke would.
When Ronald Reagan was president, he was either visiting or being visited by Queen Elizabeth. They and some others were horseback riding when the Queen's horse suddenly and loudly passed gas. Embarrassed, the Queen said, "I'm so sorry, Mr. President." Reagan replied, "If you hadn't said anything, I'd have sworn it was the horse."
Maybe someone can validate the story. I recall the Queen once visiting him in California.
This is apparently a true story although it reads as a joke would.
When Ronald Reagan was president, he was either visiting or being visited by Queen Elizabeth. They and some others were horseback riding when the Queen's horse suddenly and loudly passed gas. Embarrassed, the Queen said, "I'm so sorry, Mr. President." Reagan replied, "If you hadn't said anything, I'd have sworn it was the horse."
Maybe someone can validate the story. I recall the Queen once visiting him in California.
A loving husband comes home with the words "I luv u" tattooed on his penis! He proudly shows his wife his new handiwork! "There you go again" she says,"trying to put words in my mouth".........!
A priest, a minister and a rabbi were camping together in the middle of the woods when they began discussing their powers of persuasion. they made a friendly wager as to see who could go out and be the first to convert a bear.
When they met in the evening, the priest said, "I found a bear, doused him in holy water, and read my catechism to him, and he became gentle as a lamb. So moved was he that the bishop is coming up tomorrow to give him Holy Communion and Confirmation."
The minister then said, "I too found a bear along the river. I preached a stirring sermon about the fires of hell, eternal damnation and the joys of heaven. So moved was the bear that I took him into the river and baptized him there."
The rabbi, who was heavily bandaged and limping, said, "I found a bear and in retrospect, perhaps I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."
Wendell was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds... AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!"
The next morning Wendell got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift out in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought in the box, which she hoped contained a car key.
With a man soon to celebrate his 50th wedding anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Pete to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to maintain his marriage with the same woman all these years.
The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."
The minister inquired, "Trips to where"?
"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China." The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Pete."
Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary."
With a man soon to celebrate his 50th wedding anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Pete to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to maintain his marriage with the same woman all these years.
The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."
The minister inquired, "Trips to where"?
"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China." The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Pete."
Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary."
Wendell was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds... AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!"
The next morning Wendell got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift out in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought in the box, which she hoped contained a car key.
Everyone thinks that TIS is such a goody-goody.... click on that link (in her post above) and see if you still think that about TIS.
TIS - I'm blind now.... Thank you very much.
.
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Ha ha!! Didn't mean to blind you SC, but isn't that disgusting??? Someone at work e-mailed it to everyone today. Ha ha. The old broad has a lot of guts I'll say that. Along with the wrinkly saggy skin that is. Not a pretty sight.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife. I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany,Holland, Japan,India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozenglasses.."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, sa id, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise.
OK?" You want hors d'oeuv res, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs In blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... At the bar... you know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your fucking beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfucking snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?"
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man: I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample...
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: WHAT?
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man: I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample...
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: WHAT?
French joke: Little guy wants to join the Foreign Legion. Commandant tells him he's way too small. Little guy replies that he's tough, all heart--just set him a challenge and he'll do it. OK, says commandant, you have three tasks: --You got to smash this huge boulder into gravel with a hand hammer; --You got to break the arm of a gorilla we got in a cage here; --You got to get buggered by a sailor we're keeping in the brig. OK, says the little guy, I accept.
He goes out back and takes his little hammer to the huge boulder, and, within three hours, it's just a pile of gravel. Then he goes into the gorilla cage. There's about twenty minutes of howling and screaming. Then the little guy emerges, bloody and disheveled, and says, "OK, where's this sailor whose arm I'm supposed to break?"
two hunters are out in the woods, suddenly one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."
California was great (as always.) But that fantastic "California weather" I've grown to love over the years was suspiciously absent this year. The first few days were nice...but then the rain came, and it was pretty cloudy and chilly for the rest of the time.
But that didn't affect my having a good time. Oh no, not by a long shot!
I took some pictures...but um...I kinda left my digital camera in my girlfriend's car. And uh...she's kinda still in California.
I had a lay-over in Las Vegas...which was REALLY cool. It was night time when my plane arrived...you could literally see the city from 50 miles away! And there's slot machines IN THE AIRPORT! They're ready to take your money as soon as you get off the damned plane!
All in all...we had fun (as we always do). But my trips always have a bittersweet ending. It's never easy having to leave the one you love behind.
A duck walks into a bar and orders a pint. "That's two pounds, please," says the barman. "Cheers, put it on my bill."
----------------
A duck walks into a bar. "Got any bread?" "No," says the barman. "Got any bread?" "No." "Got any bread?" "For fuck's sake, I've just told you, no." "Got any bread?" "Listen, if you ask me that one more time, I'll nail your beak to the bar." "Got any nails?" "No." "Got any bread?"
A man walks into a bar with an octopus and announced, "I have the most talented octupus in the world. He can play any musical instrument superbly. I will give anyone a thousand dollars if he can't play an instrument.
A young lady said, "I have a trumpet. Let's see him play it."
The octupus wrapped a tentacle around the horn and began playing as well as Louie Armstrong. The patrons of the bar cheered.
The bartender said, "How about the piano over there." Immediately, the octopus was pounding the keys with all eight tentacles to create the the sweetest melodies those people ever heard.
Then a Scotsman pushed his way through the crowd and placed a set of bagpipes in front of the beast, and stated, "Let's see if the feller can handle me pipes."
The octopus wrapped the tentacles all over the instrument and rolled it around on the floor, but didn't play a note."
"Har, har, har," laughed the Scotsman as he watched the octopus struggle. "He can't play it!"
The octopus turned to him and said, "Play it? I'm going to f**k it as soon as I can figure out how to take its damn pajamas off."
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look.
He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?
"Very Well," said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter." *************** Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children?
She heard that one out of every four children born in the world was Chinese. *************** Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?
There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.
***************** A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.
He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."
************** A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.
The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.
As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."
"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."
**************** A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, "That's a thermos...it keeps some things hot and some things cold."
"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. "What do you have there?" he asked.
"Why, that's a thermos . it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.
Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"
The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee". *************** A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
******************
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though...How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?".
A ventriloquist was performing with his wooden dummy in a small night club. Sitting in a chair while holding the dummy, he would act as a straight man setting up blonde jokes while the dummy delivered the pointed punch lines. After several of these jokes, a blonde rose from the audience and yelled, "Enough is enough already! How dare you make these insulting cracks about blondes! For years we've endured the scorn and ridicule of guys like you who make baseless accusations that we blondes are stupid, and it's downright mean and hurtful! Your unjust stereotypes of our ability to think are demeaning and you're adding to our misery with your cruel performances, mister."
The ventriloquist was stunned, reflected for a second and said, "You're absolutely right. I'm truly sorry and prom-"
"Shut up, sir," she said, "I'm talking to the little bastard sitting on your knee."
> Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Man who run in front of car get tired. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Man who run behind car get exhausted. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok . > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Man with one chopstick go hungry. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Man who fart in church sit in own pew. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
A ventriloquist was performing with his wooden dummy in a small night club. Sitting in a chair while holding the dummy, he would act as a straight man setting up blonde jokes while the dummy delivered the pointed punch lines. After several of these jokes, a blonde rose from the audience and yelled, "Enough is enough already! How dare you make these insulting cracks about blondes! For years we've endured the scorn and ridicule of guys like you who make baseless accusations that we blondes are stupid, and it's downright mean and hurtful! Your unjust stereotypes of our ability to think are demeaning and you're adding to our misery with your cruel performances, mister."
The ventriloquist was stunned, reflected for a second and said, "You're absolutely right. I'm truly sorry and prom-"
"Shut up, sir," she said, "I'm talking to the little bastard sitting on your knee."
Young gal comes home to parents and announces that she's fallen in love with a very religious young man who's enrolled in a theological seminary, studying to be a clergyman and religious scholar. Her father's dubious, and wants to meet with the religious student before consenting to giving him his daughter's hand in marriage. So, daughter arranges for the pious lad to meet with her father at their home. Father says to young man: "How are you going to support my daughter?" Lad replies, "God will provide, God will provide..."
Father: "How will you put a roof over your heads, clothing on your backs, food on your table?" Lad: "God will provide, God will provide..."
Father: "And when children come into your lives, how will you provide for their needs?" Lad: "God will provide, God will provide..."
This goes on for over an hour--same type questions, same answer.
After the lad leaves, mother asks father how it went. "Well, it was the old bad news/good news routine," says Pop. "The bad news is that this kid hasn't got a clue about anything."
"And the good news?" asks Mom.
"The good news," replies Pop, "is that he thinks I'm God."
Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl.
At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.
They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.
"Watch and learn," answer the women.
When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.
The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."
Continuing in the vein of tickets and ticket-taking: Two guys want to go from NY to Pittsburg by train. First guy says he'll go to the counter and buy the tix. When he gets there, the clerk has her back turned to him. He ahems, and she turns around--and she's spectacularly endowed. "Yessssss..?" she says in a sultry voice. "Uh, uh, two pickets to titsburg," stammers the guy, who then turns red and dashes away without the tix.
His pal, annoyed, says he'll get the tix. Again the clerk's back is to him when he approaches, but she turns to him. "Yessss...?" she says. "Uh, uh, two pickets to titsburg," the guy stutters--and he walks away, redfaced and ticket-less.
The two guys are afraid they're never gonna get to Pittsburg. But just then, they spot a priest in clerical garb. They ask him if he'd do them a favor and buy their tickets. No problem, he says. They give him their money. He approaches the counter, and again the clerk's back is to him. She turns: "Yessss...?" The priest pipes right up: "Two tickets to Pittsburg," he says confidently. The woman takes the money, prints out the tickets and hands them to the priest. He starts walking away, then suddenly remembers that he needs change. So he walks back and says, "Oh, and by the way, can I get two nipples for a dime?"
Guy wealks into a bar and orders ten shots. Baretender pours them and the guy starts slamming them down one after another very quickly. After the 8th shot the bartender says,"Man, you're drinking those awfully fast." The customer replies "If you had what I have you'd be drinking them fast too." "What do you have?" the bartender asks. "Seventy five cents."
Clinton and the Pope are at a conference together and are both killed in a terrorist attack. Suddenly the Pope finds himself at the gates of Hell, and Clinton finds himself at the Gates of heaven.
The devil comes out and the Pope says, "This has to be some kind of mistake. I've lived a pious life, I have prayed every day,l and I have been a good priest and a good pope. The devil says that sometimes these things do go amok and he gets on the phone.
A few minutes go by and the Devil hangs up and says to the Pope, "you are right there was a mix-up. We're going to fix it right away. Suddenly the pope feels himself rising into heaven, and simultaneously Clinton finds himself heading downward. About halfway inbetween they see each other. The Pope shouts out to Clinton how sorry he is for this whole thing, but Clinton shrugs it off and basically says he figured this would happen. The pope says, "Thank you for your understanding, and just to let you know I'll put in a good word for you when I meet the Virgin Mary. "You're too late," Clinton says.
St. Peter had been working hard at the pearly gates when Jesus approached him, gave him the day off and said he would man the gates himself.
As he looked happily on the throngs of people entering the gates, he noticed a familiar old face in the distance. He couldn't believe his eyes as the old man in tattered garments drew near. Jesus walked to him and asked, "Old man, tell me, what is it that you seek?"
The old man, head bowed, replied, "I look for my son. In life -long ago- I was a simple carpenter, who had a son. A magnificent son. But he left me. He endured cruel treatment from wicked men, and I've searched forever for him."
Jesus hugged the old man and said, "Oh, Father!"
The old man embraced Jesus and exclaimed, "Pinocchio!"
Another guy-in-bar joke: Young Texan walks into a saloon and says in a drawl, "Uh, hey, barkeep: lemme have a dozen whiskey sours." Bartender starts setting them up and says, "Say, it sounds like you're celebrating something." "Yup," drawls the young Texan. "Ah jest had me muh first blow-job." "Well, that's really worth celebrating," says the bartender. "Tell you what--I'll throw in one on the house, make it a baker's dozen." "Naw," says the young Texan. "If twelve don't get the taste outta mah mouth, I'll jest go home and go to bed."
Another guy-in-bar joke: Young Texan walks into a saloon and says in a drawl, "Uh, hey, barkeep: lemme have a dozen whiskey sours." Bartender starts setting them up and says, "Say, it sounds like you're celebrating something." "Yup," drawls the young Texan. "Ah jest had me muh first blow-job." "Well, that's really worth celebrating," says the bartender. "Tell you what--I'll throw in one on the house, make it a baker's dozen." "Naw," says the young Texan. "If twelve don't get the taste outta mah mouth, I'll jest go home and go to bed."
St. Peter had been working hard at the pearly gates when Jesus approached him, gave him the day off and said he would man the gates himself.
As he looked happily on the throngs of people entering the gates, he noticed a familiar old face in the distance. He couldn't believe his eyes as the old man in tattered garments drew near. Jesus walked to him and asked, "Old man, tell me, what is it that you seek?"
The old man, head bowed, replied, "I look for my son. In life -long ago- I was a simple carpenter, who had a son. A magnificent son. But he left me. He endured cruel treatment from wicked men, and I've searched forever for him."
Jesus hugged the old man and said, "Oh, Father!"
The old man embraced Jesus and exclaimed, "Pinocchio!"
Originally Posted By: Turnbull
Another guy-in-bar joke: Young Texan walks into a saloon and says in a drawl, "Uh, hey, barkeep: lemme have a dozen whiskey sours." Bartender starts setting them up and says, "Say, it sounds like you're celebrating something." "Yup," drawls the young Texan. "Ah jest had me muh first blow-job." "Well, that's really worth celebrating," says the bartender. "Tell you what--I'll throw in one on the house, make it a baker's dozen." "Naw," says the young Texan. "If twelve don't get the taste outta mah mouth, I'll jest go home and go to bed."
Here's a funny one about dying and going to Heaven:
>> Two 90 year old men, Moe and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Moe visits him every day. One day Moe says, "Joe, we both loved baseball all our lives, and we played minor league ball together for so many years. Please do me one favor, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there."
Joe looks up at Moe from his death bed," Moe, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Moe is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Moe, Moe."
"Who is it?" asks Moe sitting up suddenly.
"Moe, it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's baseball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. And better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," says Moe. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"
At the golf course one day, an elderly man challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side.
"But," said the man, "since you're obviously much better than me, to even things up a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."
The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.
And off they went.
Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the old man $100.
"What happened?" asked one of the members.
"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the old SOB stuck his hand between my legs, grabbed my crotch and yelled 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
I read that in a book while sitting waiting for a dental appointment. By all accounts it is a fact. The queen laughed at Reagans response too, according to the book. But then, with Charles as a son, she has to have a sense of humour!
Originally Posted By: klydon1
This is apparently a true story although it reads as a joke would.
When Ronald Reagan was president, he was either visiting or being visited by Queen Elizabeth. They and some others were horseback riding when the Queen's horse suddenly and loudly passed gas. Embarrassed, the Queen said, "I'm so sorry, Mr. President." Reagan replied, "If you hadn't said anything, I'd have sworn it was the horse."
Maybe someone can validate the story. I recall the Queen once visiting him in California.
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do . The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul.
As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory"! I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.
I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
At the golf course one day, an elderly man challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side.
"But," said the man, "since you're obviously much better than me, to even things up a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."
The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.
And off they went.
Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the old man $100.
"What happened?" asked one of the members.
"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the old SOB stuck his hand between my legs, grabbed my crotch and yelled 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
Another golf story.
The same four guys had been paying every Saturday for nearly twenty years. One day on the eighteenth hole, as one of the foursome was about to putt, he could see a distant street where there was a procession of black cars, led by a hearse. The guy paused, tipped his hat, and then putted out. At the 19th hole one of the other guys said "That was really considerate of you showing respect for the dead like that." The other guy said, "Its the least I could do. After all she was a wonderdul wife."
Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Blondes," and he banished her to hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Booboo," and he banished her to hell.
The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder.
St. Peter said, Verrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder, and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though...How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?".
Believe it or not... But this is true... My company issued cellphones to all the salespeople. One day one of the guys, Patrick, didnt show up for a meeting. I rang his cellphone and he answered. "Do you like your job? Why aren't you at my meeting?" I asked
And he replied... "How did you know I was in the pub?"
That is funny. I have even a better one, that is also a true story. I only hesitate because I feel like I'm making fun of my mother, but yet was hilarious.
Keep in mind, this was probably in the 1950's, when most, or not many women drove. My mother was probably in her 30's or so when she first got her driver's license. My father taught her and practiced driving with her, etc. I guess I'm implying things "were different" (in defense of my mother).
Anyway, mom finally got her license and was glad to be able to go to the grocery store and run errands, etc. One day, at the dinner table, which was always family time and we'd discuss the day, more or less. My mother tells my father that she went shopping and it started to rain. She said it was pouring so hard that she couldn't see and had to pull over until it let up. My father says, "didn't you turn on the wipers?" My mother gets an embarrassed look and puts her hands to her head and says, "I never thought of it." I admit, we all laughed for quite a while. Even mom laughed at herself.
That is funny. I have even a better one, that is also a true story. I only hesitate because I feel like I'm making fun of my mother, but yet was hilarious.
Keep in mind, this was probably in the 1950's, when most, or not many women drove. My mother was probably in her 30's or so when she first got her driver's license. My father taught her and practiced driving with her, etc. I guess I'm implying things "were different" (in defense of my mother).
Anyway, mom finally got her license and was glad to be able to go to the grocery store and run errands, etc. One day, at the dinner table, which was always family time and we'd discuss the day, more or less. My mother tells my father that she went shopping and it started to rain. She said it was pouring so hard that she couldn't see and had to pull over until it let up. My father says, "didn't you turn on the wipers?" My mother gets an embarrassed look and puts her hands to her head and says, "I never thought of it." I admit, we all laughed for quite a while. Even mom laughed at herself.
TIS
That is so funny and God Bless your Ma! On the subject of Mothers...
I have a pal we call Prints. When you say his name it sounds like Prince but we call him Prints because he used to be a burglar (before he knew better, cough!) and didnt wear gloves. He got caught, had his dabs taken and continued to not wear gloves. Doh! He left so much DNA behind that the British Museum could have made a replica of him! His Mother had an electronic carving knife which she used for six months without putting a plug on it. Her excuse was that it was sharper than anything else. I remember going there for sunday dinner and thinking, "Wow, that carving knife is really quiet!"
When I was in law school, some of us, whose lived a good distance from the school, remained in Boston for Thanksgiving. A girl in my class invited about 10 of us over for dinner because she said she had a 22 lb turkey that could feed an army.
We all arrived, as told, between 2:00 and 2:30 PM. When the last guest arrived, the girl said, "Good. Now I'll take the turkey out of the freezer."
We thought she was joking, but when I saw her holding the wrapped Butterball, I couldn't believe it. Then again, I should have known because I had been there 15 minutes and didn't smell the turkey cooking.
That's great Klydon!! Thank goodness for take-out food at times like those.
Reminds me of another: Some years back when in the office I worked, my boss came in and tells everyone that he's quitting smoking...cold turkey.
A co-worker who was not originally from the US called me aside and said, "Does he really smoke cold turkey?" I explained what the term meant and she laughed at herself and I couldn't help but join in. I suppose an even more appropriate question would have been, "Why would anyone want to smoke cold turkey?"
Well, speaking of quitting smoking "cold turkey," let me post a true tale of why I quit (cold turkey), and why it was funny:
I used to smoke a pipe--three bowls of tobacco a day total (on and off during the day). I was pretty content with that amount, in fact I usually didn't finish all three bowls. Then I decided to cut back to 1.5 bowls a day. Uh-oh! I was over my "threshold of craving." Addict behavior set in/ I'd leave conferences every 10 or 15 minutes to get a drag or two on my pipe, open windows and smoke out the window--crazy addict stuff.
One day I was in a conference room at one of my employer's big complexes. I ran out of the room to light up. I didn't notice that I lit up right under a smoke detector. BLAM-BLAM-BLAM!! The alarms went off in all three buildings, and in five minutes, four thousand employees were out on the street, awaiting the disposition of this "emergency." Meanwhile, I'm outside with the rest, trying to conceal the pipe in my pocket. When we were allowed inside (after 25 minutes), two maintenance men were on a ladder outside the door to our conference room. One of them was muttering, "Musta been someone smokin' a cigarette here..." That's when I decided to quit.
Whats all this about Disneyland being closed by health inspectors??? They found a six-foot mouse in the kitchens!!
Haven't heard that story!! It's been years since I've been to Disneyland, but I was always amazed at how clean they kept the grounds, considering how many people walk through every day. If true, I guess you never know.
TIS
Or....is this a joke? Ok, it's early! "Six foot" mouse?? I get it.
A blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.
The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with complete Instructions."
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions!"
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise nothing happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."
So, she calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over."
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says, "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes :
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note:
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him:
"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"
A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. "Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."
He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."
Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take no crap off nobody!"
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"
Not sure if this has been here before, but I loved it:
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
A masked man walks into a sperm bank, pulls out a gun, and tells the secretary that it's a stick up and to open the safe.
The secretary replies, "You idiot, this is a sperm bank, there's no money in here!!"
The masked man tells her that if she does not open the safe he will shoot her on the spot. Reluctantly, she opens the safe and stands back. There in the open safe are two vials of sperm.
The robber points his gun at the two vials and orders the secretary to drink them both, telling her that if she refuses then he will blow her head off.
As she finishes drinking the second vial the robber takes off his mask. There stands her husband with a huge grin on his face!!
"See Honey", he says. "that didn't kill you, did it?!"
A cardiologist died, and was given a funeral service where his casket was placed in front of a large, decorated heart. After the eulogy the heart opened and the casket slipped inside the heart, after which the giant heart closed again.
At that moment the service was interrupted by laughter from a man in one of the rear pews. He said, "I'm sorry, but I'm a gynecologist and was just thinking what my funeral will be like."
A bum gets on a bus, drunk as a skunk. He sees a nun sitting at the back and staggers over and sits next to her.
"Wow!" he slurred. "What a beauty you are! Get that habit off so I can shag you!"
The bus conductor walks up and drags the bum away. "That's Sister Mary", he explains. "She rides this bus every day. You can't talk to her like that, she's a fucking nun!"
"Yeah, but she's the finest piece of ass I've ever seen. I want her" replied the bum.
"Okay", says the bus conductor. "You didn't hear this from me, but if you go to the graveyard on Wednesday at midnight, you'll see her by one of the graves praying for the Holy Ghost." The bum thanks the conductor and anxiously waits for Wednesday night. During that time, he finds a discarded white sheet and cuts two holes in it. On Wednesday at midnight, he walks into the graveyard and sure enough, there's the nun praying at a grave for the Holy Ghost.
"WOOOOOO!", cried the bum, trying to be as ghostlike as he can. "I am the Holy Ghost and I want my way with you!"
The nun looks up and is disappointed. "Oh. There you are. Well, trust you to appear at the wrong time of the month. You'll have to take me fom behind."
So as you can all imagine, a lot of in, a lot of out, and even more shaking it all about ensues. Afterwards the bum throws off the sheet and shouts "HA HA! I'm the bum on the bus!"
The nun throws off her habit and shouts "HA HA! I'm the fucking bus conductor!"
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread and beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of dat dere 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it."
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over two years, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...
It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very short skirts, and generally provocative clothing.
She would regularly bend down whenever she was near me, and do all she could to deliver a revealing view my way. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her younger sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a dash straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all of them clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
A colonel in the French Foreign Legion was given command of an isolated outpost in the middle of the desert.
On his first day, he had his sergeant show him around. He noticed that there was a solitary camel tied up behind the enlisted men's barracks. "Sergeant," said the colonel, "what is that camel doing there?"
"Well sir," came the reply, "the men are out here in the desert for so long, and they have no companionship of any kind. Every once in awhile they get certain natural urges. That's when we make use of the camel."
The colonel was surprised to hear this, but decided that in the interest of morale it would be best to let the camel stay.
Some months later, the colonel felt certain urges of his own that could not be supressed, try as he might. He ordered the sergeant to bring the camel to his quarters. Once there, the colonel set upon the beast with lusty vigor.
After the deed was done, the colonel saw that the sergeant was still standing at attention in the doorway - in his haste he had neglected to dismiss him.
"Well, sergeant," said the colonel, trying to appear as dignified as possible under the somewhat awkward circumstances, "isn't that the way the men usually do it?"
"Not exactly, sir," came the reply. "They usually ride her to the brothel in the nearest village."
I heard a variation of that one a few years ago but that one is funnier.
A rich guy and a working class guy are drinking at a bar.
The rich guy says "I bought my wife a Mercedes yesterday, and a Rolls Royce. The Mercedes to use around town for shopping, and Rolls Royce to go to high society functions and places like that.
The working class guy says "I bought my wife a pair of carpet slippers and a vibrator."
"Oh yes?" asked the rich man.
"Yeah," confirmed the working class guy. "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said,"Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." "How soon can I go home?"
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws." The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
Closing sermon words A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
Middle aged man is driving his car along a country road when he spots a police car roaring up behind him, lights flashing, siren shrieking. He pulls over. The cop runs over to him and says, "Hey, your wife fell outta the car more than ten miles back." "Oh, thank goodness!" the guy replies. "I thought I was going deaf."
Middle aged man is driving his car along a country road when he spots a police car roaring up behind him, lights flashing, siren shrieking. He pulls over. The cop runs over to him and says, "Hey, your wife fell outta the car more than ten miles back." "Oh, thank goodness!" the guy replies. "I thought I was going deaf."
Here's one I just received in my e-mail:
BLACK PANTIES
Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies: "Mum! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Cat skills. Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties; he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?"
She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario.
She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit, except that he is wearing a black condom.
She looks at him and asks: "What's with the black condom?"
He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
Bloke out walking his dog. The dog casts a look up at his owner, and the owner lets it off its leash. It runs up to a wall, puts its paws on it, flattens itself against the wall and takes a piss.
A man walking past observes this and remarks "Bloody hell, that's amazing!"
"Aye", replied the dog's owner. "He's been that way ever since the garden wall fell on him."
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?.
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."
Penguin is driving his car on a very hot day when he notices steam coming from under his hood. He pulls into the first gas station he spots and asks the mechanic to take a look. Mechanic tells the penguin he'll need about a half-hour to diagnose the problem. The penguin spots a Ben & Jerry's ice cream store down the block. Hot and tired, the penguin waddles off to get a big ice cream cone. After a while, he waddles back to the gas station, licking his cone, to inquire about the problem with his car. "Looks like you blew a seal," the mechanic says. "Naw," replies the penguin, "it's just the damn ice cream melting."
A guy walking down the street, decides to drop into his local pub. He opens the door, steps inside and slips on a pile of dogshit in the doorway. After overcoming the understandable wave of embarrassment at everyone's stares, he walks to the bar, orders a pint of beer, sits down and starts supping it.
The door opens once again and a big hulk-built-like-a-brick-shithouse muscleman walks in and slips on the same pile of shit.
For some reason, SC's post in the "This Day in History Thread" reminded me of this:
Jesus came upon a mob of people and realized a loud commotion was taking place. "My brothers and sisters," He said. "What is all this about?"
A man answered, "Rabbi, this woman is a sinner. We must stone her."
Jesus stood before the crowd, lifted his arms, and replied in a firm voice, "Let anyone without sin cast the first stone."
At that moment a brick came flying from the crowd and hit Jesus squarely in the head. Rubbing His head, Jesus said, "You know, Mom, sometimes you really make Me mad."
A bloke is on trial in court. The judge says to him, "You are charged with battering your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom shouts "You lousy bastard!"
The judge continues, "You are also charged with battering your daughter to death with a hammer."
The same voice from the back shouts "You complete shithouse!"
The judge says to the heckler, "Well, this can't go on. Come here! I can understand you being upset about this case, but any more outbursts and I shall find you in contempt of court. Now what's the idea?"
The heckler says "Well, your honour, I lived next door to this bastard for twenty years. Every time I asked him if I could borrow a hammer, he said he hadn't fucking got one!"
Okay, are you in the mood for a pretty lame joke? The best I can come up with right now.
The Frog
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, " There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
Paul, that's a good one. You know the one with the piece of paper that says, How do you keep an idiot busy for hours? Read other side. Then, on the other side, it says the exact same thing.
So, my husband's in a meeting that was held by the CIO and other senior management of his company, right after massive layoffs and outsourcing in the IT Dept. This was supposed to raise the morale of the workers that were left, and the officers of the company told them that any questions could be written on the index cards handed out and submitted anonymously.
Jokingly, my husband took his card and wrote, "How do you keep a CIO busy for hours? Read other side" on both sides of his card. Well, somehow, one of his co-workers inadvertently started to pass it up to be read. My husband almost turned into a contortionist to get that card back!
Since SC posted a Russian joke: It's the early days of post-USSR Russia, and Boris Yeltsin has summoned Fidel Castro to Moscow for a meeting. "Fidel," he shouts, "Communism is dead. Capitalism is in. You got to get with the program..."
Castro's got a hangdog expression, bowing his head while Yeltsin lectures. He notices that his Soviet Army-issue boots are in tatters. He pipes back, bravely: "Boris, you lecture me on capitalism vs. Communism? Your damn country can't even make a decent pair of boots!"
"Bulls**t!" shouts, Yeltsin, his face purpling. "Russians make the finest boots in the world." He opens his desk drawer and takes out a gun. "Here, Fidel," he shouts. "You can search high and low throughout Moscow. If you find one person in bad shoes, I give you permission to shoot him!"
Castro walks for hours through Moscow, looking at people's feet, banging into lightposts, bumping into cars. Finally, at twilight, he stumbles, all done in, onto a park bench. He notices a bum sleeping on the bench, his face and torso covered by newspapers. The guy is wearing the rattiest pair of tennis sneakers Castro's ever seen. "Aha!" he says, regaining his confidence. "Just what I was looking for!" He whips out the gun, shoots the bum, and returns, exhausted, to his hotel room and promptly falls asleep.
The next morning, an aide brings him the newspaper. The headline reads: "Cuban Ambassador Assassinated by Bearded Madman."
The headless horseman is riding on his horse, holding his head underneath his arm through the woods one day. His horse stumbles a little, causing the horseman to lose the head, and it rolls down a hill. Somewhere off in the distance someone could hear the faint sound of singing. It was the horseman's head singing, "I ain't got no booooooooooddddddddddddy".
Man takes his kids to the zoo. they are standing next to the Gorilla compound when the father throws a grape at the gorilla. the gorilla picks it up, looks at it, sticks it up its ass, takes it out and then eats it. the man is horrified. He tries another grape. Same thing. Gorilla picks it up, sticks it up its ass, takes it out and then eats it. The Zoo keeper comes walking along and the man says, 'Whats the matter with this gorilla? He's disgusting. I threw him a grape and he sticks it up his ass before he eats it!" "Harry the Gorilla is very clever sir," Says the Keeper. "Someone threw a peach in there once and he couldnt shit the stone out....now he tests everything!"
So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
I met the person who invented Tippex the other day, I said "You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong".
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
I visited the offices of the local Animal pound today. It's so tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
Though this is not by any means a competition, Dave Moore's jokes are the ones that've made me last most. That monkey and custard one had me fucking creased.
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" And out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs,and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
KIDS IN CHURCH 3-year-old Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
KIDS IN CHURCH 3-year-old Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
Those quips remind me when my oldest was small and he would say, "Give us this day, our jelly bread,..."
He would end it with, "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from Eagles. Amen"
As a Steeler fan, I didn't correct him.
He also told his CCD teacher that he was Catholic, not Christian. That one cracked up the monsignor.
1. Don't let worry kill you - let the church help. 2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed accompanied by the pastor."
9. Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
16. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
17. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
18. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
19. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.
20. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
21. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
22. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7p.m. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
23. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
24. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
25. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
26. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
27. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
28. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
29. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
30. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
31. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
32. Evening massage - 6 p.m.
33. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
34. Ushers will eat latecomers.
35. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
36. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
37. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
38. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
39. Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
40. Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
41. The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
42. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
43. 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
44. Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
45. Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"
46. (During the minister's illness) GOD IS GOOD. Dr. Hargreaves is better.
47. The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
48. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
50. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
51. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
52. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
53. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
54. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
55. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
56. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
57. The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.
58. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
59. Youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
60. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
61. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
62. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
63. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
64. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies "O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own." After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black" "Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black." "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair." "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?" "Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes." "Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice." At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank fuck for that !" "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked. "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"
A guy pulls out of his driveway and slams straight into the side of a passing car. He gets out and watches as a dwarf gets out of the passing car. The dwarf walks over and says. "I ain't happy!" the guy says, "Which one are you then?"
The Pope's riding through the streets of Rome in his bubbletop limo when he notices that his chauffeur is yawning. "What's the matter, Giovanni, are you tired?" he asks. "Oh, I'm ok, Your Holiness," the driver answers. "If you're tired, get in the back and I'll drive," says the Pope. "But, Your Holiness, it's my job..." protests Giovanni. The Pope's voice turns hard: "Giovanni, whose car is this?? Now, get in the back!"
The Pope gets behind the wheel and he's having a grand old time. But he's never driven before, so he drives on sidewalks, knocks over garbage cans, etc. A Rome police car pulls him over and hands out several moving citations. Just as the Popemobile pulls away, another Rome police car pulls up behind the first one. "That's some car," says the second cop to the first. "Whose is it?" "I dunno," says the first cop. "But he must be important--the Pope's driving him."
The Pope's riding through the streets of Rome in his bubbletop limo when he notices that his chauffeur is yawning. "What's the matter, Giovanni, are you tired?" he asks. "Oh, I'm ok, Your Holiness," the driver answers. "If you're tired, get in the back and I'll drive," says the Pope. "But, Your Holiness, it's my job..." protests Giovanni. The Pope's voice turns hard: "Giovanni, whose car is this?? Now, get in the back!"
The Pope gets behind the wheel and he's having a grand old time. But he's never driven before, so he drives on sidewalks, knocks over garbage cans, etc. A Rome police car pulls him over and hands out several moving citations. Just as the Popemobile pulls away, another Rome police car pulls up behind the first one. "That's some car," says the second cop to the first. "Whose is it?" "I dunno," says the first cop. "But he must be important--the Pope's driving him."
Ladies, aren't we all guilty of at least one or two of these?
Nine words women use...
1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in "fine".
4.)Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint.Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying *$@*#&%!
9.) Don' t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
This reminds me of a true story, and looking back on it after nearly forty years, one that I'm not particularly proud of:
In my teenage years, my mother and I were having one of our all-too-frequent violent verbal arguments. I don't remember what triggered it, but at one point I yelled that unless she stopped I was going to throw the glass coffee carafe out the second-floor kitchen window. "Go ahead," she screamed back at me. "I want to see you do that!"
Nice. Now that takes balls. But I'm disappointed it was merely verbal. I beat my mother often. I think every mother should be beaten up by their strong, masculine son at least once a week. How else are we boys going to a) prove we are men, and b) vent our teenage angst?
Nice. Now that takes balls. But I'm disappointed it was merely verbal. I beat my mother often. I think every mother should be beaten up by their strong, masculine son at least once a week. How else are we boys going to a) prove we are men, and b) vent our teenage angst?
Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked....
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M. , flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. ***A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER***
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering human kind please share these with your friends and family... unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
Those are great OWTG! I have heard a few of them before, but it's amazing isn't it? I, for one, would be particularly pissed off after shoveling that snow only to have someone else take my spot.
This is kind of funny"
Subject: Grandmothers Don't Know Everything!
Little Tony was staying with his Grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when 2 people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken back, but she decided to just tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling"
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you."
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
Very funny list. This, as you all probably know, still constitutes armed robbery.
The Darwin Awards are my favorite! Usually they involve liquor, guns and at least 3 men, though! No offense!!
The one about the boy with the head injuries from being hit by a train reminds me of a man that Mr. Babe used to work with. The man had a prosthetic arm. Turns out that the guy used to walk to work, taking a shortcut along the train tracks. He would carry his boombox on his shoulder and listen to music on the walk in to work. Well, needless to say, with the boombox blasting away in his ear, he didn't hear the train's warning whistle, and the next thing he knew....
This magician performs on a cruise ship. The captain of the cruise ship has a parrot that he likes to take to all the shows. The parrot knows the routine, so during every performance her blurts out, "It's up his sleeve. ". "It's in his shoe". "It's in his hat".
The magician has finally had enough and takes out his gun to shoot the parrot. The bird ducks, and the bullet hits a propane gas tank, causing the ship to blow up into a hundred pieces. The only two to survive are the magician and the parrot. They're drifting along on two small pieces of wood when the parrot says, "I give up. Where the hell's the ship".
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up along side the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?) "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. "I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
A man buys a parrot and takes her home. Not 5 minutes after he gets home with his bird and puts her in her cage she starts saying, "I'm a slut". This goes on constantly, and he gets quite embarrassed when he has visitors over. After a few days he goes to his local priest wondering if he'll have advice for him.
The priest says he also keeps 2 parrots in his office. His birds hear him say his prayers, and feels maybe his birds will be a good influence on his verbally challenged bird. The man is out of options and decides to give it a shot.
The man brings his parrot in, and the priest leaves Polly alone with his two birds as they're saying their prayers out loud. Within 5 minutes Polly starts saying, "I'm a slut. I'm a slut". One of the priest's parrots chirps to his brother, "Peter, put down your rosary beads and bible. Our prayers have been answered".
A vampire bat fliesup to his pals with blood all over his face! "where did you get all that blood from?" they all ask hungrily! "Follow me" the bat says. So they all fly off,over the river and the lake and the hill,past the spooky castle and into the great,dark wood until they finally stop in a murky clearing. "Do you see that giant tree over there?" asks the bat pointing to a giant oak on the edge of the clearing. "Yes,yes,yes" they all chant. "Well i fuckin did'nt" he says......
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five- day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
Received this today. I find it very funny and I'm sure you guys will too.
Finally! The Guys' Side of the Story We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
2. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
3. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
4. Crying is blackmail.
5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question
7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
8. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
9. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
10. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
11. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
12. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
13. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
14. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
15. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
16. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Aubergine is a vegetable. We have no idea what mauve is.
17. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
18. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
19. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
20. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
21. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
22. You have enough clothes.
23. You have too many shoes.
24. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
25. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
You might not have known this, but many non-living objects are actually either male or female.
Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons. TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated. HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also, a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt. SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water. WEB PAGES: Female, because they are constantly being looked at and frequently being hit on. TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people. EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom. HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around. THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he would be lost without it, and while he does not always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
When I first started dating my husband he had an apartment. He had exactly one plate, one fork and one glass. He says, "that's all I need."
TIS
I can't say anthing to that. I'd probably be the same way. That's less dishes to wash.
I had to go to the store and buy more spoons because I think we were literally down to 2 spoons, so we both couldn't eat soup if someone already ate cereal..haha.
When I first started dating my husband he had an apartment. He had exactly one plate, one fork and one glass. He says, "that's all I need."
TIS
When I moved into my first apartment in 1986, I had two bowls (one of which I still have and use to this day). My mother thought I was nuts when I scoffed at her suggestion that I needed a set of silverware - 8 forks, knives and spoons. I had packed one of each.
An asylum seeker is sitting next to the road side eating grass! A driver pulls over and says "Stop! Don't eat that. Come home with me" The asylum seeker says "But Sir,i have 4 wives and 17 children. Can i bring them along too?" "Fuck off", the driver says,"my lawn is'nt that big".
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." --Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that.
It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey
4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"--Paula Poundstone
8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh" --Conan O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."--Lynda Montgomery
10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni
11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."--Johnny Carson
12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez
13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida , but they turned sixty and that's the law" --Jerry Seinfeld
14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson
15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde
16) "Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress.. But I repeat myself" --Mark Twain
17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown
18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says,
'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry
19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased
20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer." - W. C. Fields
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she to ok the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, 'Business trip or pleasure?'
She turned, smiled, and said, 'Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.'
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'
'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'
'Really?' he said. 'And what kind of myths are there?'
'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.'
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said, 'I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.'
'Tonto,' the man said, 'Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.'
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making Love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce!
And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."
The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Convent of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent convent . You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the convent for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words"
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "we will get you a better bed" After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest, " You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. On her 15th anniversary at the convent , the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine. "It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."
A married woman passes away. At the funeral home, as the pallbearers are rolling the casket out the door, they bang into a wall. They hear a grunt, and miracle of miracles, the deceased has come back to life.
Ten years later she dies again. As they're preparing to leave the funeral home, her husband says to the pallbearers, "watch out for that fucking wall!"
Two dogs are sitting together in a vet's waiting room. First dog asks the second dog, "What are you here for?" Second dog replies, "It's the end...my mistress has a little one-year-old. The kid was eating a cookie the other day. I was hungry and I couldn't help myself, so I snatched it from her hand, and my teeth cut her--they're gonna put me down! What're you here for?"
First dog replies: "Yesterday, my mistress was takin' a shower upstairs. I wandered into the bathroom, and I caught a glimpse of her steppin' outta the shower. Hoo-eee! I got hot, and next thing you know, I humped her." "Sounds like curtains for you," said the second dog. "Nah," said the first dog, "She just wants the doc to cut my nails."
Farmer's wife says to her husband, "why can't you be more like our bull. I've watched and he has sex about 200 times a year." The husband says, "That may be true, but he does it with different cows."
*I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
* A thief fell in wet cement. And broke his leg . He became a hardened criminal.
* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
* We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U C L A.
* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)
* A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
* A backward poet writes inverse.
* In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
* A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
* If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
* With each marriage she got a new name and a dress.
* Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
* When a clock is really hungry it goes back four seconds.
* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
* You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
* He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
* A calendar's days are numbered.
* A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
* A boiled egg is hard to beat.
* He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
* A plateau is a high form of flattery.
* When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
* When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
* Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
* Acupuncture: a jab well done.
* And finally, there was the person who sent forty-two different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them. Laugh. No pun in ten did.
I received this as an e-mail titled "Red Skelton or Henny Youngman" Some are really funny!!
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas .
3. I take my wife everywhere..... but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
I think it's mixed quotes/jokes from both comedians. Many of them do sound like Yougmen though. We tend to forget how funny some of those one-liners were.
A dumb guy walks into a pizzeria, he says "gimme a large pie." The counter man says, "would like that cut into 6 pieces or 12." The dumb guy says "you better make it 12, I'm hungry today."
Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to call the Oval Office.
"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the Salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of Pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blondes seems to have a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches." "Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very Small - what room are they for?" The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, but they Are for her computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, "But miss, computers do not Need curtains!" The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows!"
One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch........ ....... ....... ....... ....... ....... ....... ....... ....... ....... ....... ....... ....... ....... ....... ....... ....... ....... ....... ....... ....... ....... ....... ....... ....... But this was a long time ago.....
"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.
The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.
"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the Redneck...
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts: Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food! The panda yells back: Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up! The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: (A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.)
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square." The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square." "Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure." The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. She's dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy T-shirt with holes in it and wearing flip-flops exposing her crackedand filthy toenails.
When she yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth with more than a few missing.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no theyain't! The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why thehell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"
"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe someone wouldhave had sex with you twice."
[color:#000099]An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!' The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good Morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,'You try again.'
The man tells his doctor that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past 7 months. The physician tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.
When the wife comes to office, the doctor asks her why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband any more.
"For the last 7 months," the wife replies, "every morning I take a cab to work. I don't make much money and my husband doesn't give more than bus fare, so the cab driver always asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' I always give him an 'or what'. That makes me late to work I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to dock your salary, or what?' That's another 'or what.' On the way home, I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' And, again, I do an 'or what'. So you see, Doctor, when I get home I'm all tired out and I don't want sex any more."
The doctor thinks for a second. "So," he says, "are we going to tell your husband or what?"
Young woman falls in love with a young, fundamentalist man who spends all his time reading the Bible and is scraping by to go to divinity school. He wants the gal's father's permission to marry his daughter. So he comes over one night, and has a heart-to-heart talk with his prospective father in law: "How do you intend to put a roof over my daughter's head?" asks Dad. "God will provide," replies the young man. "And when children come along, how will you provide for them?" asks Dad. "God will provide," the young man replies. "What about sickness? Can you afford to pay doctor and hospital bills," Dad persists. "God will provide," the young man says again.
After about an hour of this, the young man leaves. Mom asks Dad how it went. "Well, it's the old bad news/good news routine," Dad answers. The bad news is that the kid doesn't have a penny, or a clue." "And the good news?" Mom asks. "The good news is that he thinks I'm God."
Little boy crying in the local store. Man says to him "What's up son?" The little boy replies "I cant find mummy" The man says "What's mummy like?" And the boy replies "Big cocks and Miller lite".
an London girl was in a car crash in NY city paramedics came dragged her out noticed she was hurt and bleeding... he asked "where ya bleeding from " She replied, “I’m from North London!”
Two prostitutes from essex were standing on a street corner. One says to the other, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the tits!"
Little johhny is in his sewing class when he catches his finger on the needle and starts crying. "whats up Johnny"? asks the teacher. "Can i have a glass of cider"? "Why" asks the curious teacher. "Cause everytime mummy gets a prick in her hand,she puts it inside her"
Was in an Indian restaurant the other night and the waiter came over and asked "Curry Okay" I said "Oh go on then, just one song then fuck off"
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.
Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin. And Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts,it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
>Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. “Hello?”
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
“Yes," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, “No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" “Yes."
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered,”No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
“Yes," whispered the child, “a policeman ".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
“No, he's busy ", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
“A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "Me!”
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?" Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him & loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your cock is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!" The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.
The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.
The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."
''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."
The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''
Two teenage boys are lined up for confession. The first one goes in and the second one hears the priest yelling at the other kid. Five minutes go by and the first kid comes out all flushed and nervous. "What happened in there?" the second boy asks. "I confessed that I had some pictures of naked women in my room, and Father O'Malley says I have to say an entire rosary for penance."
"Wow, that's harsh. I wonder wht he gives for a blow job?"
The first boy says "Ten dollars and an ice cream cone."
Two teenage boys are lined up for confession. The first one goes in and the second one hears the priest yelling at the other kid. Five minutes go by and the first kid comes out all flushed and nervous. "What happened in there?" the second boy asks. "I confessed that I had some pictures of naked women in my room, and Father O'Malley says I have to say an entire rosary for penance."
"Wow, that's harsh. I wonder wht he gives for a blow job?"
The first boy says "Ten dollars and an ice cream cone."
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered to form a real word. Some are terrifically innovative:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people, that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The Bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
12. Glibido: All talk and no action.
13. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
14. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the lot:
17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
The same four guys play golf every saturday for twenty years. One afternoon on the eighteenth hole, they can see the road, and there is a funeral procession going by. One of the golfers pauses, and tips his cap towartd the procession. Later at the 19th hole over drinks one of the other golfers tells the guy that he thought it was a nice gesture tipping his hat. The reply was, "Well, that's the least I can do...that was my wife's funeral."
The same four guys play golf every saturday for twenty years. One afternoon on the eighteenth hole, they can see the road, and there is a funeral procession going by. One of the golfers pauses, and tips his cap towartd the procession. Later at the 19th hole over drinks one of the other golfers tells the guy that he thought it was a nice gesture tipping his hat. The reply was, "Well, that's the least I can do...that was my wife's funeral."
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
Quite a while back, a Peace Corps volunteer was sent to a remote area in Africa to work with local villages, particularly, to help the people master English.
One day, as the volunteer and the tribal chief were walking through the countryside, the chief was practicing this new language. The young man pointed to running water, and the chief said, "That is a stream." When he noticed a group of youngsters having fun, he said, "Children are playing." And so it went.
When the two reached a secluded spot they came upon a man and woman in the throes of passion under a large tree. The chief turned to the volunteer with a puzzled look. "Er...man riding bicycle!" said the flustered Peace Corps worker.
Suddenly the chief hurled his spear toward the pair and immediately killed the man.
Pat and Mike went on a trip to Nova Scotia to hunt moose. They chartered the trip where they would be flown to a remote location, shoot their moose, and contact the guide, who flies back, loads the moose, and flies them back to civilization.
After a full day of hunting, the pair had shot six moose, and contacted their guide, who flew promptly to their location. The guide looked at the six moose and told Pat and Mike, "Sorry fellas. There is a two moose limit per person. I don't have room in my plane for six moose, two passengers and myself."
The hunters were insisting that they be allowed to leave with the six dead moose. Pat said, "Come on. Last year Mike and I shot six moose and we were able to fit them in the plane>" Mike added, "And the plane was no bigger than yours."
The pair was so persistent that the guide relented. As the three men struggled to squeeze the beasts into the plane, the guide kept saying,"It's just not safe." After much labor six dead moose, two hunters and a guide were jammed into the plane that slowly took off over miles of forests. With the weight of six moose the plane sputtered and swayued. After a few minutes, the engine choked, and the plane nosedived and plunged into the side of the a mountain.
Pat and Mike struggled out of the wreckage with the guide. Pat asked, "Do you know where we are?"
Mike replied, "Not far from where we crashed last year."
A woman in the kitchen is making breakfast. Her husband enters the room and is stands right behind her. "Watch out, its too hot, put more butter in there, you never use enough butter....put some salt in it....more salt... and pepper...you are stirring it all wrong, your going to break them!"
Exasperated, the wife says "why are you carrying on like this? Don't you think after all these years I don;t know how to fry eggs?"
He replies "I know you can fry eggs, but I just wanted to make you feel the way I feel when I am driving."
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
A wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the Halloween party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to his car and made passionate love in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?' He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.' You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life.
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child thel gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay'she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us. 'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?' The little girl replied, 'I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' sheet rock...'
1. Sag, you're It. 2. Hide and go pee. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 4. Kick the bucket 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 6. Musical recliners. 7. Simon says something incoherent. 8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. 2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them. 3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today. 4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. 5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
Thoughts for the week:
1. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?
2. Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
3. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
4. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
But Most of All, Remember. . .
5. A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra: Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Great list.
This is the one that hit home with me. I must have 6 or 7 rolls of duct tape in my house. When I need it, I can't find it, but after I buy a new roll, I'l come across a few rolls in the house.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right." Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?
And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.
Maid answers: Hello? Tough Mafioso: Put my wife on the phone. Maid: Just a minute. Maid comes back after a minute: I'm sorry but she's indisposed in the bathroom. Tough Mafioso: I said put her on the phone. Now! Maid stutters: She, she can't come to the phone right now. Tough Mafioso: If you don't get her on the phone in two seconds I'm gonna come over there and pull your jaw from your face. Maid stutters: You, you don't understand, she's in there with another man. Tough Mafioso: What!?! Maid: Yeah. Tough Mafioso: Listen, this is what I want you to do, I want you to shoot them both dead and then get rid of the gun. Maid stutters: I, I can't do that, I can't shoot anybody. Tough Mafioso: You do it Now! Maid stutters: I, I can't! Tough Mafioso: If you don't do it right now I'm gonna kill you and your whole family. Go do it now! I wanna hear the shots. Maid: Ok.
The tough mafioso hears two loud shots over the phone.
Maid stutters: I did it. Tough Mafioso: Good. Whad'ya you do with the gun? Maid stutters: I threw it in the pool. Tough Mafioso: Pool? What pool? We don't have a pool!? ...Is this 734-2264?
10 Ways to tell if a Redneck has been working on a Computer
* 10. The monitor is up on blocks. * 9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them. * 8. The six front keys have rotted out. * 7. The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them. * 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six. * 5. The password is "Bubba". * 4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU. * 3. There's a Coors can in the cup holder(CD-ROM drive). * 2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
AND the number 1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer is...
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the "United States Redneck Special Forces".
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today. 2. There is no limit. 3. They taste just like chicken. 4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus. 5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."
Billy-Bob was walking into town one day wearing nothing but his gun and his boots. Just as he began walking down Main Street he was confronted by the Sheriff.
"Hey, Billy-Bob, ya mind if I ask you what you are doin' walkin' down Main Street wearin' nothin' but your gunbelt and boots?"
"Well Sheriff, it's a long story."
"I ain't going nowhere", said the Sheriff.
"Well Sheriff, a couple hours ago I ran into Mary Lou in the saloon. We had ourselves a couple of drinks and then we started to feelin' kinda frisky and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out to the barn?' So we did. Then we started getting real close and cuddin' and smoochin' and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out back and go up to the top of the hill.' So we did." He continued,
"We started cuddlin' and smoochin' some more and the next thing I know, Mary Lou had taken off all her clothes and she suggested that I do the same. So I did, all except my gunbelt and boots. then Mary Lou laid down on the ground and spread her legs apart and said
40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen. 39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. 38. Duct tape won't fix that. 37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael. 36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken. 35. We don't keep firearms in this house. 34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? 33. You can't feed that to the dog. 32. I thought Graceland was tacky. 31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe. 30. Wrasslin's fake. 29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? 28. We're vegetarians. 27. Do you think my gut is too big? 26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy. 25. Honey, we don't need another dog. 24. Who's Richard Petty? 23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds. 22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor. 21. Spittin is such a nasty habit. 20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today. 19. Trim the fat off that steak. 18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. 17. The tires on that truck are too big. 16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad. 15. I've got it all on the C drive. 14. Unsweetened tea tastes better. 13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled? 12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. 11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. 10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. 09. Checkmate. 08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini. 07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? 06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. 05. I don't have a favorite college team. 04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. 03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long. 02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla. 01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female Genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?" Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-flea-bitten camel! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything." The shocked Genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever." Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said: "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you." The annoyed Genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared. The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
On the first day of school a first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Yankees fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Yankees fans.
Wanting to impress their teacher, everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Yankees fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Yankees fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a Red Sox fan, and proud of it," Janie replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why pray tell are you a Red Sox fan?"
"Because my mom is a Red Sox fan, and my dad is Red Sox fan, so I'm a Red Sox fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Red Sox fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom were an idiot and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?"
Ha ha ha ha!!! That's great SC. I hever heard it before.
Beth, I loved the Redneck Barbie picture. You know I went to e-mail it to some co-workers, and every site (I found it on-line) with that picture was blocked at work. My God you'd think it was porm or something. I'll have to e-mail it to their home I guess.
Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home. Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming.
The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her wedding night."
She snuck by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing. "That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself.
Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.
The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night's noises.
"Well Mom," she replied, "you always said if it hurt I should scream."
"You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter.
"Now why were you laughing?" she asked.
"You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered.
"True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.
"Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
"Mom, don't you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full."
This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly come toward him and stop. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and...wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other..."Look, Paddy... there's that f...ing idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!"
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
I saw bits of an infomercial for some old Johnny Carson clips and Rodney Dangerfield acts.
One joke from Johnny:
"A woman was arrested for giving sexual favors for spaghetti dinners. The lady did not want money, just a spaghtetti dinner. Technically doesn't that maker her a pastatute?"
Rodney:
"I get no respect at all. I know I'm ugly. Last year for halloween my wife dressed our kids up as me.
"I asked my father why doesn't he take me to the zoo. He said if they want you, they'll come get you."
"A woman was arrested for giving sexual favors for spaghetti dinners. The lady did not want money, just a spaghtetti dinner. Technically doesn't that maker her a pastatute?"
If she gave sexual favors for canned pasta would she be a SpaghettiO-ho??
"A woman was arrested for giving sexual favors for spaghetti dinners. The lady did not want money, just a spaghtetti dinner. Technically doesn't that maker her a pastatute?"
If she gave sexual favors for canned pasta would she be a SpaghettiO-ho??
I've got some catching up to do on this thread. I missed some good ones. Anyway, while I do that, here's a funny joke I just got in my e-mail.
Its hell getting old
An 80-year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "Chuck, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Chuck replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF! the light goes on. When I'm done, POOF! the light goes off. " WOW, That's incredible" the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Chuck's wife. "Helen," he says, "Chuck is doing fine! But I had to call you as I am in awe of his r elationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and POOF! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done POOF! the light goes off?
"Oh my Word!" Helen exclaims. "he's peeing in the refrigerator again!
Two older priests and a young priest go for a day of fishing on the lake. They get in the boat and are in the middle of the lake when the oldest of the three says, "I forgot my bait in the car." He promptly steps out of the boat, walks across the surface of the lake, gets his bait, and walks back to the boat across the lake's surface.
A moment later, the other older priest announces that he left the sandwiches in the car. He also walks across the surface of the lake and back in order to get the sandwiches.
The young priest then stands up and says he had beer in the car that he was going to get. He steps out of the boat and plunges deep into the lake.
The first priest turned to the second and says, "Gee. We should have told him where the stones are."
This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Iowa." The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says, "I mount animals." The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
Just try this. It is from an orthopedic surgeon...........
This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It's preprogrammed in your brain!
1. WITHOUT anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY......) and while sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction (If it doesn't you have a neurological problem)!
I told yo u so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it!
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide) So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me -- I don't want to go deaf!"
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . .", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand . .
Man walks past a shop and spies a sign in the window. "PIES:50p / HANDJOBS:20p" Full of surprise he goes in and approaches the attractive young lady behind the counter. "would you be the girl who gives out the handjobs for only 20p?" he asks "Why yes" she replies with a coy smile. "Well make sure you wash your hands" he says"cos i want a pie"
Got this e-mail today. Of course I can't prove these were actual comments made to the doctor, but there are some good lines here.
Comments by patients during Colonoscopies
Colonoscopies are no joke, A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8.”Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!”
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."
13. "Should I smile for my Kodak Moment?"
And the best one of all...
14. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"
This is only part of a hilarious e-mail I received today. It's too long to post it all.
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts . Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
A little boy is in court for a custody trial. His parents abuse him, so the judge has to decide where to place him.
Judge: "It appears the parents are unfit, so this court is awarding custody to the grandparents".
At this time the boy starts crying hysterically and causing havoc.
Boy: "No judge you cant' do that. You don't understand. My grandparents beat me worse than my parents".
Judge: "I have quite a dilema. I was not aware of this fact. I'll have to think of another solution. In the short term, temporary custody will be given to the aunt and uncle".
Again, the boy starts crying and is very emotional.
Boy: "You cant' do that either. My aunt and uncle beat me worse than my grandparents.
Judge: "Oh my. This situation is very dire. This calls for drastic measure.
The boy thinks a minute and says. "Give me to The Baltimore Ravens. They don't beat anybody".
This is only part of a hilarious e-mail I received today. It's too long to post it all.
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts . Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
A little boy is in court for a custody trial. His parents abuse him, so the judge has to decide where to place him.
Judge: "It appears the parents are unfit, so this court is awarding custody to the grandparents".
At this time the boy starts crying hysterically and causing havoc.
Boy: "No judge you cant' do that. You don't understand. My grandparents beat me worse than my parents".
Judge: "I have quite a dilema. I was not aware of this fact. I'll have to think of another solution. In the short term, temporary custody will be given to the aunt and uncle".
Again, the boy starts crying and is very emotional.
Boy: "You cant' do that either. My aunt and uncle beat me worse than my grandparents.
Judge: "Oh my. This situation is very dire. This calls for drastic measure.
The boy thinks a minute and says. "Give me to The Baltimore Ravens. They don't beat anybody".
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the
departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended
her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #4 -- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #3 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who
was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2 -- A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, 'Low Bridge overhead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006 -- A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
Two bonus extras: A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?'
The clerk says, 'What denomination?'
The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.'
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight 's damn near perfect.'
Two guys are in the Port Authority Bus Terminal in NYC, traveling to Pittsburg. First guy says he'll buy tix for both. He walks to the ticket counter, where the clerk has her back to him. As she turns around, he's stunned by her huge, er, endowment. "Yessss..." she says. "Uh-uh-uh...two pickets to Titsburg," he stammers, then runs away, too embarrassed to continue.
Second guy takes up the task. He walks up to the counter, the gal turns around, his eyes pop out, and he mumbles, "Uh-uh-uh...two pickets to Titsburg." He, too, retires, much discomfited.
At that rate, the guys are never gonna get to Pittsburg. So they spot a minister in clerical garb and ask him to buy the tix. Sure, he says.
He goes to counter. The clerk turns around. "Two tickets to Pittsburg," he states, handing over the cash clearly and confidently. She smiles and gives him the tickets. He leaves, then suddenly turns back, remembering he needs change for the pay phone.
"And by the way, can you give me two nipples for a dime?"
Two guys are in the Port Authority Bus Terminal in NYC, traveling to Pittsburgh. First guy says he'll buy tix for both. He walks to the ticket counter, where the clerk has her back to him. As she turns around, he's stunned by her huge, er, endowment. "Yessss..." she says. "Uh-uh-uh...two pickets to Titsburgh," he stammers, then runs away, too embarrassed to continue.
Second guy takes up the task. He walks up to the counter, the gal turns around, his eyes pop out, and he mumbles, "Uh-uh-uh...two pickets to Titsburgh." He, too, retires, much discomfited.
At that rate, the guys are never gonna get to Pittsburg. So they spot a minister in clerical garb and ask him to buy the tix. Sure, he says.
He goes to counter. The clerk turns around. "Two tickets to Pittsburgh," he states, handing over the cash clearly and confidently. She smiles and gives him the tickets. He leaves, then suddenly turns back, remembering he needs change for the pay phone.
"And by the way, can you give me two nipples for a dime?"
Two guys are in the Port Authority Bus Terminal in NYC, traveling to Pittsburgh. First guy says he'll buy tix for both. He walks to the ticket counter, where the clerk has her back to him. As she turns around, he's stunned by her huge, er, endowment. "Yessss..." she says. "Uh-uh-uh...two pickets to Titsburgh," he stammers, then runs away, too embarrassed to continue.
Second guy takes up the task. He walks up to the counter, the gal turns around, his eyes pop out, and he mumbles, "Uh-uh-uh...two pickets to Titsburgh." He, too, retires, much discomfited.
At that rate, the guys are never gonna get to Pittsburg. So they spot a minister in clerical garb and ask him to buy the tix. Sure, he says.
He goes to counter. The clerk turns around. "Two tickets to Pittsburgh," he states, handing over the cash clearly and confidently. She smiles and gives him the tickets. He leaves, then suddenly turns back, remembering he needs change for the pay phone.
"And by the way, can you give me two nipples for a dime?"
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Guy's having his first physical since he retired. Doctor examines him, then tells him, "Everything looks fine to me, except for one thing: Your penis has an unusual orange hue." "Yeah, I noticed that, too," says the guy.
Doctor goes through a bunch of possible scenarious for the orange penis, but the patient keeps shaking his head. Finally, the doctor says, "Well, how have you been spending your days since retirement?"
Patient replies, "I eat Cheetos and watch porn movies."
Guy's having his first physical since he retired. Doctor examines him, then tells him, "Everything looks fine to me, except for one thing: Your penis has an unusual orange hue." "Yeah, I noticed that, too," says the guy.
Doctor goes through a bunch of possible scenarious for the orange penis, but the patient keeps shaking his head. Finally, the doctor says, "Well, how have you been spending your days since retirement?"
Patient replies, "I eat Cheetos and watch porn movies."
I have a funny story surrounding the first time I heard this joke. A colleague from my office a few years ago returned from a day of hearings and told me that Judge Jones told him a funny joke, and proceeded to tell me this joke.
The following week I bumped into Judge Jones, who asked me how my weekend was. I smiled and said, "You know me. I spent it with a couple bags of Cheetos and a pile of porn tapes." He kind of smiled, and moved on.
I returned to my office, saw my friend, and told him what I had said. He looked a bit uncomfortable when he then said, "Did I tell yopu that Judge JONES told me that joke? It was Judge SMITH."
Guy's having his first physical since he retired. Doctor examines him, then tells him, "Everything looks fine to me, except for one thing: Your penis has an unusual orange hue." "Yeah, I noticed that, too," says the guy.
Doctor goes through a bunch of possible scenarious for the orange penis, but the patient keeps shaking his head. Finally, the doctor says, "Well, how have you been spending your days since retirement?"
Patient replies, "I eat Cheetos and watch porn movies."
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big f__king red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big f__king red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
'So what do you think about that Doc ?' The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.'
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'
'As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as ifit were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.'
'Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?' asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'
Two old men go to an escort service house. The madam asks them what they want. They say women. She asks, "How old are you?" They say 90.
So she tells one of the girls to take them upstairs and put each of them in a room with a blow up doll. So they go upstairs and do their thing.
When they come back downstairs the first old man asks the other "How was it?" The other one says "I think she was dead, she just layed there, how was yours?"
"I think mine was a witch."
"A witch?"
"Yeah, I bit her on the tit, she farted and flew out the window."
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent.
The doctor says, I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.
The next week the lady goes back. Doctor, she says, I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts although still silent stink terribly.
The doctor says, Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.
Three men had a very late night drinking Guiness. They left in the early morning hours and each went to their home. The next day, they all met for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks." The second guy said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped it around the first tree I saw. And I don't even have insurance!" The third guy proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!" The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first guy spoke out again, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog."
One day Mom was cleaning her sons room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. So she asked him, "What should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
Two dwarves pull two girls and take them home. They both get the girls into their rooms but the first dwarf can't get it up and to make things worse all night he can hear the second dwarf shouting "Here I come again.. 1 2 3 uuh.." The Next Morning the first dwarf says to the second dwarf "How embarrassing I couldn't even get an erection" The second dwarf says "You think thats bad i couldn't even get on the fucking bed!"
A penguin is driving in his car one warm summer day when it starts misfiring badly. He pulls into a service station and explains the symptoms to a mechanic. The mechanic tells him it'll be about a half-hour until he can diagnose the problem. "OK," says the penguin. "I see an ice cream shop down the street. I love ice cream...think I'll get a big vanilla cone while I wait."
The penguin waddles off for his ice cream and returns to the service station a half-hour later, licking up the dripping remnants of his vanilla cone.
"Looks like you blew a seal," the mechanic tells him. "Nah," replies the penguin, "it's just the melted ice cream..."
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around -- in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her . "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card!!"
Elderly couple are driving in a car on a deserted road. After a while, a police car comes roaring up and pulls the car over.
"What is it, Officer?" asks the driver. "Your wife fell out of the car 10 miles back," the cop says. "Oh, thank goodness--I thought I was going deaf," replies the driver.
Elderly couple are driving in a car on a deserted road. After a while, a police car comes roaring up and pulls the car over.
"What is it, Officer?" asks the driver. "Your wife fell out of the car 10 miles back," the cop says. "Oh, thank goodness--I thought I was going deaf," replies the driver.
TB,
That is great. My father will love that joke. He's always, even afer 66 years of marriage, calling my mom the "ol ball & chain." His kind of humor for sure.
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
An man learns he is going to die within weeks. He summons his only heir, his son who is about 30 of his condition and thn he says," I have never told you this because I did not want to spoil you during your childhood, but I am worth 200 million dollars. I want you to use the money wisely, settle down and live a good life."
The son is stricken by this, and he decides to show his father he will settle down tells a woman he's been dating that he wants to marry her before his father dies to show that he has setled down. He also tells her "You'll never want for anything because when he dies I will be inheriting $200 million." She tells him she'll think it over.
Two days later he goes to visit his father, and his girlfriend opens the door. "What are you doing here?" he asks. "I'm your new stepmother," she replies.
Lesson? Women are better than men at estate planning.
Woman walks into her bedroom and finds her husband in bed with a sheep. Husband looks up and says, "This is the pig I sleep with when I'm not with you." Wife says, "That's no pig, its a sheep." Husband says I wasn't talking to you."
Well, I've heard of Michael Vicks but don't get the joke.
Wait, I do know him. The guy who bet on the dog fights.
Still, believe it or not, I have a sports joke. Ok, it was sent to to a lot of people at work. Now, keep in mind this is the West Coast so there is obvious bias here.
Four football fans; a Packers fan, a Giants fan, a Chargers fan, and a Patriots fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more.
The Cheese Head insists he is the most loyal. 'This is for the Pack!' he yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain.
Not to be outdone, the New York fan shouts, 'This is for the Giants!' and throws himself off the mountain.
The San Diego fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, 'This is for everyone!' and pushes the Patriot fan off the mountain.
> THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES > > Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car > and 3 kids each for six weeks. > > Each kid will play two sports and either take music or > dance classes. > > There is no fast food. > > Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned > house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects > , cook, do laundry, and pay a list of 'pretend' bills with > not enough money. > > In addition, each man will have to budget in money for > groceries each week. > > Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends > and relatives, and send cards out on time. > > Each man must also take each child to a doctor's > appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment > He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per > child to the Urgent Care (weekend, evening, on a holiday or > right when they're about to leave for vacation). He must > also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function. > > Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it > presentable at all times. > > The men will only have access to television when the kids > are asleep and all chores are done. > > Each father will be required to know all of the words to > every stupid song that comes on TV and the name of each and > every character on cartoons. > > Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six > toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old > to eat a serving of peas. > > Each man must adorn himself with jewelry, wear > uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep their nails polished > and eyebrows groomed. The men must try to get through each > day without snot, spit-up or barf on their clothing. > > During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure > severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, > unexp laine d mood swings but never once complain or slow down > from other duties. They must try to explain what a tampon is > for when the 6-yr old boy finds it in the purse. > > They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find > time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a > similar setting. > > He will need to read a book to the children each night > without falling asleep, and then feed them, dress them, > brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00. > They must leave the home with no food on their face or > clothes. > > A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each > father will be required to know all of the following > information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe > size, clothes size and doctor's name. Also the child's > weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, > ; each child 's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, > favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear > and what they want to be when they grow up. > > They must clean up after their sick children at 2:00 a.m. > And then spend the remainder of the day tending to that > child and waiting on them hand and foot until they are > better. > > They must have a loving, age appropriate reply to, 'You're > not the boss of me'. > Oh and they each have a 30 hr a week job!
> The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The > last man wins only if...he still has enough energy to be > intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice. >
> After you get done laughing, send this to as many females > as you think will get a kick out of it and as many men as > you think can handle it. >
A nurse was going past an old mans room in the nursing home and heard him crying. "What's the matter?" she said.
He said, "My peter died."
She told him she was real busy and would come back later. Well she forgot about him and went home. The next day she came to work and saw him walking down the hall with his peter hanging out and swinging. She said, "What in the hell are you doing?"
He said, "My peter died. "
She said, "I know that but what are you doing with it hanging out?"
Old lady Elsie takes her dear old deaf husband Bert to the Doctors for his check up! Doctor tells Bert he needs a urine sample,a semen sample and a stool sample! "What did he say?" Bert yells at Elsie "He wants your underpants dear", she replies
A New York City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike", the cop said, "did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep", the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.
"I don't understand," he complained to God. "I devoted my entire life to my congregation."
"Our policy here in heaven is to reward results," God explained. "Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?"
"Well," the minister had to admit, "some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time."
"Exactly," said God, "and when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed wake, they even prayed."
How true. Except in Terre Haute, IN where the cabbies go the speed limit and let little old ladies cross the road and stop at yellow lights to run up the meter.
I prefer big city cabbies. It's always worth the ride. Like a rollercoaster.
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you are being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another, you have a sound mind. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
After the big Super Bowl party, Doug figured he better spend some quality time with his wife. He climbs upstairs, walks in the bedroom and crawls into bed.
"Alright honey," he says, "Give me a play you want me to run."
"How about foreplay?" his wife replies.
"What's the foreplay?" says Doug.
"You know," the wife says, "It happens before the two minute warning."
A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort , he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife . Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
The mobster was on trial, facing a possible life sentence, but his lawyer bribed a juror to hold out for a lesser charge. After hours of deliberation, the jury returned a verdict carrying a maximum of ten years in prison.
Afterwards, the lawyer approached the juror. "You had me worried! When the jury was out so long, I was afraid you couldn't pull it off."
"I was worried too!" answered the juror. "The others all wanted to acquit him!"
The mobster was on trial, facing a possible life sentence, but his lawyer bribed a juror to hold out for a lesser charge. After hours of deliberation, the jury returned a verdict carrying a maximum of ten years in prison.
Afterwards, the lawyer approached the juror. "You had me worried! When the jury was out so long, I was afraid you couldn't pull it off."
"I was worried too!" answered the juror. "The others all wanted to acquit him!"
A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away. He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.
He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."
A married couple, in their early 60's, was celebrating their 42nd wedding anniversary at a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny beautiful Fairy appeared on their table. She said: "For being such an exemplary married couple and especially for being so thoughtful and loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." "Oh, said the wife, I want to travel around the World with my Darling husband" The fairy waved her magic wand; and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner and Ten Thousand Dollars appeared in her hands. Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a minute and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. So I'm going with my mind and not my Heart. " "I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me." The wife and the Fairy were shocked and disappointed. But a wish is a wish. So, the Fairy waved her magic wand, and - Poof! - The husband became 92 years old. The Moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful idiots should remember; Fairies are females.
A month after "The Producers" opened on Broadway, tix were going for $900 each. One evening a well-dressed elderly woman showed up with front-row-center seats. She sat in one, and put here hat and coat on the other.
Lights dimmed, overture started--and no one showed up for the second seat. Ditto after intermission. Lights went up after the play concluded--still no one.
Man sitting next to the woman asked, "Pardon me, ma'am, but was your husband delayed in getting here?" "No," she replied, "he died a few days ago."
"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that," the man said. "But, didn't you have a friend or relative that you could give the seat to?"
Top Ten Ways To Make The Godfather More Appealing To Teenagers:
10. Marlon Brando gets two-foot tall sidekick, Mini-Vito 9. Enemies now killed by the explosive flavor of snapping into a Slim Jim 8. Three words: no Jar Jar 7. Sonny Corleone ambushed at tollbooth by foul-mouthed South Park character 6. Corpses of victims get dumped in Dawson's Creek 5. Theme song by Ricky Martin, "Livin' La Cosa Nostra" 4. Instead of organized crime, family now makes money by selling term papers 3. Change title from "The Godfather" to "The Puff Daddy" 2. Goodbye severed horse head, hello severed Backstreet Boy head! 1. New title: "I Still Know Who You Whacked Last Summer"
There was a young virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.
She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."
Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers a question time. One little boy puts up his hand. The senator asks him what his name is.
"Kenneth."
"And what is your question, Kenneth?"
"I have three questions: First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as president? Second - why would you run for president after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?" Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary informs the kids that they will continue after recess.
When they resume, Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary point him out and asks him what his name is.
"Larry."
"And what is your question, Larry?"
"I have five questions: First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as president? Second - why would you run for president after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? Fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"
In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.
"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.
The next day the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, and then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth; first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out still nothing. We even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeez'n it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get that damned jar open."
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
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How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
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There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
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This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say" the priest inquired..
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed.
Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship!"
"Thank you," the woman responded,
"This may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Pete. Our prayers have been answered."
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas."
He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free".
He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?" "I'm going too!!" he replied. "Why?" She asked. "I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven.
He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motorhome with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy ...'. And here I am."
Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
A woman tried to murder her husband by poisoning him with anti freeze! Although he survived he was left blind,deaf and with only 10% movement left in his limbs. He refused to press charges though because on the up side he said he did'nt feel the cold much anymore......
A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What are these things daddy?" His dad said, "Condoms son." The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?" The dad replied, "The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March...."
Man walks into a bar,he is the only one in there apart from the bartender. He orders a drink and has a sip. He hears a little voice say "Ooh nice tie sir,lovely colour,really goes well with that nice suit you're wearing".
Man looks around,startled. The barman is out the back and there is nobody else around. He shakes his head and has another drink. He hears the voice again "Ooh nice shoes sir,well polished,lovely soft,Italian leather that fit your feet perfectly"
Man looks around again. He is still the only one in the place.He thinks he may be going mad. Has another drink,hears the voice again. "Ooh sir,have you lost weight,you look great,your clothes fit you well and you look so healthy"
The man has had enough,as the barman comes back to the bar he asks him about the voice,where it is coming from seeing as they are the only ones in the bar. "oh yes", says the barman,"that will be the nuts on the bar talking to you mate". "Nuts!",exclaims the man,thinking he has gone nuts..... "Nuts?" he says again.
"Yes mate" says the barman "they are complimentary you know"
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do,'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
Miss Beatrice, he said, I wonder if you would tell me about this? pointing to the bowl.
Oh, yes, she replied, Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Man walks into a grocery store and buys one pie,one egg,one apple and one can of beer! "I bet you're single?" asks the shopkeeper. "How did you know that?" asks the man.
"Cos you're an ugly bastard!" says the shopkeeper.
Man walks into a grocery store and buys one pie,one egg,one apple and one can of beer! "I bet you're single?" asks the shopkeeper. "How did you know that?" asks the man.
"Cos you're an ugly bastard!" says the shopkeeper.
Three lady friends were discussing the men in their lives. One had a boyfriend,one was a mistress and the other was married. They all agreed to dress up in sexy black basques,suspenders,stilettos and wear little black masks in order to give their men a treat. The next day they compare notes. The girlfriend said "My boyfriend called me the love of his life and we made passionate love all night long". The mistress said "My man was struck dumb but we had wild sex all night long". The wife said "My husband came home,took one look at me and said 'hello Batman,whats for dinner?'
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.
A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." > >The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" > >The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." > >The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You CAN NOT have any cyanide!"The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.
That is probably the worst joke that I have ever read.
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.
Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and
3 kids each for six weeks.
Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.
There is no fast food.
Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, and laundry, and pay a list of 'pretend' bills with not enough money.
In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.
Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time--no emailing.
Each man must also take each child to a haircut appointment.
He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care.
He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.
Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.
The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.
The men must shave their with jewelry,wear < STRONG> uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep fingernails polished abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties.
They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.
They will need to read a book to the kids each night and in the morning, feed them,
If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years eventually earning the right To be called Mother
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
2. You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skill.
3. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
4. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
5. The homeless are invisible.
6. The subway makes sense.
7. The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.
8. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
9. You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.
10. You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".
11. Your door has more than three locks.
12. You go to a hockey game for the fighting. In the stands. To participate.
13. Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it.
14. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
15. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
16. You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.
17. You complain about having to mow it.
18. You are a skee-ball juggernaut.
19. You consider Westchester "Upstate".
20. You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Judge Wapner.
* First you must learn to pronounce the city name.... It is Bawl-mer or Ball-tee-more, depending on if you live north or south of Rt. 40. * Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. If it is a Howard County map and is a day old it is already obsolete. * On Monday you don't wash your clothes, you warsh them. Before you eat a meal you don't wash your hands, you warsh them in wooder. * Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere, Baltimore has its own version of traffic rules...."Hold on & pray." * There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Baltimore ... we all drive like that. * All directions start with... "The Beltway...."....which has no beginning and no end. * The morning rush hour is from 6am to 11am, the evening rush hour is from 1pm to 7pm... Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning. * If you actually stop at a yellow light you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to 5 when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing into all 5 drivers running the red light in cross-traffic. However, if you don't go as soon as it turns green, you get the finger, a blowing horn, or both. * Construction on I-97 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. Interesting that it's called an "interstate," it runs only from the Beltway to Annapolis. Opening in 1992, it has been torn up and under re-construction ever since. (Does former Gov. Glendenning have any relatives who build highways?) * All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase "Oh, we're in GLIMBURNIE!" * If someone actually has their turn signal on it is probably a factory defect. * Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators. * All old ladies with blue hair and Buicks have the right of way. PERIOD * All roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections. * A trip across town (north to south) will take a minimum of four hours, although the tunnel does have, on occasion, more than one lane open. But never on holiday weekends. * The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85mph, anything less is considered downright sissy. * The Beltway is our daily version of NASCAR. * If the humidity is 98+ and the temperature is 98+ it's May/June/July/August/September. * If it is 10 degrees, it is Orioles Opening Day. * If it is 110 degrees, it is opening day at Ravens Stadium. * If you go to a football game, pay the $75.00 to park in the "Ravens Lot." Parking elsewhere could cost up to $7500.00 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc. * If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard during Preakness ... run over him! It's probably not his yard anyway.
* You're paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet and you think it's a "steal."
* You've been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both times.
* You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the U.S. pay in rent.
* You go to dinner at 9 and head out to the clubs when most Americans are heading to bed.
* You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.
* Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip."
* America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.
* You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.
* You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.
* Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.
* $50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag.
* Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watch seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Indian and your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian.
* You run when you see a flashing "Do Not Walk" sign at the intersection.
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware Maryland: If it weren't for Washington, you couldn't find us
Dumb Maryland Laws # Thistles may not grow in one's yard. Baltimore # It's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits. # It's illegal to take a lion to the movies. # It is a park rule violation to be in a public park with a sleeveless shirt. $10 fine. This would include joggers that go shirtless. (1898) # No person who is a "tramp" or "vagrant" shall loiter in any park at any time. They define tramp as a person who roves for begging purposes and a vagrant as an idle person who is able-bodied living without labor. It's a $50 fine. I guess the tramp would have to beg for the money to pay the fine. -Park Rule 6 # It is a violation of city code to sell chicks or ducklings to a minor within 1 week of the Easter holiday. Baltimore City # Though you may spit on a city roadway, spitting on city sidewalks is prohibited. # You may not curse inside the city limits.
Columbia # You can not have a antenna exposed outside of your house yet you can have a 25' satellite dish. # Though clotheslines are banned, clothes may be draped over a fence.
Ocean City # A law from the early 1900's prohibits men from going topless on the Boardwalk. (Repealed) # Eating while swimming in the ocean is prohibited.
A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan.
The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41.
The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"
The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"
A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." > >The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" > >The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." > >The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You CAN NOT have any cyanide!"The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.
That is probably the worst joke that I have ever read.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com <http://classmates.com/> ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.
New Rule:There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Mars Bar.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?
I know we've had these "You Know Your From....." threads, so here's one relating to my neck of the woods.
Subject: U KNOW YOU'RE FROM SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA WHEN:
>Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income (and you think it's normal)
>You drive next to a Rolls Royce and don't notice it.
>You don't know anyone's phone number unless you check your cell phone.
>You speak Spanish, but you're not Mexican.
>You begin to "lie" to your friends about how close you are when you know darn well that it'll take you at least an hour to get there (see below).
>Getting anywhere from point A to point B, no matter what the distance, takes about "twenty minutes".
>You drive to your neighborhood block party.
>In the "winter", you can go to the beach and ski at Big Bear on the same day or mow your lawn in your shorts on New Years Day, and maybe sunburn.
>You eat a different ethnic food for every meal.
>If your destination is more than 5 minutes away on foot, you're definitely driving.
>Calling your neighbors requires knowing their area code.
>You know what "In-'N-Out" is and feel bad for all the other states because they don't have any.
>Stop signs stand for, Slow To Observe Police.
>You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
>You eat pineapple on pizza.
>Your cell phone has left a permanent impression on the side of your head.
>You think that Venice is a beach.
>The waitress asks if you'd like "carbs" in your meal.
>You know who the Tinsel Underwear dude at Venice Beach is.
>You classify new people you meet by their Area Code. An "818" would never date a "562" and anyone from "323" or "213" is ghetto/second class. Best area code: "949/714." Nobody likes anyone from the "909/951" because it stinks there.
>You call 911 and they put you on hold.
>You have a gym membership because it's mandatory.
>The gym is packed at 3 pm...on a workday.
>You think you are better than the people who live "Over the Hill". It doesn't matter which side of the hill you are currently residing, you are just better than them, for whatever reason.
>You know that if you drive two miles in any direction you will find a McDonald's, Subway or a Starbucks. (Do we have to go two miles for a Starbucks?)
>You know what "Sigalert", "PCH", and the "Five" mean.
>You know the meaning behind the name of the 405 freeway.... because it takes 4 hours to get one way, and 5 hours to get back.
>It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station:"STORM WATCH".
>The Terminator is your Governor.
>You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from California!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did.
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word. He knew better.
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Dan! are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the est laugh they'd ever had!
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!
While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off." No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston.
Beth, those were great. Here's something I did that should surely be added to those.
I was friends with a colleague from another office who was single. He had not answered several messages that I had left him. The receptionist at his office said that she believed he was down near my office getting his car serviced. When I finally got him on the phone, I asked him why he had come down to our county to get his car fixed, when I knew he lived about an hour away, and he told me that he had been "in the area" the night before.
Kidding around, I asked him if he had gotten lucky. He said, "Well, you know Jane, who works for the County Executive?" I never had much respect for Jane, and referred to her as "dumber than dirt", so of course I said, "Oh God, please don't tell me you're doing dumber than dirt Jane!". To which he replied, "She's not really stupid." I said, "Oh, c'mon! Her bra size is bigger than her IQ!!"
To which he replied, "We eloped over the weekend."
When my boss told her husband the story that night over dinner, she told me that he was choking so badly that she almost had to give him the Heimlich.
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"
Fifty ways to know if you are a Region Rat (Northwest Indiana)
This list is characteristic of the Northwest region of Indiana, Chicago, and Chicago suburbs. Northwest Indiana is actually quite different than the rest of the state. To understand this list, a reference key will be at the bottom and the number on this list will correspond to that number on the key.
50 If anyone asks where you are from that is not from da region you tell them Chicago. 49 You are pale as a ghost from the lack of sun. 48 Oil tanks are more common than trees in your neighborhood. 47 You don't know anything about farming...at least not legal farming. 46 When you need to run out to the store you go to Jewel. 45 You call the interstate the "Tollroad" 44 You know what good pizza tastes like, and its not Papa John's. 43 Running red lights is normal! 42 Midway's not an island, its an airport. 41 You know the night sky is not black, its orange! 40 You know roads are just a place for trains to park across. 39 Only a true region rat can tell which town they are in at any given time. 38 You love Kohl's (store). 37 You measure distance in minutes instead of miles. 36 You understand what "Lake-Effect" is. 35 You don't pronounce the 's' in Illinois and you get aggravated when people do. 34 "What's a sheriff?" 33 School isn't cancelled unless there is at least 20 feet of snow on the ground. 32 You know more about what's going on in Illinois than Indiana. 31 You don't drink soda, you drink pop. 30 You don't consider pigs as being a domestic pet. 29 Your favorite holiday movie is "A Christmas Story." 28 You can see downtown Chicago from your neighborhood, yet it takes an hour to get there! 27 You think bridges were invented to cross railroad tracks, not rivers. 26 You like White Castle. 25 Your bumper is rusted from road salt. 24 You know that country music sucks. 23 Sometimes you forget that Indiana HAS a football team (Colts?) 22 You don't "Cruise the strip." 21 You are skilled at lane changing and know that "All five lanes on I-80 were MEANT to be used!" 20 You can appreciate the humor of Mancow. 19 You know that beaches exist in places other than Florida and California. 18 You always keep at least $5 in change in your car for tolls. 17 You think all amusement parks are called "Great America" 16 You know that not all passenger trains are powered by steam. 15 You're neighborhood IS a proposed third airport. 14 You know better than to light a match within 5 miles of the Little Calumet River . 13 What the hell is Hardee's? 12 You're not really a "Hoosier" 11 Even though you go to school three hours away, you still cant help but watch WGN news on cable each night. 10 You have motion-sensor lights on your garage and house, but don't lock the doors on either of them! 9 You leave your car running in the parking lot at the store. 8 You end sentences with unnecessary prepositions ("Where is my coat at?" or "I want to go with!") 7 You forget we even have a county fair. 6 Who needs a county fair anyway when there is August Fest? 5 There is only one LAKE, everything else is a pond. 4 Everyone else at the gas station is from Illinois. 3 The "northern lights" are the flames from Amoco's refinery. 2 You think anything south of US-30 is "Southern Indiana" 1 588-2300-EMPIIIIIIIRE or 773-202-Lunaaaaaaaaa
Reference Key (aka: what does this malarkey mean?)
36: That means, ultimately, wind, snow, and contrition. 33: School is never canceled! 32: Sometimes I get confused and think my mayor is really "Dickie" Daley. 29: "A Christmas Story" is, aside from the best Christmas movie ever, a regional gem. The movie is set in post WWII Northwest Indiana and was filmed in Hammond, Indiana. 28: You can see Chicago's Loop from Michigan City, Indiana! 25: "da Region" is infamous for abundant salt usage during the severe weather. 22: Strip cruising is, as far as I know, only being done in LaPorte and that's it. 20: Mancow is a Chicago disk jockey... he's not for the faint at heart either. 13: More like, "Where the Hell is Hardee's?" 6:Clarification: August Fest refers to Oktoberfest which is held somewhere from late August to Labor day. 5: I believe Lake Michigan Speaks for itself. 2: This is not only thought but believed 1: 588-2300-empire is the phone number for the famed Chicago Empire carpet store. Depending on where you live, remember to dial area code 312 first.
You spend more time on your roof than in your living room. Your kids start schol in August and end in July. You know the plot to "Groundhog Day" even though you have never seen the movie. Having a tree in the living room doesn't necessarily mean its Christmas. You know which weathercasters are pregnant. Plywood is considered a window treatment. You actually like talking to your insurance agent. Suspended tolls are a highlight of your life. You find the sound of a home generator erotic. You don't worry about relatives coming to visit in the summer. You are nostalgic for the days when the only news about Florida was flawed elections and drug kingpins. You know how long two bags of ice will last in your cooler. Sundown means time for bed.
Windows XP New Jersey Edition (This note is for those outside the Garden State)
Dear Consumas:
It has come ta our attention dat a cupola copies of the WINDOWS XP NEW JOISEY EDITION may have been shipped outsida Joisey. If ya got one a dese, you may need some help unnerstanin da commands.
Da Joisey edition may be recognized by da unique openin' screen. It reads; "Windas XP" wit a background pitcha of Hoboken. When yous start da program, instead of da usual harpy stringy like music, you hear a little Springsteen. It's also shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava.
PLEASE ALSO NOTE:
Recycle bin is labeled "Newark" My computer is called "My Computa" The Inbox is referred to as "Da Trunk" Deleted items are referred to as "Wacked", "Erased", or "Rubbed Out" Control Panel is known as "The Bosses" Performing an "illegal operation" is known as "enhancin da family business" and will actually maximize da program instead of shuttin' it down. Hard Drive is referred to as "Da turnpike on da way to da shore" Instead of an error message a "You ain't gonna believe dis" pops up CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA JOISEY EDITION:
OK...........Sure ting Cancel......Fugetaboutit Reset........Start ova Yes............Yeah No..............Nah Find............Put a contract out on Browse........Get a looksee Back...........U-Toin Help...........Get your own ansa Stop............Knock it off Start............Move it Settings.......Here's da rules We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you mistakenly got a copy of the JOISEY EDITION.
You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WIT DAT?
(By da way, spellcheck is a nightmare wit da JOISEY edition dey still haven't worked out all da bugs)
You know someone who went to Evander, Dodge, Ursula, Fordham, Rice, Clinton, Walton, All Hallows, Taft, Aquinas, Barnabas, Mt St Michael, St. Simon Stock, Preston, Helena's, Cardinal Hayes, Kennedy, Truman, Roosevelt, Raymond's, Lehman, Spellman, Tolentine and many more.
You and any other friends who lived on West 228th Street and towards the Yonkers city line, probably went to Sacred Heart High School in Yonkers.
You know that Lehman College is really Hunter College in the Bronx.
You actually think the subway is fun and a very reliable form of transportation.
You went to the fresh meat market on Arthur Avenue with your Dad/Grandmother to buy the fresh chickens and rabbits. (If you were really Italian!)
You've taken the Bx 1, 2, 4, 6, 8, 9, 10, 12, 13, 14, 16, 20, 31, 34 or 41 bus, at least once in your life.
You agree that the Grand Concourse has too many lights and no parking!
When people ask you where you're from you tell them the closest train stop.
You don't go to Manhattan. You go "downtown." You say downtown and Expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
You assume that everyone knows where Tracy Towers is.
You never realize you have an accent until one of your new neighbors tells you it's cute.
You're the toughest person you know; your best friend is a close second.
There was at least one pizza place about 1 block from your house.
You curse....A lot! With no guilt whatsoever!
You were sure Son of Sam was looking for you, so you wore your long dark hair with a scarf.
You went to Orchard Beach and walked all the way to section 13 which was the best section.
You went to Rye Playland at least once a year.
Your friends came over to hang out on the porch/stoop or in front your house/apt building.
You've been to the Bronx Zoo & Botanical Gardens on class trips.
You shopped at Alexander's on Fordham Road.
You call it the Stadium, not Yankee Stadium.
You used to go to Fordham Road to buy jewelry and household appliances.
You bought a slice of pizza AND a soda for $1.00.
You still don't understand why people are crazy enough to drive to the Stadium for a Yankee game, when you can take the 4 or the D train.
You know that Riverdale is really the Bronx.
Every year when you were little around Christmas time you would go to see the houses on Pelham Parkway......only if your parents had a car.
You know how to get on a bus using the rear door.
You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
You know that the Bronx is the best borough of all, except for maybe Manhattan....maybe!
You went to #6 parking lot at Jones Beach.
In high school, you cruised the strip on Central Ave in Yonkers.
You had to take city buses and/or the subway to get to high school, unless you went to Spellman & you got your own special bus.
Your mother would yell your name out the window when it was time to come home.
You played stick ball and stoop ball.
You rode horses in Pelham Bay Park or Van Cortlandt Park.
When you say "New York" you mean the "City". The rest of the state really doesn't exist.
You know what a bodega is.....you secretly wish there was one where you live now.
Jaywalking is imaginary. It is an important skill you were taught when learning how to cross the street.
You went sleigh riding at the Van Cortlandt golf course.
You knew New Jersey sucked before the phrase came into vogue.....
You know it is really the "Liberry" and not the Library.
You know what a Spaldeen is.
You kept your bike underneath the stairway on the first floor hallway of your apartment building.
Your fire escape was the closest thing you had to a back yard.
You've played Ringaleevio & Kick the Can around your apartment building.
You have a great sense of humor.
At 16, you used your fake ID to get into French Charley's on Webster Ave.
You know that the Pelham diner is one of the best diners in all of New York City.
During the summer, you went to the public park to play in the sprinklers.
You know that all people from places outside of the Bronx don't know what they missed out on.
Beth, That's great! And I admit that I definitely am familiar with most of those!! My brothers went to Spellman, we definitely played in the sprinklers, I wish I still had a Spaldeen, the boys always played stickball and the girls (mostly) played stoop ball, love Arthur Ave., shopped at Alexander's, and loved Orchard Beach.
Bit of trivia: my grandfather worked at Van Cortland Park during the Depression. It was a WPA project, and his job as night watchman was to make sure that the construction equipment didn't get vandalized.
Can't leave out SC, Turnbull and Don Cardi. Some I deleted because they were already mentioned with New York and Da Bronx.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM BROOKLYN IF...
You don't go to Manhattan; you go to "The City" Growing up, you thought Nellie Bly's Fairyland on Utica Avenue was a major amusement park. You know at least one person with mob ties You've ever played handball in the park You've ever been to the REAL Nathan's in Coney Island (That means I'm a New Yawker now). You know where to find alcohol at 3AM There is a 24 hour bagel shop near your house Your whole family lives either in your house, or a few blocks away A pigeon has ever crapped on your head or at least your car As a kid, you've ever ran into your house to get money because you heard the ice cream man coming You've never been to the shore; you've been to the BEACH You consider going away to college to be NYU, Pace, or Pratt You regularly go to Brennan & Carr to get beef broth You would only be caught dead in Staten Island to go to the mall because you know how crappy Kings Plaza is. You know which ethnic groups you can find in which neighborhoods You know the dirty names that go with all the Catholic girls' high schools. You know the difference between going with, seeing, fooling around with, and going out with somebody Deep down, you know that Long Islanders aren't real New Yorkers. (Oops, sorry SC).
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MYAGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME & MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs! The old man smiled, Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!' Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???' The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,' Rang the doorbell didn't I?'
An eagle is horny for some female action. So, he swoops over the forest, spots a loon sitting on a limb, grabs her by the neck, and flies back to his lair. He ruffles up his feathers and fixes the loon with his sexiest stare. The loon replies:
"I'm a loon/I'm a loon/I love to spoon/under the moon/in June"
This pisses off the eagle, who boots the loon out of his lair. "I want action and I want it now--no poetry!" he declares. He swoops down over the forest again and spots a dove. He grabs the dove by the neck, brings it back to his lair, ruffles up his feathers, gives it his sexiest stare. The dove replies:
"I'm a dove/I'm a dove/I love to make love/under the stars above."
"DAMMIT TO HELL," the eagle yells, "I'm the national symbol. I'm on the Presidential seal, and all the money. I deserve better than this poetry BS. I WANT SOME REAL HOT ACTION--AND I WANT IT NOW!"
So the eagle takes off again. But now he takes his time. Eventually he spys a duck blind. "Aha, a duck!" he chortles. He swoops down, grabs a duck by the neck, brings it back to his lair, ruffles up his feathers, and fixes it with his sexiest stare. The bird replies:
Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
While speeding down a winding mountain road, a man has to swerve to avoid a woman who comes flying round the corner. As she passes him she leans out of the window and screams, "pig!". Astonished, the man turns and shouts back, "idiot!". Then he rounds the bend and crashes into a pig.
An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
A man goes to confession. Tells the priest, "Father, i have sinned. I spent last night with 2 twin sisters,beautiful they were,20 years younger than me. We made love all night in positions i think may be illegal. What will be my penance Father?"
The priest thinks it over. "My son, go and buy a dozen lemons,squeeze them and drink all the juice in one go", he says.
"will this cleanse me of my sin?" the man asks.
"No", says the priest,"but it might knock that smug f*****g look off your face!"
Homely nurse is prepping a male patient for hernia surgery. She shaves half his crotch, then leaves the room, laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks a pretty nurse she encounters in the hallway. "That guy," she replies, "he's got the littlest dick I ever saw. And not only that, he's proud of it--he's got a tattoo on it that says, 'TINY.' " "You're kidding," says the pretty nurse. "No, I'm not," says the homely nurse. "If you don't believe me, go in there and finish the job."
So the pretty nurse goes in and shaves the other half of the guy's crotch. When she's done, the homely nurse is waiting. The pretty nurse says, "You were wrong. The tattoo didn't say 'TINY,' it said 'TICONDEROGA NY.' "
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patient to operate on:
The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'
The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like Construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC , shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.'
Not really a joke and not even sure if this is a true transcript from a court case but it is funny.
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...
Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?' A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running se veral blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?' A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?' A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?' A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?' A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?' A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?' A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.
A husband and wife are doing their grocery shopping. up a case of beer and sticks in into the shopping cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans', he says. 'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping... A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart. 'Whoa, what do you think you're doing?' asks the man. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.
The man replies...'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER, AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE!'
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?'
The father thought for a moment, then answered,
'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.'
'Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars',
and then, ask your brother 'if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
So the boy went to his mother and asked,
'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!'
The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?'
The boy replied, 'Yes... potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically we're living with two sluts and a queer'
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station...
and then the fight started....
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'
And then the fight started.....
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air.
She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, “I’m afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy.”
“So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?” asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, “Tiddles’ legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to Heaven.”
Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: “Mommy almost died this morning.”
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, “How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!”
“Well”, mumbled Lucy, “soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, “Oh Jesus!!! I’m coming, I’m coming!!!” and if it hadn’t been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy.”
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. .. my wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.''
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White Housein D.C.; One from Ohio another from Tennessee and the third, from Kentucky. They all go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Tennessee contractor takes out a tape measure and does somemeasuring, then works some figures with a pencil. 'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.
The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, thensays, 'I can do this job for ! ! $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.
The Ohio contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, '$2,700.' The official, incredulous, whispers back, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?' The Ohio contractor whispers back, '$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire that guy from Kentucky to fixthe fence.' 'Done!' replies the government official.
The wage and hour board in Wiscoonsin was investigating an allegation of unfair wage practices on a farm there, so they went to the farmer ans asked him about who worked there.
The farmer said, "Well, we got a farm hand here, I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board and 3 weeks vacation. HE's been with me 10 years. Then we got a housekeeper who makes 175 a week plus room and board and three weeks vacation, and finally we got this half-wit who makes about $10 a week, does 90% of the work and sleeps with my wife a few times a year."
The wage and hour investigator says, "That's who we need to talk to... that half wit."
Mother of a bright kid visits his class during Open School Week. Teacher praises the kid to the skies, then invites Mom to observe his study habits through a one-way mirror in the classroom. She watches the kid studying his schoolbooks intently. About every 10 or 15 seconds, he sticks his index finger in his mouth, then taps the finger on his brow.
When the kid returns home that day, Mom says she's very proud of his good grades, etc. But, she wonders, "Why do you always stick your finger in your mouth and then tap your brow?"
"I'm following your advice," the little boy replies. "What advice?" asks Mom.
"The other night I was passing by your bedroom door. I heard you say to Daddy, 'Make the head wet, it'll go in better.' "
A woman, married three times, walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color are you looking for?"
The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"
"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first time bride.
You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding; he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."
"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk?
"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened..."
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu: If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell You which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, hang up. It doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway. If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6. If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. But Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you. If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever. If you are blonde, don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up.
Quote for the day:"Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit." Love and appreciate all the women in your life.
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, 'Jesus is watching you.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yep,' the parrot confessed, and then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you.' The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?' 'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?' 'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
A woman is receiving the results of her annual check up from her doctor. After h tells her that everything checked out fine, the woman asks if she can get some advice about a problem her husband is having. The doctor asks what is it, and she replies, "He constantly talks in his sleep." The doctor says there is an easy cure for that. "What is it?" she asks. The doctor says, "Give him a chance to talk while he's awake."
Very good Santino. Funny you post that now. I just finished watching a PBS special on Italian Americans that's making me very nostalgic.
I can relate to almost all of them.
You have many relatives named either Joe or Mary... This is true, but in my family Tony was a big name. I had a brother and a cousin (named after my grandfather)with that name and I married a Tony who's male first cousins (3) on his mom's side were also "Tony" (named after the same grandfather) Holidays were a lot of fun. If someone said "hey Tony!"
You grew u p in a small house, but you still had two kitchens. (One was in the basement) This is absolutely true. We usually only ate in the upstair kitchen in the winter when it was too cold in the basement.
Connie Francis songs makes you cryJust heard "Mama" on the PBS "special" and brought tears to my eyes.
You feel strangely comfortable when you sit on plastic-covered furniture Not really comfortable, but my mom left the plastic on the living room furniture when I was a kid. I think she finally removed it because it even annoyed my dad.
You know all the words to "That's Amore" Pretty much yea. I made it a point to have it played at my daughter's wedding. It just seemed like a "must."
You are offended when the wedding you attend serves less than 9 courses despite the fact that you don't eat half of it. Not offended. Doesn't really happen these days. I do notice though if I don't get enough to eat. I do remember the looks on my friends faces if they joined us at my grandma's house for the holiday when I was a kid. Ha ha ha Thinking back, it was hilarious. And they thought we were done after the past/sausage/meatballs. Don't know that we'd have 9 courses but at least 5/6. Damn, how the hell we'd eat so much?
This could be a thread on it's own with all the Italian Americans we have here. Lotta fun reminiscing.
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one: Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one: Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'
Ernie's wife was thinking that he was working too hard at the plant. He worked 12 hours a day and his only diversions were a night of bowling and a day of golf each week.
She decided to treat her hard working hubby with a night at the strip club. When they approached the door, the bouncer said, "Hi, Ernie. Nice to see you." His wife wondered how he knew Ernie and he replied, "That's Jim. He's in one of the bowling leagues."
The waitress stopped by their table and said, "The usual, Ernie?" His wife's eyebrows rose in disbelief, and he hurriedly explained, "That's the same waitress from the golf lounge."
Finally a stripper dropped herself in Ernie's lap and said, "Want the usual lap dance at your favorite seat in the corner?"
At this his furious wife stormed out of the club and jumped into the back of a cab to go home. Ernie followed and tried to explain that she must have her confused with someone else, but his wife was hitting him and screaming and calling him every 4 lettered word in the book.
The cabbie turned around and said, "Gee, Ernie, you really picked up a bitch tonight."
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped Him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly Hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large Plate-glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still Shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me..'
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't Realise a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is My first day driving a cab...................
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped Him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly Hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large Plate-glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still Shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me..'
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't Realise a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is My first day driving a cab...................
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one: Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked. 'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
An escaped convict breaks into a house and ties up the husband and wife. He jumps on the wife,kisses her ear and then runs into the bathroom. The brave husband leans over to his wife and whispers. "Baby, i saw the way he was all over you just there. You will have to satisfy him. I know its tough but be strong,i will still love you".
The wife glares at him and hisses. "He did'nt kiss me,he was whispering in my ear. He is gay and extremely horny. He is in the bathroom looking for some vaseline. Let's see who is gonna be strong now asshole!"
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu: If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell You which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, hang up. It doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway. If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6. If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. But Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you. If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever. If you are blonde, don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up.
Priceless. But what do you do if your hair is black?
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leani ng off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good ! How are they treating you?'
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...... . . .
Farmer borrows his neighbor's bull for stud. He leads the bull to a pasture where his white cow and black cow are waiting. He leaves his 10-year-old boy in charge. "If anything happens, son, you just come runnin' home and tell me." Farmer returns home, finds the circuit ridin' preacher seated at his table, discussing religion with his wife. He sits down, looks solemn, takes a cup of coffee, when the kid bursts in:
"Hey Dad, guess what? The bull just f**ked the white cow!" Wife turns crimson, preacher nearly faints. Farmer grabs the kid by the ear and takes him outside. "Now lissen: watch yer language! Go back out to the pasture. If anythin' happens with the black cow, you come back and tell me, 'Dad, the bull just surprised the black cow.' Got it: 'The bull surprised the black cow!' "
The farmer returns to the religious discourse with the circuit-ridin' preacher and his wife. About 20 minutes later, his son comes bursting in:
"Hey Dad, guess what?" the kid yells. Farmer leaps up: "I know: the bull surprised the black cow!"
"I'll say he did," the kid beams. "He f**ked the white cow again!"
"Of course you are a polar bear son", roars daddy bear. "What could possibly make you think you're not a polar bear? Has somebody been saying something to you?"
Here is a little test that will help you decide You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock .40 cal, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
Democrat's Answer Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on , could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1 ? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.
Republican's Answer: BANG!
Southerner's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.... (sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG! click . Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?" Son: "You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?" Wife: "You are not taking that to the taxidermist."
A young boy asked his dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?" "You are my son. I'm confident about that," the father said. "Your friend next door is also my son, but that's confidential."
Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day....
My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry!
Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder... What the Hell was I thinking?'
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you .. I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am.... That you're not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go... Would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee, Arkansas , Kentucky & West Virginia )
Happy birthday! You look great for your age. Almost Lifelike!
[i]When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.[/i]
I'm so miserable without you it's almost like you're here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was? Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So we're having you put to sleep.
So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator ..."
A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with beautiful tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere"
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
On January 21, 2009 a guy comes to the White House gate and says to the guard, "Excuse me, but may I go inside to see President Bush?" The guard politely says, "Sir, President Bush is no longer here, President Barack Obama is now in office." The next day the same guy coms back to the same guard and again he asks if he can go in and see President Bush. Again the guard says, "Sir, as I tld you yesterday President Bush is no longer here, President Barack Obama is now in office.
The third day the same guy comes back once more and asks the guard the same question. The guard is now exasperated and says, "You've come here three times asking for President Bush and three times I have told you that President Bush is out of office and tht Barack Obama is now in office. What's the matter with you?
The guy replies, "Nothing's the matter with me. I just like hearing you say that."
A mafia boss has been ripped off by his book-keeper to the tune of 10 million dollars. He especially chose this chap because he was deaf and therefore could'nt hear any of his "business",so could'nt testify against him in court.
However he had done the dirty with the money so the boss went to see him,taking along his attorney ,who knew how to sign.
Once they had the deaf guy in a chair the boss tells his lawyer to sign for him "wheres my fuckin money?"
"i don't know", pleads the deaf man.
"Yes you do. Last chance now. where's my fuckin money?"
"I swear i don't know", signs the man with shaking hands.
The boss takes out his gun and puts it to the guys head.
"Tell him if he does'nt tell me where my money is in the next 10 seconds i'm gonna blow his brains out?" he tells his lawyer.
The lawyer signs this to the man and he signs back in a frenzy.
"Oh my God! I'm so sorry. The money is buried in my cousin Enzo's garden,behind the pond. Tell him i'm sorry. Please don't let him kill me".
"What did he say?"growls the boss.
"He said you haven't got the guts to shoot anybody you fat bastard" says the lawyer
A young boy lost an eye in an accident, and at the time the best they could do was to place a wooden eye in the socket. He wasn't happy about it, and was then made fun of throughout school. Nobody could resist making a joke, and because of that he had no friends.
Later in the year the school he was attending decided to hold a dance. The boy didn't want to go, but his parents forced him to, in an effort to make him be sociable. When he arrived at the dance, he noticed a little girl who had a wooden peg in place of her leg.
After the dance started, the boy was sitting by himself when he noticed the little girl looking over at him and smiling. "Hey, she's actually looking at me!" So he went over and started talking to her, and they were actually getting along. The boy finally decided to muster up the courage to ask her "Do you want to dance?"
The little girl's eyes got wide and she was grinning. "Would I!"
Mrs. O'Malley went into the pharmacy, walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
Mrs. O'Malley replied calmly, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes almost popped as he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy, Mrs. O'Malley! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
Mrs. O'Malley reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.”
A lady goes into Tiffany's to look at the jewels on display. Whilst bending over a cabinet to look at a diamond studded necklace she is mortified to let out a mighty fart. "Please don't let there anyone behind me" she thinks as she sheepishly looks around......only to see a salesman standing right behind her!!!!
The salesman is obviously a gentleman and a professional because he is saying nothing about her mishap and keeps a poker straight face!
Encouraged,the lady enquires as to the price of the necklace to which the chap replies "Madam,if the sight of the necklace was enough to make you pass wind,i assure you the price will cause you to shit yourself!"
Encouraged,the lady enquires as to the price of the necklace to which the chap replies "Madam, if the sight of the necklace was enough to make you pass wind, i assure you the price will cause you to shit yourself!"
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.'
I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".
A doctor, on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."
In a pet shop there are 3 parrots for sale,priced at £200,£100 and £10.
A woman wants to know why last one is so cheap? The pet shop owner tells her that it is a poor parrot rescued from a brothel. The woman thinks this is novel and cute and decides to buy it. When her husband comes home the parrot says to him
"Hello Kevin,haven't seen you for weeks,where you been?"
At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one.
All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally.
Again he is ready for more 'action.'
Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it..... Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.'
And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.'
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says: .........'You mean I was here already?'
The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, senior moments have advantages.
Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?
It's way too early for jokes, but I couldn't sleep and opened my e-mail. This is a good one though.
Baptizing the Bear
A Priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of The University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go up to the Smokies, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
A week later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, spoke first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So, I quickly grabbed my Holy Water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he exclaimed, 'WELL brothers, you KNOW that WE don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrassle. We wrassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So right quick-like, I DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his furry soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising to Jesus.'
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says: 'Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.'
Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was sweet!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad,... you're drunk!"
After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative, ' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'
The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'
(you'll love this)
At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Florida, West Virginia and Ohio.
The IRS sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS ."
"To the IRS ?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to The IRS ...And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you.."
SC, I loved that joke. Thanks for posting it. I would have if I could get to the BB from work.
Maybe you have to be old to appreciate these, but I love this lady, Maxine.
TIS
MY 1 DAY EMPLOYMENT
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'No, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
A man and his wife are attending a party when they spot a loud and noisy drunk propping the bar up. He looks famaliar to the man and he comments on it to his wife.
"Don't you recognise him?" she says. "Thats my first husband. When i left him for you he started drinking and has never stopped!"
"Wow" says the husband. "That was over 25 years ago. Thats a long time to be still celebrating"
Every week for years this foursome play a round of golf at 8:00 a.m. sharp on Sundays. One day a woman who is a member of the club notices that there are only three men playing in the group. She approaches them and asks where the fourth player is, and they solemnly tell her that he died. She espresses her condolences, and then she asks if they would mind if she could join them to make a foursome again. The men stammer a bit and then one says, they are pretty good golfers and they would not want to be slowed down on the course. She assures them that if she can't hold her own she'll quit. They agree to meet the following Sunday, and as she is leaving she says, "By the way there's a chance I'll be fifteen or twenty minutes late," and she walks off. The guys are really upset at this and are grumbling what a nerve she has and how they never should have let her in. The following Sunday she shows up at 8:00 sharp and they go out on the course. Playing from the men's tees she shoots a five under par, and the three men are amazed. The following week she shows up again, this time with left handed clubs, and proceeds to shoot a six under par. Back in the clubhouse they are having something to eat and one of the men asks her how she got so good, and how could she play both right handed and left handed. She explains that she was ambidextrous as a child, and that her father was a teaching pro who taught her to play lefty and righty at a very young age. Then another of the guys asks how does she decide which clubs to use on any given day. She replies "Well, my husband sleeps on his back, naked. When I wake up I look over at him and if it is leaning to the left I play left handed, and if it is leaning to the right I play right handed." The third guy, who thinks he's funny says,"What do you do if it is standing up straight?" "That," she says, "is when I am fifteen or twenty minutes late."
Paddy and Margret get married, and after a year she complains that she has never climaxed during sex. Because there is no doctor around, they go to a veterinarian and he tells them that often when cows won't mate he has someone wave a towel to cool her down and relax her. Having heard this, they hire a strapping lad from Dublin to wave a towel in their bedroom while they have sex. It does cool her off, and relax her a little but still nothing. They go back to the vet who proposes that the next time they trade places, with Paddy using the towel. The young man takes off his clothes, and he and Paddy's wife get it on for about three hours with her shrieking over and over as she has multiple climaxes. When they are finished Paddy says to the lad "Now you see that's how you wave a towel!"
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
Bono is up on stage with U2 doing a gig at Wembley, when the song finishes he starts to slowly clap his hands and says into the microphone: "Every time I clap my hands a child in Africa dies!"
A voice near the front of the stage shouts to Bono in a Irish accent: "Well stop fucking clapping then!"
A familiar one that I'm sure most women will like.
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember that fairies are female......
On Christmas Eve this guy goes into a restaurant and orders eggs benedict. He waits a while, and when the waiter returns with the order, he places it in front of the guy on a huge chrome plate.
When the guy asks the waiter about the plate the waiter says:
"There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch..
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word
'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.
I have some jokes: Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"
So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"
She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".
An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!
Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"
The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."
The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.
The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."
Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.
The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."
The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?"
The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may aswell tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses; the results were pretty interesting: 30% of women think their ass is too fat............ 10% of women think their ass is too skinny......
The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive.
After a visit to the local whore house a man notices a lump has appeared on his willy. Off he goes to the docs to get it looked at. "This is very pretty serious" says the doc.
"How so?" asks the very worried man.
"Well", says the doc, "you know how wrestlers can get cauliflower ears?"
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: 'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.'
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?' The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.'
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.' The next day the grandmother died.
'Holy crap 'thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: 'God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.'He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?' He said 'I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life.'
She said, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!
Ha ha ha!! Good one. I heard something in the same lines but it was the "milk man" that dropped dead. Or, maybe not the milk man. That would have been ages ago. There are no milkmen today.
I remember the milk man! Actually, I don't, because he always came so early that I never saw him. I do remember that shiny metal box, and the cold glass bottles of milk, though. I also remember that when I played house, I would often punish my Raggedy Ann by shutting her in the milk box. My mother found this rather disturbing.
My mother really was disturbed when I did it, too. She used to say, "But we don't do that to you, do we?", but I was unmoved. I would tell my mom, "She was bad. That's where she has to go."
A woman had a female parrot which kept saying: "Hello, I am very horny. Do you want to have some fun?"
She was frantic, so she went to her Pastor to find a solution to the problem. The Pastor said, "Bring your bird to my house. I have two male parrots who read the bible and pray all the time. They will be a good influence on her."
So, the woman brought the parrot to his house and put her parrot into the cage with the two male birds. She squawked, "Hello, I am very horny. Do you want to have some fun?" One male parrot looked at the other one and said, "Put away the Bible, our prayers have been answered."
The weather girl on the TV just said she is expecting 8 inches tonight.
She will be lucky with a face like that!!
Reminds me of the old Henny Youngman joke: "My wife says to me, Give me 8 inches and make it hurt, so I fucked her twice and punched her in the mouth."
The weather girl on the TV just said she is expecting 8 inches tonight.
She will be lucky with a face like that!!
Reminds me of the old Henny Youngman joke: "My wife says to me, Give me 8 inches and make it hurt, so I fucked her twice and punched her in the mouth."
A man loses his dog and is distraught. A week later and there is still no sign of the mutt. his wife tells him to put an ad in the paper,so he does. Another week later and still no dog,or any news.
"Did you put the ad in the paper like i said?" asks the wife.
I know something like this has been posted before, but it's fun to rehash.
Boy, I can relate to nearly all of these.
Things In The Life Of An Italian Child
01. You have at least one relative who wore a black dress every day for an entire year after a funeral.
02. You spent your entire childhood thinking what you ate for lunch was pronounced 'sangwich.'
03. Your family dog understood Italian.
04. Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents and extended family.
05. You've experienced the phenomena of 150 people fitting into 50 square feet of yard during a family cookout
06. You were surprised to discover the FDA recommends you eat three meals a day, not seven.
07. You thought killing the pig each year and having salami, capacollo, pancetta and prosciutto hanging out to dry from your shed ceiling was absolutely normal.
08. You ate pasta for dinner at least three times a week, and every Sunday, and laughed at the commercial for Wednesday is Prince Spaghetti day..
12. You thought nylons were supposed to be worn rolled to the ankles.
13. Your mom's main hobby is cleaning.
14. You were surprised to find out that wine was actually sold in stores.
15. You thought that everyone made their own tomat sauce.
16. You never ate meat on Christmas Eve or any Friday for that matter.
17. You ate your salad after the main course.
18. You thought Catholic was the only religion in the world.
19. You were beaten at least once with a wooden spoon or broom.
20. You thought every meal had to be eaten with a hunk of bread in your hand
21. You can understand Italian but you can't speak it.
22. You have at least one relative who came over on the boat..
23. All of your uncles fought in a World War.
24. You have at least six male relatives named Tony, Frank, Joe or Louie.
25. You have relatives who aren't really your relatives.
26. You have relatives you don't speak to.
27. You drank wine before you were a teenager.
28. You relate on some level, admit it, to the Godfather and the Sopranos. .
29. You grew up in a house with a yard that didn't have one patch of dirt that didn't have a flower or a vegetable growing out of it. Figs, remember?
30. Your grandparent's furniture was as comfortable as sitting on plastic. Wait. You were sitting on plastic.
31. You thought that talking loud was normal.
32. You thought sugared almonds and the Tarantella were common at all weddings.
33. You thought everyone got pinched on the cheeks and money stuffed in their pockets by relatives.
34. Your mother is overly protective of the males in the family no matter what their age.
35. There was a crucifix in every room of the house.
36. Wakes would be held in someone's living room.
37. You couldn't date a boy without getting from your father. (Oh, and he had to be Italian)
38. You called pasta 'macaroni'.
39. You dreaded taking out your lunch at school
40. Going out for a cup of coffee usually out for a cup of coffee over Zia's house.
41 Every condition, ailment, misfortune, and accident was attributed to the fact that you didn't eat something.
Still happens in KY where the Col has some Family. If they have the wake/funeral at a church, a member of the family sits up with the dead all night. Me and the Col done that a few times.
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . . . . . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!
A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."
"Oh, really? Darn," says the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me..."
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no,' says the little old lady. You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I grab it and I say, '$20 or off it comes!'"
"OK, that seems only fair," laughs the cop. "So, good luck. Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this' and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said , Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them.
I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, 'What's wrong, honey?' She replied, 'What happened to my booger?'
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.' Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before? 'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With his sermon complete, he sat down.The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365....Shall We Gather At The River".
A man is out when his friend stops by his house. His wife tells the friend her hubby isn't home. The friend says to the wife, "You're a beautiful woman, and I will give you $200 if you show me your boobs, and I won't tell your husband." So she does it and gets $200. Satisfied, he leaves. A few hours later, the husband comes home. The wife tells him his friend stopped by, and the husband asks, "Did he drop off the $200 he owes me?"
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
I guess this one must be the best joke ever. Even if you don't understand a word - after 2 minutes you'll get a grin on your face that won't leave for hours.
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay , Jamaica .
Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple'
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
The Husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America ,' explained the man.
'We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona , and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off.
My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.'
We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you *%&#@$ crazy!?'
She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.'
And from that moment..... we have lived happily every after.'
A chap is fed up with the stress and rigours of modern life, so he decides to join a Tibetan monastery to get away from it all. The head monk agrees to let him stay so long as he works and observes the vow of silence. In fact he is only allowed to say 2 words every five years!
So for 5 years the man works the fields,chops wood,tends cattle and sleeps in a little cell with a moldy old, holy blanket. After 5 years the head monk comes to him and says he can have his 2 words and the chap says "More blankets!"
Another 5 years of hard work later and he is allowed another 2 words. "More food!" he says this time.
5 years on again and the head monk comes to him again . "I'm leaving" he says this time.
"Thank God for that", says the monk, "you have done nothing but complain the whole time you have been here!"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson laying in bed one day resting. Suddenly Sherlock leaps up, runs into the kitchen and comes back with a jar of lemon curd which he promptly starts to smear all over Watsons backside and asshole!!!
"Good heavens above" cries Watson "what the dickens are you up to Holmes old boy?"
"Lemon entry my dear Watson", says Holmes, "lemon entry!"
I posted this in the YouTube thread also, but felt it may be appropriate here, as well!
It is a question that has plagued music professionals for generations (actually, only about 41 years). Just what the hell is Joe Cocker saying during his Woodstock performance? Well, ladies and gentlemen, someone who speaks Cockernese (or Cocker Spaniel, one of the two) has FINALLY translated it. Here is the fully translated Woodstock performance of "With a Little Help From My Friends." Enjoy!
Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat and says "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my trousers and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here honey, try these on.' So, she did and said 'Well dear they're a little too big, I can't wear them'. So I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will'. Ever since that night we have never had any problems. "Hmmm," says Jack.
So, on his honeymoon Jack takes off his trousers and says to Jill, 'Here babe, try these on'. So she does and says,"These are too large, they don't fit me." So Jack says, "Exactly. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that." Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "Here, you try on mine." So he does and says, "I can't even get into your pants." So Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your damn attitude, you never will".
Guy is playing golf in Ireland. He hits a ball into the rough, which lands on Leprachaun's head. When the man finds the leprachaun he tends to him, and is so apolgetic and kind, the leprachaun wants to repay him, so he tells him good things will be happening to him within a year. Then the leprachaun does a secret incantation and wishes that the man become a great golfer, make lots of money and have the best sex in the world. A year later the same man is plying the same course, and the leprachaun sees him. He approaches the man and he asks, "So tell me how is your golf game?" "Amazing, the man replies. I am now playing on the professional tour, and within the past yrar I have already won two majors.' "And about money?" The man replies he is making money hand over fist, and has so much he doesnt know what to do with it all. Then the leprachaun asks him about his sex life, and the man says, "Its ok, I get sex once or twice a week." The leprachaun frowns and says, "thats not so great, I thought you'd be doing better than that." Then the man says, "Well, its not so bad considering that I am the parish priest."
Two hardened New Yorkers sit down in a Lower East Side restaurant. The waiter asks for their order. "A glass of tea," the first guy says. "For me, too," the second guy says. "And make sure the glass is clean."
Waiter returns with two teas. He asks: "Who wanted the clean glass?"
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.' Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you!I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache.'
That was quite funny! I never knew it had been made into a "cartoon." That story (and variations of it) has been going around for many years - actually, I might have an old greeting card with it somewhere in a drawer. I remember that version had to do with green peas:
"I told the waiter I wanna peas onna my plate. The waiter said, 'You better not-a pees onna you plate, you sonnomabeetch!"
You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where... 1. You are willing to park three blocks away because you found shade. 2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl. 3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town. 4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food. 5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open the oven door. 6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can live in California where... 1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house. 2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway. 3. You know how to eat an artichoke. 4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party. 5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there, rather than how many miles away it is. 6. The four seasons are: fire, flood, mud, and drought.
You can live in New York City where... 1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan. 2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. 3. You think Central Park is "nature". 4. You think that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual. 5. You've worn out a car horn. 6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can live in Maine where... 1. You have only four spices: salt, pepper, Ketchup, and Tabasco. 2. Halloween costumes fit over Parkas. 3. You have more than one recipe for moose. 4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons. 5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can live in the deep South where... 1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store. 2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural. 3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense. 4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
You could live in Colorado where... 1. You carry your $4,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car. 2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center. 3. A pass does not involve a football or dating. 4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where... 1. You've never met any celebrities, but the Mayor knows your name. 2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. 3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day. 4. You end sentences with a preposition, "Where's my coat at?" 5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
Or you can live in Florida where... 1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon. 2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind....even houses and cars. 3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist. 4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state. 5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
Hmmm... Lilo, some of those things mentioned in those lists seemed vaguely familiar. Then it hit me: Here is something my sister-in-law sent my wife almost ten years ago. (My wife was from Michigan; born and raised in Battle Creek, but spent a lot of time in Houghton Lake.)
Signor V.
**********************************
Michiganders
1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
2. "Vacation" means going up north past Grand Rapids for the weekend.
3. You measure distance in hours.
4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.
6. Your whole family wears hushpuppies and blue and gold shirts to church on Sunday, and they yell "Go Blue!" at the end of every prayer.
7. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.
8. You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
10. You think of the major food groups as Beer, Fish, and Venison.
11. You carry jumper cables in your car, and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
Having been born up in the Great North Woods in Iron Mountain, it is scary how many of those items I can relate to. I would add "pasties" to the major food groups.
A primary(grade) school teacher asks her class to use the word fascinate in a sentence but when little Jonny puts his hand up she panics. She has been burned by little Jonny before but when she has a think she realises there is nothing he can do with the word fascinate.
"Go ahead then Jonny", sha says somewhat smugly.
"Well", saya the boy. "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight"!!!!
there was a woman that just went to the store came back home she got some lotion and started rubbing it on her boobs the husband walks in to see what she is doing he says "WHAT ARE YOU DOING" the woman says "RUBBING LOTION ON MY BOOBS" he says "WHY" she says "IT WILL MAKE MY BOOBS BIGGER" he says "MAKE EM BIGGER ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TAKE A PIECE OF TISSUE PAPPER AND RUB IT BETWEEN YOUR BOOBS" She says "TISSUE PAPER HOW IS THAT GOING TO WORK" HE SAYS Well LOOK AT WHAT IT DID TO YOUR ASS.
A young couple wanted to join the church, the pastor told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.' The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.
When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed. 'You are back so soon... Is there a problem?' the pastor inquired.
'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.
The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable.
We tried cold showers, Prayers, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.
Until one afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there.
It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.
The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'
'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Home Depot either.!
A man is walking through the streets at two o'clock in the morning....A policeman stops him and enquires where he's going. 'I'm going to attend a lecture on the evils of drink and its effect on the human body.' 'Who would be giving such a lecture at this time of night?' asks the policeman. 'My wife!' he replies.
A man is walking through the streets at two o'clock in the morning....A policeman stops him and enquires where he's going. 'I'm going to attend a lecture on the evils of drink and its effect on the human body.' 'Who would be giving such a lecture at this time of night?' asks the policeman. 'My wife!' he replies.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The triumph of age and experience:
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time. The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room." After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Doctor Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow." The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news." The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?" The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."
I did not know this... When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure. When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure. When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems. When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you. Warn all your friends.
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Every man in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes." WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$90,000." MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he would like to pay for his treatment.
She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother in law.
God only knows we need this one in the world today !!!!!!!!!!!
A man sees a good looking lady giving him the eye in the supermarket! "Do i know you?" he asks her. "Are'nt you the Father of one of my children?" she asks him. He quickly thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful. "Were you the hooker i made love to over the pool table at my stag do whilst your mate spanked my ass with a big stick of celery?" he asks her. "Er no..." she replies "I'm your son's teacher!"
Yogi, my friend, this shows you have always been a hoot. love it since 2007
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he would like to pay for his treatment.
She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother in law.
God only knows we need this one in the world today !!!!!!!!!!!
Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one..
"I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."
"I got it from my genie." "You have a genie?" he asked. "Yes, he's right here in my pocket." "Could I see him?"
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" "Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.
About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?"
TIS
TIS, I also pulled this one out of the morgue. Good one I have had that prayer for years, but now days it would be a drag along.
Guy goes into a high-end wine and cigar bar and tells the barkeep to give him a snifter of Louis XIV brandy. He sniffs it, rolls it on his tongue, and yells at the bartender, "This is not Louis XIV brandy--it's Louis XIII brandy! Get me what I asked for!"
While the barkeep's busy looking, a guy at the end of the bar decides to have some fun. He drains his brandy, brings the snifter under the bar, and pisses in the snifter. Then he approaches the "expert":
"Sir, I'm very impressed with your knowledge--you're a real connosseur. I wonder if you can help me identify this brandy?"
The hotshot looks doubtfully at the other guy's snifter, sniffs it, rolls it on his tongue, then spits it out. "This tastes like piss!!" he shouts.
Guy goes into a high-end wine and cigar bar and tells the barkeep to give him a snifter of Louis XIV brandy. He sniffs it, rolls it on his tongue, and yells at the bartender, "This is not Louis XIV brandy--it's Louis XIII brandy! Get me what I asked for!"
While the barkeep's busy looking, a guy at the end of the bar decides to have some fun. He drains his brandy, brings the snifter under the bar, and pisses in the snifter. Then he approaches the "expert":
"Sir, I'm very impressed with your knowledge--you're a real connosseur. I wonder if you can help me identify this brandy?"
The hotshot looks doubtfully at the other guy's snifter, sniffs it, rolls it on his tongue, then spits it out. "This tastes like piss!!" he shouts.
I was waiting in line at a supermarket yesterday, when an older woman ahead of me gave up her place in line to me because her husband was still shopping. The line was long, so in the process of chatting, she told me that she'd been married to him for 61 years.
Then she finally spotted him. "Over here, honey!" she waved to him. I told her I was impressed that, after 61 years of marriage, she still called him "honey."
"After 61 years, I've forgotten his name," she answered.
I was waiting in line at a supermarket yesterday, when an older woman ahead of me gave up her place in line to me because her husband was still shopping. The line was long, so in the process of chatting, she told me that she'd been married to him for 61 years.
Then she finally spotted him. "Over here, honey!" she waved to him. I told her I was impressed that, after 61 years of marriage, she still called him "honey."
"After 61 years, I've forgotten his name," she answered.
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was sleeping with his wife.
A man looking for a job went into the Job Center in downtown New York City and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read: "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."
"Good grief! Is that where the job is?"
"No sir...that's where the end of the line is right now."
As we are all getting older, I would like to inform my friends on new acronyms so we can all understand each other. ATD- at the doctor BFF- best friend fell- bring the wheelchair BYIT- bring your own teeth FWITW- forgotwhere I was LMDO- Laughing my dentures out ROFLACGU- rolling on the floor, laughing and can't get upTTM talk to me louder T4M- time 4 meds PMA pissed myself again SHTTF- shouldn't have trusted that fart.
Went down to Bed Bath and Beyond ! Bought one of those thar shake and weights ! 5 lb's ! $31.95 with tax , brought it home watched the video ! Played with it two days ! Then thought to myself. WTF I can play with myself and so I took it back and got a refund !
A cannibal was walking through the jungle And came upon a restaurant operated by a Fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....
+ Tourist: $8.00
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $12.50
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00 The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for the Politicians?" The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."
An Irish chap is walking down the road when he sees a sandwich with 2 red wires sticking out of it, lying in the road. So he rings the police and tells the operator, "Hallo...i av found a sandwich dat loiks like a feckin bomb".
I got up this morning and put on my shirt and started to button it - one of the buttons came off. I then went out to my car, tried to open the door, but the handle came off. Now I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I got up this morning and put on my shirt and started to button it - one of the buttons came off. I then went out to my car, tried to open the door, but the handle came off. Now I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
Ha ha ha ha!!! Hopefully that's the end of your bad luck. Better stay home.
Two cows were sitting around the barn and one said to the other, "I was artificially inseminated this mooorning." The other said, "What!? You're pulling my leg." The first replied, "I really was. No bull."
A guy walked into a bar, lugging a big chunk of macadam. He spotted the bartender and said, "Give me a shot of whiskey...and one for the road."
In the same bar a skeleton made his way to the bartender, saying, "Can I have a beer and a mop?"
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived
Date: April 4th, 2012
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
I think I may have posted this a few years ago, but I still get a kick out of it!
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, "Who's on First?" may have sounded something like this:
Costello calls a computer store to ask about a computer. Abbot answers the phone.
Abbott: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
Costello: Yes. I'm setting up an office at home and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: No, my name's Lou.
Abbott: Your computer?
Costello: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: I told you, my name's Lou.
Abbott: OK then, what about Windows?
Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in there?
Abbott: No. But do you want a computer with Windows?
Costello: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
Abbott: Wallpaper at first.
Costello: Never mind the windows! I need a computer and some software.
Abbott: Software for Windows?
Abbott and Costello Computer Skit Costello: No! On the computer! I need something I can use to run my business, write proposals and track expenses. What do you have?
Abbott: Office.
Costello: Yeah, for my office. I told you that. Can you recommend anything?
Abbott: I just did.
Costello: You just did what?
Abbott: Recommended something.
Costello: You recommended something?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: For my office?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: OK. What did you recommend for my office?
Abbott: Office.
Costello: Yes, for my office!
Abbott: I recommend Office with Windows.
Costello: My office already has windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to write a proposal. What would I need?
Abbott: Word.
Costello: What word?
Abbott: Word in Office.
Costello: The only word in office is office.
Abbott: You need the Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: Which word in office for windows?
Abbott: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
Costello: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't give me some straight answers. What about bookkeeping? Do you have anything I can use to track my money?
Abbott: Sure, Money.
Costello: That's right. What do you have?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: I need money to track my money?
Abbott: Yes, and It comes bundled with your computer.
Costello: What comes bundled with my computer?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: Money comes with my computer?
Abbott: Yes. No extra charge.
Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much do I get?
Abbott: One copy.
Costello: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
Abbott: We got a license from Microsoft to copy Money.
Costello: They can give you a license to copy money?
Abbott: Why not? They own it!
(A few days later)
Abbott: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
What is a word made up of 4 letters, yet is also made up of 3. Although is written with 8 letters, and then with 4. Rarely consists of 6, and never is written with 5.
What is a word made up of 4 letters, yet is also made up of 3. Although is written with 8 letters, and then with 4. Rarely consists of 6, and never is written with 5.
I got it. And don't forget it always has 2 letters, and frequently is written with 10. Right?
What is a word made up of 4 letters, yet is also made up of 3. Although is written with 8 letters, and then with 4. Rarely consists of 6, and never is written with 5.
I got it. And don't forget it always has 2 letters, and frequently is written with 10. Right?
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English", he said "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such a Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However there is no language in which a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right".
Tho I haven't been there in years, Venice Beach can be a source of people watching entertainment too.
I was on Hollywood Blvd. a couple days ago with some visiting relatives. We had to park in a lot down a side street. As we got out of our car, Zorro (cape, mask and all) was walking down the street, saying hello as he passed by us. I think (or guessed) he may have been part of the many characters hired to walk down the Blvd. and have pictures taken with tourists. Then again, you never know. There really are all kinds of characters there.
Sensation: finally Tommaso Buscetta revealed to the judges the names of mafia politicians: Giulio, Cirino, Calogero, Ciriaco... Meanwhile the surnames remain clouded in mystery...
But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?
To which he replied. That would be fine with me.
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just nough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye
super sad story this 60 year old ladys husband died and she was so upset she wanted to kill herself so she called the hospital to see exactly where ur heart is so she could do it right. . .they told her right under her left boob. . .that night at the hospital they treated the old lady for a gun shot to the knee cap. . .aint gravity a bitch
super sad story this 60 year old ladys husband died and she was so upset she wanted to kill herself so she called the hospital to see exactly where ur heart is so she could do it right. . .they told her right under her left boob. . .that night at the hospital they treated the old lady for a gun shot to the knee cap. . .aint gravity a bitch
CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing there were three people left, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will be following all your instructions, regardless of circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her." The man said, "You're kidding, I could never shoot my wife" The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for the job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but can not kill my wife." The agent said, "You do not have what it takes, you go home with your wife."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another, they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls and all kinds of noices. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said ... "This gun is loaded with blanks damn it, I had to beat him to death with the f-g chair!"
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life. The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died. The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest......"
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life. The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died. The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest......"
Medical fact: If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day it increases the chance of a stroke. If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well!
Dad cooks a deer and doesn't tell the kids what it is. He gives one clue: it's what your mother calls me. One of the sons yells "It's a fucking dick, don't eat it!!"
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.' 'Mrs.. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's.'
'That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him
I greatly enjoyed the map! Signora V. was a Michigander - born in Cadillac, raised in Battle Crik (sic), spent lots of time with relatives in Houghton Lake and Lake City (where her ashes are).
Lovely people, lovely memories.
Will willingly re-post Michigan humor upon request.
Gay marriage and marijuana being legalized the same day. Leviticus 20:13 - “If a man lays with another man he should be stoned.” We've just been interpreting wrong all these years.
Gay marriage and marijuana being legalized the same day. Leviticus 20:13 - “If a man lays with another man he should be stoned.” We've just been interpreting wrong all these years.
An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.
The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."
The other day I went to the bank to open a joint account. The teller asked "With whom are you opening this account?" I replied "Whoever has the most money."
One day I ma gonna Detroit to bigga hotel. I go down to breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She bring me only one piss. I tell her I wanna two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna va bitch! I don't even know the lady and she calls me a sonna va bitch.
Later I go to eat at the bigga ristorante. The waitress she bring me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tell her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand, I wanna fock onna table. She say you better no fock onna table, you sonna va bitch!
So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is a no shit onna ma bed. I call the manager and I tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna shit onna my bed. He say you better no shit onna bed, you sonna va bitch!
I go to the check-out and the man at the desk say...Peace on you. I say...Piss onna you too, you sonna va bitch! I gonna back to Italia!
This ain't a joke but it had me ROTFL anyway. And if it sounds a little dark well I apologize. Two years ago I was driving home and I see this big, big snarling broad getting into a real trash talking jive going right at it with some black Jamaican guy calling each other all the names under the sun you can think of on one of those deadbeat chat shows without the bleeps. I pull over and check it out.
Anyway she huffs and puffs at him like she's gonna blow the house down and jumps up and down like a crouching tiger hidden dragon is about to let loose with some serious shit and attempts to fly kick the guy with dreads but she barely rises her ass off the ground when she begins to fall flat and kicks her heel up before she ends up flat on her ass on the floor like a beached whale kicking up the sand.
Then the Jamaican kicks her when she's down so I holler and ran over with this old Jewish guy coming from another angle and the black guy sped off so to console this crazy bitch the old school Jewish guy slides up to her real slow and just says calmly seriously thinking this will help that a little encouragement will do her the world of good:- "Don't beat yerself up, it happens. If I would have one criticism it would be the way you tried to take this guy out. Don't take this the wrong way but your trouble was going for da Bruce Lee when you were better built for the sumo. This thing could easily have gone the other way. Now you hadda got that creep in a bear hug you coulda been a coupla cupcakes away from kicking that raggaman to the curb instead "
She stays calm and then explodes, this ain't helping believe me and she roars like a hungry hippo or something. After it was over I offer to drop him somewhere and I says where you wanna be the guy says "Take me to the zoo, I need to be caged away from all these animals around here"
I still laugh thinking about it and it happened nearly two years ago now. He sounded like Rodney Dangerfield or something, real old school LMAO.
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created."
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.
Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven,
Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday. Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.
Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."
wife: Babes, there is no I in this marriage. We are a team,a unit, in it together till the end. We are a WE, together as one. Don't forget that!!
Husband: Okay darling. Well it seems "we" have got your sister pregnant.....
You reminded me of the priest's housekeeper, who told the priest, "Your oven needs to be repaired." The priest constantly reminded her that it wasn't his, but was "ours, the parish bought it for us." he insisted that the property in the home be viewed as "ours," belonging to our parish, not just his.
She finally got the hang of it, but one morning when the bishop was visiting, she ran down the steps yelling, "Father! Father! There's a mouse under our bed!"
wife: Babes, there is no I in this marriage. We are a team,a unit, in it together till the end. We are a WE, together as one. Don't forget that!!
Husband: Okay darling. Well it seems "we" have got your sister pregnant.....
You reminded me of the priest's housekeeper, who told the priest, "Your oven needs to be repaired." The priest constantly reminded her that it wasn't his, but was "ours, the parish bought it for us." he insisted that the property in the home be viewed as "ours," belonging to our parish, not just his.
She finally got the hang of it, but one morning when the bishop was visiting, she ran down the steps yelling, "Father! Father! There's a mouse under our bed!"
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golfcourse --'
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
A homely nurse is shaving a guy's groin area in preparation for a hernia operation. She gets halfway through, then runs out the door, laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the pretty nurse. "This guy's got a eentsy little pecker," says the homely nurse. "Not only that, he's proud of it: he has 'tiny' tattooed on it." "You're kiddding," says the pretty nurse. "No I'm not," says the homely nurse. "Go in and finish the job--you'll see for yourself."
The pretty nurse goes in and comes out 10 minutes later. "Nah, he doesn't have 'tiny' tattooed on his thing--it's 'Ticonderoga NY.'"
Gay marriage and marijuana being legalized the same day. Leviticus 20:13 - “If a man lays with another man he should be stoned.” We've just been interpreting wrong all these years.
That's like the Frankie Boyle joke
“If a man lays with another man he should be stoned.”
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there'...... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waited who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman...
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '8' inches in your pants.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.....
It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Marenalla, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio and a member of the Society of Wood Heads Only! But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches. Just send the wine back.'
I saw an interesting coffee cup on sale in a hospital gift shop. Showed a patient running down a corridor, glasses askew, followed by a crazed-looking nurse wielding a pair of scissors. Behind her, a doctor shouts: "No, no, nurse--I said slip off his spectacles!"
Guy goes to the Bronz zoo. He sees the gorila cage. He waves to the gorilla the gorilla waves back at him. Guy thinks this is fun he jumps up and down. Then the gorilla jums up and down. Then the guy claps his hands and the gorilla claps his hands.
Then the guy put's his finger at the bottom of his eye and pulls it down. Gorilla see's him do that and he goes nuts. He reaches out of the cage grabs the guy and starts banging him against the cage. People around are screaming "The gorilla is attacking the gorilla is attacking"
The gorilla trainer comes out and get's the Gorilla to turn the guy loose. But the guy is messed up he had a bad head fracture, couple of broken arms, cracked ribs and a broken leg.
A month later the trainer visits the guy in the hospital. The guy thanks him for comming and asks him what made the gorilla so angry.
Traner said the gorilla is domesticated so you must have did something to get him angry.
Guy said all I did was wave to the gorilla the gorilla waves back. then I jump up and down. Then the gorilla jumps up and down. Then I claped my hands and the gorilla claps his hands.
Then I put my finger at the bottom of my eye and pull it down. Gorilla see's me do that and he goes nuts.
The trainer says stop I know what happened.
When you put your finger at the bottom of your eye and pulled it down that means fu_k you in gorilla talk.
A month later the guy finally get;s out of the hospital and now he wants some revenge on that gorilla.
So he goes to the drug store and buys a straight razor. Then he goes to the italian deli and buys an Italian Salami and goes back to the zoo.
Before he get's to the Gorilla cage he puts the Italian Salami in his pants.
Then he see's the gorilla and starts doing what he did before. He waves to the gorilla the gorilla waves back. then he jumps up and down. Then the gorilla jumps up and down. Then he claped his hands and the gorilla claps his hands.
Then the guy takes out the straight razor pulls part of the salami out of his pants and cuts it in half. Then he throws the straight razor into the cage near the Gorilla.
Gorilla looks down at the razor, and then looks at the guy and puts his finger at the bottom of his eye and pulls it down
My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, She sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that then not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital Emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her(Try to get a mental picture of this.). Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying,
"Well, DoctorI'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......I just never saw one mounted and framed."
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One Evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some shell reloads for an upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After along period of silence she finally speaks.
Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat.
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
Three senior golfers are walking down the fairway.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said Ray the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens." "Ah, that 's nothing," said Ian the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."
"Actually," said Roy the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked Ray the 60-year-old. "No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all." Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am." Puzzled with this Ray the 60-year-old said, "Let 's get this straight.. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and poop every morning at 6.30 am. So what 's so tough about being 80?"
4 Husbands The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(Wait for it)
She smiled and explained,
"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
That was a good one Lilo. **************************
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman standing over a lifeless man. She is holding a bloody 5-iron. The detective says, “Ma’am, is that your husband?” “Yes, it is.” “Did you hit him with that golf club?” “Yes,” she says. “How many times?” says the detective.
The woman pauses, then says, “I don’t know — put me down for five.”
Once upon a time a Prince asked a beautiful Princess if she would marry him. "NO!" she said.
And the Prince lived happily ever after, rode motorcycles, screwed long legged women, hunted, fished, raced cars, went to strip clubs, dated women half his age, drank whisky and beer and never heard bitching, never paid child support or alimony, kept his house, guns ate whatever he wanted and blew enormous farts, had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and pissed outside whenever he wanted.
A girl realized that she had started growing hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her Mom calmly said, "That part where hair has grown is called "monkey". Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "That's nothing, mine is already eating bananas."
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they' re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. Want anything while I'm in the kitchen? he asks.
Will you get me a bowl of ice cream? Sure. Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it? she asks. No, I can remember it.
Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?
He says, I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you ll forget that, write it down? she asks.
Irritated, he says, I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha that lying SOB told you I was speeding too.
A group of elderly Catholic women are sitting together.
The first one says, "My son's a priest, and whenever he enters a room everyone says "Father." The next one says, "My son's a bishop, and whenever he enters a room everyone says, "Your Excellency." the next one says, "My son's a cardinal, and whenever he enters a room everyone says, "Your Emminence." The next one says, "My son is the pope, and whenever he enters a room everyone says , "Your holiness." The next one says, my daughter is 5'11' blonde, blue eyes, a face that has been used in countless advertisements, with measurements of 36-24-32, and whenever she enters a room everyone says, "Oh my God."
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The little silver-haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............
A man was dining in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
A man was dining in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
Women watches an Italian funeral pass. There are two funeral hearst. Then an old italian women with her dog, and behind them 200 hundred other women.
The women never saw a funeral percession like this before. So she starts to talk with the women walking the dog.
She asks who is in the first Hearst? The women walking her dog answers that is my husband. The other women asks how did your husband die. She said he was beating me so my dog attacked him and killed him. Then she asks who is in the second hearst? She answers that is my husband mother she tried to stop the dog. So the dog killed her as well.
Then the women asked her if she can borrow her dog? She said yes but you have to get in line with the other women walking behind me.
Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis and one day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!" Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I hear ya can drink dat jet fuel and get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed. Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?"
Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?" Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?" Ole says, "No dat jet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta do dis more often."
Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting." Ole asked, "Vat's dat?" Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?" Ole stopped to think. "No”
Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis and one day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!" Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I hear ya can drink dat jet fuel and get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed. Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?"
Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?" Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?" Ole says, "No dat jet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta do dis more often."
Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting." Ole asked, "Vat's dat?" Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?" Ole stopped to think. "No”
Two nuns driving along in their car on a nice hot day. They come to traffic lights and are sitting with the windows down when a car load of rowdy youths pull up alongside.
"Wahay penguins, get your boobs out," shouts one.
"Give us a kiss penguin," shouts another.
Mother Superior is horrified and says to her passenger "Sister Bernadette, i think these yobs don't know who we are? Show them your cross"
"Yes Mother Superior," says Sister Bernadette who leans out the window and shouts. "Fuck off you little bastards or i will smash your ugly faces in!"
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he reentered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American Space Programs. Over the years many people questioned Mr. Armstrong as to what the "Good Luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Mr. Armstrong always just smiled and would not answer. Just last year, (On July 5, 1996) in Tampa, Florida while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 29 year old question to Mr. Armstrong again. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question... When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in his backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, the then young Neil Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky saying "Oral Sex! You want oral sex? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her.
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love," replied St. Peter.
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you", the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school;usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, seated behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!", shouted April! The teacher said, "very good"; April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "who is our Lord and Savior?" But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!,"shouted April and the teacher said, "very good". Again, April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question: "what did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F**KING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!!!"
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school;usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, seated behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!", shouted April! The teacher said, "very good"; April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "who is our Lord and Savior?" But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!,"shouted April and the teacher said, "very good". Again, April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question: "what did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F**KING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!!!"
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared. The waitress, thinking this was quite risqué behaviour that might offend other diners, went over to the table and tactfully, began by saying to the woman , "Pardon me, madam, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He actually just walked in the door."
Hi, It's really nice to read your all jokes and they are very funny , I think these stuff have very important in our life because it's help us to laugh and laughing is the very important because it's decrease our stress and worries and many thing more.
Shamus asked Paddy how he got his black eye. "You'd never believe it," said Paddy, "but I got it in church." He said he had been sitting behind a fat lady and when they stood for a hymn, he noticed her dress was creased into the cheeks of her arse. "All I did was lean forward and pull it out and she turned around and hit me." Said Paddy. A week later Shamus was surprised to see Paddy had another black eye. "I got this one in church, too," explained Paddy. He said he found himself behind the same fat woman and when they stood for a hymn her dress was once again creased into the cheeks of her arse. "My little nephew reached forward and pulled it out. But I knew she didn't like that, so I leaned over and tucked it right back in ."
Shamus asked Paddy how he got his black eye. "You'd never believe it," said Paddy, "but I got it in church." He said he had been sitting behind a fat lady and when they stood for a hymn, he noticed her dress was creased into the cheeks of her arse. "All I did was lean forward and pull it out and she turned around and hit me." Said Paddy. A week later Shamus was surprised to see Paddy had another black eye. "I got this one in church, too," explained Paddy. He said he found himself behind the same fat woman and when they stood for a hymn her dress was once again creased into the cheeks of her arse. "My little nephew reached forward and pulled it out. But I knew she didn't like that, so I leaned over and tucked it right back in ."
Thanks for this but are you realy from South Boston? The moment i see "arse" in a post i instantly think, British. If i'm wrong i apogize. But you accidentaly type British words like Immamobguy, and you have the same avatar as the banned account Immamobguy made after being banned.
Shamus asked Paddy how he got his black eye. "You'd never believe it," said Paddy, "but I got it in church." He said he had been sitting behind a fat lady and when they stood for a hymn, he noticed her dress was creased into the cheeks of her arse. "All I did was lean forward and pull it out and she turned around and hit me." Said Paddy. A week later Shamus was surprised to see Paddy had another black eye. "I got this one in church, too," explained Paddy. He said he found himself behind the same fat woman and when they stood for a hymn her dress was once again creased into the cheeks of her arse. "My little nephew reached forward and pulled it out. But I knew she didn't like that, so I leaned over and tucked it right back in ."
Thanks for this but are you realy from South Boston? The moment i see "arse" in a post i instantly think, British. If i'm wrong i apogize. But you accidentaly type British words like Immamobguy, and you have the same avatar as the banned account Immamobguy made after being banned.
No I'm from East Boston ,the other side of the tunnel. My family is Irish American and used the term arse quite often as in "In a Pig's arse". I come from a large family of Irish Boston cops. Eastie was once an Irish haven before it was known for being mostly Italian . Now it is mostly Latino. As far as Imamobguy's avatar, who gives a Rat's ass. I chose the rat bastard because my Grand Father arrested him once. I like the irony. Oh and by the way at one time everybody from here was British . We had a war . We threw tea overboard kicked their ass and sent them packing. Because we won we got to pick and choose which sayings and terminology we wanted to keep. Arse was the winner.
An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
A guy moves into a really old house, and while rummaging through the basement he finds an oil lamp, which he rubs. uddenly a genie comes out of the lamp and tells him he can have one wish. The guy thinks for a minute and he says, "I always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I am afraid to fly and I don't want to take a boat. Can you build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive? The Genie thnks for a minute and says, "A bridge to Hawaii? Do you have any idea what that would inolve? Permits, Engineering and architectural accomplishments beyond anything known. A way that the bridge does not interefere with shipping lanes and is environmentally sound. Millions of pilings, incredibly labor intensive....I just dont know. Please ask for something else. The guy ponders this for a minute and then he says, "OK then, instead, I wish to understand women." The Genie stares at him for a moment and says "One lane or two?"
George Zimmerman took a test to become a police officer. To see if he was qualified a cop sat him down and showed him a picture of a suspect for 5 secons and then put it face down on the table. Cop - Ok, describe the suspect. Zimmerman - Thats easy he only has one eye. Cop - You idiot, that was a profile shot. Now take another look (shows him photo for another 5 seconds) Zimmerman - This is a no brainer. He only has one ear. Cop - It's a PROFILE, whats wrong with you? Zimmerman - Please give me one more chance. Cop - OK, (shows it again and puts it face down) Zimmerman - He is wearing contact lenses. Cop - Thats an amazing deduction. Let me check the file. (He checks and comes back into the room) He does wear contact lenses. How did you figure that out? Zimmerman - Easy. How could a guy with one eye and one ear wear glasses?
Zimmerman - Easy. How could a guy with one eye and one ear wear glasses?
Even though it's technically a funny joke, I don't see the need to transfer the over-heated discussion of the other threads into this one where we're supposed to have fun, no matter who posts a joke.
A guy moves into a really old house, and while rummaging through the basement he finds an oil lamp, which he rubs. uddenly a genie comes out of the lamp and tells him he can have one wish. The guy thinks for a minute and he says, "I always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I am afraid to fly and I don't want to take a boat. Can you build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive? The Genie thnks for a minute and says, "A bridge to Hawaii? Do you have any idea what that would inolve? Permits, Engineering and architectural accomplishments beyond anything known. A way that the bridge does not interefere with shipping lanes and is environmentally sound. Millions of pilings, incredibly labor intensive....I just dont know. Please ask for something else. The guy ponders this for a minute and then he says, "OK then, instead, I wish to understand women." The Genie stares at him for a moment and says "One lane or two?"
Damn, that joke is old, I swear my father told that to me when I was a kid! Sounds like it came from those old funny papers or the New York he would read!
Here is another old joke for you, since we are pulling them out of years gone by!
Before there was Dirty Johnny there was Little Harry
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I ...think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants." Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum." Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......
Three women sit in a beauty parlor talking about their husbands. The first woman says, "Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn't there!"
"I know!" the next woman says, "Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house, but when I called he wasn't there."
The third woman says, "I always know where my husband is."
"Impossible!" both women exclaim, "He has you completely fooled!"
FROZEN CRABS AND THE BLONDE FLIGHT ATTENDANT A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up...so she took them home and ate them.
There are two really great lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are and,
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
1) Finally Tommaso Buscetta revealed to the judges the names of mafia politicians: Giulio, Cirino, Calogero, Ciriaco….. While the SURNAMES are still clouded in mystery.
2) Putin receives a phone call in the Kremlin: -Hello. -It’s the Coca-cola manufacturing company. We have a business offer for you: you change your nation’s flag, by putting the Coca Cola brand on it: white letters “Coca Cola” on a red background, while we pay your country’s debts. Putin then calls the Prime Minister and asks: You remember when will our latest contract with the Aquafresh toothpaste company be over?
3) Several people of different nationalities in a restaurant found a fly in their glass of wine. Their reactions: The one from Sweden asked a for new wine in the same glass The one from England asked for a new wine in a new glass The one from Finland took the fly out of the wine and drank it The one from Russia drank the wine with the fly The one from China took the fly out of the wine and ate it without drinking the wine. The one from Israel took the fly out of the wine and sold it to the Chinaman. The one from the USA sued the restaurant and asked for a 20000000 dollars compensation The “macho” shouted that wine is a drink for women, stabbed the waiter and asked why don’t they bring him some vodka instead.
4) A survey among different nations: there is a question “tell your honest opinion about the lack of food supply in the rest of the world”. The Europeans didn’t get what “lack” meant The Africans didn’t get what “food supply” meant The Americans didn’t get what “the rest of the world” meant The Chinese didn’t get what an “opinion” meant The Italians are still discussing about the meaning of the word “honest”
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10 speed bicycle.
His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'
Little Joseph told him, 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no frigging bike.
obama enters a dimentia/alzheimers facility and asks a patient there "Do you know who I am???" The patient says "No, but if you ask that nurse over there, she can tell you"
An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, how do you stay in such great physical condition?'
I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'
"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'
'Who said my Father's dead?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Nono's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
The moral of the story - Pay your bloody bills !!!
Guy named Bill walks into a bar......sees his buddy Tom from high school sitting there with 6 empty glasses in front of him. Says hey, what's up? 6 drinks..either you're depressed or you're celebrating.
Tom: I'm celebrating my first blowjob
Bill: Oh, shit...congratulations, let me buy the next round!!
Tom: Don't bother..I've been sitting here drinking for 3 hours and still can't get the taste out of my mouth.
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
A new Catholic priest was doing his first turn in the confession booth. A woman walked in and said she had been cheating on her husband. The priest was unsure of what to tell her, so he asked the nearest clergyman what the priest gives for adultery and he was told ten hail Mary's and 5 our father's. Next a man confessed to stealing a TV to buy drugs. Again the priest asked the man what the other priest gave for theft. He was told to give the same answer. Next a man came in to confess to having gay anal sex. The new priest was lost again so he looked for the clergyman. He couldn't find him this time, but there was an altar boy cleaning up after a church function. He asked the boy if he knew what the other priest gave for anal sex. The boy replied '20 bucks and a slice of pizza'
A philosopher was at a cafe pondering the concept of existence and nothingness. He called the waitress over and asked for a coffee with no cream. She replied, "were all out of cream, how about one with no milk"
A senior citizen drove his brand new Porsche to 100 Miles/hr. Looking in his rear view mirror, he spotted a police car right behind him. He accelerated to 140 Miles/hr then 150... then 170....Suddenly he thought, I am too old for this shit. So, he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
The officer walked up to him and looked at his watch and said: "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and am taking off for the weekend.. If you can give me a reason that I have never heard before for why you were speeding, I'll let you go." The man looked very seriously at the officer and replied: "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back." The cop left saying: "Have a good day. Sir!"
Might be corny, I'm trying to keep clean ones in here.
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He stealthily crept through the lounge and was stopped dead in his tracks when he heard a loud voice clearly saying, 'Jesus is watching you!'
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. 'Jesus is watching you', the voice rang out again.
The thief stopped dead again. He was frightened out of his wits. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a birdcage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot, 'Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?' 'Yes', said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a heavy sigh of relief and asked the parrot: 'What's your name?' 'Ronald', said the bird.
'That's a stupid name for a parrot, 'sneered the burglar.' What idiot named you Ronald?' The parrot said, 'The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus.'
Two dogs are in the waiting room of a veterinarian. Dog 1 asks Dog 2 what he's there for. "My mistress's little girl was holding a cookie in her hand," says Dog 2. "I couldn't help myself--I grabbed it away from her and bit her on the hand. They're gonna put me down for sure! What about you?"
"Well," says Dog 1, "my mistress was having a shower and I was in the bathroom. I got all hot and bothered...and I couldn't help myself--I jumped her." "Uh-oh," says Dog 2, "it's curtains for you, too."
"Nah," says Dog 1. "She just wants to get my nails clipped."
Homely nurse leaves patient's hospital room, laughing. "What's so funny?" asks pretty nurse. "I was shaving that guy's groin for his hernia operation," she replies. "He's got this little pecker--and he's proud of it. Even has a tattoo on his dong that says TINY."
"I gotta see that for myself," says the pretty nurse. "Go ahead," says the homely nurse. "I only shaved half his groin."
The pretty nurse goes in, comes out 15 minutes later. "That tattoo doesn't say TINY--it says TICONDEROGA NY."
An Indian man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to India on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Indian man hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank.
He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Indian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Indian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow “$5,000?
The Indian replies: “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return’”
Two Italian guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.
The driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, “Why’d you do that?
The trooper says, “You’re in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you’ll have your license ready.”
Driver says, “I’m sorry, officer, I’m not from around here.”
The trooper runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, “What’d you do that for?”
The cop says, “Just making your wishes come true.” The passenger says, “Huh?”
The cop says, “I know that two miles down the road you’re gonna say, ‘I wish that guy would’ve tried that crap with me!
Big Lorenzo, an Italian fella, is bragging to his friends about his sons: “I’ma so prouda my oldest son. He maka fifty thousand dollar evra year. Hesa Engineer!”
“I even more prouda ma second son. He maka five hundred thousand dollar a year. Hesa Doctor!”
“But, I’ma da proudest a ma youngest son. He maka Five million dollar a year. Hesa Sports Mechanic!”
Paolo, his friend asks: “What’s a Sports Mechanic?”
Lorenzo replies: “Wella, he can fixa everytin. He fixa da horseraces, he fixa da boxin matcha…….”
An elderly couple just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
A couple decided to go to the movies to celebrate a romantic Saturday evening. When they had sat down in the theater just before the movie would start, the man asked the excited woman:
- Honey, is your seat comfortable? - Oh yeah, she replied. - Do you have a perfect view, baby? he asked - Yes dear, it´s perfect. - Do you have enough room for your sweet litlle feet to wiggle with? - Oh yeah. There´s plenty of space. - And how about the guy who sits next to you. Does he smell? - No he doesn´t. Thanks for your concern though. I´m fine. - Would you mind switching seats with me?
In church last Sunday, I heard a sweet elderly lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer. It was so innocent and sincere that I just had to share it with you: " Dear Lord: The last year has been very tough. You have taken my favorite actor - James Garner; my favorite actress - Lauren Bacall; my favorite Comedian - Robin Williams, and finally, my favorite author -Tom Clancy. I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are - Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid. Amen"
Not a joke but amusing ...reality. My 4 year old granddaughter (Callie) was watching Good Morning America with my wife (Gigi). The news story was about the Ukraine and the news lady mentioned the name Vladimir Putin. Callie says to Gigi,"that lady said a bad word". Gigi asked "what word?" Callie answered, "Poopin".
The Italian Funeral Dog A Irishman was leaving his favorite Pub when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching a nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The Irishman couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it? "My wife's." ''What happened to her?" "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A very poignant and touching moment of Irish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men. The Irishman then asked, "Can I borrow the dog?" The Italian man replied, "Get in line."
A very poignant and touching moment of Irish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men. The Irishman then asked, "Can I borrow the dog?" The Italian man replied, "Get in line."
Speaking of Boobs...a female bartender told me this one after I I had two martinis and switched to wine. Why are martinis like a woman's breasts? One is not enough, three are too many, and two are just right.
Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!" *Nobody stands up* Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!" *Little Johnny stands up* Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?" Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."
Man takes his goldfish to the vets and tells the vet that his fish keeps fitting. The vet observes the fish swimming around its bowl for a few minutes before declaring the fish seems perfectly fine to him!!
"Hang on a moment" says the guy. "I haven't taken it out of its bowl yet!!"
What an interesting turn of events in Mt. Vernon , Texas ...Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the brothel and burned it to the ground!
After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer." But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all a load of bull crap."
A man is sitting at the bar, despondent that his wife left him. As he's drinking, he sees an attractive woman at the end of the bar, equally depressed.
He strikes up a conversation with the woman to find out what is wrong.
"My boyfriend left me because he thought I was too kinky," she says.
"Well, that's odd. My wife just left me because she thought I was too kinky," he says.
As they drink their drinks, the woman figures what the hell.
"We seem to have a mutual interest, and we're both consenting adults. Why don't you come back to my place to have a little fun?"
They go to her house, and she excuses herself to change into something a little more comfortable. She comes back into the living room, dressed in a PVC dress, whip and cuffs in hand with platform boots, and the man is putting his jacket on getting ready to leave.
"Wait! Didn't you want to have some kinky fun?," she asks.
"I did. I fucked your dog, I shit in your purse. I'm outta here."
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman. The priest asked, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi? Yes, Father it is. And who was the woman you were with? I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation. Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti? I cannot say. Was it Teresa Volpe? I'll never tell. Was it Nina Capeli? I'm sorry but I cannot name her. Was it Cathy Piriano? My lips are sealed. Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then? Please, Father, I cannot tell you. The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tight lipped, Johnny and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot attend church services for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself. Johnny walks back to his pew , and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, What'd you get?
A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde who waves at him and says hello. He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he asks,
"Do you know me?"
To which she replies,
"I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now he thinks back to the only time he has been unfaithful to his wife and says, "Oh my god, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my friends watching, while your partner whipped me with wet celery and then stuck a carrot in my bum?"
A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde who waves at him and says hello. He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he asks,
"Do you know me?"
To which she replies,
"I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now he thinks back to the only time he has been unfaithful to his wife and says, "Oh my god, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my friends watching, while your partner whipped me with wet celery and then stuck a carrot in my bum?"
Paddy and Murphy go for a day of fishing, but when they get to the bridge they realize they have forgotten their equipment. So Murphy comes up with an idea. “Paddy you hold me by the ankles over the bridge and when I see a fish I’ll grab it” so Paddy hangs him over the side. All of a sudden Murphy shouts “Paddy, pull me up quick” Paddy asks “why Murphy, have you caught a fish?” “no Paddy” Murphy replies “there’s a train coming”
Three macho mice are sitting at a bar discussing just how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says: "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot. The second mouse slams a shot and says: "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot. The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and turns to walk away. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" ask his friends.
The third mouse stops and replies: "I'm going home to fuck the cat."
Woman goes to see the doctor and complains of green marks on the top of the inside of her thighs, next to her vagina. Doc has a look and asks her if by any chance she is married to a gipsy? "Why yes I am" the lady replies.
"Please tell him his earrings aren't made of real gold" the doc says!!
The dentist pulls out a Novocain needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man's tooth. 'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me! The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'
The dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viagra tablet.'
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'
It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.
A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!
But the father loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild, but the bartender is clearly disapproving.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.
An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.
"Lord," he prayed. "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: "Never mind, I found one!"
Dr O'Mahony tells his patient: "I have bad news and worse news, John."
"Oh dear," John replies. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient.
The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."
"That's terrible," says the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"
Dr O'Mahony replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.
"Lord," he prayed. "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: "Never mind, I found one!"
Dr O'Mahony tells his patient: "I have bad news and worse news, John."
"Oh dear," John replies. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient.
The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."
"That's terrible," says the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"
Dr O'Mahony replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Ha ha ha! I especially like the 24 hours to live joke.
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!" Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!"
Murphy said,
"How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!"
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!" Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!"
Murphy said,
"How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!"
Guy One and Guy Two are sitting at the bar of the Rainbow Room, 76 stories above Rockefeller Center in NYC. Guy One quaffs down five beers, walks to the balcony and jumps off. Guy Two is horrified, but 5 minutes later, Guy One steps out of the elevator, unharmed, and drinks five more beers. Then he steps over the balcony again, and five minutes later, steps out of the elevator unharmed. Then he drinks another five beers and does it again.
Guy Two leans over and asks how he did it. "Easy," says Guy One. "The carbonation in beers makes millions of gas bubbles that buoy you on the way down. Real soft landing." Guy Two decides to try it. He orders five beers, drinks them, steps off the balcony and...SPLAT!
Bartender turns to Guy One and says, "You know, you can be a real asshole when you're drunk, Superman."
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "It's the 20the Anniversary of the day we met."
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16," he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'"
"I remember that, too," she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."
Jesus and Saint Paul are playing golf. Saint Paul hits a towering drive right down the fairway. Ball lands only one foot from the cup--a sure birdie.
Jesus shanks one way off to the left. It's about to drop into a pond, when an eagle comes soaring down, grabs the ball in its beak, flies off, and drops it 3 inches from the cup--and it rolls in.
Paul turns to Jesus, disgustedly and says, "Are you gonna play golf? Or are you just gonna f**k around?"
A priest, a father, and a rabbi are walking home from their respective services when they pass a bar.
The priest says, "I wish we could all go in and have a drink tonight." To this the father says, "let me try something I'll be right back."
So the father goes into the bar, sits down and orders a drink. When the bartender comes over to get paid the father says, "my son, I have already paid you for my drink.", to which the bartender replies, "I'm sorry father, it must've slipped my mind." "It's alright my son. You have a good night", the father says and leaves.
He goes outside to tell the priest and the rabbi what to do.
The priest goes in and comes out successful, so the rabbi goes in.He orders and when it comes time to pay he says to the bartender, "listen sonny I have already paid for my drinks tonight". Now the bartender replies, "I'm sorry rabbi, you're the third man of the cloth to come in here tonight I must be slipping!", to this the rabbi replies, "that's ok sonny, but can I have the change from my fifty."
----------------------------------
A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain.
“I would like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman.
“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, “I would like to buy this TV.”
“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.
“Darn, he recognized me,” she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said, “I would like to buy this TV.”
“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, “How do you know I’m a blonde?”
“Because that’s a microwave,” he replied.
-------------------------------------------
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."
--------------------------------------
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"
The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".
"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?
One night after a date, a guy takes his girlfriend home. After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her:
"Honey, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you..."
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says:
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom."
A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died. Upon arrival in heaven, God said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven." The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and says "I wish to be beautiful." God grants her wish. The next person can’t decide on what to wish for, so he ends up wishing for the same thing. At this point a man at the very back of the line starts to laugh. The next couple, seeing how utterly wondrous the two have become, make their wish to become beautiful also, and the man at the end laughs even louder. One after another, the people wish for the same thing. The closer God gets to the end of the line, the harder the man laughs. When God finally reaches him, he asks "What is your wish my son?" The man says,
An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."
"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."
"Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"
"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered the blonde wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"
Get this." said the English bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house. "Did he get anything?" his mates asked. "yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts.
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face
A man is standing in his yard thinking of the days past, doing his garden with his son.
The son now in prison would always help him, the man writes to his son telling him he is now too old to turn the dirt for planting the seeds, there will be no garden this year.
The son writes back, POP, DO NOT PLANT THE GARDEN THERE, that is where i buried the bodies.
2 - days later the FBI came to the mans house and dug up the entire garden area, finding nothing, they left.
Rabbi and priest have houses of worship next door to each other. They like to get together at the end of the week, have some wine, and discuss theological matters.
One evening the priest says to the rabbi: "We've known each other for 25 years now, and I'd like to ask you a question: Did you ever, as a young and foolish lad, before you were ordained, partake of the taste of ham?" The rabbi blushes and says, yes, as a young and foolish lad, before he was ordained, he did partake of the taste of ham.
"But tell me, Father, as a young and foolish lad, before you took your vows, did you ever have a woman?" The priest blushes deeply and allows as how, as a young and foolish lad, before he took his vows, he did enjoy a woman's pleasures.
"Well," says the rabbi, "it sure beats ham, doesn't it?"
An elderly man leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Two jewish guys, Ami and Imi, are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then, Ami turns to the Imi and hands him a bill. "Here's that $20 I owe you," he says.
Two nuns are walking down an alley at night. Two guys jump out and start raping them. The first nun looks to heaven and says "forgive them father, for they not what they are doing" The second nun looks up and says "this one does!"
Priest and Rabbi have been pals for 25 years. One night, in boozy good fellowship, the priest says to the Rabbi, "Old friend, did you ever once, as a young and foolish boy, before you were ordained, partake of the taste of ham?" Rabbi blushes and says, "Yes, once, as a young and foolish boy, before I was ordained, I did partake of the taste of ham."
Then he says, "Tell me, Father, did you ever, once, as a young and foolish boy, before you took your vows, have a woman?" Priest blushes very deeply and says, "Yes, once, as a young and foolish boy, before I took my vows, I did have a woman."
Rabbi smiles and replies: "Sure beats ham, doesn't it?"
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."
Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."
A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. "I promised not to tell!" he says. "Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks. "No, and I said I wouldn't tell." "Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No," says the boy. 'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months." Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads."
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"
Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Husband says: "Looks like he’s still fucking celebrating!!"
Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Husband says: "Looks like he’s still fucking celebrating!!"
Pierre the Lumberjack had come to the end of logging season. Now that he had gotten his pay he was ready for a good time at the nearest brothel.
"Listen," he said to the Madam, "I want the roughest, toughest girl you have in your establishment, understand? And I want some beer!"
The Madam said she could accommodate him and told him to wait in a room upstairs. Pierre went to the room, took off his clothes and stretched out on the bed to await the lady.
A few minutes later, in walks the biggest, most frightening looking woman Pierre had ever seen, carrying two bottles of beer. Without saying a word, she puts the beers on the nightstand, strips off all her clothing, gets down on her knees and bends backwards with her legs spread wide.
"No, no," said Pierre, shaking his head, "In the bed, the regular way!"
"Suit yourself," she replied, "I just thought you might want to open those beers first!"
An Italian man was having an affair with his neighbor. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the neighbor a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, " Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the neighbor took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by, and then one day the Italian man's wife called him at the office and said,
"Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The Italian man said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening the Italian man came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack.
Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. One of the medics stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife told the medic that she handed her husband a post card he received from Italy.
The card said, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti...Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."
Guy #1 is sitting at the bar of the Rainbow Room on the 50th floor of 30 Rockefeller Plaza when he notices Guy #2 gulping down five beers. #2 then goes to the balcony and jumps off. But, a few minutes later, #2 steps off the elevator, goes back to the bar, gulps five more beers--and does it again. Finally, Guy #1 asks #2 how he does it.
"Simple," he says. "The bubbles in the beer give you nice lift. You glide right down and make a soft landing." Guy #1 is convinced. He orders five beers, gulps them down, goes to the balcony, steps off--and SPLAT!
Bartender turns to Guy #2 and says, "You know, you can be such an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."
A flat-chested young lady went to a popular surgeon known for "no scars" about enlarging her breasts.
To her shock, Dr. Cutter advised her, "Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!" He guaranteed success and, figuring she had nothing to lose, she did what he told her to do faithfully for several weeks.
To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said quietly, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
She apparently didn't say it quietly enough, though, since a man sitting nearby looked at her and asked "Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Cutter?"
"Yes I am," she said, a bit embarrassed. "How did you know?"
He winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.
"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
The Jewish man said, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat), we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!"
The Frenchman boasted, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes!"
The Italian man said, "Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love, and she screamed for over six hours!"
The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?"
The Italian man said, "I wiped my hands on the bedspread...."
They're all true!
