The JOKES thread

Heres one thread for ALL the jokes.

Just read a funny one? cut & paste it in here.

This should be the Partages thread

How many ADD kids does it take to change a lightbulb?

Wow look at that bug.

That's the best one I've heard in a while, Turi. Did anyone email that to you?

Turi, that's the best one I've heard in a while too... by the way, I miss you! Where have you been?

This match won't light !
That's funny, it did this morning !

Lame, I know.

The only way you could be "lame," Debz, is if a car hit ya'!

This used to be my signature, so those of you who remember or who know the answer, don't respond:

What's a redneck's last words?

"Hey, y'all...Watch this!"

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting, and confesses, "I used some
horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive, that looked like it was going
to sail over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the
fairway, and then fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100
yards."

"Is that when you swore?" asked Mother Superior.

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and
grabbed my ball in its mouth, and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came
down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly
away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, Mother, oh no, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its
claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior.

"OH no, Mother. My ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled
onto the green, and stopped about SIX inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said,

"You missed the f*cking putt, didn't you?"

I'm gonna have to tell my dad that one... he only cusses on the golf course, too.

$100 Tattoo!!!

Fred gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Fred replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

this isn't really a joke but this seems like the right place to put it in. the guy's response to the department is the good part


Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality
that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced
parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or
contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet
stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this
type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits
have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation
of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,
being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws,
annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed
during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.
We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this
location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood
and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall
be completed no later than January 31, 2003.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a
follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply
with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this
case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel
free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price District Representative
Land and Water Management Division


** This is the actual response sent back: **


Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N;
R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price:
Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am
the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and
maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they
would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials
"debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their
dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there
is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their
dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their
dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a
dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against
my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this
State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of
Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam
permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of
Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and environmental
Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to
324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is ... aren't the beavers entitled to legal
representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to
pay for said representation, so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a
recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which
the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond
Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers,
but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam
letter ... they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized
dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water
flows downstream.

They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department
of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect
the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more
elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003?

The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for
you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality
(health) problem in the area. It is the bears!

Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting
the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the
beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on
your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Thank You,
Ryan DeVries &The Dam Beavers

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish.................................................49
Adventurous......................................Slept with everyone
Athletic..............................................No tits
Average looking.................................Ugly
Beautiful............................................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile...............................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure.............................On medication
Feminist.............................................Fat
Free spirit..........................................Junkie
Friendship first..................................Former =+$@
Fun...................................................Annoying
New Age......................................Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned...................................No BJs
Open-minded....................................Desperate
Outgoing..........................................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................................Sloppy drunk
Professional......................................&$!^^
Voluptuous.......................................Very Fat
Large frame......................................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate..............................Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need = I want..
I am sorry = you'll be sorry
We need to talk = You're in trouble
Do what you want = You will pay for this later
I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:
I am hungry = I am hungry!
I am sleepy = I am sleepy
I am tired = I am tired
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let's have sex now
I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

What a Great "Come-back

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court.

I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors; green, red, orange, and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response.

He replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Drunk guy standing in an elevator. There's a woman in there with him.

The drunk guy asks:

"Can I smell your pussy?"

The woman, offended, yells, "no!".

"Must be your feet."

It was the first day of school and a new student named Costas, the son of a Greek immigrant restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.



The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"



She saw a sea of blank faces except for Costas, who had his hand up.



"Patrick Henry, 1775"



"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the

people, shall not perish from the earth'"?



Again, no response except from Costas: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Costas.



The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Costas, who is new to our country knows more about its history than you do."



She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Greeks." "Who said that?" she demanded.



Costas put up his hand. "Benito Musollini, 1943".



At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."



The teacher glares and asks "All right!, Now, who said that?"



Again, Costas says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991."



Now furious, another student yells, "oh yeah? Suck this!"



Costas jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"



Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."



Costas frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."



The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!"



Costas said, Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Actually a mate at work told me it but I changed the punchline. Usually I don't like jokes but this was short and snappy.

Well if you had your head out of the gutter and that ladies thread you may have realised I've still been around. :p Actually this week has been incredibly beautiful weatherwise and I've been taking full advantage of it. It usually doesn't last long here. My brothers wedding tomorrow so let's hope it's decent again - but not too hot or I'll be roasting.